When pre-pubescent mustaches grow up, they want to be Tom Selleck’s mustache. It’s a modern mustache masterpiece. Magnum P.I. wouldn’t have been the same with some dude with a naked upper lip.
Walter Cronkite’s mustache was the most trustworthy mustache in all of news history. And that’s the way it is…
During the 1980s and early 90s, no mustache was funnier than Eddie Murphy’s. We won’t hold Eddie Murphy’s mustache responsible for Daddy Day Care or Norbit.
I’ll take game show host who lost major manliness points when he shaved his mustache for $800, Alex.
Daniel Plainview’s mustache will drink your milkshake. And then bludgeon you to death with a bowling pin.
Hussein bin Talal
The King of Jordan’s mustache had an uber-manly lineage; it can be be traced all the way back to the Prophet Muhammad. Today, his son Abdullah II carries on his father’s peaceful policies and the manly mustache.
Australian film star Errol Flynn had a swashbuckling mustache that could make even tights look manly.
Rollie Fingers brought back the waxed handlebar mustaches rocked by the baseball players of yore. Diamondbacks relief pitcher Clay Zavada carries that torch today.
Scientists have proven that the secret to Steve Prefontaine’s record-setting running times was the aerodynamics of his mustache.
Wyatt Earp is a Western legend. Some sources say he killed up to 30 men during his time as a lawman in the American frontier. He didn’t even have to use bullets; his mustache knocked em’ over cold.
Ron Burgundy is the manliest fictional news anchor to ever live. He loves scotch (scotchy, scotch, scotch), leather-bound books, and the smell of rich mahogany. And of course, he had a kick ass mustache that injected the news with testosterone.
Clark Gable’s mustache doesn’t give a damn.
Nietzsche’s mustache can provide meaning to the life of even the most strident nihilist. Look at that thing. Awe inspiring.
Not only did Genghis Khan grow a manly mustache and rule over the largest empire in history, he also rocked the flavor saver way before it was cool. Wait, was the flavor saver ever cool?
Mark Twain had some strong words to say about beards: “It performs no useful function; it is a nuisance and a discomfort; all nations hate it; all nations persecute it with the razor.” Guess that’s why he decided to go with an awesome mustache instead.
Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream, a dream that all men will grow a mustache as magnificent as MLK’s.
The “m” in E=mc² stands for “mustache.”
The Spanish vigilante Zorro struck fear in the hearts of evil land barons and other bad guys with his fox-like cunning, his agility, and of course, his debonair pencil mustache.
Harry Longabaugh, aka, The Sundance Kid
When you’re robbing trains, you need an appearance that commands respect. The Sundance Kid understood this, so he grew a mustache.
Zee Svedeesh Cheff ves zee munleeest mooppet ooff zeem ell. Bork, bork, bork!
Let’s face it. The real star is Burt Reynold’s Mustache. Burt Reynolds can thank his mustache for his film and TV career. If only his mustache had talked him out of plastic surgery.
Lanny McDonald’s iconic red walrus mustache threw open ice body checks that put his opponents in the hospital. Oh, and it also helped him score 98 points in a season.
Wanna poke? Grow a mustache.
Pancho Villa started life as a poor Mexican sharecropper on a hacienda. He grew a mustache, put on some bandoliers, and became the Mexican version of Robin Hood. His mustache inspired thousands of oppressed Mexicans to revolt against the oligarchy and establish a more democratic Mexico.
Legend has it that Chamberlin’s famous swinging gate attack at Gettysburg was whispered to him by his mustache.
Frank Zappa did some crazy stuff with the guitar. His style has influenced countless musicians today. But with a mustache like that, you wouldn’t expect anything less. Sadly, Frank died of prostate cancer in 1993. It’s a reminder why initiatives like Movember are so important.
When your entire face is a mustache, you can be assured you have a manly mustache. Nibble on that, Bugs.
Robert Goulet’s mustache was so iconic, so world-changing, that the American Mustache Institute named their annual award, which is presented to the person best representing or contributing to the Mustached American community each year, the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year” award.
In the Untouchables, Sean Connery taught us that you should never bring a knife to a gun fight, but you should always bring your mustache.
Anytime Hollywood needs a cowboy with a mustache, they call Sam Elliot.
Sadly, not even his epic mustache could save Apollo Creed from getting killed by the Commie Russian in Rocky IV. Thankfully, the ghost of Carl Creed’s mustache gave Rocky the strength to avenge him.
Bill the Butcher
Bill “The Butcher” Cutting from Gangs of New York was a mean SOB. Xenophobic, ruthless, and deadly with a knife, his 19th century mustache ruled over Lower Manhattan’s Five Points district.
Wilford Brimley’s mustache has been fighting dee-a-beet-us since 1990. He feeds his stache Quaker Oats to make it strong and virile.
You didn’t think we would make a list of manly mustaches and not include Theodore Roosevelt, now did you? Whether he was going after robber barons or charging up San Juan Hill, TR’s mustache was there giving him the vim and vigor he needed to live the strenuous life. Bully for his mustache!