When we wrote 14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage, several people rightly pointed out that the best way to obtain a happy and faithful marriage is to marry the right person. But how do you know when you’ve found the right woman to settle down with?
When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.
They have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.
The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. The decision to marry my wife was the easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Here are five guidelines that guided me on deciding my wife was the one for me:
1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, including my own, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. My wife and I never had a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during our courtship. Everything about our relationship felt like the most natural thing in the world. We never broke up and got back together. Or even considered doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.
2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it-your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.
3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.
4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.
5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Throughout the entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before my wedding, I never had a single second thought about my impending nuptials. The only thing I felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.
At my wedding my father-in-law said, “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.
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I want the long-term, deep bond with that “special someone” but the idea of marriage is what I find difficult, and not for the reasons you’d think. I’m only talking about the institution/instrument of marriage here. I’m a very happy atheist, and to me, marriage is an artifact of religiocentric societies which is not relevant to non-religious people like me. Since churches have lost their quasi-government power over the centuries, marriage has somehow migrated into civil/secular life, and is now an instrument of the state. Marriage used to be required for people to be able to become couples, have sex, and have kids. What is it good for now? What does it give someone over and above what they would have in a non-married, permanent relationship? Tax advantages might be one thing, but managing one’s affairs properly through other means is better. I can’t figure out anything else.
Seriously, why would anyone want the state’s permission to have a long-term relationship? I think women tend to get caught-up in their girlhood dreams of having a fairy-tale wedding with a knight in shining armour, etc., and that’s perfectly fine (dreams are wonderful and far be it from me to trod on anyone’s!), but why do I need to sign a piece of paper that does nothing other than making a dissolution of the relationship difficult and expensive? It does nothing for either person in the relationship that I can see. I can have a non-marriage wedding ceremony (fairy-tale, of course!), I can still call my life partner my wife, we can still have kids, and we can do everything else married couples do, without the interventionist involvement of the state. I am equally bound to my future wife by my word, given at our ceremony. Why does the state need to poke its big nose into our affairs?
Am I the only one that thinks this way? I just hate the idea of having to have government permission for a relationship, which the government has no business regulating, especially when this regulatory philosophy persists from a religious context that does not involve me.
I’d love to hear any opinions about this.
Hi all,
I’m really in uneasy condition now,psychologically. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year. Rationally, I know she’s the best and perfect person I’ve ever met, she loves me a lot n supportive,fun beautiful,smart,has a good job, but honestly i don’t really loves her. i don’t have the deep love feeling to her. what should i do to make sure that I love her as much as she does?
Marriage is only about money. You’ll know when you’ve found the ‘right woman” when she doesn’t ask for half your stuff under a preconceived notion that your current relationship isn’t good enough.
If a woman isn’t smart enough to realize I am not that dumb then we aren’t going to work out.
(im only doing this again because i didnt check the typos)
oogie pringle i have sort of the same thing as you……………….im 14 now and it seems stupid to read this but i want really focusing on the marriage part but to know if shes the one i like………………i mean i truley LIKE. iv been friends with her since 13, 1 year ago and shes in all of my classes,we eat lunch together with my other friends,and we get along just fine……………huh this article just makes me feel sooo much better in the inside now…………im glad i read this ( even im only 14 years old =]).
dysko.
I say try at least two flavours, then you will realize if you are one of three people:
1. You like vanilla more than chocolate.
2. You like chocolate more than vanilla.
3. You like chocolate and vanilla at the same time. ;)
Ofcourse there is always the risk that if you liked vanilla, and tried chocolate, somebody else might have eaten the rest of the vanilla… but then again, if your the type of person to have tried chocolate when you had what you liked (vanilla) then eventually you would have tried chocolate anyways. Curiousity usually gets the best of people… who wants to go their entire lives never knowing what chocolate tastes like? Personally, I’d eat dirt if it was the only way to know that vanilla tasted better. In the end knowing what tastes better, means more than actually having it, because you need to know its the best to really appreciate it. Goodluck.
Hi all love the page.
I have a problem. Im 24 and my current partner is 20. We have been together for four years with out a problem (serious problem). There was a time 6 months ago that i was thinking of asking her to marry me but another person has come in between us. Im not for cheating, and want to work things out – if thats the right thing to do. Who is to say this other girl is not “the one” for me. In the four years we have been together i have not so much as looked at another girl like i do for her let alone have feelings for someone else. Both girls are fantastic and tick all the boxes but the new girl on the seen makes my heart race and has something special about her that i just cant put my finger on, but it drives me crazy. I love and adore the girl im with and as i said even thought she was “the one” (she might be). Feelings are feelings and have always thought they shouldn’t be suppressed so how do i live with one and hide the fact that she could/should have been where my heart lay. How can any person be 100% sure? To me the “one” sounds more like someone who you will be happy with, and work through anything with….. whats to say i couldn’t do that with another?
Hey everybody, I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, since September 21st 2009 and I think I’m in love. I’ve even thought about marrying my current gf. Thought about the way we both don’t like to spend everything we’ve got and we just have so much in common. We see politics the same way, along with religous views, we both go to church regularly at the same church. She likes football and I mean she really likes it. She even likes video games, I have a hard time figuring out why she likes video games like me when she tbh isn’t that good at them yet I know for a fact she plays them even if I can’t play with her. She even bought a $300 PS3 because she liked mine and yes I returned the favor :)
But basically I have more in common with her than any girl I’ve ever known including relatives. She loves my family and I love hers, they get along great, she feels like she’s become almost a part of us. Whenever we have a superbowl party, she’s there. But this isn’t as big as you think because half the people in my town call my mom theirs.
Most importantly, she loves me for who I am, she doesn’t have the mindset of “I can MAKE this guy the one I want” and she’s tol me that. No other girl has tol me that and I don’t want her to change a thing about herself either. The best of all, I can be my complete self around her, more than I can be around my guy friends! And I love it. I’ve never been able to do that with a girl and I’ve had 7 gfs so far. I also have this understood trust deep down that she’ll never hurt me. She won’t cheat or flirt. She, me, and my friends can all be at something entertaining and I almost feel like she’s one of them except umm, when she’s PMSing. She does every month as usual and we’ve had 2 bad days over the past 6 months. Both were when she was PMSing. One day she was just mad at everything, just mad at the world and she even went to bed mad and that hurt, it hurt me to see that and to know I didn’t make it better. Then a few nights ago, she messaged mr and said “I need you.” and I was luckily just about to leave my friends when that happened. I stopped by her house and she was crying. She was very questionable. Just asking things like “why do you love me?” callin herself a failure and saying I deserved better. I told her I didn’t care what I deserved, all I wanted was her. She told me that there were so many girls better looking than her and funnier and etc. An hour later we were laughing and everything was alright. Idk what this means but Im happy it’s over. We are both in highschool although we aren’t in the same school. I don’t feel like I have to evolve my world around her because she demands it. If i did everything based on her feelings, it would be because I would want to. It makes me happy to make her happy. One day in early March, I gave her a rose for just being herself, that’s all I want. <3 Her happiness makes me happy.
I am a virgin and I'll stay one until marriage I hope so this isn't a sex based relationship.
If we are after a long term relationship, I suppose one of the best questions we could ask ourselves is “could this woman be the mother of my children?”.
Ask yourself this question and see how you feel. Then, ask again after 6 months or a year.
@dysko
Why would you settle for less than your favourite flavour?
I fit into everyone of these categories. I truly feel this girl is the one. My question comes from the last one: The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. I am not afraid of marrying her so much. I know she is the one I want to marry. What I am afraid of is my ability to provide for her. I am not in a good financial situation. That is the only thing I am afraid of. Any thoughts?
to chris
Good for you
if u know she is the one
u do the best u can to provide her
and dont forget to pray to GOD
GBU
I’ve been dating a man whom I consider to be my best friend for about two years. We’re both still in college ( ages 22-23), and before he left this summer for an out-of-state internship, I told him that he was my “one”. I didn’t believe in that mushy romantic stuff before this relationship, but now I think the corniest thing: I wish that I would’ve known him in high school; I just want as much time with him as possible.
Anyway, he also considers me his best friend and a “catch” and he cried when we parted ways for the summer (I mean, like hyperventilated; and this is a rather guy’s guy); but he says that he isn’t sure that I am “the one” for him. I’m wondering if I made myself too vulnerable when I told him “the one” comment, I don’t want him to think that he now has the power to completely break my heart, but he does; all of his letters tell me how much he loves me and how compatible we are and blah blah, but it’s like he’s trying to skirt around the issue.
I don’t want to feel so insecure about telling him that he is the one for me, and I don’t want him to be pressured into something which he doesn’t feel yet, if he ever will at all.
I guess this is a pointless rant and I do not ever wish to make our relationship into an ultimatum, but how do I get over feeling bad that I am so head over heels he’s-the-one-for-me, and he doesn’t reciprocate? How do I get my lovey-dovey feelings under control (I’ve never been this smitten in a relationship) so that if nothing super serious develops I’m not completely crushed and lose my desire to love someone else?
I would really appreciate if someone could answer this. I apologize that it is rather wordy and may not make too much sense.
My current girlfriend fails in all 5 points. You would probably think why Im I with her? Because she is sooo freakin HOT! Although I dont think I can take it much longer, it just gets reeeeeeaally boring, except those 10 of bum bum.
At the end of the day, I believe every relationship takes its natural course. Try to enjoy what you have now and dont be a pussy when you know its over and move on. Try to learn something from every experiance, and also give something to each partner.
Cheers
Well I have an interesting situation because my supposed girlfriend who is supposed to be faithful and loving, promised me ONE thing. To not talk to a guy she ditched me for to go on a date with. Now, she texts him, plays video games with him and who knows whatelse. She’s said 6 times before Ill delete him off my phone, stop talking to him online and stop playing video games with him. Now the 6 th time came along and she kept readding him and playing with him. Is this a relationship I should ditch or should I stay with her. We’re both convinced were soulmates, but I ask her to do ONE thing for me and she promised she would stop, but she hasn’t. She obviously keeps choosing him over me. Should I leave or stay?
THIS IS ME EXACTLY!!! how do you overcome this??? whats the solution for this>???
Robert January 11, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Here’s my problem. I’ve never met a better girl than my girlfriend, and I’m 99% sure that I could never find anyone who would love me as much as she does, or support me, or put up with all my stupid little ways and insecurities like she does. Why then, do I always seem to have one bloody foot out the door? Why is it that every time a girl smiles at me in the street do I get a feeling in my gut like she’s the one to make all my dreams come true? Why is it that every time I fantasize about a relationship with one of those other girls it’s always so great, and challenging, and there are never any problems? Does this mean that my girlfriend isn’t the one for me – or is it all just down to my own stupid self-doubt and insecurities? I mean, how do you see the truth, and commit to it 100% without ever looking back. i mean it’s not like there would ever be any problems with any of the other girls I find myself thinking about, and I doubt any one of them would love me and put up with me as much as my girlfriend does. WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP!?
One thing is for certain, Rob and Mike:
You will always have problems with a girl, no matter who you marry.
That’s just part of being human.
We are prone to conflict.
The question is, are you willing to HANDLE those problems for the rest of your life with your gf, or is she not worth it to you?
That’s where love comes into play. If you’re really in love with your gf, you’ll realize that you would gladly put up with the fights, as long as it all works out in the end.
You’re going to have to be honest with yourself here.
Best of luck to you both.
@Robert and @Mike – I think there are a LOT of guys like us out there…. Recent studies show that interaction with a new woman, any new woman, increases male testosterone levels… giving us adrenaline and an euphoric rush of a new encounter. It’s a mental and physical boost. Even just walking down the street and seeing a nice body of a woman can make that happen. What is ironic, though, is that YOUR wife or girlfriend is unwittingly giving that SAME boost to some other bloke in the same boat as you. We’re all just a bunch of silly animals. The secret, I think, is to tap into that euphoric feeling and bring your renewed energy home to your girlfriend/wife. Otherwise the method of keeping one foot in/one foot out will ultimately wear and tear the relationship.
I am thinking about, getting all hitched up i am 26 and my girlfriend is 32. i want to be with her really… well for-ever, but she wants to have kids now! like last year now, and i want to wait till i have a little money, nice-ish place to live.
Can anyone with experience offer there perspective. ?
im quite sure about this girl.i know i cant live without her.
but she is not sure of me.she keeps pushing away when i tried to push the relationship to the next level or even when discussing it.
is she’s the one?any advise from the wise?
thanks
naaaahhhh.i dont think she is the one
Whats up yall!! Well im 20 years old and i have a bright future ahead of me playing baseball. Im from Baton Rouge and move to Shreveport louisiana, to start over and get on track for school.I played around with my life for 20 years n was wasting real good talent. So thats whn i move to get away from all the trouble, the parting, the drugs, and all the late night with different girls.Ifelt like it was time for a change because i wanna make my mommy proud and be somebody.
MYBAD YALL I MADE A MISTAKE AN HIT SEND..lol
So i told myself i want let nothing stop me from doing good.and since i had alot of girls in my life ,and what i wanna become in life, i dont have time jumping from girl to girl. plus im ready for a family.i wanna have something that my grandparents have..so i promise and prayed that imma let “the one come to me”. when i got up there i was in the weight room working out..and these girls wlk in there..i couldnt stop looking at her. even when i left i couldnt stop thinkking bout her. and since i felt like she was the one i didnt tlk to her yet cuz i wanted to see how she was first..like a freak r something. because if she was i dont want her… but she turn every dude down who try to holla..she even turn me down even though she wanted me..n tht never happen before where a girl turn me down..but ever time we do c each other..she smile and look at me the whole time until we past each other..when i come around her i get weak..if someone say her name i get week..i like her so much i dont wanna mess with noone else..thts ha serious i am..n when i did finially tlk to her ..she so sweet man..lol..but i always told myself whn i play pro ball i want a girl thts a teacher and wanna be a great momma..n whn she told me tht i felt like she was the one..cuz i never met a girl who wanna do wht was in my thought..i never ran into a girl like tht…n i still feel tht way about her .if u was watching everything u would think its a movie..lol….WHT SHOULD I DO ANYONE?
My man is on the internet seems like all the time. I recently found a picture of a naked young lady, grant you he;s 64 years old I;m 56, this young lady is from the Phillipines , I;m not married to this man but been with him for 5 years,now I feel like I;ve been lied and cheted on; He also made plans to go see this young lady,she is about 20 years old. I love this man dearly, it’s not the first time he’s been on the internet looking for young women. will he continue to lookfor young women on the internet.. love him or leave him.
To fadqur man in doubt: I understand how you feel. I felt the same way at an earlier point in my relationship, also. I spoke to my grandmother about it, and she set my mind at ease with this: It’s not the whirlwind feelings that you look for when you’re considering being with/marrying someone. Whirlwind feelings will wear down after a long while, so you shouldn’t base the legitimacy of your relationship off of those. It’s the feeling of contentment that you find when you’re with a woman that determines whether or not she’s the one. Sit back, and try your hardest to picture your life without her. If you can’t, then she’s the one. After she said that to me, I did so, and I can happily say that I plan on popping the question this coming May on the day after we both graduate from college. She is indeed the one for me. I hope that you can say the same. God bless.
Well here’s my dilemma I really like 2 out of 3 girls…..ok one not so much so ther is 2 contenders one really funny sexy good in bed likes what I like and in general anyone I can tell anything to she’s older matur which I like I’m 23!shes 27! U could say she’s my best friend tell her anything and no she won’t judge me….then there’s a sexy red hot girl she’s a laugh weve spent little time together and maybe I could tell her anything too the 1st one gets on with my family the 2nd never Met them do I go with my head…number 1….or my heart…number2!! I no its all backward cos I feel more for number 2 than number 1 and number 1 feels more for me than number 2!!!!!
I’m not sure I agree with the one that you won’t ever be scared at all to marry. I’ve been married for four months and I love my husband and I KNOW I’ve married the right one, but in the months before the wedding I did have a few times where I would go, “Yikes, I’m getting MARRIED…this is for, like, forever! What if he’s not the right one?!?” Taking marriage seriously makes it a little bit scary, even if you know that you know you “can’t live without” the person you’re with.
This one is for Stephanie.
Here’s the deal. There’s no point being scared of ‘forever’.
Why?
Because we aren’t guaranteed any fixed amount of time.
But if you want to be with them now, and can’t imagine a time when you won’t want to be with them, then it’s probably a good thing.
When we start thinking about semi-infinite time, our brain goes full-derp.
So don’t. :)
really enjoyed reading all your thoughts, thanks for sharing.
I am a 20 year old guy and am dating two girls, I want to get serious with one who one day might become my wife. The only problem i have is that I do not know of them is the right one for me. They are both the same in many things they do. One of them is 20 years old I have been dating for three years and the other is 16 who I have been dating for almost a year now. I love them both the same seriously but I am sexually more attracted to the 16 year old and the 16 year old is a lil bit childish when it comes to some things, with the 20 year old I sometimes feel as if sh is more mature then me when it comes to things like my hanging out with my friends but rather then that they both match what I’d like my future wife to be like who do i choose please give me some advise. Or is it me looking at things from the wrong angle?
Robin, you are still young, my advice to you is take it easy by now, your natural evolution will lead you to your next step. My best wishes for you. Attn George.
I see one message saying that marriage is only about signing a contract with the government. Well, I think that it’s like saying that going to school is only about the grades, or going to work is only about the money. Different people will view these things differently, but in my opinion it’s not going to be JUST about one thing – like, what you can also earn by going to school is education, and social life/networking. This doesn’t mean you can’t earn education and social life if you don’t go to school though, you can be home schooled. In my opinion this is similar to marriage; getting married in my opinion does not necessarily mean only getting a permission, it can also be seen as a celebration, a building of memory with rings, family…basically a gesture of love (I’m only 22 so I can’t say much about marriage, so feel free to chip in your opinion on this). However, not getting married doesn’t mean you can’t get all the above. It’s the matter of choice. If neither of you want to get married and go through all that ring stuff, then don’t! Go climb a mountain or go skydiving to have your very own celebration if you wish, you don’t really need a legal document or anything to ‘proof your love’, because that logic, in my opinion, is flawed in the first place! So, what I would say is just do it for the relationship, and only for the two of you.
I’ve read the article and its great guideline, a great start into realising if you have a good catch! What I found more interesting are the comments, the posts from people. I’ve learned more here about myself and now I’m more sure about what I want and need in a relationship, than any self help books I’ve read so far. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years just recently, whom I actually love and care deeply for. He was adamant on living together first and then getting married. This is how he sees the natural progression of relationships in the modern world. He also feels more strongly about the commitment of living together than what he calls the piece of paper. I, on the other hand want to be married first before I live with anyone. I have lived with previous bf in the past and it didn’t work. Having said that, it’s not the reason why I wouldn’t do it again. I am 35, and I feel that I want and need more security in my relationship. I know that marriage is not a full proof security system either I am aware of that, but to me it means more. It’s the promise that we make to each other in front of family and friends that we will love and be there for each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health till death do us part. That means a lot to me. Nothing lasts forever, I know this. But it’s the notion of knowing that I am special and worthy enough to be his wife. It’s the symbolic nature of wedding and marriage that I long for. And if one day, it stops I hope that the vow and promise we made will help pull us through. Maybe it is a fairy tale since I have read some posts about bitter divorces and unrequited loves, but I have also read that what I want is possible through others who have managed to stay together and have a happy marriage and after years still very much in love. I guess since I’ve started researching on this interesting topic, that no matter what everyone says, the one is the person YOU make ‘the one’. It’s about the commitment and sacrifices you are willing to make for ‘the one’ and how far you will go for ‘the one’ and you know you the ‘the one’ and you have the same goals and ideals in life. Because loving someone is easy, making them ‘The One’ is easy, it’s staying together and keeping the relationship alive that is the challenging part.
I’ve dated a LOT of women trying to find the right one. I married late in life (33) and had 13 years of a rocky marriage. What I learned was that both people have to have the same view of marriage and common goals about their future. If you’re not both driving down the same road, somebody is going to take an offramp. Now that I’m divorced, I started dating again and have gone through a lot of short relationships. I’m pickier now. I’m not interested in just find “a wife”. I’m interested in finding someone that excites me, captures my every thought, that has a lot in common with me and has very similar goals. It’s taken some time, but recently I met someone that on the very first date I thought. “I want to marry her”. My advice to younger guys – don’t settle, don’t ignore red flags, get out of a bad relationship sooner than later and keep looking. It’s been said too often “you’ll know”, but it’s true. When you know, you know…
Hey All,
Just last week, I went through a break up from a relationship of 2 1/2 years. Our relationship had met every one of these criteria, however we had times in our relationship where she had thoughts in her head that we weren’t meant to be together. It was only twice before and when we had worked through them, we had come out on top even stronger than ever before.
We had gone to see an old friend of hers whose band was playing at a bar that friday. This same guy, she had met a year before we met, and was interested in him but never pursued because he had a girlfriend, even though he was interested in my now ex-girlfriend.
Out of nowhere, I wake up Sunday morning and there is an e-mail from her explaining that she still loves me…but it will not work out between us. She claims that I did nothing wrong, but rather it’s a feeling that she is having in her mind that “can not be defined” (her exact quote). I later come to find out that she is now hanging out with and is feeling re-interested in this guy from the past… Needless to say, last week was a rough one for me. My questions for this discussion board are:
1) Was she blowing smoke up my ass for the whole relationship and I was just too far gone in love to recognize it?
2) Do I hold out hope that one day she may come back around realizing that she made a mistake? If so, what do I do?
3) How do I cope with losing out to a guy that hasn’t been around for years, but resurfaces for a few hours and walks off with the love of my life?
Any courteously-stated feedback would be much appreciated.
Hey there Feeling Low.
I will try answer your questions looking at it from your ex girlfriend’s point of view, since I am a girl and experienced a similar situation to her.
I think she stayed in the relationship because she was confused and felt guilty. She was confused as to why she didn’t believe you were meant to be together even though she knew how much you loved her. She felt guilty that someone could love her this much but she could not bring herself to be 100% solid about this relationship. So, she decided to stay so she could try to figure out why she keeps feeling this way and somehow change those feelings or wait it out until they subsided. She stayed so she could give you what you deserved from her: mutual love.
I hate to be so blunt here but please do not hold on to hope that one day she’ll come back, Feeling Low. If she felt that you were not meant to be during the relationship, time will only validate that more for her. Time will validate that for you too, trust me, once you are over the heart break. You will realise that you may have loved her more than anything in the world, but she was not “the one”. In my opinion (emphasis on OPINION) love alone does not determine who “the one” is for us.
Us as humans, we have no control over who we fall for. Whether it’s someone we met a long time ago or someone we saw just now. You should not feel in any way threatened by this other guy. It is just simply a fact of your ex feeling something for him that she may have not felt for you. It is something that is not in her hands. It is human nature.
You will soon realize that this was all a blessing in disguise for you when you have that eye-opening moment down the line that this girl was not “the one”. Do you know how I know this? because true love and true partnership is when the love is 100% reciprocated and neither party feels confused nor hesitant about their love for the other.
All the best to you. God Bless.
Hi there. I’ll try and cut a very long story short. I have just ended (I think!) a 9 month relationship that was very much on and off…but usual story, now that it could potentially be off for good I am starting to worry that if I hadn’t been such a tool things should have always been ‘on’. This girl was pretty special in almost everyway. Strong, sexy, funny, cool, got on extremely well with my mates and though the sun shone out on my ar*e just to top it off! We had a very rollercoaster ride type relationship and I must admit Ive never felt as low in my life as I did at certain parts. But looking back now, I kinda think if we had taken a step back and not freaked out things mightve been different. I find I am always full of regrets after meaningful relationships end and this is no different. We had so many little quirks etc etc that I’d be very surprised that I have with anyone else. I dont know if I just need to man up and stop looking at the other girls about and just concentrate on her, or am I just flogging a dead horse and that things wont ever change.
Any light on the matter would be great cos it’s seriously messing with my head pretty much every hour of the day. Thanks
Hey Adam,
I think you have to really take some serious time out to decide whether this relationship is actually worth it for you or not. Reading your message, I can’t help but feel you guys are a little immature. Please don’t take offense, I’m just stating my opinion.
I think you have to think what exactly is going on that makes you two fight and argue. If you (and her) are willing to really work on your issues and fix them properly then by all means give it another try. But remember this is A LOT easier said than done. If you do get together again and the cycle repeats itself once again, then to be frank I think you need to let it go, for good. A real, authentic and healthy relationship does not involve such heart ache and pain. Yes every relationship has its ups and downs but the good always should outweigh the bad. otherwise you are just doing yourself a disservice by staying.
Think long and hard and don’t act on impulse. Ask her to do the same and then when some time passes meet up and discuss your point of views about the whole thing. See if you both feel you can work things out and try again. A relationship requires equal effort so you both have to put in 100% to work on your relationship.
All the best :)
I am 25 year old and in love with a 21 year old girl. We love each other deeply but the problem is that we are too far from each other location wise. I am a graduate while she’s still in school. There are still a lot of things I would like us to share together so as to know each other the more but the distance wouldn’t give us a chance (there are somethings you can’t discuss effectively through phone call you know). So I am feeling a sense of insecurity about our relationship, somethings thinking about going for someone else that I can see all the time, but the love I have for her has not allowed me to go through the thought. Please advise me, how can I make this relationship work because I feel she’s the one for me.
WOW, this article and many of the responses (particularly the ones written by CharlesBennett and Hope) were so encouraging. I’m going through a break-up of 2.75 years and was even engaged to this person. In general, she is/was a very very special person to me. Although 85% of the relationship was met with disagreements, and the bumping of heads, we still managed to survive.
With me being a very busy person, she brought a lot of support to my life. She was very insecure with me having female friends, and I felt “pushed” to do things like introduce my family and fiends instead of letting it happen “naturally”. Furthermore, I felt I was under constant emotional stress/anxiety trying to “prove” myself not to be that guy that would hurt her. Very early on, she deemed us to be in a serious relationship and ever since that point, I felt I was living life according to security checklist. As soon as I completed one thing off the list, I felt there was another waiting to be taken care of to reinforce/assure her (i.e. introduce family, get engaged, get married, having baby). It got to the point where I felt I had like control and was just living to try to make her happy – which often times felt futile. Having been divorced myself, I felt there were things I wanted to focus on to ensure a divorce would never happen again (i..e working together as a team, going to counselling, talking things through maturely, working on long-term life plan sooner rather than later, etc). Now, I wasn’t trying to force these things, but after feeling forced myself, I felt I better know what/who I was getting long-term.
Throughout the relationship, we experienced many episodes of breaking up and getting back together; however, each time it happened I thought it was making us stronger and for that reason didn’t truly give up. There were many times when i just wanted space/time to regroup, but this made her more anxious. Needless to say, I started to feel lost, and confused. How can something I’ve come to love be so difficult? Mind you, I never really knew what true/unconditional love was prior to this particular relationship. Prior relationships were based on vain thing (i.e. looks, entertainment, the desire to have her, etc.).
But coming into this relationship I told myself I wanted to know what true love was…
To make a long strong short, I think my experience with this person (whom i will ALWAYS love despite our many issues and potential for never working out – although I can’t I’ve lost hope), taught me the very thing I wanted to learn the most…How to Love. Love is more than just that “feeling” you get when things are “working” as planned or desired. Contrary to that “true love” is often felt the most when you get hurt… because in that hurt you realize how much you care for the person and desire for it to work out. Truly, if the person meant nothing to you, then it would be very easy to move on. True love, according to the Word of God, is “patient, and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres ( 1 Corth 13: 4-8).
It’s good to not that loving someone isn’t always easy. And just because you “love” them doesn’t mean you’re “in love” with them or that they are “the one”.
Often times, relationships are used to teach us things. It is often a process of refining us to become the men and women we need to be for some higher purpose, and/or to prepare us for that one true relationship that will last as long God provides life.
So with that, I’ve learned that it s very important to be able to look past those things that wont withstand the test of time (i.e. looks) and truly focus on what would make this person a great match for you. Me personally, I look for the ability of my partner to communicate, loyalty, honestly, respect, support, a spiritual foundation, TEAMWORK, humor, etc.
Many of these things I found in the person mentioned above, but still it doesn’t mean she was the one. To this day, I try to maintain hope that one day she “becomes” the one, but I know it’s all in God’s hand. I know everything we went through was for a reason.
I just long for the day when I know…as someone mentioned…you’ll just know. :)
Until then, my plan is to finally focus on me (outside of a relationship). Having learned a lot about myself (what i was doing wrong, and how I contributed to the mess) I’m hoping to prepare myself for that moment (with whomever – even if it’s with the person aforementioned – one day in the future).
Final words: ANY relationship is though…there is no such thing as a perfect one. Often times we men think that a “hot” girl means happiness, but it’s been proven many times (just look at Hollywood) that that’s not the case. Also, dating a “hot” girl can bring insecurities and anxieties you never though you could have.
Remember love is blind, and in many cases deaf. True love withstands the test of time, BUT both must be in love and wiling to make it work!
I appreciate every post I’ve read so far. My problem is that I have fallen for my “friend with beneifts”. 7 years now and things have progressed in both our lives. We’re both stable but I found myself spending an awful lot of time in his new home. And the puppy and I have bonded these last 5 months. Problem is when we were being intimate I made a mistake and out of my mouth came “I love you,” I didn’t mean to say it, HOMESTLY! It just came out! We both handled the moment but I felt we were both shocked. I asked him not to freak out about it and that my feelings for him were always there so don’t pretend he didn’t know. The next day we didn’t talk about it, but he won’t look at me. He looks away…what’s up with that? Please answer…fast!
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