One of the downsides of being a man is that our reproductive organs, i.e., our nards, hang outside of our bodies, leaving them vulnerable to impact. When your nards take a hit, it hurts. A lot. You may even feel sick to your stomach after a particularly severe blow.
No man, or part-canine/part-man, knows the pain of getting hit in the nards quite like Wolfman — a character from the 1987 cinematic masterpiece, Monster Squad.
In the illustrated guide above, Wolfman shows you what to do if you suffer a similar fate and get kicked in the nards. Let’s review and unpack these recommendations:
Lie down and rest. Your first line of treatment is to simply lie down and rest. Usually the pain of getting hit in the testicles will subside in about 15 minutes. Growing up, I remember being told to lie down on your back and bring your knees to your chest, but my research in nard-directed first aid didn’t bring up that suggestion. Rest is the key.
Apply an ice pack. If your nards are still hurting after your initial 15-minute recovery period, consider applying an ice pack to reduce inflammation. You don’t want to apply the cold compress directly to the skin of your nards; make sure there’s a barrier in between. Play some Pitfall! with your mummy pal.
Take an ibuprofen. Ask your mad-scientist-created, neck-bolted pal for some Advil to help reduce pain and inflammation.
If the pain doesn’t go away in an hour, go to the doctor. If the pain doesn’t subside within 60 minutes, seek medical attention. You may have damaged your testicles and will need surgery to repair and save them.
There you go. What to do if you get kicked in the nards. To avoid this fate befalling you, don’t chase kids around when you turn into a werewolf. Also, avoid hanging out with Bobby Hill.
Rad illustration by Ted Slampyak