Editor’s Note: AoM has previously discussed how to break-up with someone like a man. But what if a woman breaks up with you? Today my good friend Michael Etzkorn gives some much-needed advice on how to deal with this unfortunate turn of events.
Breaking up is hard, whether it is mutual or one party does the dirty work. Any serious relationship that ends will leave one or both people heartbroken. My fiancé and I were together for nearly four years when we ended it; it had been a long-distance relationship for some time, and we couldn’t agree on what we both wanted and needed in our marriage. Our break-up was very civil and mature, but that is not to say that it was painless. Fortunately, heartache is bearable if you can man up. Almost all of this advice is a composite of good advice from friends and first-hand experience.
Leading Up to Breaking Up
There is always a period of time leading up to the break-up where at least one self-aware person in the relationship will notice that there is trouble in paradise. Whether it’s a short relationship or one spanning many years, there’s always a road to break-up. It can take a matter of hours or it can take months. If you’ve ever heard the term “the suspense is killing me,” then you’ll understand that this is the hardest part of any break-up. Here are some tips on handling this phase:
- Don’t behave differently, unless they ask you to. Trying to make changes without knowing exactly what the problem is will make things more awkward.
- Don’t break up with them just to avoid being dumped. It’s cowardly, and you might regret ending something you could have saved.
- Don’t pretend the relationship is over and start seeing other people. If you want to end it, end it. If they end it, it is over. Until then, you still have obligations.
- Talk to her. This might end things more quickly, but that’s a good thing. If it’s going to happen, better it happen sooner so that you can start getting better.
The Actual Break-up
This is where things get ugly. This is also when you want to ask questions. You want to ask them now, because you’ll want time away from them after the break-up. You’ll also want to find out exactly what it is they are thinking in case it really is something you can fix. Ask questions like:
- What can we do to make this work?
- What can I do to make things better?
- Why are you ending this?
- Is there someone else?
- What can I do to make future relationships work better?
The key to the break-up is dignity. Being a pathetic, sobbing wretch is not going to win her back. Neither is being a furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut. Hold your head up, have respect for her and have respect for yourself. Be reasonable when you try to find out what you can do to save the relationship; you shouldn’t give in to demands or options that you don’t want to live with. There have been several times I’ve offered to save the relationship by promising something I really wasn’t comfortable with, but it doesn’t fix the relationship; it simply shifts the awkwardness around. You might still be with her at the end of it, but at what cost? Do both of you a favor: remember your dignity.
Aftermath
People will try to give you formula like ‘a week for every month’, but the truth is that you’ll be better when you are better. This is when you might cry your eyes out or hit the gym or find a friend with a punching bag in his garage. Remember that it’s over. Here are a few things to keep in mind in the meantime.
- Be reasonable. Don’t join the army on a whim or shave your head. Do not do anything dangerous or stupid. I promise that you won’t win her back scratching obscene language into her car door. You definitely will not win her back by putting the moves on her best friend or by starting a fistfight with the fellow you think she is dating, now.
- Your friends and family are there for you. Don’t be afraid to let them know you could use a pick-me-up, like some company at a movie or a camping trip or just to hang out while you grade papers or fact-check a journal article.
- Stay busy! You don’t have to stay so busy you don’t think about it, but working out or working on a project will give you a sense of purpose that will make things more bearable. This is the time for that project you’ve been meaning to do for years.
- Avoid her. Don’t listen when people tell you that you should not be afraid to be around her. Take all the time you need to get your feet back under you. When you’re ready to see her, you will know. Until then, put her pictures and love letters away. You wouldn’t expose an open wound to the elements, would you?
- Don’t go looking for pity. You should know the difference between having a bad moment and spending eight weeks with the same depressing Facebook status. You will not feel better; you will only bring down the friends who actually care about your plight.
- Do not stalk your ex! Stay away from her Facebook or Myspace. It’s tempting, but what you need to do is build yourself up again. Trying to keep this person in your life by hanging out by her house or checking her e-mail or logging on to their social networking site is not just unhealthy, it’s an invasion of privacy.
Your life will go on. Things will get better. It will take a long time, in all likelihood, and it will take some work. Above everything else, remember your respect for the other person and your respect for yourself. Keep your head up high and roll with the punches.
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{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
The biggest one for me is ignore your urge to tell that person everything that is wrong with them and definitely don’t ask them to do the same for you. I think people are most blind right around a break up. We are not thinking straight and any criticism from them or us that comes out is likely not going to be helpful.
A man realizes he has faults, and that the people around him have faults. A man never feels the need to remind others of their faults just so he feels better about his own.
hi, i just wanted to say that this is the best advice on weathering a break-up i’ve ever seen, and equally applicable to women as men (though avoidance is, among other things, sometimes not an option). i certainly could have used this advice two years ago =)
I’m honestly a little disappointed. I usually love the articles on Art of Manliness, and was actually just broken up with. Instead of a list of what not to do, I would have liked to see what to do. I feel like there are few people to talk to after a breakup, and as a man I have a hard time expressing my emotions and even just letting them out. I’d like to see more coping mechanisms than “stay busy.”
That aside, the “what not do do” items are things I like to keep in mind.
I would really appreciate something written on being rejected, from what i see here that is a much bigger problem.
This is very sound advice which would be well-considered by any despondent ex. However, one needs to experience the dubious pleasure of being a righteous, “furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut” once in their lives.
I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.
If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)
Other recommendations:
*Respect yourself; don’t give up your dignity. No woman is worth destroying your self-regard.
*Respect her; don’t destroy her dignity.
*Learn and grow from the breakup; accept responsibility for your own faults which contributed to the breakup and don’t put all the blame on her.
*Allow some time before you start seeing someone else; regroup; reset your bearings; don’t neglect your own identity.
*Don’t isolate in a pity party; get out and maintain relationships with your male friends, being careful not to talk about the breakup too much.
Thats funny, I thought you already wrote this article.
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/04/05/the-art-of-manliness-guide-to-scotch-whisky/
One imprtant “do” for the aftermath is to continue to speak highly your ex. Do not get dragged down into bitchy comments, insults or blame throwing. Behave with dignity.
Great article!
I am currently going thru the “Aftermath” of a tough breakup (15 months) and it is always nice to remember that this heartache is something every man will most likely deal with. I agree with the “Don’t stalk your Ex” and “Avoid her” advice. Too many of my buddies have tried to stay “friends” with their Ex’s which is not a bad idea until they get hurt even more or get back into that relationship without fixing any of the previous problems. Also, I removed my Facebook just so I was not tempted to “stalk” her new dates. Lastly, upon walking in on her and some new guy making out (possibly 2 weeks after our breakup), I was not tempted in the slightest to beat him up. I just had to call my younger brother to vent afterward haha.
Yeah, it’s definitely tough. Especially when they leave you saying they wanna start sleeping around instead of being with you. It is strange how you can never forget the person that was probably the worst for you.
Josh is a wise man….osh on April 22nd, 2009 2:34 am
I’m learning that the most powerful thing you can do is, strangely enough, sit alone and do nothing. The key to dealing with a breakup is learning to live with joy being alone. I’m most certainly not there yet, not by a longshot, but I know that’s what it’s going to take.
If you have been in a relationship for a long time it’s hard to see yourself on your own; this is the period where you really need to learn to love just being on your own and being yourself. Not an easy task, but if you can learn to do that not only will your next relationship be so much better, any future breakups won’t hit you nearly as hard (that, and you’ll likely be self-aware enough well before it gets too bad anyway)…..
I had a break up after eight years with this girl. It took forever to be able to be alone and fine with that. When I was able to be alone I was overwhelmed with emotion. This is a good thing. You have to be able to be sad, be angry, be lonely and be fine with those emotions. I was not ready to be fine with that and that was why I was unable to be alone. You cannot be with someone else unless you are comfortable being with yourself. Now I may enjoy being alone too much!
Reminds me of the advice in the Bad Company song – better get the boys round and do some drinking fast. Seriously, now’s the time to lean on your buddies. They won’t let you get too low, or take yourself too seriously.
This was a good article. The only thing I would emphasize is not to re-pursue her. If she broke up with you, it’s for a reason and if you “win” her back the reasons will still be there or she’ll find new reasons. Let her go. Go through your mourning for her. Get over her. Get back into taking charge of your own life and either stay single or find the girl that will appreciate you for who you are.
Trust me guys, I just got out of 10 years or marriage hell, and I mourned for the loss of a bad relationship for over a year and what did I learn through that? Besides that I just wasted 11 years, I now have a list of things to avoid if I ever get into another relationship.
My girlfriend of 3 years left me about 3 weeks ago and I’m just starting to get over it. Its hard going so long as “soandso’s boyfriend” and then having to find your way back to yourself.
Probably the toughest part of a break up is how up and down the whole thing is. One day you might wake up feeling really optimistic and happy and then an hour later you feel like absolute garbage. While your days will gradually consist of more ups and fewer downs, I have one tip to get yourself through them. Whenever you feel a tough spot coming on there are two or three things you can do to help yourself fight it off. Eat, caffeinate and (if you smoke) have a cigarette. This little regiment without fail will lift your spirits. Obviously be careful that you don’t over do it (theres nothing harder than trying to get back into the dating game only to realize that you put on 10 pounds in your break up) but these three simple things should help to chase away the blues.
In all honesty, this website has done a lot of awesome stuff for helping me get over my ex. Whereas I have spent the past 3 years working as hard as I can to be a good boyfriend, now I have time to work on simply being a better man. Its hard to do, but if you can look at a break up as an opportunity for self improvement, it can honestly turn into a pretty exciting experience.
I think that one of the most important things I can say to anyone in this situation is to be skeptical of any one else’s advice. While a lot of people similar to yourself have gone through experiences very similar to your own, no one knows exactly what you’re going through except for you. You need to figure out whats best for you. You need to make some mistakes and then you need to learn from them. Thats the only way to really grow out of this.
This is a very helpful article
I found out that talking to friends who listened well really helped. I had a break up after 6 years and every time I felt bottled up with emotion, I would find a friend who would listen. I must have done it with six different friends and I felt very light after it. I was careful not to overdo it.
Secondly, I remember that during the tough times, I kept on telling myself that if I dont take this breakup as a experience for personal growth, the breakup period would be a waste of time.
Most importantly, if there is one thing you have to remember, no matter how confused, angry, sad, bitter you feel, you have to maintain your dignity. I often feel like hurting my ex. with words but I know that I will feel ashamed after I do that.
Impeccable timing – do you guys spy on my life and post articles that are always timely? Thank you!
Wow, what timing, a girl i was deeply involved with for 3 years just told me she needed “a break” for a little while yesturday. We all know thats as good as goodbye… great article, im glad to say that ive done everything practically identically to the advice given. I suppose now only time will tell what will happen.
Excellent tips on “what not to do” but what about pro-active steps to take to move on? I got dumped after five solid happy years then found some traditional male responses truly helpful – no talking about it – lots of drinking, live rock and comedy clubs, screwing around – also throwing myself into my job, computers, ocean sports, etc. Guys are luckier in this regard: more interests and intellectual activities to lean on.
This is a lot of great advice. The only thing that confuses me is the title, it says “How to break up like a man”; what man uses facebook or myspace?
Good advice. Another tip that really works is to watch an inspirational film clip everyday or whenever you need a lift. Something that confirms your status as a dominant male..a man… the top of the food chain and chain of command. Try millitary or simply Lions in the wild.
Wonderful article. Some excellent advice, and even more in the comments section (particularly Grant and ellis – few things demonstrate one’s manliness as effectively as speaking well of an ex!).
The only other piece of advice I can offer from past experience: remember that if she found you worthy to date for __ period of time, then someone else will too. You might be afraid of being alone for the rest of your life, but the sooner you realize how worthy you are, the sooner you’ll see just how easy it will be to date again. And don’t be gun-shy, man up and ask other women out once you’re ready for it! Each rejection just brings you one step closer to your next special someone.
Dealing with break ups are easier if you go into it understanding that most women are oppurtunistic and will trade you in as soon as they think they can do better, and that your relationship will probably end, unless you make a lot of money, and design your life around doing exactly what she wants
Ha! I could have used this guide a couple of years ago, when I went through my first really painful break-up. My particular trespasses are being the “pathetic, sobbing wretch” and spending too much time on Facebook. Well, you live, you learn.
One issue, however, almost never gets addressed and talked about in these
kind of articles, namely when you and your soon-to-be/already-Ex have kids
together.
Besides all the good points already made, there’s the number one thing for you
to do: Be there for your kids and give them all the love you can possibly give
them. This includes hanging out with them as much as possible and never
talking bad about the other parent. Of course be honest about the state of
affairs, but do never forget…for the kids there’ll always be Mommy and Daddy
*as a unit*. Do not rob them of that security blanket because of your own
personal issues with your Ex…the kids have nothing, NOTHING to do with that!
If you can, try to maintain a dignified, workable and polite relationship with
your Ex. This will make many things a lot easier. Put your future and changed
relationship on the grounds, that while everything between you may now be at
opposites, you both love your kids and continue to act in their best
interests. If nothing else, they need to know that you do because you (both)
are the world to them.
Don’t forget to watch “Swingers” either!!
I am currently going through this right now after 3 years of living togther being engaged thinking I’d spend the rest of my life with her she decided we couldn’t work. She left moved away and left me to pick up the pieces. I become so dependent on having her around that Im not sure who i am anymore. Everyone says Bo be urself love urself but when ur going through it nobody can give the right advice. It’s funny things were easy are now hard. I don’t check the mail do dishes take garbage out any of the things that makes u Normal. I still have dreams I sleep 2 hours at night now sleeping pills do nothing drinking every day doesn’t do it. I considered my self secure I have a great job great fam lots of friends, but it’s the nights that kill me. It’s been 4 months since the break up but I still can’t close my eyes with out seeing her. I pray until I fall a sleep. Not to have her back cause that wouldn’t help I just pray the thoughts I have go away. Yes this is written the way a teen would write about how they feel cunning thing I’m turning 30 this year. I grew up with nothing dirt poor and if u would of told me when I was 15 that ud have a new house in the city brand BMW make close to 6fig have great fam and friends only thing that would be missing is that other person I would of said I’ll take it in a heart beat. Nothing matters if ur not happy with urself I’m in a bad spot. If anyone reads this and can give me advice I’d like to hear. Someone said life starts the minute u want it too. I just need to start…
@Bo: second that.
Sorry, mate, I do not have answers, I have the same situation and questions. Our lives were so boundeled together, now I feel I lost my half. The better one.
More than 5 years are gone. Just gone.
Bo and bzb,
I have just been handed my heart on a platter as well. I have been in love with this woman for 5 years. Now I find out she is talking with her ex again and i call her on it and she says i invaded her privacy. She said she would never stop talking to him and said its him over me. Its killing me, i cant sleep, eat or most of all stop thinking of her. I agree this is some good info on this site, but when will my heart feel whole again?
I should really follow some of the advice on this site.. I can’t help but think about my recent ex.. 2 years of not only being together but living together for the full 2 years… being alone in a bed again is horrible, not only that but I’m still not 100% on why we split up.. there is some major closure issues going on here.. but she doesn’t want to see me or spend a second of the day talking to me about anything to do with it.. obveously It’s hurting her too when she thinks about me.. but at the same time.. I wish I could understand.
I only have 2 fears in the world, number 1 is being alone.. and number 2 is the unknown.. since being alone means that the unknown preys on my mind.. so sleeping is a real issue for me.
What should I do? I want to speak to her but she absolutley refuses to talk to me, not because I did anything wrong.. usually when two people argue isn’t it right to discuss what happened and why? :/
I’m sitting up at 3 am 1 month on to the day since I last made love to her, and last slept in the same bed as her.. and I feel like crap.
@ seashells:
I honestly know how you feel. My girlfriend of a couple years (who I was also living with) left me for her ex in a freaking heartbeat. At first it was like hitting a brick wall.
Really the only advice I can give is forget and move on. I know at first it’s hard to forget her, just try and surround yourself with other people (like friends!), it helps loads. Though if your friends seem a bit busy, Johnny Walker will always take your call!
Breaking up is like diarrhea: when it happens, it’s so painful you feel like your insides are violently trying to escape your body, but when it’s over, you think hey, it wasn’t that bad. Or compare it to running a marathon, with your lungs on fire, when you finish, it’s “that was OK, let’s do it again”.
To get over a break up: Do things that make you feel better about yourself. (Improve your self-esteem). This is not the same as doing things to feel good, such as getting drunk (though that helps too, at least in the short term). Do chores around the house. Mow the lawn, paint the fence, fix the ceiling fan. That major project you’ve been holding off on? Now is the time for it. Make a to-do list. Other things: learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Train for a career change. Reinvent yourself. Always strive to make yourself better. If you get back together or not, who cares, you’ve made yourself better either way.
Through all this, do NOT forget your kids, if you had any with her. They are more important than petty squabbles, and more important than your own life, IMO.
Awesome write up. Today marks the 7th week since my ex-gf of three years broke up with me. It’s been an awfully tough road but I have made a lot of progress since.
Here are some pointers that helped me get through the worst of it that I’d like to add.
It’s all about recalibrating your mental, sexual, and social routine. This will mean nothing to you if you just broke up. If you read this again after a month or so, it’ll take on a whole new meaning.
1) Do not think about what she is doing. If you can conquer this step you will make so much progress. It’s not smart and unproductive to use your brainpower thinking about what she’s doing. Take her off facebook, remove mutual friends, throw out pictures, change the radio if a song is on that reminds you of her. In the beginning they all do. Just do what you have to do to cut all ties.
2) You have a mourning debt to pay and there are no shortcuts around this. Getting wasted and trying to nail chicks in the club will not heal your wounds and end up making you feel worse.
3) Stay out of your apartment during weeknights between the hours of 6pm-10pm until you’re ready to hang out there by yourself.
4) Enlightenment Phase. Break ups are a great way to realign your perceptions and go after the life you always imagined for yourself. Chances are that your peen’s agenda kept you in this relationship for much longer then you were supposed to be in it. Set a goal and be ok with not having sex for the next 4 weeks. You’re used to having at will and now that’s gone. This is your recovery period and your time to get your head right. Don’t think with your d. Look what happened to Tiger.
5) Track your progress. Four weeks ago I was listening to Bob Dylan’s version of “Yesterday” on repeat for like two hours. Now I listen to it and laugh because I can realize how much progress I’ve made since Day 1.
Here’s what you need to know about your ex:
1) If they left you with no explanation after a few years of dating, you will soon realize that you’re better off without her. Cowardly women who run away and pursue self interests without having the decency to close the door behind them will forever be in unstable relationships. You got lucky. Take your out. Imagine if she did this when you had kids!?!?!
2) Your mind will play tricks on you. You fought, she didn’t make you a great person, and you weren’t really as happy in the relationship as you think you were. If you’re lucky, she’ll find another dude to deal with her bs and you can walk away clean.
3) The Rebound Depression: If she’s with another guy immediately after the break up, you may start feeling like you really want her back. Don’t do that. This is your self-esteem trying to protect itself. Stop. Think about this: She is a parasite. An organism that can’t live alone and needs another for food, habitat, and support in order to survive. Do you really want to be with someone who just leeches off you and gives you nothing in return? Be happy that you’re parasite free and know that there are so many women who have whatever one redeeming quality your ex does, and many many more.
4) If you thought that you were happy with this self-interested nutcase, imagine how happy you’ll be with a woman who brings the best out of you—the woman of your dreams. She won’t pull this bs on you and will be the woman you always imagined that you’d marry.
“In fact, women are all perverse by nature. They are deeply self-centered, grasping in the extreme, devoid of all susceptibility to reason, quick to indulge in superstitious practices. They are clever talkers, but may refuse to utter a word when asked even some unobjectionable question. One might suppose this meant they were cautious, but they are equally apt to start discussing, quite unsolicited, matters better passed over in silence… How disagreeable it is to be forced to cater to their wishes in order to please them. What woman is worthy of such deference?” — Tsurezuregusa of Kenko, 1332.
This article and a lot of these comments are right on point. To tack on to this, there should have been a comment about “being friends”.
Hear me now, and listen to me later… NO MAN SHOULD EVER BE FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN (or man…hey, this is 2010) THAT BROKE UP WITH THEM.
You can be civil, if there are kids involved. You can be professional, assuming you were with a co-worker. But friendship is out of the question.
Why? This is basically about the other party having it both ways. They get kindness, attention, and affection. But they won’t have to return it. This will be given to someone else. Someone…that IS NOT YOU.
Being friends after the breakup is not equitable and it will not serve you in any way. If your heart is tied up, there’s no room for someone else to enter your life romantically.
@Wes
Thank you.
It feels like you wrote that comment for me.
You are my new hero!
This is a great website. It’s awesome to see that there’s a community of dudes out there giving each other support/advice on this issue!
I’m trying to deal with the aftermath of a 4yr relationship break-up. It is hard, but I’ve since planned a trip overseas (which will include some volunteer work), learning a language, begun playing in a band again (and it’s only been two months since the breakup!)
I agree with some of the comments before: Now is the time to focus on self-improvement. The post relationship months offer the best chance to focus solely on yourself.
. My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me. I’ve truly never felt this low before. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m a freshmen in college and that or my job just don’t feel important anymore. Sleeping now is going to be so tough.. I wish there was something I could do to keep myself busy for most of my days. I have plenty of time on my hands now and need something to do with it. Any advice? I was thinking something like some kind of manual work? I don’t really have any hobbies either. I want to met someone else but want to wait for that at the same time.
Hercules, it’s gonna get better man. Seriously.
Meanwhile, search the net for two good forums dealing with such issues, where you can find alot of support: ENA (E Not Alone), and Loveshack.
Unforfunately this is an old article so I reckon you won’t get much help here.
My girlfriend Of 5 years just broke up with me the hardest part of this whole ordeal, is that we have been living together for about 2 years. It is a very hard thing to go through, but I keep telling myself that I was the cause of the breakup. We argued for about 2 weeks and didn’t talk much after. I’m actually sleeping by in another room and we still arent talking after 3 weeks.. I have tried to talk it out but I think she’s done… I have just been going to work come home go to the gym for like 3 hours a night then sleep. Somethings gotta give I have to find a place so I can get a piece of mind..
Hercules… Hey Man hit the gym and start looking out for yourself.. your still have pain in your heart but the gym will help you relieve stress, make you feel better about yourself and it’s good for you.. plus hey…. chicks dig a guy with a nice bod… lol next thing you know your gonna have so many girls, your gonna regret you ever had a relationship… keep your chin up fellas.. you just have too.
I gave into my temptation to check up on my ex on facebook one day and I found that it fortified my lack of feelings for her anymore, It was at that precise moment that I actually moved on.
Maybe sometimes giving into your temptations isn’t a bad thing.
I have been in a long-distance relatinship that lasted a year a and a half which ended, 2 years ago this november. Ever since then I can’t rget her completely out of my mind. Sometimes I convince myself to move on and pursue a different girl, but somehow I always bounce back. It’s a deep groove. Of course, I’ve considered the fact that I might be idealising her, but in all honesty I don’t believe that. She was a great catch and I lost her because I was too selfish, too stupid and too reluctant to take responsibility. Long-distance is generally tough, especially if you’re of a sensitive-romantic disposition. Bottom line is, this relationship is still haunting me and I keep asking myself whether I should go after her and reclaim the person I so love and miss? I am young and have a lot of life to live, but again and again I find myself back at square one and filled with regret.
I don’t enjoy asking for help in this matter, but I do feel that I need to be outward about it to solve it.
Great article. Some more insight I would add – think biology! helps me a lot in this situations. She wanted something in you, you didnt have it so she left…and yes more often than not its something you have litle or no control about – like money or looks or the right family name (forget all the excuses she gives). So? thats pure biology, all females want something in males, even in the animal kingdom. Lesson? keep moving until you find a female who is ok with what you have, and as you move, work on improving yourself, go to school, hit the gym, keep young and healthy, organize your finances etc…the more you show that you are in control of your issues, the more attracted they gonna be to you. So just man up and do your thing, its all biology. its worked for me through and through – just by maintaining my independence and improving my life, lots of the ex-gals have come back knocking!
my gf broke up with me 4 dyas ago..she was deciding on me and another dude that i knew abt. she was up front with me back in april that she was talking to somebody else because i had lost my job and moved a hr away. i said i want to still talk to her because at the time we were trying to work things out. we had been together for 2 yrs at that point. but thru april till sep i just couldnt take the fact that she was talking to another dude even if i did agree that it was ok. she always said that my stability was a issue and that she did not want to resent me in the future if she was stable and i was not.she told me she needed a break to figure out what she wanted to do. then she called me 3 weeks later and told me. the worst!!! she told me that it was not gone work, the shit blew my mind. she said that the other dude had the career, and stability she wanted for her future.i cried, and cried as i asked her why. she cried also as she was listening to me.i am so damn hurt, i am 28 yrs old and this is my 1st heart break. i cant eat, sleep, i cant focus i cant do shit!! its like i have good days where im like” ok im good”, then a hr later im crying…this shit hurts bad!! myself esteem is low, my whole confidence is just shot. she said she still wants me in her life as friends, but i cant do that.as a man i cant be cool with a woman who i thought was the one..this shit feels like a bad dream and every time i wake up i feel like ok she will call me. i thought abt ending my life for a brief sec but then i snapped out of it. the reason why im taking this break up so hard is because i put her on this pedastool.i made her a priority over my own life! my whole existence was based off her.big mistake to do fellas. a person should make you happier with your life, not happy because you have them. and thats where i went wrong, i created this world were nothing existed but “her”. so now here i am hurt, sad, unemployed and confused. and u wanna kno what? the sad part is that if she called and said i made a mistake, i would honestly take her back!! i know.idiot. but im being honest.again its only been 4 days, but to know that its really over is traggic..im tearing up as i write this, but ill stay strong….ps..im really hurt..like for real smh
Going through a lot of similar stuff to the other guys on here. My ex and I broke up about a month ago after being together for 5 years. My friends are calling it the “5 year hump” which is basically the idea that everyone will encounter, around their 5th year, a bump in their relationship that either makes it or breaks it. Without too much background into my situation, all you need to know is I was the cause of it. I didn’t do anything heinously wrong, it was just the accumulation of a lot of things I had been doing wrong for a long time. I wasn’t 100% honest with her or myself for a long time and had always been playing it safe. Some of what made dating me exciting for her, I let slip away.
Which leads me to my first advice for guys through a break up or currently in a relationship: put everything out there. Be completely honest with her and yourself at all times and if you’re lucky and found the right girl (like I had) she’s going to love you for all your messed up shit regardless. For me, I thought I’d lose her love if I wasn’t what I thought she expected of me but those flaws and weird things were something she was looking for and in most cases were what would have made our life together more exciting! Also, if you’re not upfront with her and yourself, you’re not going to be completely happy. You can be all-out in love with her and happy with your relationship but you need to be happy with yourself at the same time. I was unhappy with myself and she became unhappy with the relationship.
After doing pretty much everything wrong to get her back, begging and trying to talk her out of it, I’ve pushed her even further away and she’s been staying at a friends (we live in the same house with mutual college friends). I turned over a new leaf real fast though and committed to improving myself. I’ve lost 50lbs, gained a lot of muscles, went and got my long hair cut to look more like an adult, been less lazy, reconnected with friends and started to pour myself into my studies. I’m comfortable with who I am and know that self-esteem is what she was looking for.
So, I guess to get to the point, I have two problems: 1) I’ve improved myself so much that I feel I deserve a second shot. I’m honestly a new guy and it’s the one I’ve always wanted to be but was too afraid to admit to. 2) She said so, as we were breaking up, if the things I revealed in the week after had been revealed a week before we broke up, we’d still be together and we’d be much happier. And I’ve learned so much more since then!
This got lengthy but I also have to ask, what if you know she’s “the one”, the girl who uderstands you completely, still loves you, but is afraid you can’t change? There’s a lot of advice for breakups where it’s explained away with “it wasn’t meant to be” but in my case I feel it was and I managed to screw that up. I’m fighting to show her I’ve changed but do I stand a chance of getting her back or was it seriously the most monumental fuck up of my life?
@Terry
You’re going to feel that way for a while. I’m of the opinion that if you even think she is “the one”, you have to operate towards that goal. That’s not to say you should pursue her or stalk her or have any direct involvement with her. The only way I shake the depression is by approaching the whole situation as an opportunity to fix the parts of me I dislike. Clean yourself up, do something different, try to reinvent yourself while you have this chance. The way to win a girl back (the strategy I’m employing currently at least) is to correct yourself, Own up to what’s wrong with you and if you can change it, do it because it makes you a better man. The flaws that aren’t fixable, you have to accept about yourself. You have to love yourself for someone else to learn to love you also. Everything is about growing and she’s doing that too. Just make sure your growth is positive, that you think of all the heart-ache as an ingredient in tempering who you are, and come out, probably still hurt over her and more than likely missing her, but more confident in yourself and feeling like you improved your own life.
More than anything though, don’t let yourself sink to the level of depression where you consider taking your own life. If you feel yourself going there, immediately reach out to a friend or a family member. Those people love you and want more than anything to show you the love you need to get through those times. I guarantee you’d rather have an awkward conversation about your relationship with your brother or parents than wallow in that kind of depression.
Buck up. Things have a way of turning around, even if they take forever to do so. :D
Nice, but how do you cope with a divorce that resulted from a cheating wife. I’m afraid I have made many mistakes in my situation.
Guys, these forums really do help. All of the above mentioned stories of relationships that end seem to effect us in the same ways. I wish i had read sooner as my way of deaoing with the situation was to try and win my GF back. Rather than giving her teh space and time she asked for. Not the best idea. As looking at it now, she has told you how she feels and you have to respect that decision. Easier said than done. Its only been 4 weeks for me so far, and i am still upset about the situation. But have joined the gym, make more plans with friends and just occupy your mind with other things. I hope that by cutting the contact altogether whilst setting myself other goals may eventually bring us back together. If this doesnt happen, then time really is a healer. You will perhaps never know the exact reasons for a breakup, and its the unknown that often causes the pain, as you try and make the answers up yourself. 2 things to keep busy Body & Mind. And make sure your never too proud to speak to friends and family about your problems. There is no shame in feeling sad, its part of being human. I hope i can take my own advice here, and succeed in being happy again. Good Luck All..
@ Ashley and others: I’m seeking more support than I’ve been able to pickup form the posts.
You hit the nail right on the head. My break up is more recent than yours, only 10 days old. Dated for 5-months without a fight or disagreement or any indication there was anything wrong. Both of us living on cloud 9 so to speak. Until a week prior to the break-up, I could tell something was wrong. I asked for her to talk to me, talk through her feelings….now I regret it because I feel like that pushed her more. Maybe it is sped up the break-up more and saved face from deeper hurt months down the road. I was reassured nothing was wrong between us and that she was going nowhere, saying this a week prior, until BOOM, being told things are not going to work. She basically used the “its really not you…its me” routine. And I really believe her…this was a 10 out of 10 relationship from my point of view, she agreed with one exception. She feels to be compatible long term a few things would have to change, I’m willing to make small changes to make things work, whereas I don’t think she’s capable. She feels no one should have to make changes to themselves, but I disagree with that. Everyone can make changes to better themselves even if it is suggested by your partner. Doesn’t mean you’re changing because you were told to, its because you want to in order to better yourself and to make it work. I’m talking simple handling of life events, handling of finances, etc….basically she says both the ways we handle things aren’t right or wrong, they are just different. And for that, this is her reason for stopping things now. I believe we can work through this and “compromise” when it comes to these life differences. I feel she has run away from something that was perfect for both of us, using this as a way out because things were too perfect…instead of attempting to work through her issues on it.
SO now I sit here 10 days later (post-breakup), still in contact via text (from both sides), still waiting for a sit down talk somewhere quiet to discuss and air my feelings on the situation. I’m at a loss now as to whether I should pursue a sit down meeting at all, or leave it until she asks to. After seeing all the posts saying FULL removal of contact all together is the only way to get over it….and to give her the space she may need in my opinion is going to be very tough. Still sitting here confused wanting a fully disclosed answer and at the same time trying to accept her decision….a decision I told her I’d respect BUT never understand.
And what everyone has said in this forum about not understanding fully why this break up happened is what makes it more confusing to me and makes it even more difficult to deal with. BUT, I feel more explanation is required and at the same time I feel I should no longer pursue this based on previous posts from others since it was her decision.
Reeling from the pain of wanting to see her and work through things….but don’t want to push. Have that empty hole that everyone is talking about and some anxiety to boot. I still hang onto the thread of hope that she will understand from my point of view that things can work and that its not written in stone that it can’t. I feel I need closure to put things to bed in my head…can’t get over the overwhelming feeling that I need to know and understand her decision in order to let it go. Until then this pain and anxiety won’t go away.
Any input is appreciated.
One piece of advice I can offer is to get over the idea of a woman being “the one”. For a long time I thought like this as well and then tragedy struck. My girlfriend and unborn child were killed in a car accident. I was totally devastated by the situation and on top of that thinking at the age 22 that I had lost the love of my life and would never find it again. I’m here to tell you that love is out there and it takes time to find it but once you do we all know how it makes us feel.
I was dating my ex for six months when it all exploded right before X-Mas. I called her one night upset about some family news and asked to come over. She told me she was doing laundry and had other things to take care of. I pleaded to just be allowed to come over and stay out of her way and just hang on on her couch – I just didn’t want to be alone. She refused. That night she sent me a one sentence email saying she hoped I had a good night. It felt like I received a form letter! I was crying to her 4 hours prior! Long story short I shut her out for a week (missing her company’s X-Mas party) and when we spoke a week later I was hit with insults, barbs and reasons why we were never good together. When I offered to drop off her things and pick up my stuff she replied that doing that seemed so final! She was going to go away to visit family for a week for the holidays and then decide whether we should be friends or not! I refused to wait for her decision. I spent X-Mas alone and got a card in the mail wishing me a happy holiday and new year. That’s it. Now the hardest thing is how to spend all of my free time. That, and trying to get a good night’s sleep.
This is amazing. I am going through a really disgusting break up and its extremely painful. Its not easy staying away….but i’m still trying. To anyone out there who thinks they are alone in situations like these, trust me you are not. The pain in wanting her back and hoping that she will come back is awful and we all feel it. Ignore these pains trust in yourself and be confident in your strength…that’s what i am trying and i am not perfect and i suck when it comes to believing in myself but i will get it soon and you can too.
This article really helped alot. i wish i could see more on this topic but i guess this kinda sums it all up.
Damn. Just got hit with the breakup news today. It was 9 months about a week ago. Hurt like a son of a bitch, but its times like these where you gotta man up.
The worst is the “I still love you, but we need to take a break”. Or the “Lets just be friends”. As Larry the Cable Guy put it, thats like saying the dog died, but you can still keep him if you want to.
Hi.
I’m a woman and came across this article (which can be applied to any break-up–man, woman or in between) when looking for advice about how to deal with a break-up of my own.
The article is great. Very mature perspective. And I’m thrilled that there are websites out there discouraging childish and violent retaliations, but instead promoting an adult and reasonable response to heartbreak.
However, I was taken a back by a few of the comments made about women. I believe “Phillip” called most women “opportunists”. And then this guy, a “man” named “Wes”, calls women “parasites” and uses some 14th Century quote to describe females (which is like using a 14th century quote to discuss your views on slavery–times have changed, may I remind you). The quote said this:
“In fact, women are all perverse by nature. They are deeply self-centered, grasping in the extreme, devoid of all susceptibility to reason… — Tsurezuregusa of Kenko, 1332.
I would caution the readers of this article and its commenters not to take out your pain on ALL of womankind, and not to label them as ‘this’ or ‘that’ in order to make the pain you’re feeling be any less than what it is–painful. That won’t work. There are tons and tons of wonderful women out there and just because someone doesn’t handle themselves well (or the way you would want them to) during a break-up does not mean they are scum and should be compared to devious snake opportunist princesses.
Break-ups are hard for women, too. Cripplingly difficult. You may not hear from your ex, but that does not mean she’s not crying into her pillow every night or wandering around the house in a her pajamas like a zombie calling in sick to work day after day and watching 16 Candles and Say Anything on repeat. Even if she appears to have “moved on”, there’s still pain there for her, I promise–especially after separating from someone she’s spent so, so much time with. It hurts, no matter who you are. We all show our pain and deal with it in vastly different ways–male, female, or in between.
In fact, her “moving on” so quickly may be a desperate attempt to distract herself from the hurt she’s also feeling. She’s dealing, in her own way, healthy or not, effective or not, so let her deal. You may not like it, she may not have checked with you first (and by the way, she doesn’t need your permission to grieve in whatever way she needs), but it’s not your concern anymore. You’re not together. It’s over. So focus on yourself. Let go. Whether you consider her way of dealing or moving on “appropriate” only shows how much YOU are still holding on. Let. Go.
Plus, there are men out there who do some HORRIBLE things to women, and I have been with a few of them, but does that mean I turn around and denigrate the entire male sex/gender just because a few dudes treated me like crap? No…
It means that I had to start looking at the type of partner I was choosing, and at the quality of their collective characters. Your role in this whole thing may be that you’re choosing to fall for people who treat you like crap, or people who don’t share your values for respect, or any number of things. Utilize this time to take RESPONSIBILITY for your part and look into any unhealthy patterns you may be perpetuating. Believe me, you may not be able to admit it now, but you played a part. Look at yourself, what you can control, what you contributed, what you can change. And stop shooting arrows at some other group (women) as being the omnipotent fault bearers.
Like I said. Break-ups are very, very challenging–some of the most painful and desperate and soul searching times of our lives. A real man has the dignity to just weather the pain he’s feeling instead of pointing a target at other’s as though he were a victim. Women are not victimizers and you’re not a victim. Don’t act like it. It’s very, very unattractive.
Erin, thanks for sharing some insight into the woman’s perspective. Especially regarding the possibility that we may be misperceiving the meaning behind a woman’s actions, and that she may be in fact hurting inside during the time we think she has completely moved on and is unaffected by the situation. I’ve been inclined to think this is wishful thinking– but what do I know?
I agree, that 14th Century quote to describe females across the board was certainly uncalled for. There are certainly women who fit that mold but to regard all women that way is unfair and demeaning.
Otherwise I am impressed with the level of maturity and encouragement in each of the postings. One thing that I found lacking is the spiritual component, where is God in all this hurt? Why are we hurting so much? Are we idolizing our women, and expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can provide?
I see people still hurt after 4-5 years…. that seems quite excessive, how come those guys have been unable to move on?
I’m posting this after a recent break-up– the hurt is indescribable but everyone here seems to be able to relate. Trying to recover.. I think I’ve gotten closure recently– i wonder if that’s something we really need in order to heal quickly and completely?
I am reminded about a quote from C.S. Lewis about love and heartache:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Thanks to all, this has really helped. I wasn’t even beginning to realise that a break up has happened and kept thinking that things will get normal, we will just hug and kiss each other and all the problems will go away. Reading through the posts made by all of you have at least got it in my head that a break up has indeed happened and ofcourse some of the posts give you a good direction on what you do next.
It’s been 119 days since I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly seven years. My situation is different in that I was the one who ended it. I always thought I was a mature, responsible 29-year old who could handle any situation, but I really was not prepared for my decision. Our relationship had been deteriorating and it would have been unwise to keep it going, but I was the one who had to find the courage to speak up.
Each of the 119 days has been a learning experience. I have good days and I have horrible days; when it’s bad, it feels like it can’t get any worse, and when it’s good, it’s just okay. I grapple with emotions of regret, doubt, loneliness, and finally optimism regularly. I am propelled by my belief that everything happens for a reason and that I am still on the path that I am destined to be on, and I just have to accept that. But I dread having to face my fears and start new relationships all over again. My relationship had become my safety blanket, and she was my best friend when we were good. Having to lose that abruptly is like waking up with amnesia.
Today, the 119th day, has been difficult. Writing this comment has helped. You just have to find a way to solve each day, and cling to your belief that your life will unravel the way it is supposed to be.
CBG
I’m with you on a lot of what you say. We weren’t together as long as you were, but, she was my best friend and there’s a big old hole in my life. Doesn’t help that I recently moved for work and so am away from my friends and family.
Chin up fellas. Use this time to reflect and concentrate on becoming stronger. Sleep, exercise, go to work, eat your veggies and whatever you do, don’t be afraid to phone your mum : )
Hi all
i was in a long distance relationship for 3 years and had six-eight vacations together.Have thousands of mails and letters saying how wise ,strong ,great…..our love was.Though after reading all the above posts …..most of my things have been either answered or clarified to great extent.its been three weeks she broke up…..and each night i get up in between and search for her and morning has never gone by when am not thinking of her…though with time and above posts…its lowered on richters scale
BUT I JUST WANNA KNOW ONETHING
@erin and if somebody else can answer ill really appreciate…!!
when i could see she wants to break up ……..we both were hurt and just few hours later when i am in deep pain…she is in arms of another guy…..skating around and to me…much fine
if erin says ….let it go and its her effort to move on or distract herself, fair enough ,i got nothing to say , but what my mind wants to know is…..how this happens that u sleep the very next nite with someone…..hugging the way u hugged ur previous bf or in no time u have started sharing a smile with an another person
Its none of my business….i got it….roger…true……….BUT explain me the business
is it like a robot who gets his programme changed or updated next minute
i have read all above posts and all we r talking is find/love ur ownself,gym,work,many good posts…..aimed towards moving us on and feel better but how it works for a women……(again i got no business…as erin said)…but just for my knowledge
grab another guy who was always winking at u
next day…..camp out…bike out
and next day same hug goes to him
and she has something to say to u too…that i had it all for u….but its u who lost me…….!!!!COMON MAN ITS KINDA UNNATURAL
sorry guys but do share what u feel about it
I’m married but I’ve been seeing a girl on the side for a couple of months. Finally I came to my senses and realised this wasn’t a good thing for me to be doing as it was affecting my marriage, and well, it’s just wrong. I broke it off with the girl last night and have tried to stay friends with her but unfortunately she fits into your category of furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut and doesn’t want to speak to me ever again. So I have to deal with the double-whammy of dealing with the guilt – knowing that I’ve hurt this girl, plus dealing with the pain of losing her as well.
This article offered me some good advice – thank you.
Great article and there’s a few in there that I hadn’t thought of so thank you.
My girlfriend and I broke up just over 2 weeks ago after surviving an amazing and a very satisfying 14 month long distance relationship. She no longer wanted that for herself nor felt that she could cope with the heartache and emotional challenges of a long distance relationship. I could still hold on but understood the pain that she was feeling. We had no workable plan to be together. Bottom line was that we wanted more for each other and couldn’t settle for giving each other like 30% of we had to give each other because of the distance apart. And I was not able to secure a job in her city across the other side of the world. Vancouver you suck when it comes to engineering jobs!!! It’s heartbreaking, painful, sad, paralysing and at times very frustrating. I feel anger at the circumstance, a circumstance that I could not change. There’s no way around it, we have to feel this. How could we not after such a loving, romantic and deeply enriching relationship? The best path forward was to go forward separately (GOD DAMN IT).
What I’ve learned so far is:
1. Its okay to feel sad, it’s okay to cry (forget what your mates tell you), its okay to feel down; its okay to curl up and feel like it’s the end of the world.
2. There’s no time limit to healing. Some heal faster, some heal slower. Take the time you need. If you feel stuck, see a therapist. I have in the past and will be shortly (even though I’m not stuck).
3. If you have close friends (preferably female), talk to them. The more you talk about it the more you’ll realise that you’re not the only one that’s going through this experience. If you don’t, see a therapist (I don’t have one close friend where I am so I’ll be seeing my therapist just to chat to).
4. Stay off the booze. As tempting as it may be, it will only lead to numbing the feelings which need to be released. If not, you’ll find that they’ll come out eventually and involve a bar fight, road rage or total destruction of your furnishings. Trust me, I’ve been there.
5. Shake up your routine and try something new.
6. Believe that you will survive because history has shown that you will.
7. Reflect on what you learnt from that experience about yourself and what you want or don’t want in a future relationship.
8. Let the other person be. You’ve loved them for the time you’ve been with them and probably have a lot of respect for them. Be happy for them even if they aren’t with you.
Enough from me, I’m off to shed a few. Yes it hurts and will continue to be gut wrenching for some time.
My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I’m not really sure what happened. She had been upset at times during the relationship and expressed this to me, but it would seem to come and go, but never be anything too serious. I went away for spring break, and when I come back, she tells me there’s someone else. She didn’t cheat on me, but at a time when I wasn’t around (about 2 weeks), this other guy was. I went to see her to talk about things and hopefully work through her doubt, but 20 minutes later I was on a train back to my apartment. The next day she told me she was starting to have feelings for this other guy. We didn’t speak for a week, and Tuesday she told me that she thinks she made the right decision. My world is upside down right now. We’re young (21, 20) but I really saw myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I’m holding on hoping that this is just a temporary thing, a phase that she’ll snap out of, but each day that seems less and less likely. I just don’t understand how you could go from being in love one week, to noting literally a week later. I’ve tried to keep contact to a minimum, but its so hard to sit here helpless. I’ve lost my best friend and the girl that I’m in love with. She was my first girl friend, and so this is my first real heartbreak. I know that she needs to do this right now, and I’m hopeful about the future, but I don’t know how to move on.
This is really good advice. Thank you.
Great article but I have one question. How do you get over the fact that you never received closure on why it happened? Both my previous relationships were great and then they both just stopped texting me. I think I wasn’t forward enough with the first one, but with this one, I thought I did everything right. I can’t get out of this honeymoon period in my relationships and I got closure from neither. Found out later on that the first one got a new boyfriend a couple months later and the one I’m going through now, I just don’t know. So how do I deal with not knowing why it didn’t work? I feel like I can handle a break up if I know what went wrong.
Your level of depression over any set back in life is commensurate with your position in yours. If you have a job you hate (or no job), no money and nothing going for you, you’ll be devastated and it will be very hard to get over. If, on then other hand, you have a good situation going in your personal/professional life you’ll feel it but you won’t be crippled by it. It’s like getting a parking ticket. If you’re broke, have no job and you get that $75 ticket in ’87 Aerostar with no back window, you’ll spiral into the abyss. BUT, if you have secure and gainful employment and a couple hundred grand in the bank, BFD. Point is: shore up your insides first before life tries to gut you.
Man I have to deal with this sh*t after 6 years of relationship. Its tough and it hurts like hell(I really love her) but I’ll survive, somehow, I always did ;)
My fiancee left me after 3 years, we tried staying friends. We ended up as friends with benefits. That lasted until a few weeks ago when I found out she was in a relationship with another man. It was like losing her all over again. This time I lost my temper and truly regret it. I think I was more upset by the fact that I became “the other man.” I never expected her to be “that” kind of girl. I’ve got to be honest I’m unsure if I’ll ever love again, even though I’m young (21). I know many will say “You’re just young.” or my favorite “There are plenty of fish in the sea, swim around a little.” I have little to no confidence due to several factors from my past, as well as an extreme weight problem because of a physical disability (this hasn’t stopped me from trying, but it’s a lot harder to lose weight without cardio.) I’m not looking forward to the next four or five years. I really dislike dating. I’m extremely uncomfortable meeting new people, especially being the size I am now and I don’t open up easily. I’ve got a long road ahead of me and boy is it gonna suck, but I’ll be a better person because of it.