The Problem With Porn

by Brett & Kate McKay on May 11, 2009 · 336 comments

in On Manhood

Porn is everywhere today. It’s impossible to pinpoint when it happened, but some time in the last couple of decades, porn went mainstream. Before you had to go to the seedy part of town to pick up a magazine or order a stag film that came in a non-suspicous brown package. Now, you can find porn pretty much anywhere you look. On TV, at your local bookstore, and especially on the internet.

This movement of porn into the mainstream is generally viewed as a healthy liberation from the suffocating sexual mores of older generations. While it’s fantastic that society has gotten past its Puritan prudishness, I do think the pendulum has swung too far when it comes to the ubiquity of pornography in our culture. Unfortunately, the ill effects that porn can have on men and women often go unnoticed by the media. Many men are left with the impression that  the proliferation of pornography is an entirely healthy phenomena.  But what effect is porn having on men? When I look around at guys today, I would say without equivocation that it’s sapping their manliness.

A Level-headed Approach

Pornography is such a polarizing issue, that it’s easy for people to take extreme sides when approaching it. Oftentimes, religious people, while very sincere in their beliefs, brand porn as vile filth that turns good men into sexual perverts and unclean lepers. I’ve sat through plenty of church sermons where porn is approached this way. However, such a approach hardly helps men rationally think through the issue. Rather it transforms porn into an even more desirable forbidden fruit, pushes porn consumption into a secretive underground fetish,  and prevents men from being honest in their need for help.

The other extreme sees porn as just a healthy expression of sexuality. Pornography is heartily encouraged in order to help people discover what pleases them sexually, no matter how graphic or violent the material is. The people in this camp will argue that as long as consenting adults are involved and no one gets hurt, then anything goes. However, this approach fails to recognize the detrimental effects porn can have on an individual, on women, and on society.

Neither extreme is helpful. What I want to have today is a frank, rational, discussion about porn and its effects on men. I’ll lay my cards out on the table from the get-go. I don’t think porn is good in any setting. I’ve just seen too many people hurt from it. But I understand that reasonable people can disagree on this issue.

Porn Can Ruin Your Life

Some people have argued that porn use can be as addictive as drugs. Personally, I don’t like the addiction label. It’s too easy to hide behind it as the reason you can’t help yourself. When I think of addiction, I think of people who suffer physical withdrawal symptoms when they finally quit. I haven’t met anybody who’s gotten the shakes when they go a week or two not looking at porn.

There is, however, no doubt that porn can be a full-blown compulsion. It’s more like food to a compulsive over-eater. Once you make those pleasure connections in your brain they can be very hard to break. And it’s not an exaggeration to say that porn can ruin your life. I know of a couple of marriages that broke up because of the guy’s insatiable addiction to porn. And I know of long-term boyfriends and girlfriends who have split up because of it. The stories out there are real and numerous. The man who gets out of bed at night and sneaks away from his wife to watch porn in his office. The man who keeps a secret stash of magazines in his car. The man who watches porn on the job and gets canned when he’s caught. I could go on.

I won’t deny that some men can consume porn and not suffer these kind of consequences. Just like I know men who have an occasional drink and aren’t alcoholics, I know men who dabble in porn and don’t become compulsive porn users.  But even if you’re one of those men who can consume porn without becoming dependent on it, I still think there’s a case to be made that porn should be avoided.  It simply won’t make you a better man in the least. And it can diminish your manliness for several reasons.

The Ways in Which Porn Saps Your Manliness

1. It objectifies women.

A real man sees a woman for who she is. He respects her and her individuality. He sees her as his equal and as a person that deserves respect. It takes a lot of work and effort to interact with women, but a real man has the cajones to do it.

Porn, on the other hand, objectifies women. It turns women into “things” that are only there to gratify a man’s sexual urge. Porn eliminates any need to connect with a woman emotionally or intellectually.

If you want an idea of how insiders in the porn industry feel about women, just ask Bill Margold, a long time performer. For Margold, his “whole reason for being this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care much for women and want to see men in [the porn] industry get even with the women they couldn’t have.” One writer for porn movies (they have writers?) said that pornography creates the illusion “that women are really in their rightful place and that there is no serious challenge to authority.”

If you have to view porn so you can feel like a man, you’ve got some problems. Real men don’t have to turn women into things to feel like a man.

2. It supports a filthy industry

Almost no man I know would hire a prostitute for sex. The idea of paying a stranger for sex violates their sense of propriety. But porn is basically prostitution, just a few steps removed. No matter how you slice it or rationalize it, you are paying a stranger to have sex. It’s pretty gross when you take a step back: you’re paying people to have sex so you can watch them do it. No man would ever want his sister to be a porn star, so why is it okay for someone’s else’s sister to do it? The more porn that is consumed, the more porn that is made. Even if you’re sitting in your den in Omaha, you have a hand in making the industry grow.

3. It will mess with your expectations of sex

Porn creates unrealistic expectations in the minds of men about love and sex. In porn, the women are always hot and ready to go and have perfect airbrushed bodies. Best of all, the women don’t talk. Men don’t have to worry about nagging or having to interact with the women they view in magazines and videos. Men can just have their way them, and be done with it.

The reality is that women don’t want to have sex all the time, not all women have cantaloupe-sized tatas, and women like to talk. Sometimes a lot.

Porn-obsessed men thus have a hard time starting any type of meaningful relationship because the girls they meet don’t measure up to the women in their magazines and on their websites. And when a man does establish a loving sexual relationship, many sociologists have noted that men who have used porn view their partner through a “pornographic filter.” They’ll resort to impersonal fantasy of some porn scene when they’re having sex because the love for their partner isn’t enough to satisfy them.

The porn-brained man also pushes his woman into doing things she’s not very comfortable with, seeking to act out the exotic scenes he’s seen on film. And he’ll think women are all about it. On sites like Jezebel (the writers of which are far from prudish women) women complain that men of this generation will sometimes do things like ejaculate on their face the first time they have sex, thinking that every women thinks that’s really hot. What a sad commentary on today’s men.

If you want to have a good love life, avoid the porn.

4. It creates a cycle that diminishes your sexual pleasure

While society says that more is always key to happiness, the truth is that moderation is. The pleasure receptors of our mind are sensitive mechanisms. When you first try something new, be it travel, food, or porn, the stimuli easily activate these receptors. But after repeated exposure to the stimuli, your pleasure plateaus. At this point, people often reach for more-more food, more sex, more porn, etc. in order to recover the initial pleasure they once took in the experience. But this only begins a vicious cycle in which you must seek ever greater and more intense stimulation to return to your initial pleasure level. Eventually you overwhelm and numb your pleasure receptors.  Studies have shown that when looking at porn you get used to the level of graphics-ness that is portrayed and then need to ratchet up that level to get the same thrill from it. And where will that cycle end?

While society may sell you on the idea that the more sexual images you cram into your life, the happier you’ll be, the opposite is true. To quote Naomi Wolfe:

The reason to turn off the porn might become, to thoughtful people, not a moral one but, in a way, a physical- and emotional-health one; you might want to rethink your constant access to porn in the same way that, if you want to be an athlete, you rethink your smoking. The evidence is in: Greater supply of the stimulant equals diminished capacity.

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it. Other cultures know this. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time.

5. It saps your manly confidence

Porn saps a lot of confidence you have in yourself. Men usually turn to porn when they’re depressed and lonely. Instead of making the effort to get out and meet real women, many men take the easy way with porn. More often than not, after getting their fix, men feel even more depressed and lonely because the only intimacy they can get is with a magazine or a web video. It leaves them feeling empty inside. Even worse, pornography can become a crutch for a man, which in turn can sap even more of their confidence.

What do you all think? Is porn really a problem for men? Drop a line in the comment box. Again, this is a touchy issue, but I know we can have a frank discussion about this important topic with the civility and class  Art of Manliness readers are known for.

Also, stay tuned for a future post on how to quit porn.

Further reading: The Number 1 Reason Why So Many Boys and Grown Men Surf Porn (and What to Do About It).

{ 336 comments… read them below or add one }

201 Cali October 19, 2009 at 8:55 pm

I really enjoyed reading this article. It is true that men (not all) put themselves so far into porn that they no longer see women for who they truely are. My boyfriend is one of those men. All his life he’s been all about the porn and now I have come into his life and he is always “comparing” me to these “perfect” women. Making comments when we watch a movie and a it does make me feel like crap. Like almost as if I have to look like that for him to compliment me…Its sad. We have watched porn together and at first I was all game for it but when it turned into a all the time thing and then him saying I should get fake tits and what not thats when I was over it. Its extremely sad that men (not all) have lowered themselves to well pigs. They wont ever have good relationships. This one won’t be lasting much longer.
Thanks for the article. Its nice to see mens view points on their own issues. =D

202 Rocco November 5, 2009 at 4:11 pm

A very good article, one point that was missed however is that by using pornography you are supporting an industry that is extremely exploitative of the people whom it employs. People who feature in porn are very often emotionally troubled, many have long histories of drug and alcohol misuse, petty crime, prostitution or sexual abuse. The porn industry heavily exploits these vulnerable people, placing them in often unpleasant or even dangerous sexual scenarios in order to make money, discarding them once they are no longer useful. A few years ago there was a high profile HIV outbreak within the industry, allegedly stemming from the fact that while shooting in Brazil the studio executives failed to check whether the hired local performers had been tested for STDs. What exactly can you do for a living once you’ve been a porn star and you have no other skill? The list of notable porn stars who have died untimely early deaths is a long one – it doesn’t seem such a glamorous life now does it?

203 Kash November 15, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Wow. Amazing words. I am going to bookmark this website. I absolutely agree with your words. I have always said it myself, porn breaks mens confidence, and gives them a false sense of what to expect when having a relationship. I personally think that the porn industry is one of the worst plagues upon society today. All it is, is an immoral group of money worshippers behind the scenes who are corrupting society, and like you said, a generation of cybersex slaves are emerging. What a disgrace to humanity. May our Lord hepl us. Ameen.

204 Brett November 16, 2009 at 2:30 am

Well said, sir. I am proud to share a name with you.

205 george December 20, 2009 at 7:49 am

i used to watch porn and i can tell you all what you aid was right on

206 Brad December 20, 2009 at 10:03 pm

As a man who has struggled with porn mainly for the last reason (I struggle with anxiety and depression and have often attempted to use it to “escape,” but nothing is worse than piling the shame and the sense of “this is the best I can get” on top of depression), this is a valuable article to read, and I agree with every point. Most of it I have heard before, there is a lot of Christian material out there that addresses the points in the same realistic manner without giving it the “forbidden fruit” appeal, but it reiterates a lot of points. I’m essentially done with it (with the occasional fall back), but ceasing to view it is the first step of a long battle, because of how powerful sex is as a motivator and reinforcer, the images stay with you. There are few feelings more awful than meeting an intelligent, God-fearing woman in church and thinking what it would be like to “do” what you saw on a video 3 years ago with her.

207 Charles Long December 21, 2009 at 7:26 am

This was a very good and common sense approach to pornography. There have been many marriages and relationships ruined by it. Men don’t need it and anyone who says they do is just plain wrong. There are moral and religious issues involved with it but there are physical issues as well. Porn can ruin a man’s capacity to have a healthy fulfilling sexual relationship. It’s best avoided altogether.

208 kk December 21, 2009 at 10:42 am

I agree with the article. I never thought about it. It was very insightful. Thanks

209 Casey December 21, 2009 at 5:21 pm

What a bunch of whiners. Sure, porn is going to reduce the amount of sexual anxiety that one harbours for their significant other at a given time thus resulting in decreased willingness to tolerate or compramise with said other. That is what porn does in a relationship. Are you trying to convince me that a modern man can’t, “Man up” and force themselves to be more maluable for their special someone in times of decreased desires, post porn session? Are you trying to tell me that before porn, I will do dishes, adore my kids, compliment my wife, and feel like king Man of my domicile and after porn I am ungreatful, meekish, and unwilling? Every Man should have complete control over his A: Emotions, B: Actions, C: Behavior. If you are unable to perform and behave as a caring, generous, providing, nurturing, loving spouse because you had an early release that day to some Internet porn, then you do have a problem: You’re a pussy and need to learn about obligation, the role of a man, and choosing your attitude. Porn or no porn, you don’t get to choose the weather. Manning up and playing your role is part of the yolk my friend. This whole article sounds to me like a bunch of scared “men” saying that porn is the bad guy. A Man can have a drink (then he doesn’t drive), a Man can have a cigar (Then he brushes/washes up), a Man can do what ever the heck he wants as long as it is honorable (Never make the spouse look stupid in anyone’s eyes, especially not hers) and as long as it is in moderation. Is prohibiting something because you think that you and others can’t handle it manly? Prohibition didn’t work with the tree of knowledge and it hasn’t worked since. Men can rationalize and make educated, informed decisions. Prohibiting something without knowing the character of another Man is simply irresponsible, reckless, presumptious, and an ignorant easy-way-out. Get back to writing articles about straight razor shaving, good work boots, tools, cars, and things that aren’t out of your depth. It takes a Man’s strong mind to be able to handle something like porn in moderation and use it wisely to stimulate your relationship (Something that Men shouldn’t even discuss outside of the relationship without the wife presant and approving because it undermines her trust for you). You call yourselves Men and agree with this garbage? I don’t share your opinions. Your weakness is what prompted you to say things like “Opinions welcome” and “In my opinion”… There is a right and a wrong on all things. Porn is not wrong. There are aspects of it that are terrible like the exploitation of workers and that it isn’t controlled to those who can’t handle it (Most of you weanies). There is also the fact that Men have enjoyed porn since it was painted on the walls of Pompeii. Get ahold of yourselves (no pun intended) and start acting like MEN! -If you need a Man’s opinion on a topic with supporting arguments and lessons, you can e-mail me. My manliness is beyond the reproach of your feminist leaning screams of porn runining a Man. I believe it wasn’t long ago women were screaming the same thing about gin. Are you waffling on that one too? In the interest of time, (and that you haven’t put up a decent argument against the use of porn in moderation) I will end with that but I haven’t even cleared one barrel yet. Someone provoke me with something intelligent.

210 Ben December 22, 2009 at 11:02 am

I agree with the article, and it’s good to hear somebody talking about this from a rational standpoint. I would have been happy and fine to go on without commenting if it weren’t for Casey right behind me. There’s really no need to pick an argument with someone who has the need to defend pornography so strenuously and with caustic vocabulary (“pussy” – honestly?), as well as with empty logical arguments. The point of the matter is that pornography has destroyed lives, marriages, and relationships, and will continue to do so if labeled by society as ‘liberating’ and ‘normal’.

A man who smokes destroys his lungs by just that much; a man who drinks destroys his liver by just that much; likewise, a man who views pornography destroys himself by just that much every time. A vice is still a vice, no matter how long it’s been practiced – practices from ancient Pompeii also include slavery and prostitution.

My manliness is based on honor, chivalry, and honesty. Incidentally, it’s also beyond the reproach of boyish cries defending the degradation of sex and women. Pornography robs every man of those three values and more. While some might be able to pick up and move on without nary a scratch, many cannot.

Thank you, AoM, for a frank look at a frightening aspect of our modern culture.

211 Simone December 24, 2009 at 10:08 am

Excellent thoughts and thanks for posting on a controversial topic. Personally, I have a slightly different view since I’m a woman who writes pornography for a living. But as a dedicated wife, mother of 2, and homemaker, I couldn’t promote the idea of healthy moderation more. Even in my erotic novels there is a lot of character development and emotional buildup (and non-cheesy or clicheed romance) before the mind-shattering sex scenes. I think this is healthier porn because it’s more like real life (instead of video porn where strangers just jump right into sex). Erotic literature is different from ‘porn’ in that if you removed the explicit sex you’d still have a damn good story.

Also, (and I think this would be a good investigation for this blog) – since eReaders (like Kindle, Nook) have taken off, more men are now reading erotic literature because they don’t have to be embarrassed to buy books with steamy covers. Sales are going through the roof. This means some men prefer sex with context (along with that evil stigma of a word ‘romance’!). It’s possible some men only watch video porn because they think it’s all that’s available when they want ‘inspiration’. I’m glad that some are discovering the more intelligent and moderate alternatives. I’m even considering adding more male perspectives into my work now. Usually we only had women reading so we wrote from only a female perspective, but now I’d be thrilled to write what a man is thinking/feeling/orgasming in these scenarios. And I have more than a few guys who are volunteering to proofread for me ;-)

212 Nopnop December 27, 2009 at 4:37 am

Thank you so much! When I read this article, I realized how disgusting porn really is. Also, reading some of the comments, the ways people try to justify porn are so unreasonable. Although I’ve struggled with it for years, you’ve opened my eyes, I’m deciding to quit today.Thanks again!

This is a great website. Everything you write is insightful.

213 Another Girl January 4, 2010 at 12:08 am

A while back I surfed the net for some excitement. I found a guy masturbating, was immediately turned on and reached orgasm fast! Wow right? Well, that clip was saved for future use but I noticed after a very short period it just wasn’t doing it for me so, I surfed for the next guy… then the next. It definitely had a diluting affect for me. Soon, nothing gave me that high. Then I realized how sex with my real guy wasn’t quite as exciting as it once was. That is, until I shut down the computer and got back to real life, love and emotions.

I can’t help but think that men and women aren’t quite so different, otherwise why are SO many sites available? It gets old. Everything gets old EXCEPT that deep connection between two people. That’s what keeps sex good and exciting not these 2 minute clips that get to the point. It’s not about getting to the point, it’s about the journey. We seem to forget that. We forget about the ebb and flow of being in love and how the excitement of making love follows that same path. Porn tricks us into thinking we should expect the exact same height of excitement every time sex happens.

Right now, my guy may be experiencing problems with too much exposure. He hasn’t hit on me in a week and I’ve noticed it takes him much longer to reach orgasm than it used to when we do have sex. We’re both aware of each other’s personal sexual habits, and since I had my own experience with being diluted I can see it’s having the same affect on him.

I felt in my gut years ago that even if I was exposed to my loved one’s nakedness too often I wouldn’t be so inclined to want to rip his clothes off. A little mystery could go a long way. I hear often that foreplay for women happens throughout the day. Something tells me it could possibly be the same for men. I’d like to know what you guys think about that possibility.

I know this from my personal experience… When the relationship is new it’s all about the not knowing, the mystery of the other person and the wanting to know. The wanting period. What happens when you find all that out? It’s almost like you have to play a little game with each other to spark that wanting again, but it’s difficult to play that game when your boyfriend’s at the finish line before the game even starts!

It just seems if we get into and stay in reality and learn to enjoy the process, we won’t get lost in the search for 2 minute highs while our relationships fall to the all time low.

I think masturbation can be useful especially when your partner’s out of commission, but it’s probably better to use your own made up fantasies or your brain will become the equivalent to today’s fat and lazy kids who play video games instead of playing real games outside.

I fantasize about my boyfriend when I masturbate these days and as far as my wondering if he’s being over exposed? I’ll give him another week and see if he still has trouble reaching orgasm with me and if so, I’ll simply ask him to stop masturbating and looking at porn.

214 Rob January 4, 2010 at 11:18 am

I think modern porn is worse than that from the 70′s or 80′s. The earlier porn managed to portray a fake but convincing display of passion and lust between the participants, and I wonder if there was more a market for that then as well. The porn you see today is so darn clinical and emotionless in comparison.

215 Kari January 11, 2010 at 1:07 pm

My husband and I have been struggling with his porn use for quite some time. We lived together for several months before I was even aware that he used porn, that was partially my fault for not asking, but it never occurred to me to ask…upon “catching” him looking at porn on numerous occasions, I realized it was a problem.

I don’t really have a problem with porn. I have a problem with my husband and porn. Do I mind that he looks at porn? No. In fact, it arouses me to think about it… Do I mind that he tries to hide it from me and if given the choice would jerk off to porn more often than make love to me? Yes. I would feel completely different about him and porn if he had just been up front and honest with me. I enjoy watching porn with him. I even dabble in some solo porn time myself. The difference is I can get off from watching porn and I still want to have sex with him afterward.

Sometimes I think I make myself too available to him. I’m one of those girls that is willing to strip down and have sex at any time of the day. I rarely make him give me foreplay, nothing a little spit/lube can’t fix..and I don’t mind only giving him oral sex and not receiving anything in return….to an extent. My husband tends to only “please” me upon my request. There have been times where he will go four months without giving me an orgasm, or even trying to turn me on. THAT is a big problem.

I only looked at porn out of curiosity as I was growing up, I never actually got off to it until I was much older, and I never got off to it on any sort of a regular basis until I started dating my husband.

I’m not a prudish woman that wont ever put out to her husband that still expects him to only get off to her. I’m pretty willing to try anything as long as it doesn’t involve the presence of a third party.

I think the big problem with porn is it’s hard to only do it in moderation. I think most people have lost the ability to have self-control these days. It’s all or nothing.

My husband is actually very religious and believes porn is “taboo,” which was why he was so quick to hide his problem. But hiding does NOT improve the quality of your relationship, ever. In most cases, if you have to hide something from your significant other, something else isn’t right. Maybe that’s our problem, but I sincerely believe it’s because porn is so wrong among a lot of Christians.

216 Paolo January 14, 2010 at 9:28 am

unreasonable expectations from porn? have you ever read a romance novel (porn for women) talk about unrealistic expectations.
the hero in those novels are all ripped, over 6 foot tall, wealthy and in some case’s immortal and gets a stiffy just by looking into a girls eyes.
women dont think there is anything wrong with romance novels.
I think as long as the person has some control and isnt just using porn to the exclusing of a relationship then I dont see why there is a problem and if you dont like porn or dont want to watch it, no one will force you to.

217 Montel Jones January 20, 2010 at 5:08 pm

hi. im 15 yrs old and have been masturbating about 5 times a week. i got in on porn at an early age and would jerk off at pics on the web but now Ive been doing it to videos for a long time now and im a little worried. you see, i went to this chicks b-day party and we played spin the bottle and did body shots. now i kissed some chicks, but i didn’t get aroused but i didn’t really think about it. the girls were in booty shorts and had half shirt things on with a lot of cleavage, now everything was really sexy until one girl suggested playing 7 min. in heaven, then i got really worried. i wasn’t sure i could get it up so i really didn’t want to do it. thankfully (i guess) we didn’t do that but i got to thinking I’ve really been hitting the porn for a while now and have heard that if you watch too much you WONT be able to get it up. i just read the article and i’m really scared now so can someone please help me or give me advice on what to do now??? i have stopped porn completely believe me im never doin that again.

218 Jaimi February 2, 2010 at 2:16 am

I think you stated your argument very well. I agree with everything you said, and appreciate the actual reprocussions you associated with pornography in relationships. Honeystly, it was a breath of fresh air…

219 josh February 2, 2010 at 2:53 pm

I went through a period with porn and experienced much, but not all, of the problems noted. I would say the biggest issue was objectifying sex with my wife. It became more physical and less emotional and while she got off ok, it was not fullfilling for either of us. Perhaps there is something to learn about the physical aspects of sex from porn, but it can kill the emotional side and without both in balance, a couples sex life will stagnate and die.

220 Brandon E February 21, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Despite all the negative reasons that porn has. I believe it comes down to what sex was originally meant for. My view is unpopular, but I’m okay with that.

Sex was meant for marriage. Yup…that’s about it. : )

It creates a bond emotionally and spiritually that was meant for marriage. I believe porn degrades that purpose. Though some may be able to control themselves, for many it easily can become an addiction.

And yup..I’m about to quote scripture :)

Romans 13:13 (New American Standard Bible)
“Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy.”

See I don’t think God makes up rules and principals just because he makes them up. He makes them because he knows what effects it has on a people and society. I think when you begin to see as God sees, you will begin to think as God thinks. :)

There’s my sermon for the day :) It is Sunday after all!

221 ForMontel February 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Montel,
I understand what your saying. I think it’s like any addiction. The more you have, the more you need to satisfy. That’s what were saying here too, when you get so much of this porn, you need more and more to satisfy. And when you do get married, you will have expectations that she will never fulfill. I would suggest an awesome book entitled, “Every Young Man’s Battle.”

222 Victoria Smith February 27, 2010 at 1:14 am

Men suck next time I’m getting a woman! My husband was huffing and puffing it with porn while I was pregnant and sick with morning sickness. I hate you bastards. Don’t puck me and knock me up then look at other women. He was the one to tell me he wanted another baby. I believe this was BS! I love the baby, but hate his hind end now. Think about that the next time your staring at women that wouldn’t speak to you in person because they are too beautiful for you! An angry wife is a horrible life! I have taken on the same self centered what is in it for me attitude. I stay with him to spend his money and torture him. I have no desire to live a long happy life with this lying sack of dog crap. I know that he will be a deadbeat dad when I leave so I am depositing money into my childrens accounts. Just an idea for all you other gals thinking of leaving. I also have 3 accounts of my own. The crap for brains wrecked my car 7 years ago and has kept us in ruins with money. I had to sell stocks at a loss to buy a baby bed for my baby. He kept our money from me in the beginning of the marriage. He made loans to people and paid for other peoples meals while I was pregnant and had no food at home. I had money saved from when I worked he didn’t know about and that is how I feed myself while pregnant. Revenge is mine!!!

223 Josh March 9, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Thanks for the article. While I’m a religious man myself, I appreciated the bit about the hell-fire-and-brimstone preaching on the subject of pornography. I think that has made many a young man think “Wow, this is terrible, I must be the only one who has an issue with this.” The shame that is often created by such treatments of this subject can just amplify the problem exponentially.

So far as I’ve been able to tell, it really is a filthy industry, and a filthy industry where a few greedy and unscrupulous people make heaps of money by taking advantage of others (mainly women) in some of the worst possible ways. I know, I know, we can argue about this study or that study that says it’s not as bad as all that and that there’s regular testing and no one gets hurts. But I find it a pretty hard pill to swallow.

I guess what it boils down to for me is that I’ve never heard anyone say to me, “Wow Josh, I am just so glad that I got into porn when I was a teenager. It’s been a great use of my time and the return on the money I invested has been phenomenal. And you know what? My wife is totally fine with me bringing home some of the guys from work so we can try what I saw in a porno flick last week!” Nor have I ever heard anyone say, “You know what Josh, I never really got into porn and I’m disappointed about that. I had really looked forward to my little daughter catching me watching some naughty movies on the computer.” What I have heard is, “Man, I wish I had just cut the internet off before it got this bad.”

224 Word up March 11, 2010 at 1:53 pm

I think that masturbation is completely normal, however I also believe that it can become a crutch.. A young man in a long-term relationship still feels the urge for sexual novelty (unless you have been castrated). A single man needs to relieve stress, ejaculation is definately a great way to relieve stress. Porn satisfies that need for many men, being sexually repressed is not healthy and leads to many of the crimes we see today. When a man is sexually frustrated it can spill over into other facets of his life, having a destructive influence. I do agree that for some, it can become a problem. The new generation is what I am worried about, I remember when I was lucky to score a playboy and rotate a few girls to prevent the material from getting old. Now, I do not understand how any 13+ year old boy with internet access even leaves his room. The amount of free porn on the internet is staggering, it’s simply amazing and horrifying at the same time. Excessive porn use can be an impediment to your willingness to go out and meet women.

225 Charlie March 20, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I know that I am coming in late to the conversation, but I would like to address a common misconception that a few people above had. Not all porn actresses like their job. You would be surprised how many beautiful girls get involved in porn because they think it will be fun, or profitable. They don’t complete their education, many of them dropping out of college to join the porn industry. Once they get in they realize that it is not at all as fun as it looks like. They have to have sex with strange guys they don’t know, regardless of whether or not they feel like having sex that day, or whether they require foreplay to be turned on. Whatever the case, these actresses soon find out that they are not cut out for porn. However, they can’t quit because if they did they would have no way to earn money, so they are stuck. This problem is so big that there is actually a charity called the Pink Cross that provides supplies to former porn actresses (and actors too) that quit their job and are now struggling to earn enough money. It was started by former porn actress Shelley Lubben. Google the Pink Cross to find out more, read Shelley’s story and the stories of thousands of porn actors and actresses regarding their time in the porn industry, why they couldn’t quit, and what happened to them when they finally did quit. It is important for you all to know that just because Jenna Jameson likes her job, doesn’t mean that the rest of them do.

226 Matt March 24, 2010 at 12:40 am

Great article, very down to earth w/out being preachy. Relies on application in the real-world and not on subjective morality, even though I also agree w/ the later. Glad I found this, will definitely return to this site in the future!

227 Stan "Keeping it real in the 762" March 27, 2010 at 12:47 am

@Duncan Rainey Hoopes Jr.: Way off topic but regarding the Puritans I honor their legacy in the American attitude to wealth (recycle your profits into the growth of your enterprise) which has been eroding since the consumer society emerged after WWII. The Puritans’ greatest curse upon America was not IMO our neurotic attitude to sexuality, but the awful example they set with respect to the American Indians. Unlike the French Canadians and the Spanish missionaries, the Puritans treated the Natives as alien threats and kept meaningful interaction to a minimum apart from the rare native who converted and wholly abandoned his heritage. As a result the American Indian population and culture in the US was decimated and, unlike in Canada and Latin America, has left only a faint imprint on the modern American mainstream. Washington Redskins does not count.

@Susan Walsh: I clicked on the link and glanced at your blog. Interesting enough that I will be back to read what you are saying to all the single ladies.

@SpenceGould: Where the heck did you find your stuff? It must be so rare, I suppose, because to realistically depict intimacy would be too challenging for all but the most talented directors and actors. We’re talking SAG here, not AVN.

@All: First let me say that a man’s relationship with porn is different depending on his age. A 13-year old will be profoundly, if unconsciously, conditioned and influenced by explicit depictions of sex and nude women; especially because he has (one hopes) had no real experience to compare against it. As an adolescent with raging hormones and insufficient wisdom to modulate his behavior, he’ll have beaten off to T. Patrick and friends ten thousand times before he experiences sex in a relationship for the first time. By that point he’s been thoroughly conditioned to expect sex and women to be a certain way, and reforming these expectations to reality will be a long and unpleasant process.

Second, I think porn exacerbates penis envy, on top of all the body issues we inherit from magazine covers and TV shows of model men with thick hair and rock-hard abs. I mean, if I look over and over at photos and videos of “hot” women enthralled by the extreme assets (7, 8, 9…then a shot glass of shot) of male pornstars, it’s hard not to wonder if or how I measure up, pun intended, to the woman in front of me. That insecurity is a real buzz kill. The women in the videos, by the way, are likely faking it. It is said that women, aside from a few size queens, think too big is a more likely deal breaker than too small.

Third, I invite all masturbating, single men to try it without visual aids. Just conjure something you haven’t seen in a porno, and go to town! If you’ve been using porn all along, it will take longer–but at least it will challenge and develop your capacity to visualize and stay focused. You’ll likely be doing it less often as a result, which will make each instance more appreciable.

Fourth, rather than just declaring this to be wrong or that to be okay, how about teaching young men to apply the Socratic method? For example, “Hmm. Naked woman. Man putting junk into woman. What, if anything, is this image teaching me about what a sexy woman should look like or how a man and a woman should behave together?”

Fifth, the media is by far the biggest influence on our sexual attitudes and scripts, and to get attention and sell things it will always promote a fantasy. Bringing about a healthy, balanced attitude to sexuality in our society requires mentors to step up and be available and candid to the young men about what sex is really like and how women really want to be viewed and treated.

Finally, I hope I have set an example for openness and levity in discussing a weighty topic. Passions are so strong on both sides of the issue that I think we need some humor to keep things from getting too serious. Peace be upon you all.

228 Loosing trust! May 5, 2010 at 8:29 am

Porn is always going to be a part of the world and both men and women can enjoy it in moderation. My concern is a little different and isn’t covered in this post.

Online porn is not longer just porn, it’s gone far beyond that into a very psychological area. It’s not longer just dirty photos and movies iwth bad plots, it’s not about enticing the man to watch live movies or talk with live girls online or even meet other horney people like you right now. My concern is that where does it go from being porn to being something far worse, falling into the realms of psychological cheating? If a man is sitting enjoying himself while watching a girl doing the same live or even worse chatting to her and getting her to do things for him, or being on the phone or webcam with another person. Where does it go from being something pretty harmless to something that rightly can destroy a relationship? Where is the boundary nowadays and what shoudl a women accept and what should she confront? When it’s so easy for men and women to overstep this boundary from porn to interaction what does the future hold for any ‘normal’ relationship with unspoken rules that you don’t flirt too much and certainly don’t cheat physically or mentally?

229 Kelli May 19, 2010 at 9:32 pm

I just don’t get it. Don’t men only want their significant other to want them as well? Is this just a curse we women have? There is truly nothing like the feeling of finding that filth. How is it in anyway making you a better man? Isn’t that what we should be trying to do everyday? Wake up and ask ourselves, what can I do (or not do rather) to make myself a better person. This doesn’t seem to fit into that thought process. It’s sad, and those who think it’s fine, I think if you really took the time to search your heart and soul, you’d know it’s wrong as well. I know it’s affected me and my dating relationships, and creates a crazy fear that the man I marry one day will cheat on me, because he likes getting aroused by other women. I think I will become an old maid, because a good man is hard to find, but a great man doesn’t seem to exist in the 20-30 year old age group. Such a tragedy.

230 Robert May 28, 2010 at 8:57 pm

I have been viewing porn since I was a kid around 11 years old. I don’t know much about this site, but you are on point. I am an African American Man. I notice hip hop changed with porn, music changed with porn. TV changed with porn and you see in the Churches Porn and abuse has changed the structure of churches and temples. I suffer also. Porn was a release, I did not want to be bothered listing to a woman talk. I love women, but I don’t want to hear them all the time. I fantasize about Asian woman, because in porn and movies,the don’t talk much. Yet, that is not always true. Dew to porn I notice Black woman are really all over the porn industry doing thing I thought were impossible. Makes any man want them, but when you get them, it is a big disappointment, because of the fantasy.
it is not real. So I turn to my trusty porn to get what I want and be afraid to approach them I person. Who every you are, you are on point.

231 Riley June 2, 2010 at 11:35 pm

I really appreciate this article. The reason I found this article is because I’m getting married to a man who likes porn…a lot. This has caused fights over the past 5 years, many where I’m crying about how insecure his porn habit makes me. I’m really struggling with this issue in our relationship because I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Should this be a make or break of our future or should I except this unsettling habit? I understand that men look at porn but I just don’t know what is considered “in moderation”. There have been many instances where I’ve cried asking him to stop and now he’s just good at clearing his history on the computer. This is so frustrating to me and is now really making me look at my relationship and wonder…is this what I want for the rest of my life…?

Thoughts???

232 Average Joe June 9, 2010 at 10:56 am

I will tell you like this only a loser would watch porn all day long, personally I watch a clip and keep it moving its a means of getting my rocks off so I wont feel lustful during the important times of the day. So that when I get around women I won’t be thinking about sex but actually engaging into a meaningful and understanding conversation with them.I view the porn industry as a means of expressing healthy sexual needs but I do believe deviant practices should be outlawed such as homosexual,and all of the other crazy stuff that some people are into. That is the filthy part of porn the deviant practices.

233 bruce bacon June 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm

You mention good interpersonal clues like lonely: men not able to seek out women,
easy high, things like that. I agree. When I first began surfing, I surfed daily, to get exercise, and also to be part of something, more challanging, more adventurious, more socially connected, and more happier than sitting around watching TV, or waxing the car. I think all men have that inside, but porno really shuts it “off” in me.
Talking about endoriphines, well that is what surfing or swimming is all about. But check it out! A person must beable to get out into the surf; he must be skilled, and work at it! Now look at the thrill rides at the amusement parks. Same sensation…pretty much, like a 25 foot wave in Hawaii, but with out risk. So in many ways I think your article does a great job at attacking the subject-because porno, is a whole lot of pleasure but with out risk, or effort…I really agree with this article…

MEN NEED TO GET OUT, move around, inter act, then they realize, a lot of what is going on around them is totally a psych out!!! They can over come the adversity with more confidence…Thanks for your article, I will try to put some of the things I learned into practice-great job.

234 Linda June 25, 2010 at 11:55 pm

Thank you.. you have renewed my hope that there are men out there who get it. If you’re a man who shares the point of view in this article, find me!

235 Sadie August 13, 2010 at 9:51 am

So, the infamous discussion on pornography has ensued.
Firstly – No, of course it is not WRONG for men and women to masterbate, it is a way of finding out what we like, and helps us to direct our partners. But what i would like to know, is if porn is such a necessity, why did millions of men and women manage to have extremely successful masterbation sessions and sexual encounters before porn came into existance?
It is utter rubbish to say ” i can’t imagine images, situations etc, porn allows me to do that”,You CAN do that, you are simply to lazy. Porn allows people to look at others in a sexually gratifying way, and to not feel guilty about it. So if it is not morally wrong, when your girlfriend/boyfriend find’s those websites on your pc, do you lie about it? or feel guilty, or get defensive. Surely if there is nothing to be ashamed of, then you would have no issue with admitting the fact.
I have watched porn, and everything about it is physical. You wouldn’t watch a porn in which you wern’t attracted to the guy/girl. For example, if the woman was grossly overweight, the chances of you chosing that video compared to a girl with pert breasts and a fit figure are VERY slim – Because its all about attractiveness when it comes down to it.
I’m not saying that porn is wrong, and horrible, but it DOES have the ability to impair a persons morals, viewpoints, and expectations. No matter how strong-willed and opinionated that person may be.

Thankyou.

236 jack August 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm

this is as heteronormative as it comes. The difference between straight and gay men:
Straight men watch porn and say “I wish my girlfriend would let me do that.” Gay men watch porn and get ideas for the next romp with their boyfriends. The gender dynamics and ‘sexual objectification’ doesn’t really work out the same way. And anyone who thinks a gay man is less than a man clearly hasn’t met any big muscle bears.

237 eve September 22, 2012 at 2:46 am

thankyou for this article, it helps me and makes me believe there are real men out there and a life worth iving

238 Scrug Willison October 3, 2012 at 3:31 am

I agree with Casey above.

239 Mr D October 10, 2012 at 5:01 pm

The science behind porn addiction is the same as addiction like gambling and to some extent, drugs. If a guy can cope with porn without it affecting his social and sex life then fine. I imagine it’s having more of an effect on people then they realise or would admit.

240 Sergio October 12, 2012 at 8:32 am

I know this is a male focused site. I really could not agree more with your article. However, pornography differs for men and woman, and by the way, the number of women watching pornography is skyrocketing.

Also, women objectify men also in their romance novels. And recently it seems women have been into some pretty disgusting things, such as “50 shades of Grey.” It looks like women themselves are degrading themselves along with men. I think it is a huge social problem.

241 DJ October 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

As someone who’s marriage has very nearly been wrecked by pornography I would like to say how much I agree with what is contained in this article. The damage that pornography does to human beings and their ability to relate to each other as humans can not be overstated. And the ability to form and build solid relationships is what sets us aside from other species- isn’t it?

242 Ben October 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

The porn industry serves to perpetuate limitations on sexual expression in the sense that it portrays sex as only physical. Real pleasure in sex comes from sharing deep intimacy. Ejaculation even becomes non important when sex enters a sacred space and we experience orgasm in a deeper and ascended way. Articles such as this give me hope that men are finally awakening to the divine feminine within themselves. I have explored porn enough in my life. I would rather use my photographic memory to remember erotic scenes with my significant other rather than idolize whores.

243 Hannah November 6, 2012 at 8:45 am

Total breath of fresh air. Pornography has been a massive problem in my relationship so im glad the view of normality has been quashed.

244 Tonja November 14, 2012 at 1:12 am

Thank you so much for this article, which has renewed my hope that there ARE men out there whose views of porn are similar to mine. Porn destroyed a nearly 3 year relationship that included wedding plans for this summer. While trying to deal with the “death” of our relationship (because it truly is like dealing with a death), I began to doubt my own views on porn and watching live cam performances. The thought that maybe my ideals and views were outdated began to flood my mind. I don’t want to judge anyone but watching live cam porn/porn movies/looking at porn is just not something I want in my life or relationship.

What I’ve come to realize is that we each must decide that which is important to us and those things we are willing to live with. For me, that means finding a man that does not watch/view or look at porn of any kind and only desires me. One that is only attracted to me. What he did in his past is his past, but to be in a a committed relationship, the porn has to be non-existent.

245 Meghan November 21, 2012 at 1:35 am

My boyfriend watches porn and I try to ignore the fact that he does, but I hate it so much. It’s degrading. It makes me feel as if I’m not satisfying his needs to where he has to go watch random people have sex in a vulgar way. I don’t like it one bit and quite frankly I’m not sure if I can put up with it any longer. It’s a relationship ruiner.

246 Mike R. December 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I’d like to recommend a few things that have helped me deal with my porn problem. First of all, a book by Dr. William Struthers, a biopsychologist at Wheaton College, entitled, “Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain.” This is a great book, particularly for those of you who would like a viewpoint coming from a neurological/physiological viewpoint. I’m a pre-med student, and I have been really fascinated by the book, but it’s also great at explaining the effects of porn on the body for most of us who don’t know much about the brain.

The gist of the book is that we as men were wired to be intimate, and that porn provides us with a false sense of intimacy. He uses the example of a friend of his who was willing to lend out his porn, but he wanted it back because he didn’t like “his girls cheating on him.” Struthers uses both stories such as this one, and well-grounded, well-cited research to make a case for the reason why men are drawn to the naked female form, why porn is so hard for men to quit, and why it’s such a pervasive problem.

I’m currently going through the book with a group of other Christian guys, and it’s helped to both confess my own problems with porn and to hear their stories of success and failure in dealing with this issue.

I certainly can’t say that I’m out of the woods yet, but I went from being a daily “user,” to being clean for two weeks now. Porn has been such a problem for me that I’ve never gone this long without it. Reading this blog and others on this site on the topic has been very helpful!

Fight on, men! Do it for your honor, and for the women you love. Do it for yourself, whether or not you’re religious.

247 Ayrun December 6, 2012 at 3:26 am

I’d like to add that not all pornography is made for revenue, plenty of people make it and show it for free. Plenty of women pose themselves of their free will to be objectified. This is probably a result of the cyber-porn culture, and now exposing your most intimate acts and parts is pretty par for the course.

I’ve heard people give me the argument “Well, I don’t pay for it, I watch free stuff, or I watch couples etc…” That doesn’t really make it any better, and yes it does ruin relationships. It’s ruined a few of mine.

Whether willing or not, free or not, a man nukes his masculinity by being a slave to this. Appreciating a lovely woman is one thing, watching her degrade herself for the pleasure of others is another.

248 Lost December 9, 2012 at 4:10 am

Porn can be so destructive.

For me, it became a catalyst of destruction at a very young age. I learned to masturbate at 13 and before turning 14, I had discovered that porn was a relatively accessible thing. For me, my sexuality was never allowed to actually develop, and as soon as I had discovered masturbation, it became a coping mechanism for a life filled with let down, peer rejection, and familial neglect/abuse.

In hindsight, I wish I’d never discovered porn. It never once improved the quality of my life and I fully affirm the position that internet porn exists to serve fiendish desires. I quickly began to stumble upon content which although initially shocking, became the primary focus of my masturbatory fantasy. Incest fiction (and later simulation) and bestiality porn (when found) were most sought. It was phased and episodic, but I was well in the grips of it. I’ve found myself briefly interested in other bizarre things like gerontophilia and fictional forced sex.

I’m seeking therapy now for other issues, with some attention being placed upon this one. For me, my problems are much more deep-seated than mere exposure to porn, but the point here is that pornography was a major facilitator in my more dark disordered fantasies. It’s like someone who has the potential to be a particular kind of person, for bad or good, but only with certain catalysts in place. I happened to have the potential to take the darker route and porn stood as a powerful catalyst.

That said, it’s powerful enough to turn decent men into lowly, closeted fiends. The world would be a much better place without porn.

249 Anthony December 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

very informative. i am often pressured to engage in pornography by other guys my age, i always say no. they never accepted me as “manly” but now i can give reason for my stance on this subject. it will be difficult to discuss among my peers, but now i am armed with sound arguments.

250 lucy December 13, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I am so tired of always feeling like a whore instead of his fiance! I am not into porn every time I am going to bed, and just the thought that that is all that is always on his mind, is quite harmful. It has only gotten worst, I need to respect myself and end this relationship after 7 years, I shouldn’t feeling so worried that I am going to be put on the spot again!

251 Sherry December 17, 2012 at 7:31 am

There is certainly a great deal to find out about this issue.
I love all of the points you made.

252 Amber December 17, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Very well put. It is exactly what I needed to hear and spot on when it comes to how I feel about it. I wish more people would come to terms with it. It would save soo many relationships/marriages.

253 Sean December 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

II have been home since June. I started to watch porn again this summer. On August 16th, I looked up a tag on a free porn site and it that was solo sex. I looked at both female and male. I was so freaked out by the male stuff because it looked illegal to me. I immediately closed the browser and started telling my friends what I had done. I have told everyone because I think I have a problem. I was drunk and curious. Now I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I can’t look at porn again. I am seeing a therapist for this incident because I am so ashamed however it may have been the greatest blessing in my life because now I’m not looking at porn at all. I’m still curious about other things but I know that being curious about porn is not a good thing. I didn’t accidentally click on something, I put it in to the search menu. If anyone has any supportive stories I would appreciate it.

254 Marriah December 26, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I enjoyed this article and agree with what is written. When I was little my dad and grandpa would trade magazines. I remember this from before I was six. My dad always had magazines and sometimes I would sneak looks at them. As an adult, although I have looked at it some, it feels shameful for me after I looked at it and it makes me feel insecure as a woman. It makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the counterfeit offered by the porn industry. This makes me think about some encounters with men I have had in the last year and I realize the way I have been treated is a byproduct of what is being looked at by these men.

255 Orville Wilbur December 27, 2012 at 11:09 pm

You forgot #6 –

Would James Bond watch porn?

So then why would you?

256 Gerald December 30, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I dont get it. Porn is just what it is…

“Entertainment” What man make out of it, its their problem.

Watching Action Movies or Playing Doom all the day is also not a big deal, but some people take the consume of it responsible for shooting the president (Ronald reagan – taxi driver) – the recent “batman-shooting” or the stupid school shooting boys…

The thing is, porn is not a new thing, its only widespread and quick available trough the internet. you realy think people didnt jerk of all the time in the 50s or earlier?
or the romans, greeks, whatever.
Even in ancient japan porn was widespread as art.

Sure, the priest may have said it makes blind. But its natural to blow off some steam.

If you watch porn all the day you decided to do because you like it, and women think they can match up with the models? Well, men either, we dont come all with giant dicks and sixpack abs.. if you are feeling inferior because of it then because you compare yourself with the things you see on the screen and this is always a quick way for unhappiness.
Just watch the commercials.

Like Tyler Durdon said. “tv said we all be rock stars and billionaires – but we wont”.

257 Kelsea December 31, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I really appreciate this article and the people who wrote it. As a woman, I have enjoyed porn myself.. until I found out that the average lifespan of a woman’s porn career is three-months because that is the time it takes for her to become ill/physically damaged. One can make arguments such as, “Only a certain KIND of woman acts in porn and that’s why it’s okay, and because she’s choosing it.” This view belittles by ranking a woman on her “goodness,” which is only individually relative; it is also demeaning and inaccurate… and further neglects to see that most women who enter the porn industry are young and naive. They are told they will be famous, beautiful, and adored by men OR they really need to make money. For every one porn star like Sasha Grey, there exists ten more who are being severely taken advantage of, degraded, and abused.

258 A89 January 2, 2013 at 5:11 pm

I also wanted to say that you’ll see women in a much different light when you’re not using porn to fill a void. Don’t get me wrong I’m not bashin’ porn I just feel that alot of males would benefit by not using it. But instead should work on improving their social lives and start approaching women, just say hi

259 Claus January 4, 2013 at 8:22 pm

As an european and catholic i dont get this “internet porn-Addiction” Discussions at all.

I reckon this must be some kind of “puritan-christian” thing with a similar world that once lead to the alcohol prohibition for example…
Oh, i have a drink… shame on me.. god will hate me for this..

“Oh no… i was watching porn…i even had a boner and startet to wank.. iam with one foot in hell now..”

If something makes people addicted to internet porn then the “charme of transgression” making it a lot less boring as it is.

And a good topic for psycho-social game later on. “Look, i am a sinner, i am so special, I need attention, people have to come and help me…”

260 Kate January 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

What an awesome article. Thank you so much for the great insight. I really could not have said it better myself. I think you could potentially help a lot of people and relationships with this article. Thank you for sharing!

261 Mike January 10, 2013 at 8:33 pm

To Cali, the forst poster….you seem like a real catch.. the competition you feel with the porn actressess is your conscience telling yourself to get up off the couch and exercise. I feel sorry for your BF, and/or EX-BF, as it may now be. He is not a pig at all. He’s a human male and feels it in the pit of his stomach when he sees a nice plump but and perky boobs….maybe hes not perfect, but clearly neither are you. Indeed you seem quite jealous…like I said, exercise and improve yourself. He should do the same

262 Marku January 14, 2013 at 7:55 pm

I have become interested in the idea behind porn recently. It’s a fascinating and strange subject.

On the one hand, I see nothing wrong with it. The sexual urge is nothing to be ashamed of. Since the dawn of time, men and women have jacked off. Just how it is. Your dad done it, your grandfather done it, get over it.

The issue for me is the escalation of porn. As many have said (including this article) it starts with a pic of exposed breasts, next time it’s a full body, then it’s video. A few weeks later, the first search you do on a fap session is ‘interracial gangbang’, and nothing before it will even give you a winkle tingle.

At one point in my relationship, I felt that the amount of porn I watched was becoming an issue. I spoke with my partner about it, we worked through it, and we are in a happy, loving relationship. I still look at porn every now and again, because sometimes I want to. Moderation is what is important. In the wise words of South Park, discipline is what is needed. Don’t drink all day every day, but don’t say ‘I can never have a drink again’, because it will rule your life just as much. The idea that you should never look at a naked picture of a girl again is stupid.

I also think that the landscape of pornography is changing dramatically. As the internet has become more popular and more expanded, porn went with it. But now, it’s almost reversing. The beautiful girls in pornos don’t look as good in ultra high def, as you can see the makeup lines, you can see the blemishes, and the illusion has disappeared somewhat. Now, amateur video has appeared, self pics, iPhone apps like blender and grinder make sex easier to find without shame.

There will always be a sex industry. Don’t lie to yourselves that it won’t. Some men want to pay for sex (for a multitude of reasons), some women want to get paid for it (again, for a multitude of reasons, some as simple as- they can make a lot of money), some people get off on the idea of being exposed.

TL;DR- Porn will always be there, it’s your choice if you look at it. Have the maturity to have moderation in what you do

263 Chelsea January 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Thank you so much for writing to the true standards of what it means to be a man. You give women like me hope. There are real men in the world. I am grateful to come to read your articles.

264 D.K. January 21, 2013 at 12:28 am

Allow me to quote a line from one of my favorite movies of all time, Cool Runnings: “If you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

265 Mae January 25, 2013 at 5:28 am

I was in a relationship with a man who had expressed to me how much he wanted to have a unified relationship. It is what I thought we had. He proposed with an 16K diamond… I believed him. In the beginning he was kind to me and my children – something that was missing from their dad (exspouse). He was always complimenting me in all aspects. I had always felt like my breasts were undersized, but he complimented them so much that I had gotten to the point where I believed they were actually pretty great. While our sex life was less than exciting in the beginning (he was very inhibited and had some erection issues) and while his 4″ didn’t do a lot to stimulate me mentally, the good relationship (I thought) we had, made sex a pleasurable thing between us. One day he scanned some files for me to the computer and when I went to trash them after printing them, I found porn in the recovered files folder in the trash. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. The breasts in this picture were about 4 cup sizes larger than mine. My self-image in regards to my breasts plummeted. No, it went farther than that. It made a grand canyon in my soul. We are now divorcing. After reading a lot about porn, I realized that it was his problem, not mine. I made the choice not to risk staying with a man who does not respect women, and who is so good at lying and covering up that he had me fooled. I will probably never let my heart go again. Thanks for nothing.

266 guy January 27, 2013 at 3:58 pm

To Mae,

If the only reason you are divorcing a guy who loves you is because you found out it watched some porn. In a recycle bin of all places, then you don’t deserve him anyway. You have just made comments upon his penis size, without thinking about the comments to your breast size. Relationships are usually about openess, honesty, trust. Maybe you should have talked to him about it. But ending with the guy, over something that every has or will do is not fair on him.

I suspect there was something already missing in your relationship, and that was probably sexual as well. Maybe you could have talked about it and experiemented with stimulating toys etc to make sex more pleasureable for you, and less humiliating for him. Also, maybe if you found something that got you both aroused that would have helped to. But it sounds to me, he helped you with your insecurities (your breasts – by complimenting them); and you left him becuase of his (lack of confidence in bed). I’d urge you to reconsider, but it sounds like you already made your mind up.

For the records, I sit on the fence with porn. If used in moderation, and not excessively, and with the consent and openess of your partner; then it shouldn’t be such a big thing. I mean come on, their wars going on and people being exploited but we choose porn as the evil we must extinguish today. I’m sure porn has helped a few relationships (but probably destroyed more due to the taboo, excessiveness and/or secretiveness associated with it).

I’m out.

267 karthik February 1, 2013 at 1:58 pm

What a great article.am a man aged 23 and got addicted to porn from past 5 years (I guess).as I kept on visiting to the websites of porn and habituated seeing them , slowly they started ruining my mind in many ways.when I was working
I was getting distracted and cant think many things straight up and suddenly got frustrated. I figured it out that the disturbance of my mental peace was pornography for sure and finally decided to stop viewing them.in the search of some anti porn motivations I found this website , for which I have to be very thankful for educating me for the right way about how men should be regarding his sexual life and also for teaching the actuality regarding porn, thanks a lot.

268 Julia Mackey February 5, 2013 at 9:54 pm

I’ve noticed differences amongst men who watch a lot of porn, men who occasionally watch porn, and men who don’t like porn. Men who watch a lot of porn are no fun in bed. There’s something deadened and detached about them, like they’re more focused on getting their fix than in connecting with me, or truly enjoying ourselves. It also feels like they’re competing with people who aren’t even there. If you’ve seen it all, and that’s become your norm, then what can I do? What compares to the professionals? Before the internet became widely available, men LOVED receiving oral sex. Men who are into porn critique my technique! They want me to “perform” deepthroat like a pro! I’m not a pro, I’m an intelligent, sexual, funny, attractive, loving woman. And I’m apparently not enough.

The two men I dated who didn’t like porn were fully present and engaged. They had a light in their eyes. There was a sense of fun, of going on an adventure together. The last man I dated, I asked him if he liked porn, and he said no, and started to apologize about it. I was so delighted. I told him that he is a rare man, and explained my feelings about how porn deadens a man and his appreciation of women and sex. He was not as sexual or as adventurous as I am, but sex was joyful and FUN and sweet again. Once again, sharing myself with a man felt like a gift that was appreciated, not like I was performing for a critical judge.

Something else that is taken from a habitual porn-user: I’ve talked to men who cannot get aroused if a woman has pubic hair, or natural breasts. These men say that porn has conditioned their tastes. It just makes me sad. These good men got damaged by porn, and now they respond only to women who spend ridiculous amounts of time and money on looking like blow-up dolls, instead of enriching themselves and enjoying their lives. I put time and effort into being attractive, but I do other things with my time, too.

I moved to a much more conservative area around the time the internet became common, and at first, I figured that was the cause of the decline in my sex life. I also wondered if I just wasn’t as attractive as I used to be, but I truly don’t think that’s the case. I get mistaken for a college girl pretty often, and carded, not by people who are trying to butter me up, but by waitresses, cashiers, etc. This article states it so well, how porn can diminish the actual real act for people. I used to love sex, and now it hardly seems worth the trouble and the risks.

269 Katrina February 6, 2013 at 7:58 pm

I think if you are in a relationship you shouldn’t watch porn. I feel like if you watch it you aren’t satisfied with your significant other. It makes us normal girls feel like we need to be emotionless, big titted, nasty girls who have no respect for themselves. And whats sad is society wants girls to think that in order to be successful and “attractive” you have to look a certain way or act a certain way. We aren’t the problem. Porn and society is. I’m proud of my small boobs and not perfect body and the fact that i don’t want to be seen as just an object and guy can use for his own pleasure and nothing else.

270 Anoni-moose February 7, 2013 at 12:41 am

I really enjoyed reading this. I’m a female who watches too much porn and everything you were describing about how porn affects men is the same way that it has affected me. I started watching porn long before I was involved with boys and it was what I thought sex was supposed to be like. If he didn’t play his role there was something wrong and if I didn’t play my role there was something wrong. It’s left me extremely superficial and hard to please when it comes to sex with anyone other than my computer and myself.

271 Vicki February 7, 2013 at 10:11 am

I found your article while looking up the effects of porn on relationships. I met a man on Second Life, we clicked and became friends then BF/GF on there with plans to meet in real life. He is going through a nasty divorce and wants to get out of one real life relationship before starting another one; I can understand that, I went through the same thing when I got divorced. We were very close, and enjoyed talking with one another. On there there are all kinds of activities-we mostly went dancing, we have two houses, belongiongs, etc., he provides very well for us on there. You can also have sex on there, which I found the graphics amazing, I thought our love life was fine. He would occasionally ask me to do some of the BDSM with him, but I am very much into human rights and find that appalling; he said he wouldn’t push me. Once about a month ago he said he had thought about getting an alternate avi to do that but it felt like cheating on me so he said he didn’t do it. Gradually, I told him if he really wanted to it, I would try to do what I could but he would have to be patient and talk to me about it; because I would rather he do it with me than someone else. He always said no, not to worry about it because he knew I realy didn’t want to do it. I took him at his word. Over the the past couple of months I have noticed a change in how he treated me and spoke to me, no longer intimate/loving; when I mentioned it to him he said no he hadn’t noticed that. We haven’t made love for a month. Last week he told me he has had an alt avi since not too long after we met in Femdom. I was devastated, felt betrayed, felt like my trust in him was shattered. He said he still wanted to be with me, but he also still wanted to stay on Femdom. I told him he was cheating on me. I asked if he had sex with them, said yes, I said then you are cheating on me. Before this he kept telling me I could do whatever I wanted to on SL, even have sex with other men and he would live with it, I said no, he shouldn’t have to live with it, and more to point I couldn’t live with it. This after we had agreed at the beginning, to be mongamous, he is the one who initiated that, for me it was understood. We became friends before anything romantic happened, I wouldn’t allow it and he was OK with it, said he could wait for me. I love this man, and I believe he loves me, even though he won’t admit it, a woman can tell; just as I knew there was something wrong. We are talking but there is a distance between us that I pray can be breached, but for me he needs to give up Femdom for that to happen; as usual he tells me I’m being closed minded. I went to the Femdom sites to investigate what it is, to speak with the male slaves about why they do this, to gain some perspective; even presented a situation of a man keeping it secret form their partner, they all said the man is cheating on his partner. I’ve read their basic philosophy and frankly am appaled at it, how the feel about men and treat men. No human being should be treated in that manner whether in real life or virtual fantasy world. I told him all of this and that I couldn’t love, respect or trust a man who allowed himself to be treated in that manner, he still insists that he wants to stay on it. Told him he has had his ‘fantasy’ and it was now time to wind it down and get off of it, i am hoping that what I have said will sink in and have an effect on him. I can only wait and see. He’s a smart man, an alpha male at work, says he wants to relax at home, so do I. I don’t get it and probably never will. You see neither of us went on SL to find a relatonship, but we met and in his words BAM. I went on because i was told I could meet and talk with people from around the world, which was very appealing to me, didn’t know about the extracurricular activities. He came on for the sailing, because he was sailing on sims, and sails in real life. We haven’t gone sailing for months, since after Thanksgiving. I am hopeful that we can resolve this with a good outcome. Sorry this is so long and rambling, but it’s our story.

272 Maxi February 10, 2013 at 9:16 am

Look, I like porn a lot but if I could simply go out my door and easily find a woman to have sex with without having to pay for it or enter into a relationship which I am not interested in doing right now then I would never look at porn again. As long as women, acting the age-old game of sexual gatekeeper and demanding some kind of emotional or monetary payment for sex, make it so hard just to get some kind of quick and easy sexual release then men will continue to use and enjoy porn. Already younger women, those who have not known a world without freely available internet porn, understand this and are changing their sexual attitudes and are becoming more like men when it comes to recreational sex. We see this in the new “hookup culture”. They know that they have to change their attitudes toward sexual availability (although many young women never did have that old attitude and so just do what comes naturally without the moral shackles of the old culture) in order to compete with more sexual choices men now have. People will still enter into long term relationships but for those who simply want sexual release by way of skin to skin contact with another and are foiled my having to jump through numerous hoops and in the end simply masturbate to porn instead, will do just that.

273 Angela February 20, 2013 at 12:53 am

I feel compelled to point out two other ways porn is destructive and/or emasculates. 1. None I have ever known who uses it regularly care or even think about foreplay. In fact, more foreplay seems to go on in the films they watch than in their bed. 2. All I have known who use it regularly have a grossly inappropriate or incorrect view of the functionality of their “man-parts”, usually tending toward thinking they are smaller than they are. This further stunts their interest in sex with a partner, because his own insecurity turns the man off, when he may be God’s gift to the woman he’s with. And no matter how often she tries to bolster his self-opinion, his insecurity continues while he continues to partake in porn with any regularity.

274 lilly February 22, 2013 at 8:54 am

I’m a girl and I always thought I was open about porn, thinking that I couldn’t care less if someone watches it. However, I had never watched porn and had always had boyfriend willing to have awesome emotional sexual relationships, where he would be yelling a lot and totally losing control out of too much pleasure. But it changed now that I watched porn and have a boyfriend who watches porn.

1- What I saw he watches is terribly disrespectful to any girl living, in that they are physically destroyed, treated like shit, and used. I couldn’t agree to someone being aroused by doing such a treachery to a women agreeing to sex.
2- I found out my boyfriend aroused by that – and ONLY that.
3- He’s stuck, he can’t lose control and have pleasure, he needs to control.

275 Christopher February 28, 2013 at 11:04 pm

For some time now, I have been observing and looking back in retrospect on how my life’s been, all the turmoil and struggles I’ve had to deal with. I’ve had a number of struggles to deal but there was no other struggle that caused me more grief, depression, and indisposition than my addiction to pornography.

It felt like so much relief to just get it on with surfing for porn for the past 4 or so years, but at the same time, those years were just miserable for me. In some cases i’ve used to look at porn every single day for a month straight through. It was so easy for me as I always got bored around the house. But every single time it’s over, afterwards, I just feel so aweful. Generally I’m looked at as a gentleman, I always treat woman with great respect in person. I also very religious and go to the church very often. This addiction has brought me to lies, shame, and just and neverending longing for joy out of it.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel terrible. How can I ever tell my future girlfriend/wife about such an issue and hard times I had dwelt in. I really wish to be married to a god-fearing women one day, in fact I’m friends with such a girl. I like her and it would just astounding to have a beautiful relationship with her. But after having dwelling through all this, in fact, getting over it not even a week(i know, horrible), how can i redeem myself. All these images, the sham generalization of the women that the industry trys to depict. It’s like a curse…

I fear for the day that I would partake in such intimacy with the women God has gifted me with, only to go over the top, only to be disappointed by all the false expectations, only to ruin such moments.

I don’t want to be disappointed with my future lover/wife. I don’t ever dare want to be disatisfied with her. I want her to be my only one in my heart. I don’t want these thoughts, the despondent memories of my reckless pursuits in such sin to follow me to and through marriage, only to ruin the way I would see her. I hate this….I really just hate myself now. Obviously theres no way to take it all back, all those years..

I really want to know from any insightful men on here: how can I redeem myself spiritually? How can I avoid the disaster of divorce and ruined intimacy with my signifant other in the future? How I can get myself to mentally get right back on track with myself and gain self security again? How can I recover after all these reckless and miserable years? I’m only 17…

I want to rid myself of all the psychological effects of porn…. I don’t want to have such a over corrupted false perception of women. I want to truely respect women, not just show it in person, but actually keep that virtue of respect with me 24/7. I’ve always wanted to be a better man, and now that I realized that this addiction would get me nowhere, I truely want to abstain from it, and wholeheartedly wish to quit.

Thanks to the writer of this article, you gave me such immense revelation… though i now feel utmost regretful…i hope I’ll be able to heal from it soon…

276 Girl March 4, 2013 at 9:18 am

I really like this article because of how it tackles the issue so manfully :) Just to add my bit…when I was younger I “caught” my father watching pornography on the internet several times. He always pretended he didn’t and never admitted it even when I confronted him. I’m not from America; in fact I’m from a pro-Muslim country. I’m a Christian. Anyway…I lost a lot of respect for my father at that point. Until now, I still get suspicious if I see him on the computer.

And now, years later, I can see how his actions affected my entire family, especially my brother. I’m not saying that it was entirely his fault; it wasn’t. However…it was a contributing factor.

Although it is wrong of my father to watch porn, the industry is also REALLY WRONG to advertise their wares so brazenly. Porn had always been around – its just that now it is ten times harder not to get affected by it. Guys have a really tough time with it, much more so that girls. Usually.

On a plus note, I immediately lose respect for any guy who watches pornography regularly, and so would any healthy, God-fearing lady. We women should stand up for our right to be loved and respected as women, not a hunk of meat or a mere fantasy.

277 Shefali March 6, 2013 at 2:59 pm

I think this article is spot on.

Also, since this is an article for men, romance novels are not mentioned, but they are in many ways the female equivalent of porn – they can build up unrealistic, unhealthy expectations for relationships.

That doesn’t mean I think they should be outlawed, but that people should use their own judgement.

Also, there is a difference between, say, erotic art or a classic love novel which features a love story (Anna Karenina, for example) vs. the hard core stuff.

I think husbands and wives should always be available for each other sexually and should try to please each other – in order to do that, though, they need to love and respect each other as real people.

278 Miss M March 7, 2013 at 11:07 am

I cannot thank you enough for this article. First let me say I am about more than sex. I was in a marriage for 7 years that was virtually void of sex, as I truly loved my husband. We fell apart for other reasons, unfortunately, and I have since been in several relationships. I am now with who I thought was the man of my dreams – a truly decent guy. However, about a month ago, I found porn on my boyfriend’s computer and it has rocked me. I knew he had a somewhat seedy past in terms of sex, but thought it was over. I have watched porn myself in the past, but feel it is disrespectful to do so when you are in a relationship. After finding the porn, I went through a crisis -trying to change myself into what he was obviously looking for. But it made me miserable. Watching porn to try to become what he wanted made me feel so incredibly sub-par. I found myself hating my body even more. Then the issue of strip clubs came up, which I am also very uncomfortable with, and he told me if I didn’t let him go if he was ever asked to go, he could not stay in the relationship, as it was a “leash tied around his neck.” He told me he is a typical guy and that there is something wrong with the guys I have dated previously it they are not into the same things he is. I tried reaching out to my female friends for advice, and I was greeted with “you need to relax.” I consider myself an open-minded individual, but have been made to feel like a prudish, silly little worry-wart. I enjoy making love to my boyfriend, and always am eager to do so. Not once have I turned him down, as I truly do enjoy being with him. So this seeking out of sex perplexes me, and instantly makes me take it personally, as if I am satisfying him as I hope to, why would he seek out fantasies? I am not built like your average woman – I was not blessed with the porn-star or stripper shape. It has haunted me my whole life, from having to stay away from cleavage-baring clothes (which of course=sexy in men’s minds) to wearing the most conservative bathing suit to give me the appearance of curves. This has led to horrible self-esteem, which I readily admit to. But along comes my boyfriend, who tells me he prefers my shape. I get comfortable, feel attractive, and then discover porn with the most buxom women I have ever seen, and then he drops the strip club bomb on me. How would I not be confused? I now question everything he tells me, wondering if it is genuine. I am in such a bind – end this relationship as I will never see it as he does, or keep trying, hoping he will understand. Either way, I truly appreciate your article, and it has made me feel empowered, versus powerless, knowing that there are others who agree with me.

279 Juno March 14, 2013 at 5:15 pm

“The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it” This is SO true. The only reason I reached this article, was because I was considering watching a bit of PORN (there I said it) but wasn’t too sure of doing it, because in the past is has rendered me completely UNABLE to be turned on by anything else. Really it comes to the point when I said in my brain “why would I have sex at all if I can watch porn?” Sexuality goes down the drain and others are not happy bout it XD Thanks for reminding me

280 Mercedes March 16, 2013 at 9:39 am

My perspective . . . my guy enjoys his porn soooooo much . . . he can have it . . . but not me . . . I want a man who wants “ME” with immense desire so that I can reciprocate. His urge for any hoe online has made my feelings change. Any thoughts?

281 Kolbe March 18, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I agrea with everything in this article, but I have to strongly disagree that porn is not an addiction. It is a very very addictive in fact a study was done that proved it relises 8 times the addictive affects of Cocaine. I am going to straight up I am an addict and yes I am going through with drawl I have shaky hands and farther more when it was REALLY bad I could look no one in the eye. I made a huge mistake never underestimate it.

282 Tim March 19, 2013 at 6:22 pm

well brought out

283 Alex March 21, 2013 at 9:35 am

My boyfriend was addicted to porn before we met, and he hated it, and tried to stop. Once we got together, we started off with him watching it occasionally, but I soon found this very upsetting. For me, it was so troubling because his relationship with porn wasn’t one of mindless images, he had quite strong attachments to certain women, and it was that which really upset me.
It also affected the way he looked at me and other women, he became much more objectifying when he watched it, and it made him look at other women more. Our sex life also was damaged as result, it felt so much less passionate and close.
So we agreed that he wouldn’t watch it, and it was something we both wanted. He didn’t like the way it affected him, or so he said. But he found it very hard to stay away from it, and he often got urges to watch it, which we discussed.
About 4 months after he stopped watching it, he admitted to me that for the past 3-4 weeks when we had sex he had been thinking about other women. Mostly he had been thinking about porn stars, but also 5 of my best friends on different occasions, and even pictures of women he’d seen on my facebook feed. This almost broke us up, but I couldn’t leave him. He felt like it was an effect of having watched porn for so many years before, and because he had desires to watch it again, but he also felt that if he had continued to watch porn it would have only happened sooner.
We stayed together and he vowed to continue to try and not watch porn until his urges were finally gone. It feels like a maturity thing as well. However yesterday, our first night apart in 3 months, he watched it again. And I don’t know if I can continue with this constant battle, which always seems to fail. Should I just tell him to watch it if he wants? He insists it’s something he wants to be rid of, but he’s finding it so hard. I hate porn, I hate how it messes up teenage boys and I hate how it has basically ruined our relationship. I think people don’t realise the corrosive effect it has on young people.

284 Mark March 25, 2013 at 11:59 pm

I am now in my 30′s and currently in a ‘healthy’ relationship with a girl I love. I have watched porn for as long as I can remember and I now know that it is responsible for setting up high expectations of the looks of my previous partners and the sexual explicitness I have expected. My current partner does not watch porn and never has at a mature age but has no issues with me watching porn as so she says (I watch once of twice a week).

Something is happening of late in my relationship as it starts to grow. My partner is very open about things but is not as explicit as previous partners. When she talks about previous partners I think about things more graphically leading to unnecessary jealousy. I feel this effecting my performance in the bedroom… always hoping to do to her the things I know she is not comfortable with and then I continue to watch porn to satisfy what I cannot do to my partner.

I found this article very interesting to read and hope it helps me remove my self from porn and give my partner the respect she deserves.

285 Anonymous Female March 27, 2013 at 11:25 pm

I just broke up with my boyfriend who was a porn user. Before I started seriously dating him we had a discussion about it where I made it clear I did not like it and that I was wanting something that would transcend that garbage – a meaningful soulful relationship between us and us alone, in our hearts, soul and minds. His response was “I’d rather be doing it than watching it.” For some reason, that simple answer was enough. I was too trusting and just wanted a partner to love me after years of neglect from a previous husband. It wasn’t until way over a year later that I discovered his porn use. He wanted me to run an errand one day and it was clear to me he was chasing me out of the house in a hurry. Red flags went up. I left the house and then discovered he was sexually interacting with another anonymous female on an Internet site. (I couldn’t believe women put themselves out there like this). I was devastated and realized that this was the reason I was being chased away. (I would have had sex with him anytime he wanted, but preferred the virtual sex with a stranger. It devastated to me to realize the fantastic relationship I thought I had was a fantasy in my own mind) He said he wouldn’t do it anymore when I freaked out and was crying and distraught. I became more suspicious as time went on and realized he was using this site several times a week – basically whenever i left the house. I then realized after three years, I couldn’t do it anymore – be that freaky girlfriend always checking up. Because he had lied to me on several occasions, I didn’t bother asking him whether or not he was using. He also wanted no real meaningful commitment to me (marriage) and that I was all about his life and our future was about how we could both achieve HIS goals. I had no direction of my own. I got a job (thank God) and decided I should get my own house as he had all of the assets in his name and my own funds were dwindling each year I was with him. Although I explained these various issues to him countless times, he never understood any of it. It was mind boggling to him that he couldn’t understand any of it. All he could see was that I was leaving and therefore I was causing the relationship to fail. I now see that his lack of empathy was probably due to long-term porn use. (I had also been in physically abusive and mentally abusive relationships in the past and it was like he didn’t really believe me or think that these were big deals.) Being single may be lonely but at least I don’t have to wonder what he’s up to anymore. I guess I just decided to stop caring. Sad but another learning experience I will never go through again.

286 Codered April 2, 2013 at 7:31 am

I found out about this article from Fight The New Drug. Thank you for writing! Porn has destroyed my now ex-husband and is trying to destroy our boys. I’m so tired of fighting it but I appreciate all the help in exposing the truth about what the effects really are. Again-many, many thanks

287 nick May 5, 2013 at 1:56 pm

I think porn has a negative effect on my relationship with my new girlfriend. This is the first relationship ive been in since my ex left me and my son 7 years ago. She was my first and I really didnt want to get over her and find a new relationship. So I relied on porn. And I was depressed and I gained a lot of weight. Now I finally met someone new and she is great. But I have had a hard time maintaining an erection many times. I think this has a lot to do with my reliance on porn for the last 7 years of my life. Im used to having “sex” with multiple women every time I have an orgasm. And being able to choose whatever physical attributes I desire at the moment. So this goes with the overstimulation theory in the article. Thank you for the article. I really love my new girlfriend and want to overcome my erectile dysfunction. She has many orgasms. I dont. She wants to feel like shes making me as happy as I make her. Im sure theres other psychological aspects to the problem as well, but I think the porn is the biggest. Shes also married to a man that I used to concider my best friend untill I found out how bad he treats her. She has a baby boy as well. Ive been a single father for 7 years and this is a huge change for me. She is also overweight like me. Not to much. I still am attracted to her, but I am used to the really skinny girls in the porn. I am going to try really hard to give up the porn. I think it will help a lot. Thanks again for the article.

288 Srinivas Kari May 6, 2013 at 9:22 pm

This is my stance: If you have a good husband/wife who is on the same page when it comes to sex (similar sex drive, similar opinion about sex etc) then you should stay away from porn. However, since very few people in the real world are lucky enough to have such good partners, I think that porn fills this void: think of it this way: those who have the money to afford good food buy it; those who cannot afford food (eg people living in third world countries) will eat just about anything, even if it is not deemed healthy by medicine and mainstream society (like cheap fast food, street food etc). To those people, porn is just a way to release built up sexual energy. It is at least better than getting no sex at all.

289 Brian May 9, 2013 at 4:16 am

About #4, diminished sexual response, it’s important to point out the growing problem facing young men: porn-induced erectile dysfunction.

In the past 15 years we’ve gone from 56k modems to high-speed HD porn in almost any genre you can think of. And many men are now realizing that by escalating the genres and the amount of porn they watch, they are effectively desensitizing their brains to be turned on by real, normal sex.

Guys: if you are experiencing porn-induced ED, just know that you CAN fully recover and have a normal sex life again. I went through it, and while it was a difficult process, it IS possible. I fully recovered and now have a great, fulfilling sex life.

Seek info, educate yourself, and start your recovery!

290 Ryan_1980 May 18, 2013 at 2:26 pm

This is a very interesting article on a hugely important topic.

To update it slightly, though, I think you would also need to acknowledge the new-age so-called ‘feminist pornography’ that has appeared in the last 5 years or so. This especially has relevance to your point ’1′: it’s goal is to focus more (or exclusively) on female pleasure — almost to the point of objectification of the male. In fact many female producers openly boast that their intention is to objectify men (in some sort of reverse revenge rationale you would suppose).

Nonetheless the addictive properties remain the same: I feel addiction is the correct terminology since the male orgasm-dopamine-circuitry is one of the most intensly rewarding aspect of the human body.

I think men badly need support and help to protect themselves from the problems that many of the contributors outline above.

291 valerie May 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm

I am no prude. I like porn. To enhance our sex life. But when your fiancee is constantly looking at porn. Says what he does privately is personal. It tends to ruin my self esteem. I am a beautiful woman. Guys try and pick me up all the time. With my man…I feel sub standard. I don’t even believe he wouldn’t cheat on me anymore. He is away working. 6 days now and has admitted to pleasuring himself 3 times. I offered phone sex but has no interest. I am leaving the relationship. He just has no interest. I could walk around naked and he wouldn’t even notice. Oral sex is nil from him. Doesn’t like it. Is THAT normal? He does not understand how much he hurts me.
So to guys out there that think it doesn’t hurt their girls….you are wrong. Guys reading this….please advise or commemt from a male point of view. PLEASE

292 O May 19, 2013 at 1:51 pm

I agree with all of this article I have been subject to most sides of this fence I have worked in webcamming, phone sex, as an escort and stripper and I have also been in relationships where porn and these “work ” activities I have participated in have become a problem for me cuz the person I was with was into them – men where constantly disapointing seeing the way they behave has caused me a lot of heartbreak I got into sex industry young 15 cuz a porn addicted bf I’d been with since I was 12 fed me to a 35 year old couple a child psychologist and his grade 2 teacher wife and its been one challenge after another my bf I have now has been watching porn for so long he wants me to get gangbanged on film and makes me do the dirtiest shit ever I HATE porn for what it has done to society to my life I have eating disorders I am uncomfortable being around my bf with even remotly pretty females around I am very pretty I’ve forced my body to look like a cartoon from a heavy metal magazine cuz I’m so insecure Iwish you men would think of the butterfly effect what some girl is doing to turn u on WILL trickle down to your daugdaughter’s
Its funny in my industry the biggest pigs are the most protective fathers … Why do u go around placeing your daughter in a bubble just to pollute her world outside of the bubble ???
Porn is selfish any man who would rather watch porn than respect his wife’s feelings is not a man it is a selfish little boy who should go back to his mom for more parenting …

293 Lucy May 25, 2013 at 11:54 am

Unfortunately, I think your link on this/your page: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/
was hacked by:
http://revolutionaryman.com/?f

I love your article on this page: The Problem With Porn. Keep up the good work. You gave an honest and valid answer. Many people that know as you do fear expressing such honest/valid thoughts. Thank you.

294 Jacob May 30, 2013 at 1:56 am

I think this is a good article about a very important issue.

But I would like to suggest that we stop splitting people into “real” men and women and start thinking of everyone as people. I would like to see articles about how to be a “real human”.

I think men consume more porn because of the divide of the sexes. Women are used to make money for men who are in power. This isn’t OK. When I was a teenager there was a lot of pressure on me to be a real man. This meant that I “shouldn’t be a woman”. Now I don’t care about being a “real man”. I want to be human. I try to live my life in a way that can make me feel good and contribute to make other people feel good. This has improved my quality of life a lot.

295 Sage McLaughlin June 23, 2013 at 12:32 am

I love porn for the simple fact that i can jack off to avoid the social drama and bullshit it takes when dealing with relationships. It also gives me focus to accomplish my career goals rather than find a relationship where i have kids and i end up having to pay child and maternal support leaving me depressed poor and suicidal.

296 mike June 23, 2013 at 1:33 pm

Hey if porn changes your expectations about sex and women and this is bad and you should quit… then movies also change expectations about everything in life, and it is also an abusive industry in many ways. But you won’t quit movies, cause moves are not something your moral belief leaders told you that were a bad thing. All this bad things about porn might be true to an extent, but congruency is more important, porn is only an effect of what society buys, sells and exchanges everyday, and porn has no freewill, porn is an aspect of society and it is society the one that should be criticized in the first place if something will be criticized at all.

297 L.A. June 23, 2013 at 7:03 pm

This was an excellent article that did not bash porn but rather exposed it for the sorry thing that it is. For the reasons stated above pornography is unworthy of human effort and I can only be glad for anything that attacks it. I love humanity and pornography diminishes the human experience so I hate pornography. Though I have little doubt that porn will consume men as long as it is available I can only hope that this article was read by a few good men who are willing to change their lives for the better. I am even more elated to know that an article on breaking addiction is in the works, knowing that there will be a follow-up for those who want to quit.

298 Amanda July 2, 2013 at 11:02 pm

Im married and my husband used to always want to connect with me…massages, cuddles, lots of sex, even just laying beside me and look at me…there was a real connection…now we rarely have sex or even hug and he is disconnected from it…he always looks at other women and never me. He is in another world…and the sad part is he is so consumed by it that he will never stop. jerking off to other people having sex is ACTUALLY more important to him than losing his wife and I am about to walk out after I figure out where I can go because I am so sick of it. I am 25 and being cheated out of love and a normal life because my husband is not willing to turn off the porn ( and he knows about all of the scientific evidence etc ) he lies and lies says he will stay off but never wants sex and is on phone and tablet every day of course history is always deleted hmm wonder why

299 B.D. July 15, 2013 at 8:49 pm

http://yourbrainonporn.com/ gives a lot of neuroscience/evolutionary reasons against porn. It is disturbing that our society has become so complacent that we think it’s normal to watch other people have sex. If you were to go to a live performance of this type you would be ostracized severely by your peers (unless you hang out with sexual deviants), yet watching a video recording of two people you don’t even know having sex is completely mainstream. The best points on here are about the industry’s exploitation of its ‘talent.’ The women are, as noted, extremely troubled and are being used for the consumption of millions and millions of people (not just men) who don’t think about their state of mind, or how they got to be a pornographic actress.

My generation, particularly, is damned. I am 25 years old, and my first sexual experience as a 12-year-old boy was with pornography. It is too easily accessible now, with free streaming sites offering innumerable new videos each day. Men are growing (and have grown) up thinking that it is acceptable to ejaculate onto a woman’s face when you orgasm, or that the majority of women demand anal sex. Perhaps even worse, young women have caught on to this and are beginning to try to give men an experience similar to those depicted in pornographic scenes, yet only feeling less and less self respect as they trade their humanity for a sense of being wanted.

I really hate what internet pornography has done to men my age. We are desensitized, selfish, oversexed, hedonistic, shallow and really quite stupid on the average, and a lot of this has to do with the unprecedented availability to nearly everyone who grew up in the US at the turn of the century of streaming, anonymous internet porn. The sentiments and language of pornography have also flooded into pop culture, making mainstream what should be considered deviant and harmful.

Who ultimately benefits from men sitting by themselves at their computers, masturbating to images and videos of women being used as sexual implements? Certainly not men, or the women who try to love them in spite of their inability to connect with them deeply due to being raised to be a sex-obsessed moron. Only the media fatcats, like Viacom (who also own Disney), who distribute and publish pornographic media for billions of dollars a year really benefit, and they’re so far gone from morality that they’re hardly human anymore.

God save us, or extraterrestrials, or… perhaps we can save ourselves? Why don’t we demand for ourselves self-control, introspection, respect of ourselves and others? Why don’t we demand for ourselves deep, satisfying romantic relationships where sexual intercourse is another way to connect and express our adoration and love for our partners, rather than using romance for sex? Why don’t we demand to know who ultimately benefits from the ways we spend our time, and adjust those ways to better serve people as a whole, and not the greedy, inhuman porn purveying perverts? Individual men need to begin looking at themselves and making changes. I’m working my ass off to go against the flow of the culture I was so unfortunately raised into. I don’t want to be a desensitized drone who lives his days seeking fleeting moments of pleasure. I want to seek peace and true, lasting happiness and self-worth. And I want my peers to do the same.

300 Ali August 26, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Wow, thank you for this. I was morally on the fence and looking for an unbiased view on the topic and its effects. This is such a great read, and so very helpful to my finding solid ground.

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