How to Weather a Break-Up Like a Man

by Brett & Kate McKay on April 21, 2009 · 94 comments

in Dating, Relationships & Family

man1

Image by jrivits

Editor’s Note: AoM has previously discussed how to break-up with someone like a man. But what if a woman breaks up with you? Today my good friend Michael Etzkorn gives some much-needed advice on how to deal with this unfortunate turn of events.

Breaking up is hard, whether it is mutual or one party does the dirty work. Any serious relationship that ends will leave one or both people heartbroken. My fiancé and I were together for nearly four years when we ended it; it had been a long-distance relationship for some time, and we couldn’t agree on what we both wanted and needed in our marriage. Our break-up was very civil and mature, but that is not to say that it was painless. Fortunately, heartache is bearable if you can man up. Almost all of this advice is a composite of good advice from friends and first-hand experience.

Leading Up to Breaking Up

There is always a period of time leading up to the break-up where at least one self-aware person in the relationship will notice that there is trouble in paradise. Whether it’s a short relationship or one spanning many years, there’s always a road to break-up. It can take a matter of hours or it can take months. If you’ve ever heard the term “the suspense is killing me,” then you’ll understand that this is the hardest part of any break-up. Here are some tips on handling this phase:

  • Don’t behave differently, unless they ask you to. Trying to make changes without knowing exactly what the problem is will make things more awkward.
  • Don’t break up with them just to avoid being dumped. It’s cowardly, and you might regret ending something you could have saved.
  • Don’t pretend the relationship is over and start seeing other people. If you want to end it, end it. If they end it, it is over. Until then, you still have obligations.
  • Talk to her. This might end things more quickly, but that’s a good thing. If it’s going to happen, better it happen sooner so that you can start getting better.

The Actual Break-up

This is where things get ugly. This is also when you want to ask questions. You want to ask them now, because you’ll want time away from them after the break-up. You’ll also want to find out exactly what it is they are thinking in case it really is something you can fix. Ask questions like:

  • What can we do to make this work?
  • What can I do to make things better?
  • Why are you ending this?
  • Is there someone else?
  • What can I do to make future relationships work better?

The key to the break-up is dignity. Being a pathetic, sobbing wretch is not going to win her back. Neither is being a furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut. Hold your head up, have respect for her and have respect for yourself. Be reasonable when you try to find out what you can do to save the relationship; you shouldn’t give in to demands or options that you don’t want to live with. There have been several times I’ve offered to save the relationship by promising something I really wasn’t comfortable with, but it doesn’t fix the relationship; it simply shifts the awkwardness around. You might still be with her at the end of it, but at what cost? Do both of you a favor: remember your dignity.

Aftermath

People will try to give you formula like ‘a week for every month’, but the truth is that you’ll be better when you are better. This is when you might cry your eyes out or hit the gym or find a friend with a punching bag in his garage. Remember that it’s over. Here are a few things to keep in mind in the meantime.

  • Be reasonable. Don’t join the army on a whim or shave your head. Do not do anything dangerous or stupid. I promise that you won’t win her back scratching obscene language into her car door. You definitely will not win her back by putting the moves on her best friend or by starting a fistfight with the fellow you think she is dating, now.
  • Your friends and family are there for you. Don’t be afraid to let them know you could use a pick-me-up, like some company at a movie or a camping trip or just to hang out while you grade papers or fact-check a journal article.
  • Stay busy! You don’t have to stay so busy you don’t think about it, but working out or working on a project will give you a sense of purpose that will make things more bearable. This is the time for that project you’ve been meaning to do for years.
  • Avoid her. Don’t listen when people tell you that you should not be afraid to be around her. Take all the time you need to get your feet back under you. When you’re ready to see her, you will know. Until then, put her pictures and love letters away. You wouldn’t expose an open wound to the elements, would you?
  • Don’t go looking for pity. You should know the difference between having a bad moment and spending eight weeks with the same depressing Facebook status. You will not feel better; you will only bring down the friends who actually care about your plight.
  • Do not stalk your ex! Stay away from her Facebook or Myspace. It’s tempting, but what you need to do is build yourself up again. Trying to keep this person in your life by hanging out by her house or checking her e-mail or logging on to their social networking site is not just unhealthy, it’s an invasion of privacy.

Your life will go on. Things will get better. It will take a long time, in all likelihood, and it will take some work. Above everything else, remember your respect for the other person and your respect for yourself. Keep your head up high and roll with the punches.

{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }

1 CharismaCoach April 21, 2009 at 3:50 pm

The biggest one for me is ignore your urge to tell that person everything that is wrong with them and definitely don’t ask them to do the same for you. I think people are most blind right around a break up. We are not thinking straight and any criticism from them or us that comes out is likely not going to be helpful.

A man realizes he has faults, and that the people around him have faults. A man never feels the need to remind others of their faults just so he feels better about his own.

2 lady brett April 21, 2009 at 6:12 pm

hi, i just wanted to say that this is the best advice on weathering a break-up i’ve ever seen, and equally applicable to women as men (though avoidance is, among other things, sometimes not an option). i certainly could have used this advice two years ago =)

3 Aiden April 21, 2009 at 7:39 pm

I’m honestly a little disappointed. I usually love the articles on Art of Manliness, and was actually just broken up with. Instead of a list of what not to do, I would have liked to see what to do. I feel like there are few people to talk to after a breakup, and as a man I have a hard time expressing my emotions and even just letting them out. I’d like to see more coping mechanisms than “stay busy.”
That aside, the “what not do do” items are things I like to keep in mind.

4 amit April 21, 2009 at 7:46 pm

I would really appreciate something written on being rejected, from what i see here that is a much bigger problem.

5 Dane Barca April 21, 2009 at 11:03 pm

This is very sound advice which would be well-considered by any despondent ex. However, one needs to experience the dubious pleasure of being a righteous, “furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut” once in their lives.

6 Josh April 22, 2009 at 2:34 am

I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.

If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)

7 grant April 22, 2009 at 4:33 am

Other recommendations:
*Respect yourself; don’t give up your dignity. No woman is worth destroying your self-regard.
*Respect her; don’t destroy her dignity.
*Learn and grow from the breakup; accept responsibility for your own faults which contributed to the breakup and don’t put all the blame on her.
*Allow some time before you start seeing someone else; regroup; reset your bearings; don’t neglect your own identity.
*Don’t isolate in a pity party; get out and maintain relationships with your male friends, being careful not to talk about the breakup too much.

8 Frito April 22, 2009 at 5:49 am

Thats funny, I thought you already wrote this article.

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/04/05/the-art-of-manliness-guide-to-scotch-whisky/

9 ellis April 22, 2009 at 6:44 am

One imprtant “do” for the aftermath is to continue to speak highly your ex. Do not get dragged down into bitchy comments, insults or blame throwing. Behave with dignity.

10 Brett April 22, 2009 at 7:19 am

Great article!
I am currently going thru the “Aftermath” of a tough breakup (15 months) and it is always nice to remember that this heartache is something every man will most likely deal with. I agree with the “Don’t stalk your Ex” and “Avoid her” advice. Too many of my buddies have tried to stay “friends” with their Ex’s which is not a bad idea until they get hurt even more or get back into that relationship without fixing any of the previous problems. Also, I removed my Facebook just so I was not tempted to “stalk” her new dates. Lastly, upon walking in on her and some new guy making out (possibly 2 weeks after our breakup), I was not tempted in the slightest to beat him up. I just had to call my younger brother to vent afterward haha.

11 Brian April 22, 2009 at 7:48 am

Yeah, it’s definitely tough. Especially when they leave you saying they wanna start sleeping around instead of being with you. It is strange how you can never forget the person that was probably the worst for you.

12 Pat April 22, 2009 at 7:49 am

Josh is a wise man….osh on April 22nd, 2009 2:34 am

I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.

If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)…..

I had a break up after eight years with this girl. It took forever to be able to be alone and fine with that. When I was able to be alone I was overwhelmed with emotion. This is a good thing. You have to be able to be sad, be angry, be lonely and be fine with those emotions. I was not ready to be fine with that and that was why I was unable to be alone. You cannot be with someone else unless you are comfortable being with yourself. Now I may enjoy being alone too much!

13 Enrique S April 22, 2009 at 8:18 am

Reminds me of the advice in the Bad Company song – better get the boys round and do some drinking fast. Seriously, now’s the time to lean on your buddies. They won’t let you get too low, or take yourself too seriously.

14 Mitchel April 22, 2009 at 10:12 am

This was a good article. The only thing I would emphasize is not to re-pursue her. If she broke up with you, it’s for a reason and if you “win” her back the reasons will still be there or she’ll find new reasons. Let her go. Go through your mourning for her. Get over her. Get back into taking charge of your own life and either stay single or find the girl that will appreciate you for who you are.
Trust me guys, I just got out of 10 years or marriage hell, and I mourned for the loss of a bad relationship for over a year and what did I learn through that? Besides that I just wasted 11 years, I now have a list of things to avoid if I ever get into another relationship.

15 Dylan April 22, 2009 at 10:32 am

My girlfriend of 3 years left me about 3 weeks ago and I’m just starting to get over it. Its hard going so long as “soandso’s boyfriend” and then having to find your way back to yourself.

Probably the toughest part of a break up is how up and down the whole thing is. One day you might wake up feeling really optimistic and happy and then an hour later you feel like absolute garbage. While your days will gradually consist of more ups and fewer downs, I have one tip to get yourself through them. Whenever you feel a tough spot coming on there are two or three things you can do to help yourself fight it off. Eat, caffeinate and (if you smoke) have a cigarette. This little regiment without fail will lift your spirits. Obviously be careful that you don’t over do it (theres nothing harder than trying to get back into the dating game only to realize that you put on 10 pounds in your break up) but these three simple things should help to chase away the blues.

In all honesty, this website has done a lot of awesome stuff for helping me get over my ex. Whereas I have spent the past 3 years working as hard as I can to be a good boyfriend, now I have time to work on simply being a better man. Its hard to do, but if you can look at a break up as an opportunity for self improvement, it can honestly turn into a pretty exciting experience.

I think that one of the most important things I can say to anyone in this situation is to be skeptical of any one else’s advice. While a lot of people similar to yourself have gone through experiences very similar to your own, no one knows exactly what you’re going through except for you. You need to figure out whats best for you. You need to make some mistakes and then you need to learn from them. Thats the only way to really grow out of this.

16 Aeneas April 22, 2009 at 4:15 pm

This is a very helpful article

17 C April 22, 2009 at 6:35 pm

I found out that talking to friends who listened well really helped. I had a break up after 6 years and every time I felt bottled up with emotion, I would find a friend who would listen. I must have done it with six different friends and I felt very light after it. I was careful not to overdo it.
Secondly, I remember that during the tough times, I kept on telling myself that if I dont take this breakup as a experience for personal growth, the breakup period would be a waste of time.

Most importantly, if there is one thing you have to remember, no matter how confused, angry, sad, bitter you feel, you have to maintain your dignity. I often feel like hurting my ex. with words but I know that I will feel ashamed after I do that.

18 Brian April 23, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Impeccable timing – do you guys spy on my life and post articles that are always timely? Thank you!

19 Vuk April 24, 2009 at 4:20 pm

Wow, what timing, a girl i was deeply involved with for 3 years just told me she needed “a break” for a little while yesturday. We all know thats as good as goodbye… great article, im glad to say that ive done everything practically identically to the advice given. I suppose now only time will tell what will happen.

20 holley April 26, 2009 at 7:07 am

Excellent tips on “what not to do” but what about pro-active steps to take to move on? I got dumped after five solid happy years then found some traditional male responses truly helpful – no talking about it – lots of drinking, live rock and comedy clubs, screwing around – also throwing myself into my job, computers, ocean sports, etc. Guys are luckier in this regard: more interests and intellectual activities to lean on.

21 Copperpot May 27, 2009 at 11:20 am

This is a lot of great advice. The only thing that confuses me is the title, it says “How to break up like a man”; what man uses facebook or myspace?

22 LionHeart July 15, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Good advice. Another tip that really works is to watch an inspirational film clip everyday or whenever you need a lift. Something that confirms your status as a dominant male..a man… the top of the food chain and chain of command. Try millitary or simply Lions in the wild.

23 Bert July 22, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Wonderful article. Some excellent advice, and even more in the comments section (particularly Grant and ellis – few things demonstrate one’s manliness as effectively as speaking well of an ex!).

The only other piece of advice I can offer from past experience: remember that if she found you worthy to date for __ period of time, then someone else will too. You might be afraid of being alone for the rest of your life, but the sooner you realize how worthy you are, the sooner you’ll see just how easy it will be to date again. And don’t be gun-shy, man up and ask other women out once you’re ready for it! Each rejection just brings you one step closer to your next special someone.

24 Phillip August 9, 2009 at 11:22 pm

Dealing with break ups are easier if you go into it understanding that most women are oppurtunistic and will trade you in as soon as they think they can do better, and that your relationship will probably end, unless you make a lot of money, and design your life around doing exactly what she wants

25 prufock October 19, 2009 at 9:26 pm

Ha! I could have used this guide a couple of years ago, when I went through my first really painful break-up. My particular trespasses are being the “pathetic, sobbing wretch” and spending too much time on Facebook. Well, you live, you learn.

26 man4kids October 26, 2009 at 12:09 pm

One issue, however, almost never gets addressed and talked about in these
kind of articles, namely when you and your soon-to-be/already-Ex have kids
together.
Besides all the good points already made, there’s the number one thing for you
to do: Be there for your kids and give them all the love you can possibly give
them. This includes hanging out with them as much as possible and never
talking bad about the other parent. Of course be honest about the state of
affairs, but do never forget…for the kids there’ll always be Mommy and Daddy
*as a unit*. Do not rob them of that security blanket because of your own
personal issues with your Ex…the kids have nothing, NOTHING to do with that!
If you can, try to maintain a dignified, workable and polite relationship with
your Ex. This will make many things a lot easier. Put your future and changed
relationship on the grounds, that while everything between you may now be at
opposites, you both love your kids and continue to act in their best
interests. If nothing else, they need to know that you do because you (both)
are the world to them.

27 John October 29, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Don’t forget to watch “Swingers” either!!

28 Bo January 26, 2010 at 9:47 pm

I am currently going through this right now after 3 years of living togther being engaged thinking I’d spend the rest of my life with her she decided we couldn’t work. She left moved away and left me to pick up the pieces. I become so dependent on having her around that Im not sure who i am anymore. Everyone says Bo be urself love urself but when ur going through it nobody can give the right advice. It’s funny things were easy are now hard. I don’t check the mail do dishes take garbage out any of the things that makes u Normal. I still have dreams I sleep 2 hours at night now sleeping pills do nothing drinking every day doesn’t do it. I considered my self secure I have a great job great fam lots of friends, but it’s the nights that kill me. It’s been 4 months since the break up but I still can’t close my eyes with out seeing her. I pray until I fall a sleep. Not to have her back cause that wouldn’t help I just pray the thoughts I have go away. Yes this is written the way a teen would write about how they feel cunning thing I’m turning 30 this year. I grew up with nothing dirt poor and if u would of told me when I was 15 that ud have a new house in the city brand BMW make close to 6fig have great fam and friends only thing that would be missing is that other person I would of said I’ll take it in a heart beat. Nothing matters if ur not happy with urself I’m in a bad spot. If anyone reads this and can give me advice I’d like to hear. Someone said life starts the minute u want it too. I just need to start…

29 bzb February 15, 2010 at 8:37 am

@Bo: second that.
Sorry, mate, I do not have answers, I have the same situation and questions. Our lives were so boundeled together, now I feel I lost my half. The better one.
More than 5 years are gone. Just gone.

30 heart broke March 8, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Bo and bzb,
I have just been handed my heart on a platter as well. I have been in love with this woman for 5 years. Now I find out she is talking with her ex again and i call her on it and she says i invaded her privacy. She said she would never stop talking to him and said its him over me. Its killing me, i cant sleep, eat or most of all stop thinking of her. I agree this is some good info on this site, but when will my heart feel whole again?

31 seashells March 8, 2010 at 10:17 pm

I should really follow some of the advice on this site.. I can’t help but think about my recent ex.. 2 years of not only being together but living together for the full 2 years… being alone in a bed again is horrible, not only that but I’m still not 100% on why we split up.. there is some major closure issues going on here.. but she doesn’t want to see me or spend a second of the day talking to me about anything to do with it.. obveously It’s hurting her too when she thinks about me.. but at the same time.. I wish I could understand.
I only have 2 fears in the world, number 1 is being alone.. and number 2 is the unknown.. since being alone means that the unknown preys on my mind.. so sleeping is a real issue for me.

What should I do? I want to speak to her but she absolutley refuses to talk to me, not because I did anything wrong.. usually when two people argue isn’t it right to discuss what happened and why? :/

I’m sitting up at 3 am 1 month on to the day since I last made love to her, and last slept in the same bed as her.. and I feel like crap.

32 Jarrett Pappas March 20, 2010 at 9:38 pm

@ seashells:

I honestly know how you feel. My girlfriend of a couple years (who I was also living with) left me for her ex in a freaking heartbeat. At first it was like hitting a brick wall.

Really the only advice I can give is forget and move on. I know at first it’s hard to forget her, just try and surround yourself with other people (like friends!), it helps loads. Though if your friends seem a bit busy, Johnny Walker will always take your call!

33 J March 31, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Breaking up is like diarrhea: when it happens, it’s so painful you feel like your insides are violently trying to escape your body, but when it’s over, you think hey, it wasn’t that bad. Or compare it to running a marathon, with your lungs on fire, when you finish, it’s “that was OK, let’s do it again”.
To get over a break up: Do things that make you feel better about yourself. (Improve your self-esteem). This is not the same as doing things to feel good, such as getting drunk (though that helps too, at least in the short term). Do chores around the house. Mow the lawn, paint the fence, fix the ceiling fan. That major project you’ve been holding off on? Now is the time for it. Make a to-do list. Other things: learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Train for a career change. Reinvent yourself. Always strive to make yourself better. If you get back together or not, who cares, you’ve made yourself better either way.
Through all this, do NOT forget your kids, if you had any with her. They are more important than petty squabbles, and more important than your own life, IMO.

34 Lenny April 21, 2010 at 11:35 pm

Awesome write up. Today marks the 7th week since my ex-gf of three years broke up with me. It’s been an awfully tough road but I have made a lot of progress since.
Here are some pointers that helped me get through the worst of it that I’d like to add.

It’s all about recalibrating your mental, sexual, and social routine. This will mean nothing to you if you just broke up. If you read this again after a month or so, it’ll take on a whole new meaning.

1) Do not think about what she is doing. If you can conquer this step you will make so much progress. It’s not smart and unproductive to use your brainpower thinking about what she’s doing. Take her off facebook, remove mutual friends, throw out pictures, change the radio if a song is on that reminds you of her. In the beginning they all do. Just do what you have to do to cut all ties.

2) You have a mourning debt to pay and there are no shortcuts around this. Getting wasted and trying to nail chicks in the club will not heal your wounds and end up making you feel worse.

3) Stay out of your apartment during weeknights between the hours of 6pm-10pm until you’re ready to hang out there by yourself.

4) Enlightenment Phase. Break ups are a great way to realign your perceptions and go after the life you always imagined for yourself. Chances are that your peen’s agenda kept you in this relationship for much longer then you were supposed to be in it. Set a goal and be ok with not having sex for the next 4 weeks. You’re used to having at will and now that’s gone. This is your recovery period and your time to get your head right. Don’t think with your d. Look what happened to Tiger.

5) Track your progress. Four weeks ago I was listening to Bob Dylan’s version of “Yesterday” on repeat for like two hours. Now I listen to it and laugh because I can realize how much progress I’ve made since Day 1.

35 Wes June 14, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Here’s what you need to know about your ex:
1) If they left you with no explanation after a few years of dating, you will soon realize that you’re better off without her. Cowardly women who run away and pursue self interests without having the decency to close the door behind them will forever be in unstable relationships. You got lucky. Take your out. Imagine if she did this when you had kids!?!?!
2) Your mind will play tricks on you. You fought, she didn’t make you a great person, and you weren’t really as happy in the relationship as you think you were. If you’re lucky, she’ll find another dude to deal with her bs and you can walk away clean.
3) The Rebound Depression: If she’s with another guy immediately after the break up, you may start feeling like you really want her back. Don’t do that. This is your self-esteem trying to protect itself. Stop. Think about this: She is a parasite. An organism that can’t live alone and needs another for food, habitat, and support in order to survive. Do you really want to be with someone who just leeches off you and gives you nothing in return? Be happy that you’re parasite free and know that there are so many women who have whatever one redeeming quality your ex does, and many many more.
4) If you thought that you were happy with this self-interested nutcase, imagine how happy you’ll be with a woman who brings the best out of you—the woman of your dreams. She won’t pull this bs on you and will be the woman you always imagined that you’d marry.

“In fact, women are all perverse by nature. They are deeply self-centered, grasping in the extreme, devoid of all susceptibility to reason, quick to indulge in superstitious practices. They are clever talkers, but may refuse to utter a word when asked even some unobjectionable question. One might suppose this meant they were cautious, but they are equally apt to start discussing, quite unsolicited, matters better passed over in silence… How disagreeable it is to be forced to cater to their wishes in order to please them. What woman is worthy of such deference?” — Tsurezuregusa of Kenko, 1332.

36 BadGoat40 June 15, 2010 at 3:25 pm

This article and a lot of these comments are right on point. To tack on to this, there should have been a comment about “being friends”.

Hear me now, and listen to me later… NO MAN SHOULD EVER BE FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN (or man…hey, this is 2010) THAT BROKE UP WITH THEM.

You can be civil, if there are kids involved. You can be professional, assuming you were with a co-worker. But friendship is out of the question.

Why? This is basically about the other party having it both ways. They get kindness, attention, and affection. But they won’t have to return it. This will be given to someone else. Someone…that IS NOT YOU.

Being friends after the breakup is not equitable and it will not serve you in any way. If your heart is tied up, there’s no room for someone else to enter your life romantically.

37 Hannes June 18, 2010 at 5:02 am

@Wes

Thank you.
It feels like you wrote that comment for me.
You are my new hero!

38 Dange June 21, 2010 at 6:53 am

This is a great website. It’s awesome to see that there’s a community of dudes out there giving each other support/advice on this issue!

I’m trying to deal with the aftermath of a 4yr relationship break-up. It is hard, but I’ve since planned a trip overseas (which will include some volunteer work), learning a language, begun playing in a band again (and it’s only been two months since the breakup!)

I agree with some of the comments before: Now is the time to focus on self-improvement. The post relationship months offer the best chance to focus solely on yourself.

39 Hercules October 1, 2012 at 10:58 pm

. My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me. I’ve truly never felt this low before. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m a freshmen in college and that or my job just don’t feel important anymore. Sleeping now is going to be so tough.. I wish there was something I could do to keep myself busy for most of my days. I have plenty of time on my hands now and need something to do with it. Any advice? I was thinking something like some kind of manual work? I don’t really have any hobbies either. I want to met someone else but want to wait for that at the same time.

40 Kratos October 2, 2012 at 8:14 am

Hercules, it’s gonna get better man. Seriously.
Meanwhile, search the net for two good forums dealing with such issues, where you can find alot of support: ENA (E Not Alone), and Loveshack.
Unforfunately this is an old article so I reckon you won’t get much help here.

41 sergio October 3, 2012 at 10:42 pm

My girlfriend Of 5 years just broke up with me the hardest part of this whole ordeal, is that we have been living together for about 2 years. It is a very hard thing to go through, but I keep telling myself that I was the cause of the breakup. We argued for about 2 weeks and didn’t talk much after. I’m actually sleeping by in another room and we still arent talking after 3 weeks.. I have tried to talk it out but I think she’s done… I have just been going to work come home go to the gym for like 3 hours a night then sleep. Somethings gotta give I have to find a place so I can get a piece of mind..

42 sergio October 3, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Hercules… Hey Man hit the gym and start looking out for yourself.. your still have pain in your heart but the gym will help you relieve stress, make you feel better about yourself and it’s good for you.. plus hey…. chicks dig a guy with a nice bod… lol next thing you know your gonna have so many girls, your gonna regret you ever had a relationship… keep your chin up fellas.. you just have too.

43 Mr. Gray October 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I gave into my temptation to check up on my ex on facebook one day and I found that it fortified my lack of feelings for her anymore, It was at that precise moment that I actually moved on.

Maybe sometimes giving into your temptations isn’t a bad thing.

44 Dmitry October 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I have been in a long-distance relatinship that lasted a year a and a half which ended, 2 years ago this november. Ever since then I can’t rget her completely out of my mind. Sometimes I convince myself to move on and pursue a different girl, but somehow I always bounce back. It’s a deep groove. Of course, I’ve considered the fact that I might be idealising her, but in all honesty I don’t believe that. She was a great catch and I lost her because I was too selfish, too stupid and too reluctant to take responsibility. Long-distance is generally tough, especially if you’re of a sensitive-romantic disposition. Bottom line is, this relationship is still haunting me and I keep asking myself whether I should go after her and reclaim the person I so love and miss? I am young and have a lot of life to live, but again and again I find myself back at square one and filled with regret.
I don’t enjoy asking for help in this matter, but I do feel that I need to be outward about it to solve it.

45 S October 17, 2012 at 8:06 am

Great article. Some more insight I would add – think biology! helps me a lot in this situations. She wanted something in you, you didnt have it so she left…and yes more often than not its something you have litle or no control about – like money or looks or the right family name (forget all the excuses she gives). So? thats pure biology, all females want something in males, even in the animal kingdom. Lesson? keep moving until you find a female who is ok with what you have, and as you move, work on improving yourself, go to school, hit the gym, keep young and healthy, organize your finances etc…the more you show that you are in control of your issues, the more attracted they gonna be to you. So just man up and do your thing, its all biology. its worked for me through and through – just by maintaining my independence and improving my life, lots of the ex-gals have come back knocking!

46 terry October 23, 2012 at 10:18 pm

my gf broke up with me 4 dyas ago..she was deciding on me and another dude that i knew abt. she was up front with me back in april that she was talking to somebody else because i had lost my job and moved a hr away. i said i want to still talk to her because at the time we were trying to work things out. we had been together for 2 yrs at that point. but thru april till sep i just couldnt take the fact that she was talking to another dude even if i did agree that it was ok. she always said that my stability was a issue and that she did not want to resent me in the future if she was stable and i was not.she told me she needed a break to figure out what she wanted to do. then she called me 3 weeks later and told me. the worst!!! she told me that it was not gone work, the shit blew my mind. she said that the other dude had the career, and stability she wanted for her future.i cried, and cried as i asked her why. she cried also as she was listening to me.i am so damn hurt, i am 28 yrs old and this is my 1st heart break. i cant eat, sleep, i cant focus i cant do shit!! its like i have good days where im like” ok im good”, then a hr later im crying…this shit hurts bad!! myself esteem is low, my whole confidence is just shot. she said she still wants me in her life as friends, but i cant do that.as a man i cant be cool with a woman who i thought was the one..this shit feels like a bad dream and every time i wake up i feel like ok she will call me. i thought abt ending my life for a brief sec but then i snapped out of it. the reason why im taking this break up so hard is because i put her on this pedastool.i made her a priority over my own life! my whole existence was based off her.big mistake to do fellas. a person should make you happier with your life, not happy because you have them. and thats where i went wrong, i created this world were nothing existed but “her”. so now here i am hurt, sad, unemployed and confused. and u wanna kno what? the sad part is that if she called and said i made a mistake, i would honestly take her back!! i know.idiot. but im being honest.again its only been 4 days, but to know that its really over is traggic..im tearing up as i write this, but ill stay strong….ps..im really hurt..like for real smh

47 Taylor October 31, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Going through a lot of similar stuff to the other guys on here. My ex and I broke up about a month ago after being together for 5 years. My friends are calling it the “5 year hump” which is basically the idea that everyone will encounter, around their 5th year, a bump in their relationship that either makes it or breaks it. Without too much background into my situation, all you need to know is I was the cause of it. I didn’t do anything heinously wrong, it was just the accumulation of a lot of things I had been doing wrong for a long time. I wasn’t 100% honest with her or myself for a long time and had always been playing it safe. Some of what made dating me exciting for her, I let slip away.

Which leads me to my first advice for guys through a break up or currently in a relationship: put everything out there. Be completely honest with her and yourself at all times and if you’re lucky and found the right girl (like I had) she’s going to love you for all your messed up shit regardless. For me, I thought I’d lose her love if I wasn’t what I thought she expected of me but those flaws and weird things were something she was looking for and in most cases were what would have made our life together more exciting! Also, if you’re not upfront with her and yourself, you’re not going to be completely happy. You can be all-out in love with her and happy with your relationship but you need to be happy with yourself at the same time. I was unhappy with myself and she became unhappy with the relationship.

After doing pretty much everything wrong to get her back, begging and trying to talk her out of it, I’ve pushed her even further away and she’s been staying at a friends (we live in the same house with mutual college friends). I turned over a new leaf real fast though and committed to improving myself. I’ve lost 50lbs, gained a lot of muscles, went and got my long hair cut to look more like an adult, been less lazy, reconnected with friends and started to pour myself into my studies. I’m comfortable with who I am and know that self-esteem is what she was looking for.

So, I guess to get to the point, I have two problems: 1) I’ve improved myself so much that I feel I deserve a second shot. I’m honestly a new guy and it’s the one I’ve always wanted to be but was too afraid to admit to. 2) She said so, as we were breaking up, if the things I revealed in the week after had been revealed a week before we broke up, we’d still be together and we’d be much happier. And I’ve learned so much more since then!

This got lengthy but I also have to ask, what if you know she’s “the one”, the girl who uderstands you completely, still loves you, but is afraid you can’t change? There’s a lot of advice for breakups where it’s explained away with “it wasn’t meant to be” but in my case I feel it was and I managed to screw that up. I’m fighting to show her I’ve changed but do I stand a chance of getting her back or was it seriously the most monumental fuck up of my life?

48 Taylor October 31, 2012 at 4:50 pm

@Terry

You’re going to feel that way for a while. I’m of the opinion that if you even think she is “the one”, you have to operate towards that goal. That’s not to say you should pursue her or stalk her or have any direct involvement with her. The only way I shake the depression is by approaching the whole situation as an opportunity to fix the parts of me I dislike. Clean yourself up, do something different, try to reinvent yourself while you have this chance. The way to win a girl back (the strategy I’m employing currently at least) is to correct yourself, Own up to what’s wrong with you and if you can change it, do it because it makes you a better man. The flaws that aren’t fixable, you have to accept about yourself. You have to love yourself for someone else to learn to love you also. Everything is about growing and she’s doing that too. Just make sure your growth is positive, that you think of all the heart-ache as an ingredient in tempering who you are, and come out, probably still hurt over her and more than likely missing her, but more confident in yourself and feeling like you improved your own life.

More than anything though, don’t let yourself sink to the level of depression where you consider taking your own life. If you feel yourself going there, immediately reach out to a friend or a family member. Those people love you and want more than anything to show you the love you need to get through those times. I guarantee you’d rather have an awkward conversation about your relationship with your brother or parents than wallow in that kind of depression.

Buck up. Things have a way of turning around, even if they take forever to do so. :D

49 robkarp November 6, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Nice, but how do you cope with a divorce that resulted from a cheating wife. I’m afraid I have made many mistakes in my situation.

50 Ashley December 4, 2012 at 3:23 am

Guys, these forums really do help. All of the above mentioned stories of relationships that end seem to effect us in the same ways. I wish i had read sooner as my way of deaoing with the situation was to try and win my GF back. Rather than giving her teh space and time she asked for. Not the best idea. As looking at it now, she has told you how she feels and you have to respect that decision. Easier said than done. Its only been 4 weeks for me so far, and i am still upset about the situation. But have joined the gym, make more plans with friends and just occupy your mind with other things. I hope that by cutting the contact altogether whilst setting myself other goals may eventually bring us back together. If this doesnt happen, then time really is a healer. You will perhaps never know the exact reasons for a breakup, and its the unknown that often causes the pain, as you try and make the answers up yourself. 2 things to keep busy Body & Mind. And make sure your never too proud to speak to friends and family about your problems. There is no shame in feeling sad, its part of being human. I hope i can take my own advice here, and succeed in being happy again. Good Luck All..

51 leafguy December 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

@ Ashley and others: I’m seeking more support than I’ve been able to pickup form the posts.

You hit the nail right on the head. My break up is more recent than yours, only 10 days old. Dated for 5-months without a fight or disagreement or any indication there was anything wrong. Both of us living on cloud 9 so to speak. Until a week prior to the break-up, I could tell something was wrong. I asked for her to talk to me, talk through her feelings….now I regret it because I feel like that pushed her more. Maybe it is sped up the break-up more and saved face from deeper hurt months down the road. I was reassured nothing was wrong between us and that she was going nowhere, saying this a week prior, until BOOM, being told things are not going to work. She basically used the “its really not you…its me” routine. And I really believe her…this was a 10 out of 10 relationship from my point of view, she agreed with one exception. She feels to be compatible long term a few things would have to change, I’m willing to make small changes to make things work, whereas I don’t think she’s capable. She feels no one should have to make changes to themselves, but I disagree with that. Everyone can make changes to better themselves even if it is suggested by your partner. Doesn’t mean you’re changing because you were told to, its because you want to in order to better yourself and to make it work. I’m talking simple handling of life events, handling of finances, etc….basically she says both the ways we handle things aren’t right or wrong, they are just different. And for that, this is her reason for stopping things now. I believe we can work through this and “compromise” when it comes to these life differences. I feel she has run away from something that was perfect for both of us, using this as a way out because things were too perfect…instead of attempting to work through her issues on it.

SO now I sit here 10 days later (post-breakup), still in contact via text (from both sides), still waiting for a sit down talk somewhere quiet to discuss and air my feelings on the situation. I’m at a loss now as to whether I should pursue a sit down meeting at all, or leave it until she asks to. After seeing all the posts saying FULL removal of contact all together is the only way to get over it….and to give her the space she may need in my opinion is going to be very tough. Still sitting here confused wanting a fully disclosed answer and at the same time trying to accept her decision….a decision I told her I’d respect BUT never understand.

And what everyone has said in this forum about not understanding fully why this break up happened is what makes it more confusing to me and makes it even more difficult to deal with. BUT, I feel more explanation is required and at the same time I feel I should no longer pursue this based on previous posts from others since it was her decision.

Reeling from the pain of wanting to see her and work through things….but don’t want to push. Have that empty hole that everyone is talking about and some anxiety to boot. I still hang onto the thread of hope that she will understand from my point of view that things can work and that its not written in stone that it can’t. I feel I need closure to put things to bed in my head…can’t get over the overwhelming feeling that I need to know and understand her decision in order to let it go. Until then this pain and anxiety won’t go away.

Any input is appreciated.

52 Tank December 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

One piece of advice I can offer is to get over the idea of a woman being “the one”. For a long time I thought like this as well and then tragedy struck. My girlfriend and unborn child were killed in a car accident. I was totally devastated by the situation and on top of that thinking at the age 22 that I had lost the love of my life and would never find it again. I’m here to tell you that love is out there and it takes time to find it but once you do we all know how it makes us feel.

53 John December 30, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I was dating my ex for six months when it all exploded right before X-Mas. I called her one night upset about some family news and asked to come over. She told me she was doing laundry and had other things to take care of. I pleaded to just be allowed to come over and stay out of her way and just hang on on her couch – I just didn’t want to be alone. She refused. That night she sent me a one sentence email saying she hoped I had a good night. It felt like I received a form letter! I was crying to her 4 hours prior! Long story short I shut her out for a week (missing her company’s X-Mas party) and when we spoke a week later I was hit with insults, barbs and reasons why we were never good together. When I offered to drop off her things and pick up my stuff she replied that doing that seemed so final! She was going to go away to visit family for a week for the holidays and then decide whether we should be friends or not! I refused to wait for her decision. I spent X-Mas alone and got a card in the mail wishing me a happy holiday and new year. That’s it. Now the hardest thing is how to spend all of my free time. That, and trying to get a good night’s sleep.

54 Shak January 17, 2013 at 11:31 pm

This is amazing. I am going through a really disgusting break up and its extremely painful. Its not easy staying away….but i’m still trying. To anyone out there who thinks they are alone in situations like these, trust me you are not. The pain in wanting her back and hoping that she will come back is awful and we all feel it. Ignore these pains trust in yourself and be confident in your strength…that’s what i am trying and i am not perfect and i suck when it comes to believing in myself but i will get it soon and you can too.
This article really helped alot. i wish i could see more on this topic but i guess this kinda sums it all up.

55 Stick January 20, 2013 at 1:20 am

Damn. Just got hit with the breakup news today. It was 9 months about a week ago. Hurt like a son of a bitch, but its times like these where you gotta man up.

The worst is the “I still love you, but we need to take a break”. Or the “Lets just be friends”. As Larry the Cable Guy put it, thats like saying the dog died, but you can still keep him if you want to.

56 Erin February 17, 2013 at 3:40 am

Hi.

I’m a woman and came across this article (which can be applied to any break-up–man, woman or in between) when looking for advice about how to deal with a break-up of my own.

The article is great. Very mature perspective. And I’m thrilled that there are websites out there discouraging childish and violent retaliations, but instead promoting an adult and reasonable response to heartbreak.

However, I was taken a back by a few of the comments made about women. I believe “Phillip” called most women “opportunists”. And then this guy, a “man” named “Wes”, calls women “parasites” and uses some 14th Century quote to describe females (which is like using a 14th century quote to discuss your views on slavery–times have changed, may I remind you). The quote said this:

“In fact, women are all perverse by nature. They are deeply self-centered, grasping in the extreme, devoid of all susceptibility to reason… — Tsurezuregusa of Kenko, 1332.

I would caution the readers of this article and its commenters not to take out your pain on ALL of womankind, and not to label them as ‘this’ or ‘that’ in order to make the pain you’re feeling be any less than what it is–painful. That won’t work. There are tons and tons of wonderful women out there and just because someone doesn’t handle themselves well (or the way you would want them to) during a break-up does not mean they are scum and should be compared to devious snake opportunist princesses.

Break-ups are hard for women, too. Cripplingly difficult. You may not hear from your ex, but that does not mean she’s not crying into her pillow every night or wandering around the house in a her pajamas like a zombie calling in sick to work day after day and watching 16 Candles and Say Anything on repeat. Even if she appears to have “moved on”, there’s still pain there for her, I promise–especially after separating from someone she’s spent so, so much time with. It hurts, no matter who you are. We all show our pain and deal with it in vastly different ways–male, female, or in between.

In fact, her “moving on” so quickly may be a desperate attempt to distract herself from the hurt she’s also feeling. She’s dealing, in her own way, healthy or not, effective or not, so let her deal. You may not like it, she may not have checked with you first (and by the way, she doesn’t need your permission to grieve in whatever way she needs), but it’s not your concern anymore. You’re not together. It’s over. So focus on yourself. Let go. Whether you consider her way of dealing or moving on “appropriate” only shows how much YOU are still holding on. Let. Go.

Plus, there are men out there who do some HORRIBLE things to women, and I have been with a few of them, but does that mean I turn around and denigrate the entire male sex/gender just because a few dudes treated me like crap? No…

It means that I had to start looking at the type of partner I was choosing, and at the quality of their collective characters. Your role in this whole thing may be that you’re choosing to fall for people who treat you like crap, or people who don’t share your values for respect, or any number of things. Utilize this time to take RESPONSIBILITY for your part and look into any unhealthy patterns you may be perpetuating. Believe me, you may not be able to admit it now, but you played a part. Look at yourself, what you can control, what you contributed, what you can change. And stop shooting arrows at some other group (women) as being the omnipotent fault bearers.

Like I said. Break-ups are very, very challenging–some of the most painful and desperate and soul searching times of our lives. A real man has the dignity to just weather the pain he’s feeling instead of pointing a target at other’s as though he were a victim. Women are not victimizers and you’re not a victim. Don’t act like it. It’s very, very unattractive.

57 Chris February 18, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Erin, thanks for sharing some insight into the woman’s perspective. Especially regarding the possibility that we may be misperceiving the meaning behind a woman’s actions, and that she may be in fact hurting inside during the time we think she has completely moved on and is unaffected by the situation. I’ve been inclined to think this is wishful thinking– but what do I know?

I agree, that 14th Century quote to describe females across the board was certainly uncalled for. There are certainly women who fit that mold but to regard all women that way is unfair and demeaning.

Otherwise I am impressed with the level of maturity and encouragement in each of the postings. One thing that I found lacking is the spiritual component, where is God in all this hurt? Why are we hurting so much? Are we idolizing our women, and expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can provide?

I see people still hurt after 4-5 years…. that seems quite excessive, how come those guys have been unable to move on?

I’m posting this after a recent break-up– the hurt is indescribable but everyone here seems to be able to relate. Trying to recover.. I think I’ve gotten closure recently– i wonder if that’s something we really need in order to heal quickly and completely?

I am reminded about a quote from C.S. Lewis about love and heartache:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

58 Nitin Jain February 22, 2013 at 4:34 am

Thanks to all, this has really helped. I wasn’t even beginning to realise that a break up has happened and kept thinking that things will get normal, we will just hug and kiss each other and all the problems will go away. Reading through the posts made by all of you have at least got it in my head that a break up has indeed happened and ofcourse some of the posts give you a good direction on what you do next.

59 CBG February 27, 2013 at 3:17 pm

It’s been 119 days since I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly seven years. My situation is different in that I was the one who ended it. I always thought I was a mature, responsible 29-year old who could handle any situation, but I really was not prepared for my decision. Our relationship had been deteriorating and it would have been unwise to keep it going, but I was the one who had to find the courage to speak up.

Each of the 119 days has been a learning experience. I have good days and I have horrible days; when it’s bad, it feels like it can’t get any worse, and when it’s good, it’s just okay. I grapple with emotions of regret, doubt, loneliness, and finally optimism regularly. I am propelled by my belief that everything happens for a reason and that I am still on the path that I am destined to be on, and I just have to accept that. But I dread having to face my fears and start new relationships all over again. My relationship had become my safety blanket, and she was my best friend when we were good. Having to lose that abruptly is like waking up with amnesia.

Today, the 119th day, has been difficult. Writing this comment has helped. You just have to find a way to solve each day, and cling to your belief that your life will unravel the way it is supposed to be.

60 EDC February 27, 2013 at 4:16 pm

CBG

I’m with you on a lot of what you say. We weren’t together as long as you were, but, she was my best friend and there’s a big old hole in my life. Doesn’t help that I recently moved for work and so am away from my friends and family.

Chin up fellas. Use this time to reflect and concentrate on becoming stronger. Sleep, exercise, go to work, eat your veggies and whatever you do, don’t be afraid to phone your mum : )

61 paul March 12, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Hi all
i was in a long distance relationship for 3 years and had six-eight vacations together.Have thousands of mails and letters saying how wise ,strong ,great…..our love was.Though after reading all the above posts …..most of my things have been either answered or clarified to great extent.its been three weeks she broke up…..and each night i get up in between and search for her and morning has never gone by when am not thinking of her…though with time and above posts…its lowered on richters scale
BUT I JUST WANNA KNOW ONETHING

@erin and if somebody else can answer ill really appreciate…!!

when i could see she wants to break up ……..we both were hurt and just few hours later when i am in deep pain…she is in arms of another guy…..skating around and to me…much fine
if erin says ….let it go and its her effort to move on or distract herself, fair enough ,i got nothing to say , but what my mind wants to know is…..how this happens that u sleep the very next nite with someone…..hugging the way u hugged ur previous bf or in no time u have started sharing a smile with an another person
Its none of my business….i got it….roger…true……….BUT explain me the business
is it like a robot who gets his programme changed or updated next minute
i have read all above posts and all we r talking is find/love ur ownself,gym,work,many good posts…..aimed towards moving us on and feel better but how it works for a women……(again i got no business…as erin said)…but just for my knowledge
grab another guy who was always winking at u
next day…..camp out…bike out
and next day same hug goes to him
and she has something to say to u too…that i had it all for u….but its u who lost me…….!!!!COMON MAN ITS KINDA UNNATURAL
sorry guys but do share what u feel about it

62 Richard March 22, 2013 at 6:50 am

I’m married but I’ve been seeing a girl on the side for a couple of months. Finally I came to my senses and realised this wasn’t a good thing for me to be doing as it was affecting my marriage, and well, it’s just wrong. I broke it off with the girl last night and have tried to stay friends with her but unfortunately she fits into your category of furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut and doesn’t want to speak to me ever again. So I have to deal with the double-whammy of dealing with the guilt – knowing that I’ve hurt this girl, plus dealing with the pain of losing her as well.
This article offered me some good advice – thank you.

63 Wheel March 25, 2013 at 2:14 am

Great article and there’s a few in there that I hadn’t thought of so thank you.

My girlfriend and I broke up just over 2 weeks ago after surviving an amazing and a very satisfying 14 month long distance relationship. She no longer wanted that for herself nor felt that she could cope with the heartache and emotional challenges of a long distance relationship. I could still hold on but understood the pain that she was feeling. We had no workable plan to be together. Bottom line was that we wanted more for each other and couldn’t settle for giving each other like 30% of we had to give each other because of the distance apart. And I was not able to secure a job in her city across the other side of the world. Vancouver you suck when it comes to engineering jobs!!! It’s heartbreaking, painful, sad, paralysing and at times very frustrating. I feel anger at the circumstance, a circumstance that I could not change. There’s no way around it, we have to feel this. How could we not after such a loving, romantic and deeply enriching relationship? The best path forward was to go forward separately (GOD DAMN IT).

What I’ve learned so far is:
1. Its okay to feel sad, it’s okay to cry (forget what your mates tell you), its okay to feel down; its okay to curl up and feel like it’s the end of the world.
2. There’s no time limit to healing. Some heal faster, some heal slower. Take the time you need. If you feel stuck, see a therapist. I have in the past and will be shortly (even though I’m not stuck).
3. If you have close friends (preferably female), talk to them. The more you talk about it the more you’ll realise that you’re not the only one that’s going through this experience. If you don’t, see a therapist (I don’t have one close friend where I am so I’ll be seeing my therapist just to chat to).
4. Stay off the booze. As tempting as it may be, it will only lead to numbing the feelings which need to be released. If not, you’ll find that they’ll come out eventually and involve a bar fight, road rage or total destruction of your furnishings. Trust me, I’ve been there.
5. Shake up your routine and try something new.
6. Believe that you will survive because history has shown that you will.
7. Reflect on what you learnt from that experience about yourself and what you want or don’t want in a future relationship.
8. Let the other person be. You’ve loved them for the time you’ve been with them and probably have a lot of respect for them. Be happy for them even if they aren’t with you.

Enough from me, I’m off to shed a few. Yes it hurts and will continue to be gut wrenching for some time.

64 JM April 6, 2013 at 12:25 am

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I’m not really sure what happened. She had been upset at times during the relationship and expressed this to me, but it would seem to come and go, but never be anything too serious. I went away for spring break, and when I come back, she tells me there’s someone else. She didn’t cheat on me, but at a time when I wasn’t around (about 2 weeks), this other guy was. I went to see her to talk about things and hopefully work through her doubt, but 20 minutes later I was on a train back to my apartment. The next day she told me she was starting to have feelings for this other guy. We didn’t speak for a week, and Tuesday she told me that she thinks she made the right decision. My world is upside down right now. We’re young (21, 20) but I really saw myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I’m holding on hoping that this is just a temporary thing, a phase that she’ll snap out of, but each day that seems less and less likely. I just don’t understand how you could go from being in love one week, to noting literally a week later. I’ve tried to keep contact to a minimum, but its so hard to sit here helpless. I’ve lost my best friend and the girl that I’m in love with. She was my first girl friend, and so this is my first real heartbreak. I know that she needs to do this right now, and I’m hopeful about the future, but I don’t know how to move on.

65 Nicky April 9, 2013 at 9:31 am

This is really good advice. Thank you.

66 john smith April 18, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Great article but I have one question. How do you get over the fact that you never received closure on why it happened? Both my previous relationships were great and then they both just stopped texting me. I think I wasn’t forward enough with the first one, but with this one, I thought I did everything right. I can’t get out of this honeymoon period in my relationships and I got closure from neither. Found out later on that the first one got a new boyfriend a couple months later and the one I’m going through now, I just don’t know. So how do I deal with not knowing why it didn’t work? I feel like I can handle a break up if I know what went wrong.

67 Marcus April 21, 2013 at 5:48 pm

Your level of depression over any set back in life is commensurate with your position in yours. If you have a job you hate (or no job), no money and nothing going for you, you’ll be devastated and it will be very hard to get over. If, on then other hand, you have a good situation going in your personal/professional life you’ll feel it but you won’t be crippled by it. It’s like getting a parking ticket. If you’re broke, have no job and you get that $75 ticket in ’87 Aerostar with no back window, you’ll spiral into the abyss. BUT, if you have secure and gainful employment and a couple hundred grand in the bank, BFD. Point is: shore up your insides first before life tries to gut you.

68 donkey April 22, 2013 at 6:30 am

Man I have to deal with this sh*t after 6 years of relationship. Its tough and it hurts like hell(I really love her) but I’ll survive, somehow, I always did ;)

69 Donny April 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm

My fiancee left me after 3 years, we tried staying friends. We ended up as friends with benefits. That lasted until a few weeks ago when I found out she was in a relationship with another man. It was like losing her all over again. This time I lost my temper and truly regret it. I think I was more upset by the fact that I became “the other man.” I never expected her to be “that” kind of girl. I’ve got to be honest I’m unsure if I’ll ever love again, even though I’m young (21). I know many will say “You’re just young.” or my favorite “There are plenty of fish in the sea, swim around a little.” I have little to no confidence due to several factors from my past, as well as an extreme weight problem because of a physical disability (this hasn’t stopped me from trying, but it’s a lot harder to lose weight without cardio.) I’m not looking forward to the next four or five years. I really dislike dating. I’m extremely uncomfortable meeting new people, especially being the size I am now and I don’t open up easily. I’ve got a long road ahead of me and boy is it gonna suck, but I’ll be a better person because of it.

70 Kurt May 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

The breakup happened yesterday. For me it felt like driving off a cliff, I totally did not see it coming. I decided that there are two ways to go about the situation. I can either be angry, depressed, and follow every emotion out there, or I can be thankful that it happened, pick my head back up and continue down the road I am traveling.

I feel like the latter of the two options will have an overall better impact on me. So that is what I am going to do.

71 JM May 25, 2013 at 1:00 am

Got a question about dealing with an ex post break up.

She broke up with me after 3 1/2 years and it was not mutual. She started a relationship with another guy immediately and has texted me 3 times over the past 2 weeks asking how I am. The most recent time she was literally begged me to answer.

Is it immature/ unmanly of me to ignore her texts? I’m trying to move on, she told me to not get hung up on this, but having her pop in on my life (which she is no longer a part of) does not help.

72 vm June 9, 2013 at 1:55 pm

JM…

The same thing happened to me not so long ago. I knew this woman in high school. We dated, then about 3 weeks in, she broke up with me. Well… 20 years later, thanks to Facebook, she finds me. We corresponded daily for over a year. I won’t go into too many details, but we ended up getting back together. Flash forward nine months. I learn from very reliable sources that she is sleeping with someone on the side. I confronted her in a rational and dignified manner. She admitted to it. So I went upstairs, got her suitcases, and helped her pack. She went to her mother’s, and I arranged to have her furniture and personal belongings delivered there. Done. End of story. While I was initially very upset, I soon got over it, and on with my life.

In January of this year, she got hold of my phone number. I spent over an hour with her on the phone, talking… working out why she did what she did. It was good for us, I think. When she asked if I would take her back… I said ‘ Not a chance in hell, love. You take care.’. Then I hung up.

No man deserves that kind of treatment. No man should be willing to accept that kind of treatment. You might as well have ‘Good Natured Doormat’ tattooed to your forehead. I realize you may still be in love or have feelings for this woman… but cowboy up and move on.

73 Euge June 14, 2013 at 5:57 am

Hi guys, stumbled across this site and read a lot of posts which have really helped. Currently going through a ‘break’ period with my girlfriend of 8 months. Not quite so straight forward so bare with me!

Met last April and pursued her for a while, while I was getting mixed signals – one moment I was convinced she wanted me back, the next not so much. We hooked up and saw eachother a few times but it always ended down to her. I even stood alongside as she lied and lied, seeing other guys wtc and deep down I knew it yet still wanted her for myself. Anyway after 4/5 months of madness in which my friends said ‘what are you doing mate shes bad news’ she finally decided she wanted me. (after she had been seeing this other guy) So I started the relationship against the better judgement of friends and family.

Went well for a while but then I noticed I never saw my friends, I’d spend my whole weekends with her and most nights in the week – I never had the free time I used to or time with my mates. I’ve been feeling low for a while and kept thinking I should end it but never had the bottle. Kept telling myself, dont be silly you do want to be with her. This must be the 3rd time we are having ‘space’ and deep down I know I should just leave it and move on but I keep going through the whole ‘ what if I never find someone else’ phase etc. We obviously have some really good times but why would I keep feeling this doubt if I knew it wouldnt work out? Sounds stupid I know and my friends are always on hand to help when I need a chat, but I don’t know what to do

74 Gus July 4, 2013 at 10:54 pm

JM
Know how you feel. Sure is tough when she dumps you , but wont let go huh?
I am in a similar situation, with a hottie for 8 years, 3 kids between u s, one each from previous marriages, one together. One argument too many, now has told me that she hates my first son . Says I swore at her, kicked me and my boy out , of the house i am paying for !! now wont tell me if we are done? WTF. Sleeping on my sister’s lounge, she insists i take the kids now ……..do i sell the house and start over?? tried everything, even wrote a contract between us, that she ignores, ……….lost in limbo……

75 thomas July 5, 2013 at 1:31 pm

I am managing…somehow…to get over a 4 year…serious relationship,where…my now ex-girlfriend,and I are not making any contact at all..I know nothing of what she is doing,where she lives…and have changed my mobile no…she doesnt have it….To the best of my knowledge,she may still be living in the same town as me..doesnt bother me….anymore….although…I will be courageous enough,and say..yes…I still do have feelings for her..but thats it…she knows where I live,but has not been to see me at all…she also knows where I work..but no contact..and my inner feelings are still hurting,but I am staying clear of the thought,of looking for someone else…just on 6 months now…and I am still strong…yes…Im feeling rather vulnerable..but thats it…I am just on my pension age…but still …as she used to put it…sexy/attractive man….

76 RAM July 5, 2013 at 1:42 pm

I have to say, the comments on this site were really beneficial to help me out.

Had a breakup with girlfriend of 9 months, where it wasn’t really a breakup. We were on a break and then I see her post pictures of a new guy she’s with on facebook – what a way to find out. This was just 2 weeks after our break.

Now guys, I made a lot of mistakes here. I never made enough time for her and was consumed with advancing my career. She is also with child from previous relationship, and works with me to boot.

This is excruciatingly difficult to have to see this person casually strolling by nearly daily. Most important thing with that is to not be blatant about your misery. We all get miserable during these things. Keeping your head up and walking proud like a real man will do wonders for you.

I sent her texts demanding to know what happened, and why – why she couldn’t inform me herself even. Her reply was that I was harassing her. How rude! I got fairly John Cusack, “What does it all mean” with it. Only yielded negative results.

My last response was to leave a letter on her front door explaining it was my fault, but that I wanted to talk to her for 2-5 minutes if she had a moment – though I wouldn’t pester her by calling.

The kicker? Amazing sex life. Fellas, I just majorly messed it up by not making enough time for her or interacting much with her child in this 9 month period.

In my situation and so many of yours as well, the best thing to do is to completely drop it, walk with confidence and look into improving yourself. Play the field even, but don’t let it get to the point where you are hurling insults at her as a way to beg for a response.

Friends, physical exercise and productive activity help tremendously. It doesn’t hurt to flirt with other girls in the office, just don’t be blatant about it.

Music is a great relief, but do NOT fall into those sappy depressing songs or you will dig a bigger hole of depression. Good BBQ also works well for lifting the spirits and is a manly food – just try not to overcrank your calories.

77 mag8 July 10, 2013 at 5:07 pm

Fellas- amazing posts…..thank you for taking the time to write. There is support in reading through these and also common themes. I got myself stupidly into a side relationship that was toxic. Despite that breakups are hard. I am in counciling and listened to Joel Holstein tapes. My tips:
1. Fake it til u make it – man up outwardly and grieve inward if needed. U need to get your confidence and self esteem back and u need to be proactive. Eventually u will get there.
2. Hit the gym….or kick it up a notch if u do already. The chemicals released are amazing andthe confidence u gain is tremendous. AND other women will notice (and as a bonus may mention in front of your x how great u look).
3. Be your own cheerleader. Yes rely on others as well by they may not always be there. Tell yourselfhow good u r and remind yourself of your assets.
4. DO not focus on the great past aspectss. Write down all the negative things…no matter how trivial. U will c things were not as rosey as u thought.

78 Nick July 12, 2013 at 7:14 am

xxx and I had been together for 16 years … since we were teenagers, we’ve bought houses and emigrated to another country together. I honestly thought I was in heaven ….. until a few days ago when she (almost) out of the blue said it wasn’t working. I admit we’d been having a few troubles …. i put it down to both of us having a stressful time at work (me) and study (her); I figured it would all be fine. I was wrong.
I’ve talked to mates and am going to see a psychologist next week. This has really hit me hard and reading all these comments made me realise i wasn’t the only person who cried like a little girl and buried themselves under the duvet and hoped the world would end. I’ve found the hardest thing to do is come home at night …. to an empty house with her stuff still around. I’ve worked late, hit the gym and done all the blokey stuff but it still doesn’t make it any easier when i put the key in the lock knowing what’s (not) on the other side of the door.
Initially i stopped eating (apparently that’s ‘normal’) but going to the gym soon fixed that right up! Worst thing about this though is that I still love her and, as we’ve been through so much (and there’s been so much), i still want to be friends ………. (and so does she) and yes i know (blah blah blah etc).
What I’ve found really useful over the last few days is writing stuff down. I started trying to say what i like / need in my life; then expanded it to try and see what I wasn’t getting in the relationship – and i was surprised to see so many gaps! Today i wrote down what i wanted to do (to keep me active) things like play a new sport, learn a language and reconnect with old mates (and yes i know tonight’s a Friday and i’m at home …..). My next stage is to try and act on them.
So, if you’re reading these comments and have just broken up and are doing / feeling non blokey things – it’s fine cos so am I!

79 brad July 25, 2013 at 6:50 am

Wes..others…thank you for caring enough to post inspirational thoughts.

80 Chan August 1, 2013 at 9:34 am

@Wes
Thank you. Your advice put a lot of things into perspective. I think this may be a turning point for me.

81 Rob August 27, 2013 at 10:17 am

Fellas, we all have our hearts broken a time or another. We have to look in the mirror and MAN up to realize where we went wrong and how did the relationship sailed to land of nowhere. Nowadays, I think it’s best to love someone with you mind instead of your heart. You can change your mind but the heart, well it’s a heart. Be strong, respect & love the man in the mirror no matter the adversity your going through. God gave us MAN style, wisdom, and game to get any women. Let that cheeseburger go and get you a nice Filet Mignon.

82 SuperFly August 30, 2013 at 8:52 am

Guys, just came accross this and after suffering almost for 6months post my ex fiance breaking it off with me – i have read many posts but nothing compares with this. I have realised that most of the break up was my fault and that at times I was the greatest fiance but also at times the worst. I didnt do great for her self esteem but never realised these things whilst i was in the relationship. Now I do and although the breakup was bitter and I probably will never speak to her again – I dont blame her, i just realise that I am not a perfectionsist and I have my flaws too. Its a very weird experience knowing you have lost something that could have been the best thing for you but more postively I have learned things now that I probably never would if i had stayed in the relationship and that means self growth – the most important thing for any person to become a better human being. My first love and hopefully one day she may realise how much I did care for her but just was not very great in communicating my thoughts. Thanks again to all. Let the journey begin.

83 Jaguar900 October 2, 2013 at 2:37 pm

A huge thank you, guys … this outstanding website and all your comments have made me stronger! – I’m over 60 already, and I had, for about 5 months, the happiest relationship with a woman in my entire life. When she ran into problms with her career, I tried to help her, and it became too complicated for her to understand, she suddenly announced that she “didn’t feel chemistry for me anymore”, flaked out and wanted “just to stay friends”.

As a first step, to keep my sanity, I did something that has helped me before in similar situations: I wrote a list of positive and negative aspects of the relationship, put it into Microsoft Office Word and updated it every time another important aspect came to mind. Pretty quickly, I understood that this relationship would have become a much bigger problem in the future, had it continued … and it was, actually, a blessing that it came to an end. I had to overcome a lot of resistance inside myself to sit down and type this list. But it has really, really tremendously helped me..

Es far as my ex-girlfriend is concerned, after her “no chemistry” statement, I immediately terminated communications with her and only answered briefly and positively, whenever she said hi. I just complimented her and wished her the best. Period. Interestingly enough, she started contacting me now every week, asking how I am, telling me what’s new in her life … in spite of the fact that, even during our best times, she had previously rarely ever sent me any answers or texts at all.

My list, however, is telling me: Unfortunately, only a miracle could provide a happy future together with her. So, I have given up hope. The sadness is still there … but I do not have the feeling of powerlessness anymore. More and more, I succeed in thinking about my own future, health, career, hobbies and staying in control without giving anything up to a woman who doesn’t even have the ability to take care of herself, rather than managing a successful partnership together with her man.

After 60 years of dating lots of women, 3 unsuccessful marriages, many horror stories of my own and among friends, I am now seriously contemplating staying single for the rest of my life. Even the most accomplished women with incredibly successful careers in the academic world … a physician, a sociologist, an anthropologist and psychiatrist among them … I could not believe the incapability of most of them to participate in a serious conversation without freaking out or at least losing their temper. Where are all those bright and smart and intelligent women the media is telling us about?

84 Beeboy October 11, 2013 at 3:57 am

I am glad I stumbled on this site…
I think it’s also important to understand that one partner is usually already ‘over’ the relationship before they cash in their chips. Sure there will be resonating tears on show, reminiscent of the time they ‘actually’ grieved the loss; don’t however get tied up thinking that the break up is an equal shock.
I would go as far to say that in many cases people behave instinctually like apes (which we are of course). By that I mean it’s not too far a stretch to come to the conclusion that you wait until you have a firm grip on the next branch before you let go of the current one.
Perhaps that’s why I am told to find someone grounded.
Unfortunately for me I have adopted the above as a rule – almost a certainty in fact! Whether it’s true or not it now taints all my relationships and leaves me expecting my partner to leave at any time. Something my current one appears to be doing now!

85 Transplant October 21, 2013 at 1:04 pm

AOH,
It’s been two months now since my unexpected breakup. I left my small town to move to England to study at Oxford and then Scotland for graduate school at St. Andrews. Before I left, mind you this was 8 years ago, I met a girl that would eventually change the landscape of my life.

We wrote letters the whole time I was away, though she always had a boyfriend and, eventually a kid with a man from her home town. When I moved back to the states she asked me what was the longest I’ve ever cared for someone and if there was ‘the one that got away’ – I was shy at first and told her that they all got away. She told me for her, it was 8 years and later said, ‘it was you; you were the one that got away; you were the one that I wished would have stayed and you were the one that I’ve loved longer than I can remember.’

Despite geographics and my transient life, we began a relationship and grew to believe that every void we’ve ever felt was because the absence of one another. The ‘it was you’s’ and ‘you were the reasons’ and variations of such sentiments littered our communiques. We became best friends and lovers quickly. We began planning our wedding in Scotland and engagement photographs. She remained in her small town and I took work in DC. I flew back on a few occasions and our chemistry seemed to be a mix of trashy romance novels and Shakespearean legacy. The last I spoke with her was the morning she broke up with me. She kissed me goodbye and told me she couldn’t wait to see me at lunch. She then texted me on her lunch break to get out of her life, that I wasn’t good for her and that she never loved me. I had no car as mine was 3000 miles away so I called my father who recently was hospitalized for a heart attack. He drove to get me and I flew back to DC without answers. She carried on with the ‘I miss yous’ and ‘I wish I could be there waiting for you after work(s)’. Eventually I left and moved back because I thought it was distance. When I moved back to the small town she was amazed that I loved her that much that I would change my life for her. She then said she thought being with me would mess up her life. She remains in that quiet town with all my intimacies and merits, including my university boxing clothes and my stories that I’ve never told anyone and soundings that were to be published. I went to collect it all back and said we didn’t need to see each other. I told her to leave it outside of her place and I’d pick it up. She nearly called the cops because I scared her, even though I told her I was coming. I’ve requested it all back for two months now; I said I’d even pay the postage but I haven’t seen any of it.

I’ve quietly driven myself mad about it all and haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a couple of months. It all continues to haunt me and I’ve allowed the ‘idiot guy gear’ to kick in on several occasions, saying, ‘You’ll never find someone like me again’ as well as regurgitations of her promises and words to me. I’m not sure what keeps me around, maybe it’s the story aspect of it all, the way that some relationships quietly bend the bounds of reality and fantasy or maybe it’s because I feel I’ll never meet anyone as ‘perfect’ as her. I guess I simply don’t know. The rational side of me says to leave her but the romantic side of me says stay. I’ve never been taught how to abandon someone I truly love and maybe it’s because she’s the only woman I’ve ever truly loved but regardless of which, I can’t seem to let go.

I feel bad because I know I shouldn’t be tormented or sad. I’ve lived a life of inescapable grandeur. I’ve been blessed and privileged. I can do anything I want in life but for some reason I was never able to go through any of the doors and even though she’s gone I still can’t. I have no excuse to not pursue a life of wealth and luxury but secretly, none of it has ever really mattered to me because I’ve always put ‘her’ before it all and finally, it feels, this ‘her’ had a face and it was when I had ‘her’, I finally had something to lose.

Some days are spent wishing I never met her, while other days feels like she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, despite the pain I feel now. Most days I wish I could just shake some sense into her, telling her, ‘Don’t let me be the one that got away again; I’m here,’ and some days I fear that if she ever does come back, all I’ll be able to say is ‘I gave you everything I had,’ and ‘I never left.’

Keep in mind, dear readers, there are two sides to every story and I’m sure she would tell it all differently, and mine is probably told through the lens of stringent emotion and rivering sadness. Any advice you all could provide would be greatly appreciated. With kindest regards, I remain

Very truly yours,
The Transplant

86 Smokeye October 23, 2013 at 7:11 am

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the advice and commenting on this very, very painful subject. It helped me to see that I’m not the only one.

Today, one week ago my girlfriend of almost 10 years broke up with me. For me out of the blue, for her; probably not so much. We’re both 23 and we did everything together. The breakup was devastating for me, for her, my family en her family. She told me she still loves me but not how she used to do in the past. She told me it’s better for us to go our own ways, but for me that seems impossible now she’s gone. I still love her and although she told me yesterday that she’s done with this relationship and doesn’t want any direct contact for a period of time. I still hope it’s all gonna be back to normal. I do realize this is probably not what’s going to happen. The last couple of days I feel sick all the time, find myself thinking about her and all we did those amazing 10 years. My job stops next week so I will have to start a new life without her even if this seems impossible for me to do. I was already seeing a ‘shrink’ before this happened and he told me to really do what I want now, to find myself. But at this moment I’m questioning everything, I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t enjoy my hobbies and don’t feel like going outside. Will this pain of 10 years lost ever vanish and will I be able to pick up my life?

She didn’t really say so, but something tells me the reason she left me is because I don’t have a proper job and she doesn’t see any future or perspective anymore. She also said we became too comfortable with each other and our relationship was getting more ”brother ‘n sister- like”.

One of the hardest things is that I know see feels really sad as well and that I cannot be there for her right now. After all we’ve been through together there is no way we can just disappear from each others lives. I am not ready for it yet, but I hope I will see what was wrong in this relationship and be friends with her. It’s hard losing your soul mate.

In the meanwhile I will keep strong and try to better my life and do what I have to do. I don’t feel like doing anything now but I hope there we be switch in my mind that will cause a better feeling.

I am sorry for my English, this is not my native language.

I wish all of you good luck with this pain, you’re not alone!

Yours truly,

Smokeye

87 Apprentice October 24, 2013 at 8:16 am

its been almost 2 months since my 10 years relationship going down the drain…
we actually ended it in 2012 but when i told her we need to stop meeting, and cut all communications she dont want it, we end up meet, going out together, taking a trip together again.. without any status.
i should have resisted my urges but i cant… she’s my life, she’s the only women i can open my heart too.

after we break up, we’ve been close again for 1 year and 5 months, during that time i should have been thinking about me more, but because of how close we were.. i was thinking that “i can fix this!” so i got distracted and focusing on fixing our relationship… then suddenly, she just stop contacting me, we dont meet, its started at early september.. then she just said that we’re over… she gave me my book of poems i made for her back in the days, the book that she said she never want to give back to me even if we are separated… and a month later i realised that she already found a new guy… i was devastated, i skipped work for 3 days, i didn’t eat, didn’t come out of my room, everything i see is desperation… lost almost 20 pounds of weight in 2 weeks time…
at first im still hoping that she will be back, but i know that is just my wishful thinking…

what i cant accept is why did she can treat me like a garbage? a stand up guy while she search for a new guy… and dumps me when she found one… even after 10 years of relationship…

how can someone that i thought she is by my side, treat me that way? how can be so evil?

i tried hating her… i remove everything, Facebook profiles, numbers, email etc. but everything just came crashing back at me again…

i might never recover from this pain, and im too scared to start a new one… this whole 2 months is just survival to me…

good to know that there are a lot of people experiencing the same pain as me.
and i wish everything will be alright for me also…

88 Ron October 30, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Well… I just got broken up with about an hour ago. I felt that this was coming..I mean I really felt this and almost envisioned that it would. I will say very honestly that it is my fault, especially the issue that led to the break up. My now ex is a successful and independent woman who has VERY strict standards of how she views a relationship. She divorced her ex husband because she “believed” him to be cheating after 24 years and this was never confirmed in anyway before the divorce. On to me, I am a very friendly guy by nature and that friendliness despite my best efforts leads me to be an open ear to people and of course women whom I just happen to get along better with in many cases compared to men. This has always been a point of contention with her and it boiled over when an female associate who works for the same organization as I do and whom Ive gotten to know on a professional semi personal level AND lives over 1000 miles away AND whom Ive never met or laid eyes on sent me an email to our joint professional account that contained pictures of a hairstyle that she was considering changing to. My ex has many of my passwords and she said she was logging into this account to find a document that I had sent her and she saw this email from this female acquaintance. Nothing more than a pic of Tyra Banks and her saying this is the type of color Im thinking about..what you think? Mind you, I didn’t even respond to the email and I had nothing to hide and I trusted my woman enough to have access to my personal info to find what she said she was looking for not to go opening emails that didn’t pertain to her. Long story short she broke up with me and while I am bothered and hurt, I wonder if this is truly my blessing because we had some other issues and I was no longer sure of where I wanted the relationship to go. I guess after 2.5 years if you can say to yourself…I don’t think I would marry her, I guess that’s really all she wrote at the end of the day any way right? I started asking myself, what am I doing in this relationship? She doesn’t believe in living together, has children that are a challenge in many ways and we just weren’t growing. In spite of all of that, I must say I really loved her, whether I was still IN love, I must say I began to question that and that was no longer fair to either of us. Although this hurts, Im thnking that this is a blessing for sure and that I just need to suffer through this for awhile and hope to come out as a better man at some point in the future. Tell me though, as a man who is a good guy, decent looking, gainfully employed, didn’t cheat, or date other women and publically claimed and acknowledge her as my woman, should she have broken up wth me because of some random woman 1000 miles away whom I have a professional/semi personal rapport with sent me a pic asking my opinion as a man? IDK..I hope some one sees and responds to this …thanks

89 Dash November 5, 2013 at 1:36 pm

I’am in the same boat as everyone here, a break-up from the person you love and consider your soul mate is the most excruciating pain mentally and physically someone can go through.

I been with my girlfriend for over 6 years, i’m 30 and my girlfriend is 25 and it finally ended yesterday the 5/11/13 after been given 4 months previously to sort out our relationship. 4 months ago when she ended it saying she wasn’t in her right mind career wise and the fact that I didn’t propose to her soon enough + a few other reasons, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach by Mike Tyson I was devastated and didn’t see it coming. You have a sick feeling your stomach, lose your appetite, unable to sleep and analyze everything that went wrong, I couldn’t take it and pleaded with her and talked her around into giving us another shot.

But within the 4 months I gradually saw the woman I fell in love with dissapear being cold and unresponsive it’s a surreal feeling to see the wonderful happy person that you known for the past 6 years and fell in love with just change and there is NOTHING you can do to get her back or “fix it” and as men we always try fix things.

I guess the break up the second time around weren’t as bad as the first and I thank her for giving us another try, but it still hurts like hell. I just can’t believe will never meet up again, but right now I have to accept that fact, I just don’t know what the future holds from here or where to go…

90 David November 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm

For the most part, I liked this article. It pretty much got to the point and had some good advice. I too would have liked to have seen more “What to Do” vs “What Not to Do”.
I’ve recently been broken up with. She is someone I love very much and would have done anything for. I just hate there’s nothing that can be done, but my goal now is to be free of her.

91 Karch November 24, 2013 at 12:45 am

Any advice on how to take a breakup you started? For me, it was just that I couldn’t stand to see what me being there did to her. Smart, funny and affectionate.. But over time she became dependent and not at all interested in me as to just the idea of me being there. After she told me she went on a date with some other guy I just had to get away. Any advice?

92 Jessica February 20, 2014 at 1:18 pm

Guys, I’m a female. I did a lot for my guy: Cooked, sex all the time, family, lots in common, I’m pretty/sexy and he was in love with me (all this per his opinion not mine!). Listen, all women are not parasites, selfish, etc. Anyway after 1.5 years he changed his mind about me, maybe cuz there was no chase anymore, he bolted. Broke my heart, I’m still wishing he’d come back. Yes, SOME women are selfish, users, etc. Not ALL of them so please don’t think that! Just like there are bad guys, there are bad girls but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. After you heal, get back out there or even before you heal. Hey, a rebound relationship isn’t a crime as long as you tell the girl you just came out of a relationship. Maybe you both did, and can lean on each other! Get a female friend to help you buy some new threads if you need them, polish yourself up and slowly get back out there. No one wants to be alone. And side note, if you’re over 25 and you’re in a relationship 5+ years something was WRONG if you didn’t get married, engaged, etc. even if it’s LDR. Lasting relationships that are “meant to be” move thru stages much faster than that. If it’s dragging on for years, then 1 or the other person has reservations/holding back. EVERY TIME I hear of couples together or living together 5 years, 10 years, etc. then they get married I think “oh no! ” EVERY TIME they get a divorce pretty quickly after the marriage! So cut your losses and move on if it’s dragged out that many years without marriage, my friends.
OH, and if you truly believe she was THE ONE that got away, give it a month or more and why NOT contact her? People DO get back together! There’s a specific process you have to follow though (do some research). Don’t blindly go into pursuing her again with no clue how to do it, or you’ll screw it up then you’re done for good, so be careful. Blessings & love to broken hearts, like mine. It’s painful…ouch.
“Never fully invest your heart in someone that isn’t fully invested in yours…”

93 Billy February 24, 2014 at 3:02 pm

It really sucks to know you trusted your ex wholeheartedly only for you to realise you’ve been played all along – such that it is only a matter of weeks and then they already have a wedding date set with their new guy. Known each other for a couple of years and only became a couple for just 9 months – with marriage plans already afoot.

It really sucks when one sits back and realise all the efforts put in to make your ex happy – trying to treat her like a queen with every opportunity.

The pain is lesser now but it still hurts deeply. Been doing my best (and with not much success) to get my mind off her while working towards the great future I had always envisaged for myself.

Yeah, it may be a slow process but I think time will eventually heal the wounds. And a lovely lady, one who will make me question my sanity as to why I longed to marry my ex, will come around and take me to utopia :)

94 Darren April 3, 2014 at 2:27 am

Dang! I should found this site weeks,even months ago.After reading this I feel like a winey bitch. I’ve been all messed up over loosing my fiance and two “step daughters a few months ago. I been lost, feel sick when I think about it all,and I keep wondering where I went wrong and what I did wrong? But on further reflection, I don’t think I did. I put everything I had into that relationship, for probably the first time in my life. I really put it all out there for them and now I realize that,that is all anyone can do. If it didn’t work after that then I’m just another statistic.Anyway my real point is… I’m gonna “Man Up” If she doesn’t want to be with me then, she shouldn’t be! Forget her, bring on the next one! Great Site man. Thank you

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