How Do You Know When She’s the One?

by Brett & Kate McKay on May 8, 2008 · 163 comments

in Dating, Marriage, Relationships & Family

When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?

When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.

They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.

The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:

1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.

2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.

3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.

4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.

5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.

At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.

{ 159 comments… read them below or add one }

101 Daniel February 23, 2010 at 8:52 pm

I want the long-term, deep bond with that “special someone” but the idea of marriage is what I find difficult, and not for the reasons you’d think. I’m only talking about the institution/instrument of marriage here. I’m a very happy atheist, and to me, marriage is an artifact of religiocentric societies which is not relevant to non-religious people like me. Since churches have lost their quasi-government power over the centuries, marriage has somehow migrated into civil/secular life, and is now an instrument of the state. Marriage used to be required for people to be able to become couples, have sex, and have kids. What is it good for now? What does it give someone over and above what they would have in a non-married, permanent relationship? Tax advantages might be one thing, but managing one’s affairs properly through other means is better. I can’t figure out anything else.

Seriously, why would anyone want the state’s permission to have a long-term relationship? I think women tend to get caught-up in their girlhood dreams of having a fairy-tale wedding with a knight in shining armour, etc., and that’s perfectly fine (dreams are wonderful and far be it from me to trod on anyone’s!), but why do I need to sign a piece of paper that does nothing other than making a dissolution of the relationship difficult and expensive? It does nothing for either person in the relationship that I can see. I can have a non-marriage wedding ceremony (fairy-tale, of course!), I can still call my life partner my wife, we can still have kids, and we can do everything else married couples do, without the interventionist involvement of the state. I am equally bound to my future wife by my word, given at our ceremony. Why does the state need to poke its big nose into our affairs?

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I just hate the idea of having to have government permission for a relationship, which the government has no business regulating, especially when this regulatory philosophy persists from a religious context that does not involve me.

I’d love to hear any opinions about this.

102 fadqur man in doubt March 4, 2010 at 11:05 pm

Hi all,
I’m really in uneasy condition now,psychologically. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year. Rationally, I know she’s the best and perfect person I’ve ever met, she loves me a lot n supportive,fun beautiful,smart,has a good job, but honestly i don’t really loves her. i don’t have the deep love feeling to her. what should i do to make sure that I love her as much as she does?

103 BearMan March 9, 2010 at 12:05 am

Marriage is only about money. You’ll know when you’ve found the ‘right woman” when she doesn’t ask for half your stuff under a preconceived notion that your current relationship isn’t good enough.

If a woman isn’t smart enough to realize I am not that dumb then we aren’t going to work out.

104 nick March 20, 2010 at 4:12 am

(im only doing this again because i didnt check the typos)
oogie pringle i have sort of the same thing as you……………….im 14 now and it seems stupid to read this but i want really focusing on the marriage part but to know if shes the one i like………………i mean i truley LIKE. iv been friends with her since 13, 1 year ago and shes in all of my classes,we eat lunch together with my other friends,and we get along just fine……………huh this article just makes me feel sooo much better in the inside now…………im glad i read this ( even im only 14 years old =]).

105 unanimous4958 March 21, 2010 at 5:14 am


I say try at least two flavours, then you will realize if you are one of three people:
1. You like vanilla more than chocolate.
2. You like chocolate more than vanilla.
3. You like chocolate and vanilla at the same time. ;)

Ofcourse there is always the risk that if you liked vanilla, and tried chocolate, somebody else might have eaten the rest of the vanilla… but then again, if your the type of person to have tried chocolate when you had what you liked (vanilla) then eventually you would have tried chocolate anyways. Curiousity usually gets the best of people… who wants to go their entire lives never knowing what chocolate tastes like? Personally, I’d eat dirt if it was the only way to know that vanilla tasted better. In the end knowing what tastes better, means more than actually having it, because you need to know its the best to really appreciate it. Goodluck.

106 Chief April 5, 2010 at 8:22 am

Hi all love the page.

I have a problem. Im 24 and my current partner is 20. We have been together for four years with out a problem (serious problem). There was a time 6 months ago that i was thinking of asking her to marry me but another person has come in between us. Im not for cheating, and want to work things out – if thats the right thing to do. Who is to say this other girl is not “the one” for me. In the four years we have been together i have not so much as looked at another girl like i do for her let alone have feelings for someone else. Both girls are fantastic and tick all the boxes but the new girl on the seen makes my heart race and has something special about her that i just cant put my finger on, but it drives me crazy. I love and adore the girl im with and as i said even thought she was “the one” (she might be). Feelings are feelings and have always thought they shouldn’t be suppressed so how do i live with one and hide the fact that she could/should have been where my heart lay. How can any person be 100% sure? To me the “one” sounds more like someone who you will be happy with, and work through anything with….. whats to say i couldn’t do that with another?

107 17 year old guy April 6, 2010 at 7:44 am

Hey everybody, I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, since September 21st 2009 and I think I’m in love. I’ve even thought about marrying my current gf. Thought about the way we both don’t like to spend everything we’ve got and we just have so much in common. We see politics the same way, along with religous views, we both go to church regularly at the same church. She likes football and I mean she really likes it. She even likes video games, I have a hard time figuring out why she likes video games like me when she tbh isn’t that good at them yet I know for a fact she plays them even if I can’t play with her. She even bought a $300 PS3 because she liked mine and yes I returned the favor :)
But basically I have more in common with her than any girl I’ve ever known including relatives. She loves my family and I love hers, they get along great, she feels like she’s become almost a part of us. Whenever we have a superbowl party, she’s there. But this isn’t as big as you think because half the people in my town call my mom theirs.
Most importantly, she loves me for who I am, she doesn’t have the mindset of “I can MAKE this guy the one I want” and she’s tol me that. No other girl has tol me that and I don’t want her to change a thing about herself either. The best of all, I can be my complete self around her, more than I can be around my guy friends! And I love it. I’ve never been able to do that with a girl and I’ve had 7 gfs so far. I also have this understood trust deep down that she’ll never hurt me. She won’t cheat or flirt. She, me, and my friends can all be at something entertaining and I almost feel like she’s one of them except umm, when she’s PMSing. She does every month as usual and we’ve had 2 bad days over the past 6 months. Both were when she was PMSing. One day she was just mad at everything, just mad at the world and she even went to bed mad and that hurt, it hurt me to see that and to know I didn’t make it better. Then a few nights ago, she messaged mr and said “I need you.” and I was luckily just about to leave my friends when that happened. I stopped by her house and she was crying. She was very questionable. Just asking things like “why do you love me?” callin herself a failure and saying I deserved better. I told her I didn’t care what I deserved, all I wanted was her. She told me that there were so many girls better looking than her and funnier and etc. An hour later we were laughing and everything was alright. Idk what this means but Im happy it’s over. We are both in highschool although we aren’t in the same school. I don’t feel like I have to evolve my world around her because she demands it. If i did everything based on her feelings, it would be because I would want to. It makes me happy to make her happy. One day in early March, I gave her a rose for just being herself, that’s all I want. <3 Her happiness makes me happy.
I am a virgin and I'll stay one until marriage I hope so this isn't a sex based relationship.

108 Joseph April 14, 2010 at 5:42 am

If we are after a long term relationship, I suppose one of the best questions we could ask ourselves is “could this woman be the mother of my children?”.
Ask yourself this question and see how you feel. Then, ask again after 6 months or a year.

109 prufock April 14, 2010 at 8:10 am


Why would you settle for less than your favourite flavour?

110 Chris April 21, 2010 at 8:56 pm

I fit into everyone of these categories. I truly feel this girl is the one. My question comes from the last one: The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. I am not afraid of marrying her so much. I know she is the one I want to marry. What I am afraid of is my ability to provide for her. I am not in a good financial situation. That is the only thing I am afraid of. Any thoughts?

111 dan April 28, 2010 at 12:48 am

to chris
Good for you

if u know she is the one

u do the best u can to provide her
and dont forget to pray to GOD


112 Faith June 7, 2010 at 3:11 pm

I’ve been dating a man whom I consider to be my best friend for about two years. We’re both still in college ( ages 22-23), and before he left this summer for an out-of-state internship, I told him that he was my “one”. I didn’t believe in that mushy romantic stuff before this relationship, but now I think the corniest thing: I wish that I would’ve known him in high school; I just want as much time with him as possible.

Anyway, he also considers me his best friend and a “catch” and he cried when we parted ways for the summer (I mean, like hyperventilated; and this is a rather guy’s guy); but he says that he isn’t sure that I am “the one” for him. I’m wondering if I made myself too vulnerable when I told him “the one” comment, I don’t want him to think that he now has the power to completely break my heart, but he does; all of his letters tell me how much he loves me and how compatible we are and blah blah, but it’s like he’s trying to skirt around the issue.

I don’t want to feel so insecure about telling him that he is the one for me, and I don’t want him to be pressured into something which he doesn’t feel yet, if he ever will at all.

I guess this is a pointless rant and I do not ever wish to make our relationship into an ultimatum, but how do I get over feeling bad that I am so head over heels he’s-the-one-for-me, and he doesn’t reciprocate? How do I get my lovey-dovey feelings under control (I’ve never been this smitten in a relationship) so that if nothing super serious develops I’m not completely crushed and lose my desire to love someone else?
I would really appreciate if someone could answer this. I apologize that it is rather wordy and may not make too much sense.

113 Rudy June 9, 2010 at 10:14 am

My current girlfriend fails in all 5 points. You would probably think why Im I with her? Because she is sooo freakin HOT! Although I dont think I can take it much longer, it just gets reeeeeeaally boring, except those 10 of bum bum.

At the end of the day, I believe every relationship takes its natural course. Try to enjoy what you have now and dont be a pussy when you know its over and move on. Try to learn something from every experiance, and also give something to each partner.

114 Michael V June 19, 2010 at 4:55 am

Well I have an interesting situation because my supposed girlfriend who is supposed to be faithful and loving, promised me ONE thing. To not talk to a guy she ditched me for to go on a date with. Now, she texts him, plays video games with him and who knows whatelse. She’s said 6 times before Ill delete him off my phone, stop talking to him online and stop playing video games with him. Now the 6 th time came along and she kept readding him and playing with him. Is this a relationship I should ditch or should I stay with her. We’re both convinced were soulmates, but I ask her to do ONE thing for me and she promised she would stop, but she hasn’t. She obviously keeps choosing him over me. Should I leave or stay?

115 Mike June 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

THIS IS ME EXACTLY!!! how do you overcome this??? whats the solution for this>???

Robert January 11, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Here’s my problem. I’ve never met a better girl than my girlfriend, and I’m 99% sure that I could never find anyone who would love me as much as she does, or support me, or put up with all my stupid little ways and insecurities like she does. Why then, do I always seem to have one bloody foot out the door? Why is it that every time a girl smiles at me in the street do I get a feeling in my gut like she’s the one to make all my dreams come true? Why is it that every time I fantasize about a relationship with one of those other girls it’s always so great, and challenging, and there are never any problems? Does this mean that my girlfriend isn’t the one for me – or is it all just down to my own stupid self-doubt and insecurities? I mean, how do you see the truth, and commit to it 100% without ever looking back. i mean it’s not like there would ever be any problems with any of the other girls I find myself thinking about, and I doubt any one of them would love me and put up with me as much as my girlfriend does. WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP!?

116 Lula July 1, 2010 at 2:16 pm

One thing is for certain, Rob and Mike:
You will always have problems with a girl, no matter who you marry.
That’s just part of being human.
We are prone to conflict.
The question is, are you willing to HANDLE those problems for the rest of your life with your gf, or is she not worth it to you?
That’s where love comes into play. If you’re really in love with your gf, you’ll realize that you would gladly put up with the fights, as long as it all works out in the end.
You’re going to have to be honest with yourself here.
Best of luck to you both.

117 Jerry July 8, 2010 at 2:06 am

@Robert and @Mike – I think there are a LOT of guys like us out there…. Recent studies show that interaction with a new woman, any new woman, increases male testosterone levels… giving us adrenaline and an euphoric rush of a new encounter. It’s a mental and physical boost. Even just walking down the street and seeing a nice body of a woman can make that happen. What is ironic, though, is that YOUR wife or girlfriend is unwittingly giving that SAME boost to some other bloke in the same boat as you. We’re all just a bunch of silly animals. The secret, I think, is to tap into that euphoric feeling and bring your renewed energy home to your girlfriend/wife. Otherwise the method of keeping one foot in/one foot out will ultimately wear and tear the relationship.

118 John July 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm

I am thinking about, getting all hitched up i am 26 and my girlfriend is 32. i want to be with her really… well for-ever, but she wants to have kids now! like last year now, and i want to wait till i have a little money, nice-ish place to live.
Can anyone with experience offer there perspective. ?

119 AL August 2, 2010 at 11:47 am

im quite sure about this girl.i know i cant live without her.
but she is not sure of me.she keeps pushing away when i tried to push the relationship to the next level or even when discussing it.
is she’s the one?any advise from the wise?

120 AL August 2, 2010 at 9:57 pm

naaaahhhh.i dont think she is the one

121 Avery August 8, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Whats up yall!! Well im 20 years old and i have a bright future ahead of me playing baseball. Im from Baton Rouge and move to Shreveport louisiana, to start over and get on track for school.I played around with my life for 20 years n was wasting real good talent. So thats whn i move to get away from all the trouble, the parting, the drugs, and all the late night with different girls.Ifelt like it was time for a change because i wanna make my mommy proud and be somebody.

122 avery August 8, 2010 at 4:12 pm


So i told myself i want let nothing stop me from doing good.and since i had alot of girls in my life ,and what i wanna become in life, i dont have time jumping from girl to girl. plus im ready for a family.i wanna have something that my grandparents i promise and prayed that imma let “the one come to me”. when i got up there i was in the weight room working out..and these girls wlk in there..i couldnt stop looking at her. even when i left i couldnt stop thinkking bout her. and since i felt like she was the one i didnt tlk to her yet cuz i wanted to see how she was a freak r something. because if she was i dont want her… but she turn every dude down who try to holla..she even turn me down even though she wanted me..n tht never happen before where a girl turn me down..but ever time we do c each other..she smile and look at me the whole time until we past each other..when i come around her i get weak..if someone say her name i get week..i like her so much i dont wanna mess with noone else..thts ha serious i am..n when i did finially tlk to her ..she so sweet i always told myself whn i play pro ball i want a girl thts a teacher and wanna be a great momma..n whn she told me tht i felt like she was the one..cuz i never met a girl who wanna do wht was in my thought..i never ran into a girl like tht…n i still feel tht way about her .if u was watching everything u would think its a….WHT SHOULD I DO ANYONE?

123 jky August 16, 2010 at 12:32 am

My man is on the internet seems like all the time. I recently found a picture of a naked young lady, grant you he;s 64 years old I;m 56, this young lady is from the Phillipines , I;m not married to this man but been with him for 5 years,now I feel like I;ve been lied and cheted on; He also made plans to go see this young lady,she is about 20 years old. I love this man dearly, it’s not the first time he’s been on the internet looking for young women. will he continue to lookfor young women on the internet.. love him or leave him.

124 Custodiet October 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm

To fadqur man in doubt: I understand how you feel. I felt the same way at an earlier point in my relationship, also. I spoke to my grandmother about it, and she set my mind at ease with this: It’s not the whirlwind feelings that you look for when you’re considering being with/marrying someone. Whirlwind feelings will wear down after a long while, so you shouldn’t base the legitimacy of your relationship off of those. It’s the feeling of contentment that you find when you’re with a woman that determines whether or not she’s the one. Sit back, and try your hardest to picture your life without her. If you can’t, then she’s the one. After she said that to me, I did so, and I can happily say that I plan on popping the question this coming May on the day after we both graduate from college. She is indeed the one for me. I hope that you can say the same. God bless.

125 Anonymous male October 4, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Well here’s my dilemma I really like 2 out of 3 girls…..ok one not so much so ther is 2 contenders one really funny sexy good in bed likes what I like and in general anyone I can tell anything to she’s older matur which I like I’m 23!shes 27! U could say she’s my best friend tell her anything and no she won’t judge me….then there’s a sexy red hot girl she’s a laugh weve spent little time together and maybe I could tell her anything too the 1st one gets on with my family the 2nd never Met them do I go with my head…number 1….or my heart…number2!! I no its all backward cos I feel more for number 2 than number 1 and number 1 feels more for me than number 2!!!!!

126 Stephanie October 27, 2012 at 11:23 am

I’m not sure I agree with the one that you won’t ever be scared at all to marry. I’ve been married for four months and I love my husband and I KNOW I’ve married the right one, but in the months before the wedding I did have a few times where I would go, “Yikes, I’m getting MARRIED…this is for, like, forever! What if he’s not the right one?!?” Taking marriage seriously makes it a little bit scary, even if you know that you know you “can’t live without” the person you’re with.

127 Wess Stewart October 30, 2012 at 2:17 pm

This one is for Stephanie.

Here’s the deal. There’s no point being scared of ‘forever’.


Because we aren’t guaranteed any fixed amount of time.

But if you want to be with them now, and can’t imagine a time when you won’t want to be with them, then it’s probably a good thing.

When we start thinking about semi-infinite time, our brain goes full-derp.

So don’t. :)

128 johnny November 9, 2012 at 1:44 am

really enjoyed reading all your thoughts, thanks for sharing.

129 Robin December 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

I am a 20 year old guy and am dating two girls, I want to get serious with one who one day might become my wife. The only problem i have is that I do not know of them is the right one for me. They are both the same in many things they do. One of them is 20 years old I have been dating for three years and the other is 16 who I have been dating for almost a year now. I love them both the same seriously but I am sexually more attracted to the 16 year old and the 16 year old is a lil bit childish when it comes to some things, with the 20 year old I sometimes feel as if sh is more mature then me when it comes to things like my hanging out with my friends but rather then that they both match what I’d like my future wife to be like who do i choose please give me some advise. Or is it me looking at things from the wrong angle?

130 george December 19, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Robin, you are still young, my advice to you is take it easy by now, your natural evolution will lead you to your next step. My best wishes for you. Attn George.

131 Cerise January 6, 2013 at 9:38 pm

I see one message saying that marriage is only about signing a contract with the government. Well, I think that it’s like saying that going to school is only about the grades, or going to work is only about the money. Different people will view these things differently, but in my opinion it’s not going to be JUST about one thing – like, what you can also earn by going to school is education, and social life/networking. This doesn’t mean you can’t earn education and social life if you don’t go to school though, you can be home schooled. In my opinion this is similar to marriage; getting married in my opinion does not necessarily mean only getting a permission, it can also be seen as a celebration, a building of memory with rings, family…basically a gesture of love (I’m only 22 so I can’t say much about marriage, so feel free to chip in your opinion on this). However, not getting married doesn’t mean you can’t get all the above. It’s the matter of choice. If neither of you want to get married and go through all that ring stuff, then don’t! Go climb a mountain or go skydiving to have your very own celebration if you wish, you don’t really need a legal document or anything to ‘proof your love’, because that logic, in my opinion, is flawed in the first place! So, what I would say is just do it for the relationship, and only for the two of you.

132 Unsure February 7, 2013 at 9:40 pm

I’ve read the article and its great guideline, a great start into realising if you have a good catch! What I found more interesting are the comments, the posts from people. I’ve learned more here about myself and now I’m more sure about what I want and need in a relationship, than any self help books I’ve read so far. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years just recently, whom I actually love and care deeply for. He was adamant on living together first and then getting married. This is how he sees the natural progression of relationships in the modern world. He also feels more strongly about the commitment of living together than what he calls the piece of paper. I, on the other hand want to be married first before I live with anyone. I have lived with previous bf in the past and it didn’t work. Having said that, it’s not the reason why I wouldn’t do it again. I am 35, and I feel that I want and need more security in my relationship. I know that marriage is not a full proof security system either I am aware of that, but to me it means more. It’s the promise that we make to each other in front of family and friends that we will love and be there for each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health till death do us part. That means a lot to me. Nothing lasts forever, I know this. But it’s the notion of knowing that I am special and worthy enough to be his wife. It’s the symbolic nature of wedding and marriage that I long for. And if one day, it stops I hope that the vow and promise we made will help pull us through. Maybe it is a fairy tale since I have read some posts about bitter divorces and unrequited loves, but I have also read that what I want is possible through others who have managed to stay together and have a happy marriage and after years still very much in love. I guess since I’ve started researching on this interesting topic, that no matter what everyone says, the one is the person YOU make ‘the one’. It’s about the commitment and sacrifices you are willing to make for ‘the one’ and how far you will go for ‘the one’ and you know you the ‘the one’ and you have the same goals and ideals in life. Because loving someone is easy, making them ‘The One’ is easy, it’s staying together and keeping the relationship alive that is the challenging part.

133 CharlesBennett February 26, 2013 at 10:10 am

I’ve dated a LOT of women trying to find the right one. I married late in life (33) and had 13 years of a rocky marriage. What I learned was that both people have to have the same view of marriage and common goals about their future. If you’re not both driving down the same road, somebody is going to take an offramp. Now that I’m divorced, I started dating again and have gone through a lot of short relationships. I’m pickier now. I’m not interested in just find “a wife”. I’m interested in finding someone that excites me, captures my every thought, that has a lot in common with me and has very similar goals. It’s taken some time, but recently I met someone that on the very first date I thought. “I want to marry her”. My advice to younger guys – don’t settle, don’t ignore red flags, get out of a bad relationship sooner than later and keep looking. It’s been said too often “you’ll know”, but it’s true. When you know, you know…

134 Feeling Low March 18, 2013 at 3:26 pm

Hey All,

Just last week, I went through a break up from a relationship of 2 1/2 years. Our relationship had met every one of these criteria, however we had times in our relationship where she had thoughts in her head that we weren’t meant to be together. It was only twice before and when we had worked through them, we had come out on top even stronger than ever before.

We had gone to see an old friend of hers whose band was playing at a bar that friday. This same guy, she had met a year before we met, and was interested in him but never pursued because he had a girlfriend, even though he was interested in my now ex-girlfriend.

Out of nowhere, I wake up Sunday morning and there is an e-mail from her explaining that she still loves me…but it will not work out between us. She claims that I did nothing wrong, but rather it’s a feeling that she is having in her mind that “can not be defined” (her exact quote). I later come to find out that she is now hanging out with and is feeling re-interested in this guy from the past… Needless to say, last week was a rough one for me. My questions for this discussion board are:

1) Was she blowing smoke up my ass for the whole relationship and I was just too far gone in love to recognize it?

2) Do I hold out hope that one day she may come back around realizing that she made a mistake? If so, what do I do?

3) How do I cope with losing out to a guy that hasn’t been around for years, but resurfaces for a few hours and walks off with the love of my life?

Any courteously-stated feedback would be much appreciated.

135 Hope March 28, 2013 at 6:45 pm

Hey there Feeling Low.
I will try answer your questions looking at it from your ex girlfriend’s point of view, since I am a girl and experienced a similar situation to her.
I think she stayed in the relationship because she was confused and felt guilty. She was confused as to why she didn’t believe you were meant to be together even though she knew how much you loved her. She felt guilty that someone could love her this much but she could not bring herself to be 100% solid about this relationship. So, she decided to stay so she could try to figure out why she keeps feeling this way and somehow change those feelings or wait it out until they subsided. She stayed so she could give you what you deserved from her: mutual love.
I hate to be so blunt here but please do not hold on to hope that one day she’ll come back, Feeling Low. If she felt that you were not meant to be during the relationship, time will only validate that more for her. Time will validate that for you too, trust me, once you are over the heart break. You will realise that you may have loved her more than anything in the world, but she was not “the one”. In my opinion (emphasis on OPINION) love alone does not determine who “the one” is for us.
Us as humans, we have no control over who we fall for. Whether it’s someone we met a long time ago or someone we saw just now. You should not feel in any way threatened by this other guy. It is just simply a fact of your ex feeling something for him that she may have not felt for you. It is something that is not in her hands. It is human nature.
You will soon realize that this was all a blessing in disguise for you when you have that eye-opening moment down the line that this girl was not “the one”. Do you know how I know this? because true love and true partnership is when the love is 100% reciprocated and neither party feels confused nor hesitant about their love for the other.

All the best to you. God Bless.

136 Adam April 8, 2013 at 3:35 am

Hi there. I’ll try and cut a very long story short. I have just ended (I think!) a 9 month relationship that was very much on and off…but usual story, now that it could potentially be off for good I am starting to worry that if I hadn’t been such a tool things should have always been ‘on’. This girl was pretty special in almost everyway. Strong, sexy, funny, cool, got on extremely well with my mates and though the sun shone out on my ar*e just to top it off! We had a very rollercoaster ride type relationship and I must admit Ive never felt as low in my life as I did at certain parts. But looking back now, I kinda think if we had taken a step back and not freaked out things mightve been different. I find I am always full of regrets after meaningful relationships end and this is no different. We had so many little quirks etc etc that I’d be very surprised that I have with anyone else. I dont know if I just need to man up and stop looking at the other girls about and just concentrate on her, or am I just flogging a dead horse and that things wont ever change.
Any light on the matter would be great cos it’s seriously messing with my head pretty much every hour of the day. Thanks

137 April April 10, 2013 at 6:03 am

Hey Adam,
I think you have to really take some serious time out to decide whether this relationship is actually worth it for you or not. Reading your message, I can’t help but feel you guys are a little immature. Please don’t take offense, I’m just stating my opinion.
I think you have to think what exactly is going on that makes you two fight and argue. If you (and her) are willing to really work on your issues and fix them properly then by all means give it another try. But remember this is A LOT easier said than done. If you do get together again and the cycle repeats itself once again, then to be frank I think you need to let it go, for good. A real, authentic and healthy relationship does not involve such heart ache and pain. Yes every relationship has its ups and downs but the good always should outweigh the bad. otherwise you are just doing yourself a disservice by staying.

Think long and hard and don’t act on impulse. Ask her to do the same and then when some time passes meet up and discuss your point of views about the whole thing. See if you both feel you can work things out and try again. A relationship requires equal effort so you both have to put in 100% to work on your relationship.

All the best :)

138 Sojeey April 19, 2013 at 4:51 pm

I am 25 year old and in love with a 21 year old girl. We love each other deeply but the problem is that we are too far from each other location wise. I am a graduate while she’s still in school. There are still a lot of things I would like us to share together so as to know each other the more but the distance wouldn’t give us a chance (there are somethings you can’t discuss effectively through phone call you know). So I am feeling a sense of insecurity about our relationship, somethings thinking about going for someone else that I can see all the time, but the love I have for her has not allowed me to go through the thought. Please advise me, how can I make this relationship work because I feel she’s the one for me.

139 This To Shall Pass. April 24, 2013 at 11:39 pm

WOW, this article and many of the responses (particularly the ones written by CharlesBennett and Hope) were so encouraging. I’m going through a break-up of 2.75 years and was even engaged to this person. In general, she is/was a very very special person to me. Although 85% of the relationship was met with disagreements, and the bumping of heads, we still managed to survive.

With me being a very busy person, she brought a lot of support to my life. She was very insecure with me having female friends, and I felt “pushed” to do things like introduce my family and fiends instead of letting it happen “naturally”. Furthermore, I felt I was under constant emotional stress/anxiety trying to “prove” myself not to be that guy that would hurt her. Very early on, she deemed us to be in a serious relationship and ever since that point, I felt I was living life according to security checklist. As soon as I completed one thing off the list, I felt there was another waiting to be taken care of to reinforce/assure her (i.e. introduce family, get engaged, get married, having baby). It got to the point where I felt I had like control and was just living to try to make her happy – which often times felt futile. Having been divorced myself, I felt there were things I wanted to focus on to ensure a divorce would never happen again (i..e working together as a team, going to counselling, talking things through maturely, working on long-term life plan sooner rather than later, etc). Now, I wasn’t trying to force these things, but after feeling forced myself, I felt I better know what/who I was getting long-term.

Throughout the relationship, we experienced many episodes of breaking up and getting back together; however, each time it happened I thought it was making us stronger and for that reason didn’t truly give up. There were many times when i just wanted space/time to regroup, but this made her more anxious. Needless to say, I started to feel lost, and confused. How can something I’ve come to love be so difficult? Mind you, I never really knew what true/unconditional love was prior to this particular relationship. Prior relationships were based on vain thing (i.e. looks, entertainment, the desire to have her, etc.).

But coming into this relationship I told myself I wanted to know what true love was…

To make a long strong short, I think my experience with this person (whom i will ALWAYS love despite our many issues and potential for never working out – although I can’t I’ve lost hope), taught me the very thing I wanted to learn the most…How to Love. Love is more than just that “feeling” you get when things are “working” as planned or desired. Contrary to that “true love” is often felt the most when you get hurt… because in that hurt you realize how much you care for the person and desire for it to work out. Truly, if the person meant nothing to you, then it would be very easy to move on. True love, according to the Word of God, is “patient, and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres ( 1 Corth 13: 4-8).

It’s good to not that loving someone isn’t always easy. And just because you “love” them doesn’t mean you’re “in love” with them or that they are “the one”.

Often times, relationships are used to teach us things. It is often a process of refining us to become the men and women we need to be for some higher purpose, and/or to prepare us for that one true relationship that will last as long God provides life.

So with that, I’ve learned that it s very important to be able to look past those things that wont withstand the test of time (i.e. looks) and truly focus on what would make this person a great match for you. Me personally, I look for the ability of my partner to communicate, loyalty, honestly, respect, support, a spiritual foundation, TEAMWORK, humor, etc.

Many of these things I found in the person mentioned above, but still it doesn’t mean she was the one. To this day, I try to maintain hope that one day she “becomes” the one, but I know it’s all in God’s hand. I know everything we went through was for a reason.

I just long for the day when I know…as someone mentioned…you’ll just know. :)

Until then, my plan is to finally focus on me (outside of a relationship). Having learned a lot about myself (what i was doing wrong, and how I contributed to the mess) I’m hoping to prepare myself for that moment (with whomever – even if it’s with the person aforementioned – one day in the future).

Final words: ANY relationship is though…there is no such thing as a perfect one. Often times we men think that a “hot” girl means happiness, but it’s been proven many times (just look at Hollywood) that that’s not the case. Also, dating a “hot” girl can bring insecurities and anxieties you never though you could have.

Remember love is blind, and in many cases deaf. True love withstands the test of time, BUT both must be in love and wiling to make it work!

140 Debbiedoo May 11, 2013 at 6:56 am

I appreciate every post I’ve read so far. My problem is that I have fallen for my “friend with beneifts”. 7 years now and things have progressed in both our lives. We’re both stable but I found myself spending an awful lot of time in his new home. And the puppy and I have bonded these last 5 months. Problem is when we were being intimate I made a mistake and out of my mouth came “I love you,” I didn’t mean to say it, HOMESTLY! It just came out! We both handled the moment but I felt we were both shocked. I asked him not to freak out about it and that my feelings for him were always there so don’t pretend he didn’t know. The next day we didn’t talk about it, but he won’t look at me. He looks away…what’s up with that? Please answer…fast!

141 Sofia May 22, 2013 at 5:35 pm

I met my “the one” seven and a half weeks ago. We were bf/gf within a month. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is funny, so good looking, the best kisser ever! We get along great and we can talk about anything, but we don’t have to right now, because we both know we’re going to be together for a long time <3 :) x

142 Steve June 2, 2013 at 7:15 pm

A lot of great comments on here. I’d like to specifically address the people that say they are against marriage because current divorce laws are against men, or that they don’t see the need for government intrusion into their committed relationship, and so they’d rather just live together. It’s necessary to point out that in Canada, and I think most (if not all) states, you are considered to be living common law after a year of living together. This is the same as being married in the governments eyes, and means the divorce laws still apply to you the same as they would if you went to the altar and said “I do”.

143 Adrian June 3, 2013 at 8:28 am

Hello everyone,

You are probably going to pick up a vibe here that I am new to reading this stuff. I don’t really understand emotions that are felt by people older then me all too well as I am only 21, but in saying that I never thought I would be here. I am not the most attractive guy, I’m fit and athletic, but not big (which many girls want apparently). I am in my second relationship which is just over 2 years (My first going for 1 and a bit).

In my earlier relationship I was just a young kid out of VCE who had smashed his results and was happy to hit up the town. I did things which I am proud of and things I would rather not remember. Here is where I met my first girlfriend. Turns out now that I think about it she was just a sleeping partner. Someone for intimacy and lust. It was one of those “eye opening” moments where I understood emotions.

In my first year at uni I met this girl who really took my breath away. I was lying to my then girlfriend so I could hang out with this girl. She was amazing we could talk about so much, I already felt like she was my best friend. We didn’t do anything because she was playing around with guys and being single and I was in a relationship. Inside I was always wanting to hang with her. We got closer and then it happened, I broke up with my girlfriend.

Initially I was happy to be single. I was keen to party and have a good time and I didn’t really take anything into consideration about this girl except we were friends. We then went out together and hooked up, came back to my place and had sex. We were very drunk and part of me regretted the act. I was told that no relationship came from a drunk first kiss, but I held strong and slowly my feelings grew. I spoke to her friends about it and lay low before gathering the courage to talk to her about it. We spoke at length about how she was not prepared for a relationship and I was still getting over my last girl.

I couldn’t see anyone, but her though. I spoke to my family and friends about what I was feeling and my folks came up with some very funny stuff. My dad said “She isn’t the most attractive girl there are far more attractive girls out there” my mum agreed, this is where it hit home for me though. I didn’t see her as raw beauty, I still don’t. yes she is beautiful, but it was her passion for life and her attitude that had me.

I kept by her for a few weeks and we chilled and chatted. One day I found myself in the city with her sharing the most romantic kiss. It was here that I realised she was something special. It moved pretty fast. We were getting intimate and doing all those young people kinda things. Before I knew it we were sleeping over at each others places. It was a few months into our relationship where she had a family issue and stayed at my place for several days. It was here that she said she loved me for the first time. I didn’t want to show to her how much that meant to me. I hadn’t ever had words affect me like “I love you” did that night.

Time went on in our relationship and we hit bumps in the road that seem to be the case with most people. We moved through them though and each time I felt that it was my fault for pushing boundaries. I felt that I didn’t learn though and it got worse and worse. Until one day we came close to ending the relationship. At that moment I came to realise that she should never be taken for granted. She is a powerful and independent woman with lots going for her. I made a few adjustments which every person should make. Be it not talking in a certain way to people or not doing certain activities with others which may cause tension. The biggest thing I have changed for her after too many bad incidents is drinking. I have made a pact with myself to stop drinking (Not only for her but also for my own fitness).

Anyway! (Sorry if I am boring some people)

We overcame these bumps and it was all fantastic. I felt stronger and although I felt the relationship was weak I was prepared and I think she was too. We moved forward and it got better. We moved into our fourth year of uni, Me working more and her taking heavier subject meant we couldn’t see each other as much. It affected both of us. I would make surprise visits to her house at random hours as well.

A few months ago, around our second year anniversary we hit another argument which finally made her crack and me break down. I feel that in both of us everything had boiled up and exploded (I am one to explode and then move on very fast, she isn’t). I overcame the anger and came to realise what I had done. I gave her space like she wanted and we avoided each other for a week. She told me she loved me and didn’t want to lose me and I told her that I didn’t want to lose her either, everyday I was understanding more about “true love” and just not “attraction and love”. I was feeling the conflict within me dying and pure feelings coming through.

After that week we started hanging out again and it was amazing. I found out, however, that she was now talking solidly with a gay and a straight guy who I thought were my friends as well as hers, were taking her side of a trouble she was feeling inside. I didn’t want to know more because it was her life and she can do what she wants. I caught glimpses of messages though that were about her dancing instructor and her attraction to “his muscles” and his “body” which fueled my want to be bigger and my competitiveness. I am not a controlling person (I don’t think) and I don’t mind who she talks to because I trust her 100%, but when I read about the dancer and that the gay just got out of a relationship and is emphasisiing how fun single life is I get irritated.

The stuff that is being written here is amazing, it is helping me understand so much better and also helping me to see who I am as a person. I read all the categories over and over and she ticks all the categories beautifully. I read all the comments and I feel that I am like some of you who feel that they are in that relationship, They say that there are a lot of fish in the see, I say that I don’t want an ordinary fish. She isn’t an ordinary fish. I ask myself, how the heck did I end up here? One minute I was on Facebook the next I am writing this swoon. It’s because I don’t want to lose what I have. Nothing and no one is perfect, so we can only improve.

Part of me wants her to read this and understand how I feel and part of me doesn’t. I actually don’t know what to do. She doesn’t so much fit those categories above as she is those categories and more. She is my best friend who I love. I could see us spending so much more time together and we get along wonderfully with each others friends and family. I just feel that she is being influenced in some negative manner.

Thanks to those who took the time to read this.
Means a lot to me.

144 Mrs. Robinson July 15, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Daniel is not entirely wrong. Marriage IS muchly about money — and there are times when this is a very good thing.

If you just plan to live together in a rented house and pursue your independent careers for all time and eternity, there’s no real reason to get married. But if you plan to own any kind of substantial property together, start a business together, or (especially) commit parenthood together, then marriage confers a whole raft of legal, economic, and social supports that can are tailor-made to enable your shared enterprise to flourish. You’ll make it easier on yourselves and everybody else if you go do the deed.

As for Debbiedoo and those other women who are tolerating bad behavior or wondering if they’re overstaying their welcome: Seriously, ladies, pick up a copy of “The Rules” and read it through, twice. If you aren’t being treated the way you deserve to be by a man, the right response is *always* to take two big steps back from the relationship. A man who is taking you for granted may need to find out what it’s like to miss you for a while. One who is shopping for other women online, or on the street, should be left alone to pursue that interest unfettered — you DO have better things to do with your life than put up with that crap, don’t you? Just like our grandmas always said: A man won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself first.

Backing off for a couple of weeks gives him space to realize that either a) he’s made a horrible mistake in dissing you — or else b) that he’s really enjoying his peace and freedom without you. Either way, you’ve clarified the situation in a way that breaks up the uncertainty and allows you both to move forward more constructively.

A lot of us avoid doing this because we’re terrified that the answer will be B. That’s not a good reason to stick around: it’s unfair and unworthy of both you and him to stick around where you’re not passionately, madly, deeply wanted. You deserve better.

145 Christian August 17, 2013 at 2:55 am

Sucks how, this exact person who I was thinking about when i read this. I threw out of my life with depression. Though I am young. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But that is the perspective I had on it. Love these readings.

146 Vincenzo August 29, 2013 at 3:11 pm

I loved the 14 year old’s comments…OH little buddy…and the chocolate and vanilla guy…too. I am single never married, an entrepreneurial type and to be honest, focused on stability and cash flow in an economy that sucks. Growing up with little to no cash on hand was a t times embarrassing and stupid to me. Now I understand so much of what my father went through. I think that everyone should find someone that is willing to grow with you, go with you and allow a man to be a man in that if your intentions are noble and you can listen with your eyes and hear with your ears…while you are on a mutually shared journey…then she is the one. There is a song that says ya never really know what you got till its gone…but when people go your mind plays tricks on you and you remember the good things and seldom the bad. I remember football camp, puking and sore and being exhausted and now it’s a positive memory I cherish…but I still get weak when I see the corn growing taller, because Aug 13th comes quick in a young mans life. I like the season a reason or a life time analogy…I also believe that as a man gets older he needs a woman more than a woman needs a man. So be careful in getting too comfortable as KING in a relationship. That being said if she starts out being a Queen, she’s only gonna want more than you can give later. Humility, Love, Hope and Faith should be shared…these I believe are like four legs of a table…fights are good…pending if they are for determining ones passion…if it’s fought to prove someone wrong or right…the relationship is over before it starts. There are two ways you can change…for the better or for the worse…family members are weak barometers of good or bad change…but if you are attracting others towards you…its probably obvious to everyone what you have is good. That being said, a woman is attracted to a man because you are a man…B one…and sometimes that means you need to choose direction. It is quite simple really yet I myself have never mastered the art. I find most men I know in marriages baseball less wonders if you catch my drift. With an attitude it’s cheaper to keep them…YIKES…I’m not sure no fighting is good, seems to me to be a lack of passion there, I think the 14 year old has the best love as it is true and blind…I wish it was obvious to me what to do…but it’s not…time is a wasting…good luck…we are truly on our own…God Please help us all…

147 Will Martin November 13, 2013 at 2:32 am

Adrian, I read your long post and you really seem like a good person in a difficult situation. I think you have to let the cards fall where they may. Make your feelings clear and then step back. Concentrate on working on yourself and also find some other outlets and interests. Good luck buddy.

148 lola November 18, 2013 at 12:37 pm

As a woman,

I lied to myself many times forcing men who weren’t good for me into a box, because I “loved them” and considered them “the one”. I waited for some movie magic moment to allow me to see and feel that YES, this IS the right man for me!

The truth is, I don’t think that’s realistic. I finally met a man, though, and I think this is going to be something very special. It’s not because of some moment where I just “knew”, but more over, a comprehensive understanding that I really, really want this man with me. Also, our deep friendship is what I cherish, and that’s what I know will stand the test of time above sex, butterflies, and the feelings of euphoria that can whirlwind us into relationships we know aren’t good for us.

It’s okay to not be ready, it’s okay to not want the person you’re currently dating, but it serves no purpose to maintain relationships with no future. You only end up in pain when you attempt to tie everything up neatly in a box and focus your life around that box.Trying to force pieces of a puzzle into place, when you’re clearly not using puzzle pieces from the same picture will create a warped view of what you really want.

That’s what I learned, personally. I’m happier and better off realizing that “the right one” and “soul mates” don’t exist, at least in my book. I believe that you could be very happy with different people, and maybe even in different ways.

What makes reality special is that, really, this is the only way it could have happened, because it did. After all the love drug chemicals fade, and sex becomes a little routine, you need to be open and honest with the person who is hopefully your best friend– in an attempt to rekindle romance. That’s natural, that’s healthy.

What matters in the end is your friendship and commitment to each other.

149 justaguy December 4, 2013 at 10:09 pm

wow, 3, 4 and 5 are all things that are making me reconsider my relationship of 2 years…and it took this article to make me see why I wasnt “feeling it”

3. I feel like my current gf doesnt handle stress well enough for me. I really wish she wouldnt get so emotional over everything, and I dont feel like I can joke with her because I never know if Im going to insult her and make her mad.

4. I dont really get this one as well, to me a best friend shares a lot of your interests besides just clicking with personality. I feel like my main interests..MMA, rpg and rts video games, power metal, science shows…are not very female prone, so Im not expecting this one to apply so much for me. I just have to settle with personality clicking Id guess.

5. The problems stated in 3 make me very unsure if I could marry her due to all the stresses that happen in a relationship.

But, she is a very nice and caring person who does at least watch MMA with me, and I really dont want to hurt her. I feel like I just dont know if its for actual feelings I have for her or avoiding the pain it would cause her that Im staying.

150 Ann Onamous January 4, 2014 at 5:42 pm

I am a single female in my early 30s reading this article who comes from parents who have been happily married for 46 years. Not that I don’t have lofty goals in life or high expectations, but I think that some of this list is a bit unrealistic.

1) “The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning.” The reality is that every relationship has some rocky points, but the couple is still a “happy couple” because they have healthy conflict resolution skills. I know this from volunteering with an organization that studies happily married couples.

2) “She gets along well with your family and friends.” – Yes, this is true, except when you don’t get along with your own family. There are lots of people who, sadly, don’t like their own family (not me – I adore my family), so this rule doesn’t apply to them. Also, don’t forget about your single friends who loathe the idea of losing your friendship once you get married. I don’t think you’d want to listen to them or any single female friends who have a secret crush on you.

3) “There is nothing major you want to change about her.” – This heading is a joke. Virtually everyone “changes” and grows – the hope is that the couple grows together. I would change the heading to “there are no major changes that really bother you about her that you would like to change.” these two statements are different. Flawless is perfection which doesn’t exist. I agree with the last sentence that, “If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.”

4) “She’s your best friend.” – I would also change this to say, “she is like a best friend.” Again, subtle but different. The way that this is written creates a very high standard to judge your girlfriend by. She could be a keeper if you merely want to spend most of your time with her, she makes a lot of activities more enjoyable for you, you could tell her just about anything.

5) “The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least.” – “doesn’t scare you IN THE LEAST” – come on. SOOOO many happy marriages but so many couples were scared at some point, it’s fairly common to have a case of wedding jitters. To say you won’t be scared at all when you’ve found the one is unrealistic for anyone who gets nervous just walking up to a hot chick to talk to her. Yes, excited anticipation is different than nervousness and jitters, but if you work out the jitters and can move to excited anticipation by the time you get close to saying, “I do,” then you are probably marrying the one and only.

Overall this article was disappointment to me though I have liked a lot of other articles on this blog. I think a better resource for a man to determine if he has found the one is, Heavenly Ever After, the Prepare Enrich program, Project Everlasting or Meeting Your Match.

151 Matthew January 12, 2014 at 5:37 pm


There’s still power of attorney, as well as a show of commitment in your life that translates often to easier dealings with banks in regard to credit and loans, etc. It’s the practicality of a civil union, with a bit of romance to it.
So I suppose the argument then is why do you need an outdated mode of commitment for romance?

152 Carl January 25, 2014 at 9:51 am

Nice list, I want to asked about number 3. How major is major change? I wanted to know because of my older sister. She’s is an awesome person, really cool, and yes, to me and my younger brothers we call her dude sometimes because she’s very laidback and doesn’t care much about her looks because she’s naturally pretty, downside is she’s not really a girly type though we all agreed that if she dresses up she would pass for a model. Recently she started dating this guy, he seemed nice, but I think he might’ve said something that offended my her sensibilities( that’s what she said), well she told me that the guy wanted her to dressed sexy and even demanded that she waxed her legs… well, I could agree with the dressing “sexy” though we guys have a varying definition of the word… but to tell her to shave her legs, well its not like she has hairy legs. What i’m trying to get at is could she be over reacting? how Major is a Major change? should we just tell here its a red flag?

153 DevilsDaddy January 26, 2014 at 7:57 am

Chris; in love; she shouldn’t care if you can provide for her, because, come whatever may the 2 of you should be able to work through and overcome anything as 1. Also; as far as whether or not she is the one, only you can know that. What I am saying is that most of the comments on the subject are actually that individuals idea or version of what we will refer to as their “the one” but what they want or desire in a woman and what you want and desire aren’t always the same thing, you feel me? So my advice to you is to know what your “the one” consist of, then you will know the answer the that question

154 DevilsDaddy January 26, 2014 at 9:06 am

To Chief; the new girl on the scene is simply that, a newness; I am gonna guess that you also felt something very similar when you met the girl that you met 4 years ago. We at some point become a bit comfortable after being with someone for a while because we know we aren’t gonna do something stupid or unapproved of by that person. Then when we have settled into a relationship just like it is a pair of gym socks; lol, we naturaly notice something about someone new; it happens they are eyeballs and we have to see where we are going when moving about. Right here is where problems arise. We often forget that we have already experienced feelings similar to the ones we are feeling now; catch is, we have aged and in your case; aged four years. In four years of aging we are bound to change in someway; leading us to think we want the new thing, but if that were true why are we still perfectly content with the person we have been with four years now. When you say “I Do” we are to say it for life, which means when you see another woman that is also good looking and has a smile that could melt an iceberg, we don’t chase after like a dog chases a car. You are going to notice other beautiful people but you are already happy with what you’ve got, don’t forget that.
What I am trying to say is; just because we are able to see why others find a person attractive, it doesn’t mean that we should be with that person. Although; it does mean that if we hadn’t found what we were looking for in the person we are with, yes; we could have most likely had an equally successful relationship with that person too. Not that what works for me will work for you but; I managed to reach a point where I can see a very very very attractive woman that is even smiling at me and not paying attention to the guy talking to her at the moment, obviously interested in me but; I already have that same thing which is, a smoking woman that is rivaled by none; not interested in any man but myself, and she loves me in a way that leaves me no choice but to know she loves my lame ass. Not to mention the new one may get to know you and decide she doesn’t really want you for this or that reason.

155 J.B February 5, 2014 at 3:10 am

Thank you for anyone who actually made time to read all this, I am really in need of some mentorship. Please be kind.

My ex was my first and only girlfriend and we lasted for 6 1/2 years.
Many things happened, she was the one who made the first move, I was not that into her at the time but we went on until eventually I developed feelings for her. Nearing our 3rd year together, she broke up with me once for around a year (I was immature) and we got back together afterwards (I think I’ve matured mentally). Everything went well after that, we had our problems along the road but we came out truely understanding each other’s thoughts and we always had very good chemistry. She was my best friend in life and we were even talking about marriages and kids.

1 1/2 years ago, I had to move away to a place I grew up in due to work, and this place is 8 hours away. I asked if she would like to move together with me but she had said no without any hesitation. She has made up her mind staying in the current place and she said would never want to live in the place I grew up in (not as an insult, she knew the place). I moved away and we started drifting apart. I have made sure I called her, and I visit her when I do have the time (but this does not happen often due to the nature of my work).

After the break up (the past 1 1/2 years), I’ve always thought of her. But I started realizing there were more issues to this relationship then just distance. We do not have intimate physical contacts, holding hands and hugs, rarely kissing or going further (we did, just very rare); when we were away, she doesn’t call that often, nor attempts to visit; she has a friend-brother who she pays good amount of attention to which sometimes annoys the hell out of me; she’s been quite sarcastic with me after the break up and that would also annoy me when I made any effort to call her (which I stopped). Well, I’m sure I have my annoying parts (messy at times, stubborn) as well during the relationship but my relationship with her were not all how I would like my relationship to be, and I have the image that it will never worked up to how I would like it to be (which I know is too idealic and self centered).

But here’s the thing, despite all these, I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me, and I still think about her all the time. However, I am not sure if my feelings are out of the guilt that I left her, or because I really want to be with her.

I’ve met a few girls that I have good feelings for but somehow when I think of advancing any furthe I would think that I would hurt my ex by doing so, and in the end I would distant myself from the said girls. Sometimes I would just think that I’m the root cause of all these and bath myself in self loathing (I recover every often but not completely).

I’m sorry for anyone who has to read this, but my relationship has been a complete mess as of now. I don’t know how to even begin organizing all this and there’s no one I can turn to.

What should I do? Should I call her up and discuss with her? Should I give the relationship another try? Or should I just say screw it, man up and totally disregard all these into my past (which quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to do it)? Or should I be slapped, dragged out and shot for thinking too much into this?

156 Ramos February 10, 2014 at 3:36 pm

Point 4 is so true. My brother married his wife because she fit point 4 and probably 5 as well.

However, never let Point 2 decide for you. Maybe she is wonderful and so are you but your family is shit. That happens and maybe you didn’t see it. My cousin married a Brazilian girl 6 yrs ago and his family(partially mine) suddenly showed their true colors and “gave him almost no shot at success”.

They weren’t outright racists, but they just kinda giggled through the low-key ceremony and almost made bets on how long it would last, simply because she was from another continent and brown.

My cousin cut contact softly by not replying to about half his family but still emails with me and though they have no kids of their own, maybe due to infertility, their marriage is great and they often babysit her sisters kids.

In short, Point 2 is VERY optional.

157 barry February 15, 2014 at 8:16 pm

My wife and I have been married almost 36 years. I had no qualms about marrying my wife. While we disagreed about some things when we dated, and still do, there has never been a day when she wasn’t my best friend. I trust her completely. I did not have wedding day jitters, but I did want it to be over so we could get on with being married. When I met her in college, I was not looking for a girlfriend and she was dating a guy back home. We just clicked.

158 Mike February 24, 2014 at 5:30 am

Thanks to everyone who has posted here: it’s so comforting to know that others are going through similar periods of anguish.

I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend of roughly 10 months. She’s perfect in every way, but for whatever reason (chemistry, circumstance, etc) we just seemed to become stuck in a cycle of arguments, resolutions and more arguments over time. The main source of tension is that she’s a city girl, and whilst we both currently live in the city, I long to return to the country. It seems like such a small thing, and we’ve tried to figure out compromises where both of us can be happy, but nothing seems satisfactory.

It’s about 2 weeks after the breakup, and we’re in that awful period where we’re trying to decide whether it’s worth getting back together, or making a clean break. I love her dearly, and she loves me, but my concern is that we just bring out the worst in each other. I am prone to being a little withdrawn, which often made her prod me to get some sort of emotional response. This, in turn, made me feel like I was being railroaded into a future that wasn’t allowed to develop naturally.

It all sounds so petty when you put it on paper, but I just don’t know what to do. Should you stay with someone for the sake of love, even though you may end up being bad for each other? All I want is for her to be happy, and she’s pressuring me to make a decision straight away about getting back together. It’s a mess: I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her for good, but even guiltier at the thought of going back and potentially causing more hurt if we break up 6 months down the road. Part of me thinks the noble thing is to step aside and let her get on with her life, so she can meet someone more suited, but that’s not what she wants: she wants us to give it a 2nd go. Am I wrong to feel conflicted? Am I a coward or am I simply being realistic about a relationship that was volatile from the start? I know that at some point in life I will have to take a leap of faith with a girl, but shouldn’t it be smooth sailing, at least at the beginning? I can’t help but think of the opening scene of Shaun of the Dead, with the guy behind the bar yelling ‘time, gentleman!’ as Shaun finishes his lager.

Is it simply time to grow up and take the plunge? Does fate call time on everybody’s single life eventually?

159 A friend March 24, 2014 at 1:07 pm

@Daniel #101

I honestly think that if you found the right person for you, then you both will figure things out. Being married through the state is not a requirement. Common law marriages still exist and that’s another option if you don’t believe in having the government involved. The biggest issue I can think of, is what to do if you have children or pets.

As a female growing up, yes, I wanted an amazing wedding. I still do, but now that simply means something more along the lines of an event that is fun and beautiful, which you can celebrate your union with all of your friends and family. I think that declaration or defining moment of commitment is what pro-marriage people truly want. Many people are insecure and afraid to go through life alone. If that’s something you want to give her, then do it and don’t be worried about it! You can have a non-denominational priest-sort perform the ceremony and just have a good time with all of your loved ones. Do what makes you both happy and I don’t see why you shouldn’t be fine.

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