My wife Jane and I are celebrating our 15th anniversary this month. Hooray for us! It really feels like I’ve hit the jackpot, because my wife and I enjoy each other’s company more and more with every passing year. I don’t think there’s some big secret that has kept us blissfully happy this long — I tend to think that we genuinely just really like each other.
A funny thing happens though after you’ve been married for 10 (or 15) years and you still seem happy: you’ll start to get folks asking for relationship tips or advice every once in a while. Honestly, I usually feel wholly unqualified to answer; people seem to want advice for the hard parts, but our marriage has not had many trials, and we don’t fight very often.
I’ve often wondered why I don’t find marriage difficult, when the messaging around long-term relationships often says otherwise. Is there something we’re actually doing differently? Are our easy-going personalities suited to a higher baseline level of contentment? Are we just too passive and Midwestern to bring up problems and somehow it works for us? (There’s probably some truth to all of those!)
A few years ago, however, I was forced to think through these questions a bit more when I was asked to officiate a dear friend’s wedding ceremony. Beyond just guiding the couple through exchanging vows, I wanted to give some solid advice! After thinking about it for a while, I realized there was indeed a specific framework that has helped my wife and I avoid the fights that seem more common among folks we know and even amongst couples in pop culture depictions of marriage. I don’t remember if we came by this idea naturally or encountered it somewhere else, but it’s really worked for us and might help you as well.
Fight the Problem, Not Each Other
It’s all too easy for any argument in a marriage — whether about work, kids, family, money, personality differences, whatever — to turn into a battle of you versus them. In this typical fight, there is a winner and loser, though it’s usually the case that you both lose to some degree and the original problem may or may not be resolved.
Our culture and even our biology have wired us to approach conflict as an adversarial contest. When we encounter threats, even small ones, we interpret them as being a danger to our happiness and way of life. We get defensive, put on our armor, and prepare for battle.
In this scenario, you and your partner are like two knights, fighting over a prized jewel. Only one of you can get it, so you duke it out until someone decisively wins or one of you simply becomes too tired to keep going. For some couples, this won’t look like actual fighting, but will be a war of silent looks and disdainful thoughts — which can be just as dangerous.
I want to propose a different paradigm.
Rather than framing your argument or issue as you versus them, think about it as you and your partner versus the problem.
The baby is crying in the middle of the night and you’re mad at each other because you can’t agree on who should get up, which leads to an argument about who’s doing more diaper changes, what your overall sleep strategy should be, etc. Naturally, your exhaustion exacerbates the problem. Instead, what if you thought of it as you and your partner versus the fussy baby? It’s a funny image, I know, but it truly worked for us when our children were tiny — the silliness of the idea can work in your favor. How can you work together to solve this problem — to (metaphorically!) slay this baby dragon that’s standing in the way of the prized jewel of good sleep and happy parents?
It works even when the problem doesn’t have a face. If your budget just isn’t coming together and the bank account seems a little low, it can easily turn couples against each other. Why are you spending so much? Why aren’t you working harder to get a promotion? Instead, think of it as you and your spouse versus that stupid bank account. How can you team up to save more money? How can one of you support the other for a season of putting in more hours on the job?
Of course there are some issues that this framework can’t resolve. You and your spouse versus an affair won’t work the same. But for the recurring arguments that aren’t on an existential level, it can go a long way.
You and your partner can create an almost playful mindset along the lines of, “The world is conspiring against us and trying to tear us apart; we have to figure out how to beat back the darkness, together.”
Stop thinking of problem areas in your relationship as you against your spouse, and start thinking: It’s us against the world.
