The 10 Worst Products For Men Ever Created

by Brett and Kate McKay on February 27, 2008 · 125 comments

in Diversions, Travel & Leisure


While much has been said about the way advertisers have always hawked their products to women by playing on their insecurities, men have not been immune from similar pitches. While they may worry less about crow’s feet than ladies do, there are still some things that make men feel insecure. Hoping to capitalize on these insecurities, some downright wacky products have been sold.
Here are the top 10 worst products ever made for men:

Products for Hair Loss

The telltale signs of shedding hair in the sink can worry even the most self-assured of men. Companies have long recognized this and marketed hundreds of different products to stop, slow, or cover thinning hair. From hair plugs to toupees, none of them truly achieved the desired effect. Here are some of the worst hair loss products ever invented:

Hair in an Aerosol Can


The “spray” from this can is actually made of tiny fibers that stick to your head and hair. Just spray it all over and-poof!-thinning hair is thick and full and bald spots are gone.

The idea behind the spray is to help insecure balding men feel more confident. But can there be anything more confidence-sapping than having to worry that a spontaneous swim, rainstorm, or excessive sweating will melt your hair off?

Crosely Xervac Head Vacuum


This large device (which you could rent for home use) operated on the principle that sucking more blood into your scalp area would make hair grow healthy and strong and prevent it from falling out. A hose attached to a skull cap surrounded your head with suction power. This reminds me of Garth using the Suck-Cut on Wayne‘s World. “It’s sucking my will to live, man!”

Chest Hair Toupee


While some men shave or laser their chest to achieve a smooth, hairless look, other, naturally smooth chested men, pine for a manly carpet of chair. For these men, the chest hair toupee was invented. Available in black, brown, or gray, these chest pieces are made of real human hair. How do you even apply this thing? Glue? Tape? At any rate it is perfect for its target audience: middle-age men who like to wear halfway unbuttoned Hawaiian shirts and yet are lacking the tuft of hair sticking out that is necessary to complement their gold chain necklaces.

Products for the Prostate

Another area in which many men feel insecure is their sexual prowess. Some of the wackiest inventions ever made were designed to help the male libido.

The Prostate Warmer


Invented in 1918, this device promised to “stimulate the abdominal brain!” (I am not sure what that is, although men have long been accused of thinking with it). The device consisted of a 4.25 inch probe which was plugged into the wall and then inserted into the rectum. When plugged in, a blue light bulb lit up to tell you it was working to restore your manly vitality. Brings new meaning to the phrase “blue light special.”

Radioactive Jockstrap

Radioactive materials were once thought to impart healing and vitalizing powers to people. Radium was infused into drinking water, baths, and even suppositories. Perhaps the scariest way it was administered was through a radioactive jockstrap for men. ”Weak Discouraged Men!” one advertisement proclaimed. ”Now Bubble Over with Joyous Vitality Through the Use of Glands and Radium.” Joyous Vitality�..and glow in the dark junk.

Recto Rotor


This dilator promised to cure “piles, constipation, and prostrate problems.” It was designed to break up, your, um, “piles” and to lubricate the rectum. The tip had holes in it through which ointment could be released. How it was supposed to cure your prostate problems can only be imagined. But with a motto like “large enough to be efficient, small enough for anyone over 15 years old,” how could you go wrong?

Heidelberg Electric Belt


In the early 1900′s many people believed they were suffering from “neurasthenia,” a disease cause by modernization and over-stimulation. This “sickness” produced a wide variety of symptoms from depression to impotency to fatigue. The Heidelberg electric belt, touted as a cure, sent electricity to your genitals and promised to restore your vitality and strength. Ouch.

Anti-Self Pollution Devices

During the 1800′s and early 1900′s, extreme measures were recommended to control the sexual libido of young men. Several devices were invented to prevent men from masturbating. Here at the Art of Manliness we support self-discipline and harnessing the male libido, but genital mutilation is definitely not the way to do it.

Spike lined ring


This device was aimed not only at preventing masturbation, but nocturnal emissions as well. Young men would tie this ring of death around their member, and whenever they became aroused, the spikes would sink into their flesh, causing excruciating pain.

Spermatic Truss


The spermatic truss, patented in 1876, was designed to make erections impossible by binding the genitalia down. 21 years later, the designer changed the truss a bit, making erections possible. The only downside? An erection would now drive the genitalia against painful spikes.

The Timely Warning


Invented by Frank Orth in 1893, The Timely Warning was a penis cooling apparatus designed to prevent wet dreams. A man would attach the device to his penis before he went to bed. When an erection occurred during the night, levers opened to allow cold water to flow through tubes around the genitalia. This cooled “the organ of generation, so that the erection subsides and no discharge occurs.” Basically, it was like taking a cold shower, but without the shower.

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{ 123 comments… read them below or add one }

1 tgpo February 27, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Spikes into your junk to prevent erections. That’s hard to beat…no um…nevermind.

2 zacwax February 27, 2008 at 4:50 pm

That spiked penis ring looks like fun

3 A-F-R-I-C-A-N February 27, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Good job! I had never until today seen or heard of any of these “products”. I think the worst case of insecurity as well as dementia are the only reasons why anyone would “invent” and use these “products”.

4 Peter Lynn February 27, 2008 at 11:59 pm

I do not at all buy the supposed medical application for the Recto Rotor. It’s clearly for recreational use.

5 Rick Cain February 28, 2008 at 1:27 am

Interesting how prudes in America worked so hard to prevent erections and nocturnal emissions.

Even the method of circumcision was modified to remove a lot more skin in hopes that it would make it too uncomfortuable to mastrubate later on in life.

Christianity’s contribution to the world.

6 Sean C February 28, 2008 at 5:27 am

Dude!! ! I need a headvac!

7 Carol February 28, 2008 at 7:05 am

WOW — it’s so good to be a woman !!!

8 Kate February 28, 2008 at 8:10 am


Tis true. But there are a lot of wacky products out there for women as well. Behold the “Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump.”

9 rolandog February 28, 2008 at 9:11 am

Awesome! This reminds me of a section of ‘The Book with No Title’… a book from the 1800s that warned young men not to masturbate… or they’d probably die.

It’s amazing how wrong those misconceptions about sexuality were.

10 Suricou Raven February 28, 2008 at 9:25 am

The anti-mastubation views were popular in the 1800s and right up to the mid 1900s – it was widely accepted that mastubation or ‘nocternal emission’ caused dystrophy, blindness, weakening of immunity, insanity and paralysis. It was a view promoted by Kelloggs (Better known for inventing a new corn-based breakfast cereal), the inventor of some of the anti-mastubation tools and promotor of all others – he was a most dedicated crusader against the dangers of mastubation, and particually important in returning circumcision (Previously very rare in the US) to commonplace by promoting it as a preventative measure – circumcise your child and it would become more difficult for them to mastubate, thus protecting them from all the above-listed illnesses. What loving parent could turn that down? While Kelloggs was one of the most enthusiastic, the mastubation-causes-illness story was perpetuated by just about every doctor – in large part because no ‘respectable’ doctor would dare to investigate scientifically any matter of human sexuality until Kinsey came along – while his research methods were far from perfect, his lack of respect for taboos was key in opening human sexuality issues up to scientific investigation. These investigations later determined that almost everything known to medical science about sex in general and espicially about mastubation was wrong.

Annoyingly, even after the bad science that led to the re-introduction of circumcision was shown to be completely false, circumcision continued through force or collective habbit and cultural inertia.

11 stupid February 28, 2008 at 9:43 am

Kelloggs was also a fan of morning enemas delivered by his nurse…. what a prude!

12 glenn February 28, 2008 at 9:44 am

i dont get whats so weird? i own all of these and they work great!

13 Ale February 28, 2008 at 9:53 am

What the hell part of sticking a 4.25″ probe up your ass and plugging it into a wall sounds like a good idea?

14 none February 28, 2008 at 11:00 am

My what religion has brought us over the years.

15 Curious George February 28, 2008 at 11:06 am

All this, and you didn’t mention “Axe Body Spray for Men” of whatever the hell it’s called. Completely missed the mark…

16 Seff February 29, 2008 at 11:17 pm

G-d bless America!

17 Living Off Dividends March 1, 2008 at 12:49 pm

thats just hilarious!

especially liked the recto-rotor! maybe its the precusor to the dildo!!!

18 QueenVelveeta March 9, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Oh, quiet Rick Cain. You don’t know what you are talking about. Hope this helps.

19 Adrian May 25, 2008 at 4:50 pm

@ living off dividends, no, it’s the precursor to the butt plug. “Not for use by those under 15.” oh my life. Oh the lawsuits. Can’t you wait until some sophomore in high school brings one of these to class?

Someone mentioned that all these products worked great. I’m sure they work fine as designed. So does a nuclear warhead. Doesn’t mean I want to strap one to my scrotum. And apparently I could do that if I owned a Radium Jock Strap.

It is true that the first Europeans to settle in the Americas on purpose were puritans. Puritanism is a religion based on being miserable and liking it. So is it any suprise that it took 250 years before it became OK to say the word “masturbation” out loud? An activity which has nearly no use other than personal pleasure. Yea, they’d burn your wankin’ ass at the stake for that. quick as a wink. And the 14 girls in the woods they caught you watching.

20 BobN June 11, 2008 at 3:00 pm

“a book from the 1800s that warned young men not to masturbate… or they’d probably die.”

And just how many men who masturbated in the 1800s are alive today?

I rest my case.

21 Blev June 11, 2008 at 3:32 pm

“Even the method of circumcision was modified to remove a lot more skin in hopes that it would make it too uncomfortuable to mastrubate later on in life.”

Actually they never did it at all previously. That’s one hell of a custom you Yanks have there…

22 Glen June 11, 2008 at 10:45 pm

I have but three words: Oh. My. God.

Well, maybe a few more: that “butt plug” thingy would currently be outlawed in several states. Oh, ye, worshipers of the anti-Christ!

23 grace June 15, 2008 at 3:02 pm

well all of these ads were dumb well that is what i think.o and jest so i can say something that i think was the worst thing i saw here was the 9th one with the pants

24 Em June 16, 2008 at 12:51 am

Carol is so right!!

Oh god, the spike ring…

25 Adam G. June 20, 2008 at 11:23 am

Impressive list! Scary too….

26 evan mathews July 24, 2008 at 5:02 pm

The question that begs to be answer is: How much of this stuff actually was sold in appreciable quantities? And I gotta tell you it’s seems to me an act of desperation to stick a light bulb up you butt. Or one hell of a good sales job.

27 baloot August 21, 2008 at 9:14 am

this is out of my mind. i never think this types of products.

28 Fat American August 30, 2008 at 1:38 am

Nice little gadgets Judaism has brought us.

29 Love Queen September 11, 2008 at 10:01 am

From a woman’s perspective circumcision is a great contribution to human history. I would NEVER be with a man who was uncircumcised and neither would any of my girlfriends. Absolutely forget about sucking that thing! There is no comparison when it comes to appearance as well.

30 Patrick October 14, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Uncut dicks are icky

31 Tom October 27, 2008 at 10:14 pm

Uncut clitorises are icky, too, girls. Let’s just cut off all of the feel-good parts like our religious ancestors intended.

32 steven yap November 2, 2008 at 11:40 pm

i wud lik to subscribe to this wbsite.

33 tomdawg November 3, 2008 at 11:56 am

Hey, Rick Cain.

Your circumcision comment shows how stupid you are, you must have an uncircumcised DICK for a brain: circumcision originated in Judaism, no Christianity, though many but not all Christians practice it. The Apostle Paul preached hard against it as a means of salvation.
See the book of Galations, DUMBASS!

34 Grady November 16, 2008 at 1:07 am

@Love Queen

Do you even know what “uncircumcized” means?

35 Jane November 16, 2008 at 11:32 am

Clearly she does Grady.

Uncircumcized=not going to get any oral sex from me.

Really guys, I know you want to hold on to your flap, but women think its gross. Sorry.

36 Rod Newbound, RN November 23, 2008 at 6:25 am

This is an absolutely hilarious article. I can’t wait to share it with my friends.

The things people will buy still amazes me.

Thanks for making my day.

37 Jody+ January 1, 2009 at 1:00 pm

I always love it when people presume to speak for the whole of their sex/ethnicity etc… considering the fact that the majority of men around the world–and in increasing number in the US–are uncircumsized and it hasn’t seemed to lessen the population, it would seem there are plenty of women who disagree with Jane and LoveQueen.

In regards to some of these anti-masturbation/nocturnal emission devices, it would be interesting to place that movement alongside the quest for the perfect family that was bought into by much of mainline protestantism in the same period (heavily tied up with eugenics), as well as the assumption that we could improve upon everything–radium in the water, bleached flower, processed food and formula in place of breastmilk etc..

38 Chip February 10, 2009 at 10:14 pm

Don’t have much respect of circuncision it’s origens are in religion not science.

39 Carl April 10, 2009 at 6:44 pm

Chest hair toupee? I thought everyone used it. I never leave home without it.

40 Merkin Muffley April 12, 2009 at 10:27 am

Umm…. how is it that no one noticed that the pic of a “chest wig” is actually a picture of a merkin? (speaking of weird products)

P.S. What’s up with all you girls in favor of circumcision? I’m an american girl who likes foreskin. I feel bad for all the guys who got it chopped.

41 Doctah Facts April 14, 2009 at 5:31 am

Actually, there are scientific reasons for circumcision. Women contract cancers from the uncircumcised at a statistically higher rate. I don’t want uterine cancer, so I wouldn’t even consider relations with an uncircumcised man. Also, a number of uncircumcised men will develop painful infectious inflammatory conditions which require circumcision as an adult. You’d really rather have it when you are newborn and won’t remember it.

42 Dal May 6, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Doctah Facts:

Yes, I hear about this dreaded contagious form of cancer (colloquially known as “Cancer o’the Prick”) all the time. Also, half of my wang had to be removed from an infectious inflammatory condition due to not showering for several years – o, the luck (good thing it was painfully large to begin with, ha ha).

Long live the foreskin!

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44 Steph June 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I’m a woman, and I think foreskin’s completely fine. The only time it causes problems is when men don’t take care of themselves and don’t practice good hygiene. I think it’s sad that babies have part of their penises cut off just because their fathers want them to look the same as themselves and because they are MISINFORMED and think it causes cancer/illness.

The ONLY way being uncircumcised could cause a problem is if boys aren’t taught to clean themselves regularly!

45 Generic Cialis July 1, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned with their libido back then and the electric butt plug with the blue lights was hilarious.

46 Liz July 2, 2009 at 4:37 pm

WOW! Brilliant!!!!! Ingenious ways to sell inventions for “kinky” people! It also gives others that don’t want to admit their fetishes freedom to buy the product too. Tell them it’s for their own good and purity! Good salesmanship!

Rrrrawr!! Freaks! HA!

47 Respectable Reviews October 5, 2009 at 10:48 pm

I think that the “hair in an aerosol can” was my favorite infomercial ever when I was a kid!

48 neon signs October 15, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned with their libido back then and the electric butt plug with the blue lights was hilarious.

49 Free Yoga October 17, 2009 at 4:41 pm

Wow! The timely warning has to be my favorite! The spike ring is just torture period.

50 Spider October 30, 2009 at 12:58 pm

The Prostate Warmer – heheh niiiiice ) give me ONE please ;D

51 Celebrities Exposed November 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I would like Aerosol “Good looking Hair” very interested to try this product! Great inventions!

52 Michael January 18, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I find it both stupid and naive of those who blame all these inventions on only American marketers and religious zealots. Americans did not have a monopoly on lame inventions not the least of which was self mutilation and sexually restricted devices which the Europeans had been building and torturing with for centuries before and with just as much into the so called modern age. Further, do a little research and you’d know most of this crap was invented and marketed by people with little to often no religious affiliations while many were atheists. Blaming all ills on religion may be convenient but still dishonest at best, blaming all puritanical thinking all the way into the 1900s on religious fundamentalism while disregarding the original puritans who were some of the most tolerant people every recorded, but often blamed for extremism that they had nothing to do with and our national belief like in many other falsehoods often ties them to historical behaviors that had nothing to do with them just show how poorly educated and unread most of you are. Real men don’t just pass along this crap but learn for themselves. If you had you’d know the world over had many of these inventions and most of the US ones were stolen ideas from Europe and elsewhere. You’d also know that many of these treatments, trends, and fads were brought to the US from Europe. The US has always had a fascination and adoption policy of whatever was/is cool in Europe good for us or not. IF they do we have to follow. Religious quacks aside of which there are many where more about bible thumping for the most part than the inventive money making scams that were often the product of syndicates, organized crime, fake doctors, and the like.

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57 joon February 3, 2010 at 1:30 am

Uncut dicks are icky

58 kitchen faucets February 17, 2010 at 4:05 am

It’s amazing how wrong those misconceptions about sexuality were. Now those are some really wild inventions. Who knew men were so concerned…
You keep writing and I’ll keep reading. I enjoyed reading it keep up the good work

59 Kenzie February 23, 2010 at 12:52 am

It’s absolutely shocking that people would even consider the Heidelberg Electric Belt to be a good idea…

60 Patek Nautilus March 3, 2010 at 2:51 am

uh…very weird… is it real on the past?

61 Ric March 5, 2010 at 9:21 am

If any of you have been paying attention to the news lately, while circumcision is or was originated through religion, there is proof that men who are circumcised are less likely to be infected by the aids virus. Not making this up and no it is not in reference to gays. It is part of a study that is being done in Africa. If you want to beat me up and call me stupid fine, wouldnt be the first time, and it wouldnt be the first time that person was wrong.

62 Kamagra April 6, 2010 at 7:29 am

Ha ha ha .. funny. People are crazy who do these things

63 Miss Lala April 15, 2010 at 10:18 am

Spiked Junk ring……………. really?

64 Gretchen May 15, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Yep, I’d never be with a guy with a foreskin. Hideous and disgusting.

65 Alan May 15, 2010 at 3:21 pm

If you consider the foreskin as somehow ‘wrong’ then you might wish to consider the fact it is the human default. What’s ‘disgusting’ is the unnecessary and barbaric practise of mutilating baby’s genitals for profit, religion and ignorance.

The vast majority of men around the world do not suffer such mutilation, nor any harm. I should add that botched mutilations DO cause (even more) harm and are surprisingly common.

The good news is we get used to what we’ve got used to – so those with amputated foreskins are blissfully unaware of the fact they’ve lost between 50 to 80% of the sensory sexual nerve endings in their penis (which may explain the American male enthusiasm for rough or anal sex).

On the “women prefer” thing, I have only once seen an actual, in-depth study on this. By far, women preferred men to be intact. 3 main reasons: 1. The men experienced deeper pleasure and were reported to be more loving and to take their time over sex (enjoying the journey, not just the destination). 2. Lass chafing experienced by the women, who reported feeling more comfortable. 3. It made life easier for the woman when pleasing her man, as she could easily find the most sensitive part of the penis, which is the foreskin, when present. Pleasing a man without a foreskin is like pleasing a woman without a clitoris – it can be done but it’s trickier.

I should add there’s some bibical times quote about the dangers of letting a woman sleep with an intact man, as she will no longer be happy with a circumcised one and will become more sexually active. Take that for what you will.

In terms of cleanliness, the foreskin produces a whole range of antibodies and antibacterial defenses. As one doc put it “An eye without an eyelid is not a cleaner eyeball”.

Regarding the “AIDS in Africa” thing, that is an on-going farce that regularly rears it’s head every 2 1/2 years. Manipulated “studies” show how it protects from “AIDS”. These studies get shot down due to mangled data and cherry-picking (comparing circumcised Muslims, with devout family values, taboo on prostitutes and so on, with areas where prostitution is rampant etc). Having been shot down, regular as clockwork, a “new!” study appears, showing male genital mutilation (often along with female genital mutilation) “prevents AIDS!” It’s garbage, and partially funded by the circumsion industry. Any idea how much an ounce of healthy human tissue is worth? Look it up…

As I said though, ultimately we get used to what we’ve got. Circumcised men still enjoy sex, even though logically we know they’re missing most of the sensation. So do circumcised women. If a woman doesn’t like intact penises she’s right, she doesn’t, even if most women around the world consider mutilated organs ugly and insensitive. Your largest sexual organ is your brain, after all.

If you were mutlated as an infant don’t worry about it. There’s nothing you can do now – but you CAN stop the cycle by NOT mutilating your sons or daughters.

If you already have, well again there’s nothing you can do about it now, is there?

BTW, America has the highest rate of male circumcision of any industrialised nations (by far) and the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases (by far). So how’s the “protection” thing working out for you?

(if you’re wondering about the value thing, foreskins are by weight more valuable than gold)


66 J.B. May 15, 2010 at 7:43 pm

For those women who think an uncircumcised penis is gross. Let me tell you what’s truly gross. It’s crawling into bed with a woman whose thoroughly scrubbed face and perfume belie the truth of the situation when you break the seal on those fancy panties and you have instant deja vou of the time the freezer got unplugged for a couple weeks and you were the first guy to open it…..and close it as fast as possible. It’s inevitably the same woman who attempts to push your head down to her nether regions. A fast thinking man will instantly start grabbing his clothes and scream as he’s headed out the door “My god, I just remembered I left the stove on with a skillet of grease on the burner” and fly out the door.

67 web design May 30, 2010 at 3:07 am

Hilarious write up. :)

68 Claudia June 1, 2010 at 1:31 pm

@ Alan: very well said indeed.
thanks for the contribution.

69 Kurt Russell Anderson June 2, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Ok I didnt read all the comments so I dont know if this has been mentioned. But….. THE SHAKE WEIGHT FOR MEN IS THE WORST PRODUCT FOR MEN EVER MADE! Bar none.

70 Harry June 8, 2010 at 5:12 pm

Well said, Alan. I am pretty shocked at the anti-foreskin posts. I found it quite staggering that a bit of protective skin that I was born with (in England) could be considered offensive. I wasn’t aware that they are removed so readily in the US – I thought it was just a Muslim and Jewish thing – a retarded desert religion scenario.
I recently went out with a lovely Iranian lady for a few months, here where I live in New Zealand. She had not experienced a foreskin before, so it freaked her a little at first, but not for long. She soon confirmed that I was the best lover she had ever experienced (not that she had experienced many).
I didn’t know that Americans and Iranian Muslims were so alike!
Maybe the US should ally with Iran instead of demonising them. True, their government is evil, but not the people.
Anyway, I’m glad I still have my foreskin and the sensitivity which it protects. To chop them off isn’t much different from the wacky ideas on the ‘Top Ten Products’ list.

71 buy viagra soft June 13, 2010 at 11:43 am

Good old time then mens body was natural.

72 Youniquelikeme June 13, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Alan, that was very profound.

To the females who say “ick” to foreskin, you are missing out. They are much better able to sustain the erection and pleasure for you and almost always more likely to try anything and be able to feel pleasure in positions that pleasure you and not just them.

My best lovers all had foreskin and there was no difference when giving head, except for what is in YOUR head… and I won’t comment on that ….

73 boomer babe June 14, 2010 at 10:00 pm

Someone told me, a guy, that he can tell when women give BJ’s all the time; their bottom lip gets puffy and out of shape…He’s right, I saw it on a gay guy once..About foreskin—its removal was for cleanliness years ago (they didn’t have running water then) and the removal of it is similar as the womans hymen (i think its the same tissue in different sexes) dont get me started on female ‘circumcision’ though. what they are doing is casterating little girls and sometimes they die or have medical problems, like eunichs used to do.

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75 JG June 18, 2010 at 1:57 am

Curious George,

I agree! AXE body spray should have been included on this list!

76 PS June 19, 2010 at 11:51 am

The desire to prevent nocturnal emissions came from the christian belief that it was a sign of the devil taking possession of your body. Same with sneezing and “God bless you.” God, the all-powerful certainly gave the devil full rein in the 19th century.

77 Math June 25, 2010 at 2:25 am

Where can we buy all of those wonderful products?! Haha just jokin it’s really freaky no spike is ever touching my dude…

78 shiv June 25, 2010 at 5:05 pm

that sucks mad waz made to jock i could ues the head vac though

79 Isaac July 3, 2010 at 8:31 am

There is a difference between actual biblical Christan beliefs and superstitions that some people of culturally christian background have had. These ideas regarding sneezing, wet dreams, etc, none of it is in the Bible or Christian doctrine.

The Bible is not ant-sex or anti pleasure (just read the Song of Solomon). It actually celebrates the joy and pleasure of sex between a man in woman in covenant relationship with each other. Sex is holy and deeply spiritual, with deep meaning, something lost in today’s culture. We have more of it (or do we?) but it means less and less.

And yeah, allot of the reason for circumcision in the Mosaic law was for the sake of health/prevention of infection. The same reason they had a number of laws regarding washing the hands and body, not eating certain foods etc. Interestingly, these were consistent with stuff that modern science did not figure out till hundreds of years later.

I doubt any of these crazy products had anything to do with trying to live a more righteous life, more a part of the whole health quakary rip of scene of the 19th century. Not that we have any of that today, right ? 8-)

80 Doc Kemya July 11, 2010 at 4:33 am

Bravo, Isaac–right on the nose! And the majority of those superstitions already existed in the culture before Christianity was ever introduced. Excuse if my words don’t make sense, but English is not my first language. None of the products in this article had anything to do with Christianity, Judaism, or religion at all. They had everything to do with the rediscovery of ancient and foreign cultures via archaeological finds during the 1700, 1800, and early 1900s and the likes of men such as Freud and Kellogg. During the Federal and Victorian periods, it was common for a man to have his penis circumcised, pierced through, and then tied back to prevent his genitals from showing in the tightly-fitting pants popular to the era. Prince Albert himself had one such piercing although they argue the veracity of this. Devices such as Kali’s Teeth (the spiked ring), infibulation, and kynodesme (literally “dog control”) were common practice in the Middle East, Greece, Roman territories, India, and Egypt with everyone from slaves to public performers and politicians to prevent erections and as a sign of restraint and abstinence and related to concerns of modesty. Throughout much of the ancient world, in particular the ancient Greeks and Romans, ejaculation and nocturnal emissions were thought to cause weakness in battle and in mind. On rediscovering texts such as these, many of the Victorians went overboard in their own health and humanist concerns to the point that women having any interest in sex whatsoever meant she was mentally unstable and men were supposed to keep their own sexual thoughts and actions restrained to an extreme, hence these devices. So thank the likes of Socrates, Galen, Freud, and Kellogg for these insanities, not God. Furthermore, studies conducted on American GIs in WWII and in south and central Africa since 2005 have confirmed that men who are circumcised have one-quarter to one-half the incidence of penile cancer, testicular cancer, STDs, AIDS, and HIV and are not only less likely to contract any of these diseases, but are also less likely to transmit these diseases to their partners. The incidence of bladder cancer, uterine cancer, cervical cancer, STDs, yeast infections, vaginosis, and kidney and urinary tract infections in women is half that for women whose partners are circumcised. As for the argument that the foreskin is a natural state, it is no more natural or necessary than any of our other vestigial oddities and the number of males worldwide who require surgical removal of their foreskin has grown exponentially over time due to genetic abnormalities of the foreskin including glans adhesion, frenulum breve, phimosis, paraphimosis, partial aposthia, and full aposthia. The length of foreskin (prepuce) in the human population varies from abnormally long to problematic to very small to absent altogether, with natural absence occurring in 69% of the traditionally uncircumcised global population. It is fallacy (haha, had to) to think that the foreskin is being completely removed and penile sensitivity undermined in a correctly performed circumcision anyway since it is only the less-sensitive outer skin that is removed while the sensitive skin rich with nerve endings that lines the foreskin remains intact and is retracted to cover the shaft. It is also fallacy to say that circumcision is going away and only Americans did it and only for religious reasons because circumcision is still practiced quite commonly worldwide and has been on written record as far back as ancient Egypt and oral tradition into the ancient aboriginal cultures of Australia. Thanks to medical crises in places like Asia and Africa and the interest in body piercing and body modification in Europe and North America, the numbers of circumcisions are rising and proving to be very effective in the prevention and treatment of disease as well as preferred aesthetics.

81 aj July 26, 2010 at 3:34 pm

i still get plenty of pleasure being circumsized! the reason for circumsision isn’t to keep people from jacking off, it is to keep people clean in a way that uncircumsized have flaps of skin that can hold some nasty crap!

82 Matt August 5, 2010 at 8:37 am


We uncircumcised men are taught to wash. Don’t know about you.

I’m glad I’m not missing a highly sensitive part of my genitals thankyou. Also that another highly sensitive part of my penis is protected from excessive friction and impact thoroughout the day in the way that evolution ‘intended’. I prefer my pleasure organs to remain sensitive.

83 low carb food store August 8, 2010 at 11:04 pm

OMG..!! Such crazy products for men.. I dunno..if this kind of products even sale or not but this kind of concepts are too weird..

84 Andre August 11, 2010 at 11:18 pm

I could have used a Timely Warning or two during middle school. I’m convinced there’s a correlation between having to stand up in front of a group and boners.

85 Lee August 18, 2010 at 5:12 am

Well said Isaac and Doc Kemya. Don’t presume, Rick Cain (or PS, for that matter), that the contraptions you singled out were “Christianity’s contribution to the world.” The Bible (Old and New Testaments) teaches sexual purity, but does not in any way promote what the inventors of these products were attempting to accomplish, the prevention of normal physical reactions of the male body.

86 Brendon October 18, 2012 at 9:09 am

This post made me chuckle. What I find most funny of all is that absolutely all of these libido-inhibiting instruments would be condemned by any level-headed religious leader, from Pope to Preacher Pete. I also find it to be of interest that an article poking fun at what are clear extremes in self-control (unhealthy and appalling versions of the more natural and dignified cold shower) brings a hoard of generally-misinformed disrespectful bigots out of their caves to poop on religion. As mentioned before in the comments, these devices were carefully crafted by individuals of the very special kind of crazy persuasion. Not by Muhammed. Or Ghandi. Or St. Patrick.

87 Gerald December 2, 2012 at 2:22 am

Bin Laden was circumsized….

This is just an archaic practice… might had a use if you are from a wilderness without enough water to wash yaself…

ah yes, and the recto rotor buttplug is even today a bestseller for men and women for sure.

88 Tim January 18, 2013 at 11:52 am

So a natural, healthy nocturnal emission was bad but sliding in an electric butt-plug was acceptable?

89 toni February 1, 2013 at 9:33 am

Ah, about that comment on circumcision being “Christianity’s contribution to the world.”

Dude, a little perspective…
The comment was snarky and incorrect. Christians did not invent circumcision. Nice little ball of hate ya got going, there pal.

90 Hairanon February 26, 2013 at 1:21 am

I wonder how the chest hair toupee would actually look like. This is a great article dude, I had fun reading it! I was cursing along and ended up here…..I just cant get over some of the products listed!! lol

91 grrbl4h March 21, 2013 at 10:09 am

Some of that sounds like something out of Hellraiser.

92 Carlotta March 22, 2013 at 9:34 pm

That advertising sucks but doesn’t even come close to the bs women are subjected too today.

93 Anonymous March 29, 2013 at 4:25 pm

Can you imagine being a “tester” for one of these products?

94 MP April 1, 2013 at 6:46 pm

I have seen other articles and pictures of these anti masturbation devices, as amusing as they are I find it hard to believe any time in history people were actually that stupid, glad to know they did not breed.

95 Mike Taylor April 3, 2013 at 7:11 pm

I think I’ll order one of those penile restraints tomorrow.

Looks like tons-o-fun.

96 Christian April 11, 2013 at 9:41 am

Now I know where the creators of Ren & Stimpy got their “hairy chest wig” idea from. I can’t believe it was a real product!

97 Viceroy April 11, 2013 at 8:54 pm

Some of these aren’t so bad, especially the latter. Who wants to have wet dreams?

98 Silva April 25, 2013 at 10:29 pm

“Piles” stands for hemorrhoids

99 Stanley May 18, 2013 at 10:48 pm

Clip-on ties…
Why would someone encourage laziness in formalwear?
Damn the man who invented clip-ons!

100 Rich May 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm

In a phrase often quoted as being from P.T. Barnum ( Although it was actually spoken by a man named David Hannum criticizing Barnum and his customers), “There is a sucker born every minute”.

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