Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Jon Finkel.
Presidents are notorious for giving their dogs politically correct names (See: Bill Clinton re: Buddy or Gerald Ford re: Liberty). Lyndon Johnson even had a pair of beagles he simply named Him and Her. But our manliest president, Teddy Roosevelt, would have none of that. Not only does he have a dog breed named after him (the Teddy Roosevelt Terrier) he is also responsible for perhaps the two coolest Oval Office dog names around: Sailor Boy and Blackjack. Since you don’t have your own dog breed named after you and you’re not likely to become the leader of the free world, we thought we’d provide you with a little assistance when it comes to the art of picking a manly name for your dog.
1) When it comes to female dog names, if you’re a single guy, steer clear of naming her after your favorite actress or supermodel (unless you want to end up like Michael Rapaport’s character in Beautiful Girls). Your buddies might think it’s funny, but grown women will think you’re fifteen.
2) Ironic names are like somewhat clever/funny voice mail recordings; they’re usually not as funny as you think they are, but even if they work, they’re only funny once, so don’t use them. Introducing your 10-pound Maltese named Bear might get a smile from some people, but then again, it might not. Also, if you’re a man, why do you have a Maltese? The only thing with the word “Maltese” in it that should be in your house is a copy of the Dashiell Hammett novel.
3) No car names for dogs. If you can’t afford a Lexus, don’t name your dog Lexus. If you can’t afford a BMW, don’t name your dog Beamer. It makes you look ridiculous. If you can afford these cars and you name a dog after your car, that’s probably the reason people don’t return your phone calls.
4) Dogs named after brands of alcohol are hard to pull off. As a rule, the more masculine the drink, the greater chance the name might be a success. Also, liquor names tend to work better than beer names: A Doberman named Johnny Walker? Possibly. A black lab named Guinness? Maybe. An Irish Setter named Jameson? You might be on to something. A Weimaraner named Corona or Michelob? Doubtful. Even Budweiser’s own canine mascot was named Spuds, not Bud.
4a) Age is a big factor with this rule. You have to go with your gut and trust your friends. In college, I thought my friend’s dog Jäger, as in Jägermeister, was the coolest thing ever. At the time, it probably was. Now that my buddy is 32 and has two daughters, the name feels a bit dated.
5) Piggybacking on the last corollary to the last rule: Never forget that many dogs live well beyond ten years–which is well beyond the few years of fame most pop stars enjoy. Letting your 14-year-old daughter name your new dog Bieber might make her happy now, but when your child is 24 and Justin Bieber is in rehab, nobody will be happy–least of all, the dog.
6) You really can’t go wrong with dogs named after great literary characters or old-school Presidents. Some examples: Lincoln and Jackson are great dog names. Huckleberry, Gatsby, and Buck (even though the character in this last case is an actual dog) are solid as well.
7) Be careful about naming your dog after famous authors. You might be tempted to name your dog Hemingway or Twain or Cormac, but half the people won’t get the name and the other half will probably accuse you of being pretentious. That doesn’t leave many people besides you to appreciate it.
8) Never, ever name your dog after a current player on your favorite sports team. It may seem like a good idea, even if he just signed a 10-year, $127 million contract, but it’s not. Even if you never in your wildest dreams pictured Player X playing for another team, don’t do it. It’s not worth the agony when all of a sudden your favorite player somehow becomes a team cancer and decides he wants a contract extension, or more catches, or more playing time. Once that happens, you’re in trouble. Then, of course, there’s free agency. Sweating out a free agency period with your favorite athlete on the line is tough enough already, no need to make it worse.
8a) If your wife surprises you with a dog as a gift without reading this article, and she names the dog after Player X without your knowledge, or your kids absolutely love the name and you can’t turn them down, and Player X gets traded or signs elsewhere, you have every right to change your dog’s name. Think about how many dogs named “LeBron” are walking around Cleveland right now. Not a pretty sight.
9) Naming a dog after your favorite retired athlete isn’t the most unique idea, but if you do it, you absolutely have to take into account whether that athlete might do something insane in retirement that will make you want to change the dog’s name. There must have been several dozen people in the Buffalo area with dogs named OJ or Juice who were scrambling for new names for their pets in the mid ’90s. Retired players are good. Dead players are better. Same goes for actors, actresses, politicians, celebrities, artists, etc…
10) Dogs named after college coaches are a bad idea — too much insecurity and uncertainty about the character of the coach and how long he’ll be there. Would you want to have a dog named Paterno right now? Didn’t think so.
11) As for naming a dog after a stadium or arena, proximity to that stadium or arena is a major factor in whether you should do this. A dog named Fenway in Boston will be a dime a dozen and most likely looked upon as an uninspired nod to your Red Sox fandom. Same for a dog named Wrigley in Chicago or Lambeau in Green Bay. The farther you live from where your team plays, the more chance you have of the dog’s name coming off as original. A dog named Lambeau in Baton Rouge, Louisiana will probably be just fine. For large fan bases, it’s safer to stay away from these names, because chances are if you live near a major metropolitan area, there will be lots of transplants.
12) Dogs named after colleges or mascots in general are okay, but like stadiums, proximity is a factor. How many dogs named Gator are there in Florida? How many dogs named Bama are in Alabama? Hundreds. Avoid them. Better pick something original about your college experience and go with that. The street name your fraternity or sorority house was on, your favorite sandwich at your favorite sub shop–something like that is always good and gives you a great story.
13) Fido, Spot, Toto, Lassie, Snoopy, Buddy, etc…are all unacceptable.
14) Names based on a dog’s physical traits are also unacceptable: Fluffy, Snowy, Midnight, Brownie, Whitey… In fact, if your dog’s name could in some way be misinterpreted as an outdated racial insult, avoid it.
15) When in doubt, remember two things: simplicity and originality.
____________________________________________________
Jon Finkel has written for GQ, Details, ComedyCentral.com and the New York Times, among others. For tons of manly advice about how to name a child, interview for a job or even decide which actor played the most believable real-life boxer, check out Jon Finkel’s The Three Dollar Scholar: Awesome Advice for Acing Life’s Major Decisions and Mindless Debates today! Follow Jon on Twitter: @3dollarscholar
What did you name your dog? What names have you admired or disliked in the dogs of others? Sound off in the comments.
Related Posts
-
So You Want My Job: Name Consultant
-
The Art of Manliness Podcast Episode #7: Rules for My Unborn Son with Walker Lamond
-
5 Lessons Rugby Taught Me About Fatherhood
-
Choosing Man’s Best Friend: A Guide to Canine Companions
-
Share:
-
- Tweet
-
Email Story to a Friend
-
-
Print
{ 457 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
I am surprised that the classic names aren’t listed: Rex, Chief, Scout, Shep, Jack, and removing all doubts Killer.
Interesting article, although I have to disagree with #14. My neighbors two black labs are named Onyx and Ebony which I feel are excellent dog names.
We named our dog Wake, for Wake Forest. my wife is from about an hour from there and we currently live about 3 hours from there. Everyone knows the school wherever we go and we have yet to meet another Wake. What do you think, are we ok?
Best dog I ever had was named Sam. My sister named him that with no apparent reason, but it just worked.
I would like to add that naming a dog after an old folk or blues singer almost never goes wrong. Consider your choices: “Woody” “Cisco” “Lefty” “Pete” “Buddy”, et.al. They’re friendly, but rugged names that don’t go out of style.
I think that its important to remember that one day your pet is going to run away from you and you will have to chase behind it yelling for it to come back. When that day happens you don’t want to be shouting, “Fifi! Get back here!” No you want to shout something manly…like Sparta.
may i just add to beware of “temporary” names. i mean, sometimes you have to call the dog something while you figure out the right name.
but other times a mini fox terrier wanders up, and, in light of the two 80-100 lb dogs around, you take to calling her “little dog” while you look for whoever clearly lost her. it is possible that 6 years later your folks’ still have a very small dog named “little” and it’s all your fault =)
generally, though, i have found that it is just clear when you’ve found the right name for a dog. sometimes it takes 2 minutes (as with my “solomon”) and sometimes it takes a week or two (as with my “bugle”), but man their names are so perfect for them.
400 plus comments. Pretty amazing. I made these rules up from my own experiences and it’s amazing how many people inherently used the same thought process to name their own dogs.
@Dan… Totally agree on the dog running away angle… That should be a litmus test right off the bat…
If you guys really enjoyed this article, check out the rest of the book, The Three Dollar Scholar – Awesome Advice for Acing Life’s Major Decisions and Mindless Debates, for only $2.99 on Amazon right now:
http://www.amazon.com/Three-Dollar-Scholar-Decisions-ebook/dp/B005URS1GI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326480826&sr=8-1
I have a little beaglier called Scout, as he always runs ahead of me, sniffing everything he comes across compulsively.
Scout is about as good a dog as you can get, and I’ve not met anyone who hasn’t enjoyed his company even if they proclaim not to like animals.
My youngest daughter names all of our dogs. They have all been strays that have found us. Sunshine, Joe (as in average), and Turtle. They have all fit the dogs perfectly.
We had a Standard Poodle named Gatsby and a Rottweiler named Damnit – as in “get off of me Damnit!” We now have a Hybrid Wolf named Lupara from the GodFather’s term for a sawed-off shotgun – Lupara loosely means “wolf shot”. We have a Labrador named Pooh Bear (love to play with my Pooh everyday) and the worlds ugliest Chihuahua named Jezebel because she is a major flirt – big time. We treat her like a big dog and she’s the Alpha of the pack. When I was a little kid we had a Labrador named Barnaby.
I named my pug Mozes.
I have a gold retriever named Duke. I named him after everyone’s favorite cowboy. I think it works for him.
My dad’s greatest dog was named Valdez, and I heard so many stories about him growing up that he’s seems like one of the famous dog heroes. My dad often referred to him as Valdez the Wonder Dog.
The dog I grew up with was named J.P., for Jean-Luc Picard.
@Jeff Lager: I’m a big John Wayne fan too. I bet he would appreciate that. I read that Duke got his nickname because of a dog that he loved. So that kinda completes the circle. Here’s a link to that: http://www.answers.com/topic/john-wayne.
My dog was dumped near our country home. At first he wouldn’t come near me. Gradually he would get closer and follow me. One day he started following me and would bump my hand with his cold wet nose, like he was tagging me. That inspired his name, and almost 12 years later “Tag” is still here. He is a very loyal friend.
I named my dogs Innis and Gunn after my favorite beer. Is that fine?
We’ve got a little mutt that we named Bowser. I know that sounds kind of unoriginal, but there’s actually some strategy behind the name. Firstly, it sounds like a name a dog would have. Secondly (and more importantly, to my mind), it has a strong vowel sound in it, which tends to get a dog’s attention (the “ow” sound).
I find that dogs tend to learn and respond to their names more quickly and naturally if the name is short (couple syllables should be enough, really) and contains a good, strong vowel sound (oo, ay, ee, eye, etc.)
Anyway, there’s my two cents. Good article.
My female black lab is Rayne, its easy to get her attention when hunting, i personally havent heard another dog named that, i think it sounds cool, and most inprotantly my wife agreed to it!
The funniest i seen is a big bad biker man with 2 pomerians named Harley and Chopper. Who says bikers arent kind giants.
My Labs name are Arthas (World of Warcraft, Lich King) and MoJo. but they will answer to dumb and dumber, if we tell them they are smart it will go to their heads.
Once met a great dane name Reginald. he was so regal . . it was perfect.
My wife and I just picked out our first dog, a Golden Retriever (in my opinion, the ONLY canine breed there is) and I named him after one of the greatest General’s, President’s and American’s in our history…his name is Ike.
I have an English Bulldog female named Dizzy Devil
We have two dogs, a Golden Retriever named Patton and a Bulldog named Churchill.
“Also, if you’re a man, why do you have a Maltese? The only thing with the word “Maltese” in it that should be in your house is a copy of the Dashiell Hammett novel.”
My immediate reaction was all “oh, come on. This is so outdated! It’s a dog! Who cares if they’re on the small side, for instance some terriers are the toughest animal you’ve ever seen, how is that not ‘manly’…”
*Google image search of Maltese.*
Ah. Yes. I get it now.
We ended up going with the name the shelter chose as “Leroy” seemed to fit really well. We get a lot of Leroy Brown responses, which is appropriate, as the dog was found and now lives on the South Side of Chicago. But if anyone is familiar with video game references, Leeroy Jenkins seemed like a good fit for a puppy too.
I do like the idea of using some kind of unique reference to your college, particularly since we were just out of school when we got him. If it was a lady dog we were considering “Harper” after the street we used to live on and one of our school’s libraries – Harper Lee would have just been a bonus.
My son told me he wants three dogs: sandwich, dinosaur, and fish. Dunno what to make of those choices.
I don’t own a dog, but when I do, I want it to be a boxer named Atlas. Never heard of that before. Is it pretentious to name a dog after a mythological character?
Jack (#424), I am all for World War 2 inspired dog names. Awesome choices!
My dogs are named Guinness, Shiner, and Mr. Tibbs (goes by Tibbs). They’re all easy to shout and never offend anyone.
My favorite dog was Bob Barker…I guess you
need to be old enough to remember him from the Price Is Right. Yes, it’s a celebrity name, but it always got a laugh
Our basset was named Barney, and our beagle was Boomer. Perfect for both.
I named my dog Woosh, my nickname as a kid.
I have an American pit bull terrier named Chubbs. He isn’t fat, but the name suits him.
Being a Lab lover. My first lab was a yellow female named Fawn. The family I got her from named her, she was the best dog ever. My second lab one was a black one I named Buck, sticking with the whole “outdoor” theme. He was a great friend too. And my current pal of mine is Jake, a yellow lab I got from a breeder friend. And when his time has come, I think I’ll name the next one Elwood. Although my wife tells me no more…HA!
Named my dog Simba, as a compromise (read: bloody fist fight) between my brother’s and I who each wanted to name him differently. One brother wanted “Tiger” for the irony, another “Snowball” because the dog was white and fluffy, and I wanted a boring ol name like “jake.”
I think Simba worked out really well actually.
Our dog is named Murph. As in Lt. Michael Murphy (Medal of Honor recipient) of the United States Navy. Figured I couldn’t go wrong naming mans best friend after a military hero.
I’ve always been told that for training purposes that dog names should be two syllables and commands one. Since dogs don’t actually understand language it makes things less confusing.
Two favorite dog names that are still relevant: Strider and Brego.
Husky – Kanoa (hawaiian name for a sled dog, it seems to work)
English Springer Spaniel – Abby Mae (traditional spaniel name)
German Shepherd – Gunner (special teams dynamo)
Lab – Fenway (obvious Red Sox fan)
Nothing wrong with a man having a maltese, they were originally bred for hunting rodents and other small varmints; many toy breeds were originally used as hunting dogs, it’s the ridiculous hairstyles that make these dogs seem unsuited for a man. Let the coat of a maltese, toy poodle, or havanese grow naturally and you have a shaggy looking hardy animal that can withstand the harsher elements. I grew up with a toy poodle and I saw that little dog take on full size breeds without hesitation. Don’t underestimate the tenacity of the smaller breeds.
I have a sable colored German Shepherd I picked up from a pet store and she was the only one there. Her name is Addison but I call her Addi for short.
One corollary to the “old football player” rule: If the player was an absolute, total bad-ass in his playing days who also stayed with the team for all (or most all) of his career, go with it. A bulldog named “Nitschke”, “Butkus” or “Ditka”? Epic win.
I’ve named mine Diesel (Male), Dani (Female), Brio (Female), Peanut (Female), Nick (Male), Sam (Male), Guinness (Male), Ava (Female), and Turbo (Male, master of destruction).
“SUDS” – Samuel Ulysses Dominic Smith – jet black lab – aka Sam, Sammy, Sammy Davis Jr, Uly, Ules, Useless (*always* followed by an apology), Dom, The Godfather, Mr Corleone, Smitty, Mr Smythe, the blacksmith, and last but best, my pal.
The coolest dog name I ever came up with was D. O. G. Kind of pronounced “D’Oghee”. He was a Dalmatian, so he got a lot attention anyway. It was funny, little kids ALWAYS “got it” right off the bat. Comments like “Oh cool DOG – dog! That’s funny!” But adults almost never got it! “D.O.G.?? What does that mean in English?” Morons!
My current dog is named after a little Italian restaurant in Winthrop, MA my GF and I found while on vacation. It’s a real cozy fun place. The owner is from Morocco, and he named is place after his hometown there. When we got the dog, we were thinking of names and my GF said maybe something related to our New England trip? Something special about it? So I suggested it and she instantly fell in love with the name and I got major BF points on the spot! “Alia” is the dog’s name. She’s a Goldendoodle -Golden Retriever/ Standard Poodle (yeah, yeah, girly name for the breed, but she’s a COOL dog!) and the name fits her quite well.
Great postings here!
I had the greatest dog, loved to 16 years old and was healthy as a horse, save his hind-end. His name was Darby, he was an Alaskan Husky and an incredible friend. Oddly enough, his name could not have suited him better. We put him down just about a year ago.
By bro-in-law has always named his dogs after booze… Windsor, Kamis(a wine), and now Stella(Artois) after the beer…
Anyway. Thought I’d add my two cents.
Still trying to pick one out for out Golden Retriever that we haven’t purchased yet…this spring. Kids can’t grow up without a dog around…and my wife and I can’t go on without one around either.
; )
Words in other languages. My cat’s name is Laila which means night in Arabic and my dog’s name is Khusrow (medieval poet). It doesn’t work if you’re not ethnic though and it has to be something easy to pronounce.
We had a couple of collies, growing up. The male was Pellinor (as King, from the play “Camelot”) – Pelli, for short – and the female was Sheba (because one dog named after royalty wan’t enough)
I have a female husky called Misha
Our late, much beloved Choc Lab was named Lizzy. Named after a Jane Austin heroine or a character in the video game ‘Rampage’, depending on who you ask, me or my sons. Our current dog, a dachshund, is named Crash. He’s a rescue dog who survived a hit & run accident & was abandoned at the scene.
I’ve got a old prison dog named Max Power
I knew AOM was the place to come to while looking for dog names! Thinking of getting a golden very soon and was trying to think of a name. How about names after places? I was thinking “Tupper” after the Adirondack lake!
I’ve owned many irish setters over the years, and always named them after trees, as in willow, teak, cedar, holly, and maple. no offensive, and I always can say that they are all smarter than what they were named after.
I had a female pitbull i found in a dumpster. She was jet black so i first called her JET. I changed it a few days later to Jetta (so she could feel lady like). Best dog I have ever owned. Name suits her well since shes a runner.
Odin
We have two Cocker Spaniels in my family. A four year old called Echo after the nymph, and her daughter (my dog) called Tarka after the otter. Two of the best dogs ever!
I have a lab/pit bull mix that has a shimmering almost-all-black coat except for a couple of white, star-shaped marks on her chest, so I named her Astra. I agree that names from other languages or from myths, like Argos or Maera (both dogs from Greek myths), work when they are 1- or 2-syllables and not hard to pronounce.
I’ve decided on Reagan for a dog’s name. Pretty helpful article, don’t have a new dog, but if I ever get one, I know what it’s name will be… Lol
← Previous Comments