Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

When I asked my in-laws for their daughter to marry, they were very surprised that in the 1990s men still did that.

Ironically both of them were against it.

We’ve been married 16 years, mostly great times with the occasional down.

My in-laws seem to adore me now, and I’m also very fond of them both.

At the ripe old age of 21 I asked my father-in-law for his eldest daughter’s hand in marriage. That was back in 2006. We have been married well over a year now. My wife is due with our first in July. I bought our house back in October. We expect to grow old together in our little home on the Jersey Shore. I have married my best friend and would say it has been the happiest time of my life.

Recently my 24 year old daughter’s boyfriend came and asked for both mine and my husband’s blessing to marrying our daughter. We could not give it. We told him clearly it wasnt because we didnt think him suitable but the timing was inappropriate. They have only been dating just over 3 months. Both are keen to get married. Our daughter has been very impulsive in the last 12-24 months. Only 5 months ago wanting to move in with a feller she had only known a couple of months only to break up 2 weeks later. We fear she is more interested in finding someone to marry but not necessarily Mr Right. She just wants someone to marry her! Her younger sister by 4 years is engaged and is to be married in 12 months time. They were engaged six months ago and so have a very decent time to wait and enjoy being fiances. Now our eldest daughter who has only known the guy just over three months wants to jump ahead and quickly marry this year. In total, meet, engage and marry in under 8 months.

We know it has worked for some. He possibly is the right guy but given her track record want them to wait a bit longer and also be considerate of her younger sister and not jump the cue! We dont understand why there is a need to rush things.

It was difficult not to give our blessing and we feel somewhat disappointed that we have been robbed of the opportunity to be happy…if only they would wait…its just too early. Our daughter is missing out on being able to share this what should be happy time. We’re pretty sure that everyone she announces to will also have concerns. Everyone will miss out on being happy for them and naturally, they wont be happy either.

We dont know what to do from here.

#7 wouldn’t it be the rest of my life?

OK, forgive my snarkiness, wonderful article, and I think it is a wonderful tradition. I am curious though, my gal’s parents live 6 hours away, and he visits here much more frequently then i visit there (never have). Would it be acceptable to wait for a visit and as him then? That and how long after asking her for her hand is acceptable?

@Michael-

I would say waiting for him to visit you is fine if you’re not in a hurry.

“That and how long after asking her for her hand is acceptable?”

Could you clarify what you mean here?

here’s the scoop…

fundamentally, in biologic history man has protected the woman and woman has civilized the man. the asking has to do with the woman moving from the man’s protection to the future husband’s. It has nothing to do with property. (and notice the woman’s power in this arrangement)

can’t wait for the name-calling regarding my opinion :-) … about how misogynist and backward it is, ‘chauvinist, insensitive, and inappropriate’,… respondents reasoning out of their own little experience, and protected by social systems that allow them to delude themselves. but it’s the truth.

oh, and what does ‘sexist’ mean? To me, it means recognizing the differences between the two. Thus only a fool could fail to be sexist.

(tip: if your future father-in-law is not the kind that can be asked, you should consider long and hard whether you should be interlinking with that other family web. not saying it won’t work, just that you are defying the odds).

then finally, why are women who are ‘independent’ and self-sufficient bothering to read this men’s site? why should they care? and commenting to correct the author? mebbe they have a few control issues of their own? :-)

I think it should not only the father’s heart should be win by a guy it should be both because what if the father is okay with his daughter marrying but the mother is not yet ready? So, to have the blessings from both parents are really important to make your marriage life successful and harmonious.

The tips being mentioned on how to win parents’ heart as you want to ask their daughter’s hand for settling down are very good as this will be the start of the foundation you want to build with the bride’s family to be in good terms on both sides.

I really do admire men who knows how to ask for blessings from the bride’s sides because it means sincerity and respects the girl’s family so much.

I think there’s a big difference between asking for permission, and asking for a blessing. I specifically told my husband before we were engaged NOT to ask for my father for permission – because he’s marrying me, not my dad, and we would do it regardless of his opinion. But if he had called and asked both my parents for a blessing, that would’ve been totally fine with me. He didn’t, and that was okay with me, too.

Big difference between:
a) asking for permission
b) requesting a blessing.

The original post seems to inexplicably conflate two entirely different things. Asking for a blessing is NOT asking for permission. Any male who asks a woman’s father permission is showing that he is a boy, not a man.

I think I’d be a little offended if my boyfriend asked my father for my “hand in marriage” before he proposed to me. The only person he needs to ask for my hand in marriage is me, since I’m the only one with purview over it. It’s one thing to approach my father and maybe seek his *blessing* or declare your intentions, perhaps after discussing intent to marry with me. Personally I’d much rather him ask my mother for a blessing, since she is the closest person in my life and my father will have little to do with it.

It IS a sexist tradition, but that doesn’t mean some people don’t enjoy it and like it. People enjoy and like sexist things every day :) But I think that men should ask their future wives for their input on whether they think this is “sweet” and “gentlemanly” or just plain sexist before they approach their future wives’ fathers. Personally I’m not impressed by a man discussing me with my father like I’m a piece of property they’re brokering a deal on (“He wants to know that he’s handing off his little girl to someone…” Handing off? I’m not a little girl nor is my father “handing me off” to anyone).

One of the problems of the “why doesn’t the woman ask the man’s parent’s permission?” question is that the engagement is usually the guy “surprising” the girl. A good middle ground is either that he 1) speak to his parents, then her parents, then propose with everyone’s blessings or 2) speak with her parents, propose, and then go as a couple to speak with his parents. I really hope one of those things would happen when I get asked!

For me the reasons for asking are these: 1. I want my fiance to be accepted completely into my family so I want to know about any possible hiccups BEFORE I say yes to marrying the guy! 2. I think the person I marry should have the balls to have one hard serious talk with my parents–I mean, if he’s going to be with me for my whole life we might end up taking care of them in their old age! 3. I’m hoping for them to cover part of the costs of the wedding, so it’s very important for me to know whether they support this marriage (although I guess if my half of the family never showed the wedding would be much cheaper :P).

It’s nothing to do with that I’m some chattel. I’m a grown woman who is getting her PhD and am completely financially independent. It’s about my fiance making a seamless transition into my family as a true son and showing that he has the guts and cares about me enough that he wants the important people in my life to support and smile upon our marriage. As I said above, I would definitely have a conversation with his parents after he popped the question to make sure of their blessings before I proceeded with the wedding plans (since I want to be sure that I can be a daughter to them too). This is something that all women can do as a sign of respect to his family.

Hard to believe this thread is still alive!

Actually, a LOT of the traditions that permeate our wedding culture are sexist and somewhat degrading to the woman. This includes the big flashy proposal (always by the man, people would judge a woman proposing in this way as weird and desperate), the engagement ring, the father walking the bride down the aisle, the idea that the wedding should be the bride’s big day more than the groom’s and a host of other customs we take for granted. These all communicate the idea that the woman has been elevated in some way because a man has deigned to choose her. That some women buy into this idea doesn’t somehow make it less sexist. Believe it or not, there are ways to marry in a way that expresses the joy both man and woman take in the occasion, and in ways that express respect for the man and woman’s families, without playing into scripts that play into tired, old gender roles.

I think it is the bride’s responsibility to ease her groom’s entry into the family and to obtain her parent’s blessing. Similarly, the groom is to do the same with his family. When I got engaged, I asked my parents to invite my fiance (now husband) to dinner (“there is someone I really want you to meet”). After we had a nice meal, my fiance left and I stayed behind to tell them that we would be getting married and that I hoped my parents liked him. He did the same with his family. If my husband had spoken to my father separately, my father would have questioned my judgment in marrying him!

I’m sorry but I think it at least partly depends on circumstances. For myself, I had met her parents many times. Her father didn’t care- I’m vaguely sure he likes me. But her strong-willed dragon of a mother wanted me to ask her permission. For one thing, I don’t give a damn about their permission- I’m marrying her, not them. For another, I know her mother hates me. What then? What if she says no? Screw her. I went out of my way to be clean, calm, polite, and friendly. If they still don’t like me, they can cram it up their behinds. Maybe when you’ve been made to feel at least somewhat welcome, but even then. It reeks of buying property, and I just don’t feel that way towards the love of my life. And I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with my own daughter’s boyfriend asking me. I would feel it creepy. It’s her life- if I’ve done a good job raising her, she should be happy with the caliber of the man she’s with, and if that’s the case then what does my opinion matter?

When, sorry for that ramble, I’ve been having issues with her parents for the last few years ever since I asked her first instead of them.

Correction:
[…] I love my girlfriend and I am not afraid to go through whatever it takes to move forward. If I *was afraid* [of a delay in proposal], I shouldn’t be looking at a married life to her.

Liz, your dad is absolutely right! While this idea may work for SOME couples, it is absolutely not right for everyone. I just don’t like the idea that many people contributing (even the marriage proposal guide himself) advocate that this should be done, as if the objections posted don’t matter — he’d do it again if he had the chance and recommends the same. IF the woman agrees she would like the man to approach her father/parents, then go for it. But for many of us, the very idea is offensive. I’m actually pretty traditional about marriage, but nobody’s blessing is required for me — not even my parents who I love and respect very much. I loved when we went to them together, hand in hand, to tell them we were getting married. It was a beautiful moment for us, and one I was able to share. My dad probably would have kicked his $#@ if he had gone to him alone — even just for approval. Like my mom said — if you’re not adult enough to make this decision for yourself, you’re not adult enough to handle marriage.

To the women who find it necessary to post on a man’s site about what a man should or shouldn’t do, you are why men are having difficulty with being men. I especially like the women who say their dad would punch, hit or otherwise kick their future husband’s butt. If this happened in my case, my future wife would have been disappointed to discover that their dad made a serious mistake in judgement. Don’t worry women, I don’t see a rush to require women to ask their prospective mother or parents for permission or blessing to marry their son. It is only a man thing. One more man thing some women want to change and take away. Here is my whole point. Somethings are sexist because no matter how much women would like to be men or men would like to be women, they can’t. To make women more likeable to men, or in this case, men more likeable to women, one must abandon and change their sex. An asexual society would be so like a woman. I’d rather have a man ask me for my daughter because of whatever their reason. It shows me their not afraid or ashamed of taking whatever happens because of their love. Because of their love for my daughter. That’s a man that will make a good husband, father, and man!

I have known for a while that my girl is the one for me. I would like to ask her mom and step-dad for her hand in marriage. However, they live about 7 hours away from my home town. This leaves limited opportunities to ask them in person (especially since when we visit her parents, we are all together the majority of the time). The next time we will be together will be the last time for 6 months and it happens to be for her older sister’s wedding. Is it tacky to try and find a minute to talk to her parents the weekend of her older sister’s wedding? Or should I wait and just ask both parents over the phone?

Absolutely great article.

I looked up the subject because I do believe in tradition and wanted to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Having read them, I’m a little confused.

I love my girlfriend completely and we’ve seven months living together after we met last year. The problem is that she now lives in a different country- but we have fallen for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. If she is not the girl for me, then no-body is.

I have only met her parents once, although we have chatted a few times, and it really seems her mum rules the roost! I think they are fantastic people and respect their opinions seeing as I will be taking their daughter out of the country to live with me. Understandably, I’m sure they will not be wholly supportive of this decision.

I wanted to ask for her father’s blessing before I proposed (my g/f and I have talked about getting married and we both want to) but now I think I will have a chat with both parents face to face, when I go out to visit them. I just want to do things properly, and ensure them of my good intentions. But now having read this article and heard opinions from the women, I will have a chat with my girlfriend first and let her know that if I was in her parents position, I would want a future husband to do the same thing.

It IS our decision ultimately, but like ‘giving the bride away’ and ‘going down on bended knee’, there are some traditions that should be kept. I will ask her them both for their blessing, not their permission, and ensure them that I will do all I can to love and care for their daughter. After-all they have raised superbly her for the last 24 years, I can hardly not expect them to have an opinion now.

Wish me luck

I don’t understand how any of this is difficult for anyone to understand.

If you ask the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage, you are effectively turning the girl into a piece of property. That’s totally fine, if you have a very old-fashioned relationship in that way- different strokes for different folks. Just be aware…thats what’s going on.

If you ask the father (or father and mother) for their blessing, it is less of a property-transaction type deal, but you are still being quite sexist by not expecting her to do the same with your family. That’s still a one-way gender expectation street.

The crux of the issue, as far as I’m concerned, is that if either partner’s family is present enough in their life to be “askable” in the first place, the other partner should have gotten to know that family quite well already, so there shouldn’t be any issue of a “smooth transition” or whatever other excuses were given for the practice. If the partner’s family has disowned them or died or whatever, then it isn’t an issue whatsoever.

I expect my future wife to be a full partner in the relationship, not me running things and her agreeing to them. As a result, I would never marry a woman that expected me to ask her father or parents for anything. I’ve heard people say “you don’t marry a girl, you marry a family,” but that’s a straw man. You marry a GIRL, and hopefully gain some new family as a result

I like the article. Distasteful to some yet unabashedly honorable. Tip of the hat.
If the father doesn’t approve, deal with it as you see fit (as a man). Life is rough, make it work anyway.

Ok this is from a girls perspective, and I know not everyone is the same but to me, I don’t see this as sexist, I see it as a sign of respect to my father, me and my bf of 3yrs have been talking about marriage a lot here lately and I can feel it coming any day now, but I did explain to him that I would like for him to talk to my dad first. Not for permission but to talk about his intentions before it happens. With me, I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and my father is a great man and I know how much respect my bf has for him, so with them its like a talk with a good friend. And my parents aren’t together, so I don’t see mom hardly ever, so I don’t see a point in MY boyfriend asking both parents, but in a different situation I’d rather it be mom and dad..
I’m confident we’ll get his blessing, but its a sign of respect to the parents whether its the mom/dad/grandma or whoever it may be, especially if the two are close!

-soon-to-be , bride-to-be?

Before marriage, the young lady is under the authority, direction, and care of her father. He is to provide physical, emotional, and financial protection for her. If a young man wants that responsibility transferred to him, he must seek out the father, and, yes, ask his permission.
Great post here.

I would add one more step to the above instructions:

8. Listen to your future father-in-law’s response.

When I did this, 90% of the talking was done by my father-in-law. They probably would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice.