Readers email us surprisingly often with questions about opening doors for women. AoM readers are interested in being gentlemen and obviously understand the basics of this traditional act of chivalry: when you get to a door before a lady, you should open it for her. But they wonder about scenarios where the set-up isn’t as cut and dry. What do you do with revolving doors? What about doors that push in instead of pull out? Do you keep holding the door for others after your date has gone through?
In today’s post, I’ll attempt to offer some guidelines to help a gentleman navigate a variety of door-opening situations.
A Word on Door-Opening and Other Acts of Old Fashioned Chivalry
Before we get to the ins and outs of door opening, let us take a moment to discuss its place in modern society, because not everyone feels its a tradition worth preserving. There are some women who are offended by it because they think it implies the inferior status of women–that women are too weak to open doors for themselves. Kate thinks that if you’re dating a woman who takes umbrage at having the door opened for her, that’s a red flag, because it signals that she does not understand that a woman can be smart and independent while still being playful about gender roles. I can’t really speak to that, so I’ll let the ladies duke it out. Then there are men who think you shouldn’t do things like open doors for women because if women want to be fully independent and equal these days, then they need to give up being treated with any special consideration. To me this is an entirely wrong-headed approach to relationships, because it’s premised on the idea that everything must be tit for tat. Yes, you open doors for a woman, but your woman probably does special things for you. If she doesn’t, then that’s the problem, not chivalry itself. It’s madness to think that equality must mean doing the exact same things for each other and constantly keeping score.
Relationships: They're about natural reciprocity, not tit-for-tat score keeping.
Personally, I think preserving a few small differences in the expectations of male/female behavior, simply as symbols of our differences, keeps things fun. Rules and traditions give life texture and meaning, as opposed to living life in an entirely blah postmodern wasteland. Sameness is boring. Differences create attraction.
The Ins and Outs of Opening a Door for a Woman
There are two ways to mess up etiquette. One is too ignore it altogether. The other is to over-think it and overdo it, and thus make it weird and awkward. So keep that in mind as you read these guidelines; the most important thing to remember is simply to be natural and to use common sense! It’s definitely not too complicated; these guidelines are simply designed to allow you to be smooth, instead of standing there havy-cavy, wondering what to do.
Opening doors for women requires their cooperation. If you get to the door before a woman, opening the door is simple. Just open the door and hold it for her. Things get awkward when you and your gal arrive at the door at the same time or she gets there before you. In these types of situations, opening doors becomes much like a dance. Each sex has a role they need to fill for the operation to successfully work. If your lady arrives at the door before you or at the same time as you, she should step slightly to one side so that you can open the door without knocking her on her tuckus. If she opens the door for herself, that’s not a problem. See below.
If she starts opening the door for herself, just pull it further open. If your lady arrives at the door first and starts opening it on her own, all you need to do is to help pull the door open further. Don’t brush her hand off the door knob or door handle and don’t offer any sanctimonious ”I insist” or “allow me” entreaties. Basically, don’t make a big deal about it.
With double doors, open the first, but not the second. When there is a door, and then an entryway airlock area, and then another door, open the outside door, allow the woman to step inside the airlock, and then for the second door, do as indicated above and simply help the woman open the door as she goes through. She may wait inside the airlock for you to open the second door entirely, and that is fine of course.
Don’t knock her over to get to the door first. Some men, eager to show off their gallantry, will rush to the door to ensure they arrive before a woman does. Don’t do that. It just looks desperate and can make a date feel awkward. The key to a successful door opening (and good manners in general) is to make it look effortless.
If she doesn’t want the door opened for her, respect that. Some women will tell you straight up that they don’t like doors opened for them. Fair enough. Just respect that, let her open her own doors, and don’t make a federal case of it.
Don’t expect consistency. Your gal might open several doors for herself in an evening, but then out of the blue she’ll step aside indicating that she wants you to open the door for her. So watch for that and read her body language. Again, it’s like dancing.
If the door swings in, go through the door first and hold it for her. Doors that open inwards can prove tricky for any gentleman. The best way to go about them is to go through the door before your date does in order to hold the door open for her. If she arrives at the door first and begins pushing the door open, stand on the side where the door hinges are and simply extend your arm over her head to take the door’s weight from her as she passes through.
Try to avoid the situation where you’re standing in the doorway holding the door open with your back. You don’t want your date tripping over your feet or having to squeeze herself between you and the doorframe.
Also avoid the position where you’re standing at the door sill, on the side opposite the door’s hinges, holding the door open with your hand. This will force your lady to duck under your arm as she goes through the door.
Your duty is to your woman, not the public at large. I don’t know how many times I’ve opened a door for a date and then stood there holding the door for a gaggle of complete strangers. Consequently, my date was left standing in the lobby alone, waiting for me. After your woman has walked through the door, follow her through. I understand you want to be courteous to everyone, but your priority should be your date.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should just let a door slam shut in somebody’s face. As you pass through the door, look behind you to see if anybody is following close behind and hold the door open long enough for them to take control of the door. If you see somebody several steps away from the door, there’s no need to hold it open for them.
With revolving doors, reach out and slow it down so that she can step in. This rule is especially true for older revolving doors that lack the auto-revolving feature that many modern revolving doors have.
What About Opening Car Doors?
Open the car door for a lady these days, and this may be the kind of reaction you get. Shock! "This man has clearly been reading the Art of Manliness," she muses.
If you’re on a date with a woman, opening car doors is a gesture that will surely get her attention. But car doors pose some special problems. Here are a few guidelines on how to open car doors for women.
Always try to open the door for a date when she enters the vehicle. If you don’t have anything obstructing you, always open the door for your date when entering the vehicle. You should have cleaned your car before the date, but if you have any crumbs or other gunk in the passenger side seat, sweep it off before she sits down.
Offer your hand as she gets in and out. The added support a hand can provide a woman in a dress and heels as she gets in and out of car will be appreciated. A helping hand is especially important if your car is a pick-up truck that’s jacked a few feet off the ground or a sports car that rides low to the ground.
Before shutting a car door, make sure all appendages, skirt bottoms, and purse straps are inside the vehicle. You don’t want to ruin your date by slamming her foot in the door or tearing a dress. Give a quick check to make sure everything is safely inside. I’ll even ask Kate, “Everything in?” before shutting the door just to make sure.
If there’s not much room between your car and the car parked next to you, let her open her own door. Don’t force the gesture if it’s just not possible to perform.
Don’t feel obligated to open the car door for her when exiting the vehicle. Most people get out of a car as soon as it parks. Successfully opening a car door for a woman so she can exit will probably require you to say, “Hey, don’t get out. I want to open the car door for you.” She’ll then have to sit there and wait as you exit the driver’s side door and circle around to the passenger’s side so you can open it. You’ll just create a spectacle and may make your date feel like she’s being chauffeured instead of courted.
Holding Doors Regardless of Gender
Holding doors open isn’t something you need to do just for women. It’s an act of common courtesy that you can show to any person whether they be man or woman. If you get to the door first before a dude, holding the door open for him is completely fine.
A gentleman should always hold the door open for someone who is more physically burdened than him. If you see an older person, a person with an obvious physical aliment, or a person holding a crap load of packages, hold the door open for them no matter if they’re a man or a woman.
And if someone opens a door for you, always smile and say, “Thank you!”
Any other tips and advice on opening doors for women? Share them with us in the comments.
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Here’s one:
When i was dating my wife, I opened the car door for her, waited until she was situated, closed the door and proceeded to the driver’s side of the vehicle. She then reached over to unlock my door for me from the inside of the car! The common courtesy was reciprocated by her and I knew I had found a special lady indeed!
Ah, one more thing. I have noticed a unique trend. Perhaps it is just something that happens here in the south, but I have noticed that women born from the late Generation X (circa 1965-1980) seem to be the demographic that are offended by the act of opening a door. Women from the earlier Gen X (closer to the ’65 year) don’t seem to mind so much. Further, many of the women from the Generation Y (1980-2000) seem to really appreciate the gesture. I wonder if this is because of the civil rights movement in the 60s (to include feminism). Now that the men vs women drama has settled somewhat, maybe these younger women see it truly as a sign of conventional courtesy and not a way of treating women as a weaker population that “need” special attention.
A gentleman should always hold the door open for someone who is more physically burdened than him. If you see an older person, a person with an obvious physical aliment, or a person holding a crap load of packages, hold the door open for them no matter if they’re a man or a woman.
CRAP LOAD??? Oh MY!!!
Spense your taking that from once upon a time in Brooklyn Arent you? LOL
Great article! I’ve never seen a lady offended when I opened a door for her. Often, I receive a kind comment and smile. I regularly job on an indoor track at a local college, and I find that college age girls are typically both shocked and flattered when a gentleman does this for them. I hate seeing college age men breeze through a door, allowing it to slam in a lady’s face.
As a Gen X member I have only met one woman who did not care or want me to open doors for her. I’m happy to report that every single time I open the car door for my GF other women notice and act in a positive way. As for stairs, my understanding is that when going upstairs the man should let the woman go first and when going downstairs the man should go first. Anyone agree?
I love it when men open the door for me. I consider it a sign of politeness, respect and the mark of a gentleman. It always makes me feel good and brings a smile to my face and I always thank the gentleman for his efforts.
I’m a old fashioned southern girl and I expect men to behave like gentlemen.
Thanks for the great article.
Brian Schorr
I don’t know what the rules are about going up and down stairs, but I am always uncomfortable about going up the stairs ahead of a man. My thoughts go like this – “Is he looking at my butt” “can he see up my skirt”, ” is he following me?” etc. I can’t see him so I don’t know what he may be thinking about doing, so I am uncomfortable, especially on stairs where there aren’t any people around.
Hope this view from the other side helps.
Carolyn
Etiquette is not invariant, it changes with changes in culture. Chivalry and overt respect for manhood by women once went hand-in-hand. Now women as a group exhibit contempt for masculinity. Why then should we respond to their disrespect with continued subservience toward them? I say, if a woman can compete with a man in the boardroom for a promotion, let her pay for her own dinners and open her own doors.
Thank you Mr. McKay for this article…as a young lady I feel this is such a great set of guidelines for today’s world. They are well balanced between old- fashioned chivalry and modern practicality.
Oops, forgot to acknowledge Mrs. McKay, also I would have to agree when going up stairs I would want the gentleman to proceed me. When going downstairs I don’t care though.
Being born and raised in the South, I was always taught to open doors for ladies. It started with Mama and Grandma then moved onto my female friends.
I really like this article, and I totally agree with almost everything you said!
However, on one account, I disagree with when it comes to the most tricky of door-opening procedures: the double set of doors/airlock situation. After realizing how awkward this can become in a practical scenario, I came up with my own conclusion on what to do. I personally will open the first door for myself and hold it or look back to make sure she has a hold of it, then be sure to stop and open the second door for her.
I do this because I don’t think it’s about who enters the door first, but about who emerges from the doorway first. I would rather have a beautiful woman precede myself into any room. Also, I think it’s awkward to be gung-ho on opening the first door for a woman so that she doesn’t have to muscle it herself, only to leave her to do that very thing with the second door or stand awkwardly waiting for you (which likely wouldn’t happen anyways). By opening the first door for yourself, all she has to do is keep it open as she walks through and then she has the second door opened for her. I think this provides a much better and more desirable result overall.
But that’s just what I’ve found in my life! Like you said, keep it smooth and keep it natural!
Does anyone know where this tradition came from? I always thought that it was from the middle ages when a knight would open the door to allow his wife pass through before him in case someone on the other side was waiting to attack him. If women were held in high regard they would be relatively safe from harm allowing the knight to draw his sword while the other held his attack. Either that or women were considered chattel and therefore worth less than a man, never mind a knight, so if they were killed then “no big deal”.
Just a couple of thoughts.
I have a question for you guys. What do you do if the woman is driving the car? I ask this because the woman I am dating was offended that I didn’t open the car door for her even though she was driving. She insists on driving all of the time. So what is the proper etiquette? Thanks.
In this matter, the evolution of men and women has caused the door opening phenomena. Way back in the day women were not allowed out of their cave, tent, or thatched- roof cottage in Plymouth MA. Once they had gained that freedom to leave the premises, they were on foot or later in a horse-drawn cart-no doors. Men did not have to be considerate of women’s door opening requirements, as there wasn’t any need for this sort of behavior. Then when the auto came around and men had to bring women along, there came the problem of having to also lug stuff; because you know women NEED stuff for everyone. Possibly an expectant woman with a picnic basket full of homemade goodies, attempting to open the mammoth, steel door of the old model T, with hands full and stomach bulging, harkened in the man some old, genetic spark of chivalry. I am thankful for what ever caused manners to exist in all its splendid forms; after all, they are what distinguish us from the animals.
Please don’t make the woman go upstairs before you–it makes us think you’re looking up our skirt or looking at our butt. Also, be careful about opening the car door for her because if she’s wearing a skirt or dress, she can worry about flashing you when she sits down.
@ Carolyn Haywood,
When going up or downstairs or on a travelator a man should let the woman go first on the way up and the man should go first on the way down. That way if you happened to fall on the way up, gravity pulling you down, you would fall into the man and he would then stop you from tumbling down the whole way, same going down. I have had a woman complain when I went in front of her going down the stairs and politely pointed out that etiquette does dictate a man go first and went on to explain that I would much prefer it if she fell into me then she would me falling into her. Needless to say there was no reply back lol
PS As for looking up skirts, no porper Gentlemen would.
I would also like to ask what people think about us chaps walking on the outside of the pavement? My parents taught me to always walk on the outside (I think this stems from back in the day when we carried swords on our left but could be wrong) from when I was little. I only ever had one girl complain about me doing it although a few days later I had to step out into the road and nearly got run over. Her reply, ‘I am glad that wasn’t me’.
Excellent, excellent article! I especially love this:
“Holding doors open isn’t something you need to do just for women. It’s an act of common courtesy that you can show to any person whether they be man or woman. ”
Etiquette shouldn’t be about rigidly following a set of rules — it’s about showing courtesy and respect for others, regardless of gender. There will always be a few people, men or women, who will be offended that you did or didn’t observe a particlur rule of etiquette in the way they prefer or expect, but most people will recognize considerate actions and respond appreciatively.
Great blog! I personally feel that it depends on the women you’re currently with. Some still like the old fashioned door opening, others like it sometimes for a surprise, some like to open it on their own. Just like anything else, there’s variety.
I think the issue here is that you should just open doors for everyone. Everyone should. I am a woman and I hold doors open for people. Everyone likes to be treated a little special. I don’t mind when people hold doors open for me, but I do like to return the favor. Men who get upset about that really frustrate me – that’s the issue that women who dislike this kind of special treatment have, not *just* that it implies you think that they’re weak.
Even though you really do, in this article at least. At the end, you suggest that men hold doors open not just for women, but for men who are physically burdened or disabled. That implies you class women together with the physically disabled – it DOES show an insistence on some kind of superiority. Ovaries are not a disability – that’s not why you should hold a door open for a women. You should hold a door open for your date because she’s a person, and ALL people deserve and enjoy respect, and in the case of a date, some special treatment.
At my blog, I encourage women to respond to men that open doors this way: “Men are never more handsome than when they show special favor to a lady.”
Guy
I will hold a door open for any person regardless of their gender. The thing that really bugs me is when people refuse to acknowledge my efforts. I remember once in high school when my entire grade twelve class was attending mass I ended up holding the door open for a line of about three hundred students and a dozen or so teachers, I was appalled by the fact that I could count all the Thank you’s I got on one hand. Another time i was actually told to get out of the way when iI was holding the door open for a young lady.
I was told years ago that revolving doors were an exception to “ladies first.” It was thought that a gentleman should precede his date through a revolving door. In that way, he sets it in motion for her so she can just follow through without having to move the door herself–the equivalent of opening and holding a regular door for her.
My now x gf would insist I open every door no matter what. I didnt mind at first but it quickly turned from something done to be nice for her to a burden or degrading to me. When in a car, no matter if she was driving or I was, she would sit and wait after we parked for me to exit my door and walk around to open hers. I quickly felt like I was her servant more than something that I wanted to do. If I didnt do it there would be a big problem so I continued but it just built up resentment in me and I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Something as little as opening a door turned into a degrading task in my eyes and I really hated it.
Loved the posting, it is one way to my heart or act of kindness. If I have to tell a man to hold the door open for me, it is a huge red flag.
It tells me his true character.
One detail left out…In a crowded public setting, such as entering a restaurant or a store, the man enters first and holds the door. The idea behind this is that if someone comes flying through from the other side with a gun in his hand or knife, the man will be the protection.
To Wendy Pan:
No, you should not open and hold doors open for men, unless they are elderly. It defeats the notion of male-female etiquette and here in Europe, men do not like those kinds of “equalizing ” gestures at all.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. McKay,
Thank you for continuing the tradition of sex-based manners, and feeling fine with it. I used to reject the idea when much younger, but as I grow older I have become a chivalry (and manners) enthusiast. Chivalry embraces a man thinking outside of himself to consider others and take action. It embraces a woman, often the giver/caretaker, to receive a courtesy. Your pic of the woman holding the umbrella for the man as he opens her car door perfectly exemplified the kindness reciprocity that two people share when both consider the other as they move through life. I’ve found that when a man is chivalrous I relax more, knowing that I’m in the presence of someone else who notices where help can be offered.
Hey,
-I’m sorry if that was said before, but holy dog 130, i can’t possibly catch up-
I like the general tone of the article, and especially the insistence on “do not insist”, but I think you got it wrong when it comes to the reason some women reject this chivalry. The problem is not -at least in my experience- that they need to be independent about every single act (the woman that doesn’t like you open the door for her on a regular day may be perfectly comfortable with you doing it when she actually needs it).
The problem is that chivalry is, by practice, a selective institution: traditionally, men didn’t hold doors for maids or prostitutes. Or women of “questionable value”, a group who was, of course, identified by the fact that other men refused to hold their doors.
Normalizing chivalry leaves “denying chivalry” open as a form of aggression, and this is a thing that actually happens, to this day. And some women are worried that the guy holding the door for them is a guy who would deny them this act if they had seven face pierces and purple hair, and don’t want to encourage his categorizing of people.
Of course, the suspicion that your guy is trying to pidgeon-hole you (or anyone) into a definition of “propriety” shouldn’t have a place in any relationship, so what I said doesn’t apply to the playful coreography of an established couple.
But for first dates, my reasoning seems a better explanation of her refusing chivalry than “she’s no fun”.
I’m from the American South, so door-opening is an important part of my upbringing. There are two rules for opening doors, one for each sex: if a woman’s about to go through a door, YOU GET TO THAT DOOR AND OPEN IT FOR HER, DAMMIT. If a man’s about to go through a door, you open it if you’re in front, let him get it if you’re in back, and take the door handoff if you’re with a group.
I I open doors for ladies and have found the gesture appreciated. Honestly, I don’t even think about it, it’s a natural response. Car doors? Just give it simple thought in advance, if the car is parked close to another car I say let me pull the car out for u, then I get in and pull it out I remain in the driver’s seat and allow her to get in unless prudence dictates otherwise i.e. she is injured or it would be difficult for her or it is a formal event. If she is driving which has happened, when walking back to the vehicle I walk with her to the door and open it, then walk around as she starts the car, and unlocks my side. Naturally if we arrive to the door and she is just now finding her keys I make chit chat to stall time till she finds them then assist if it seems natural, sometimes the lady will put the key in the door and open it for herself which is fine I’ll wait and assist in the closing of it. It takes a minute for her to unlock my side and start the car anyway so no time lost. If she is shopping I will carry bags or at least assist in holding her bags while she looks for her keys. Double doors, I go through first and hold the door from inside and wait until she is almost all the way through so there is very little if any weight from the door imposing on her, then I simply take a couple steps not missing a beat and open the next. It is a natural movement not awkward at all. If a woman gets to door first, I assume I will open it but if she starts opening it herself I take it to mean she desires to express her independence and I will just follow her in. As far as the stairs go, I think as a man I would agree about following the girl up, I don’t think it’s polite to stick my butt in her face hehe. I don’t see how one can look up her skirt.. unless its super short and then if that’s the case, we wouldn’t be dating anyway. If it’s a lady in the hall well, depends on who gets there first. If we are the only two in the stair way I suppose I would walk up the stairs just offset to her or to the other side so I’m not directly in front of her. To the gentleman who was wondering about why a man walks on the outside of side walk, I was told to do it as a kid to be a shield from overspray from mud and water from the road when a car, bike, horse goes along and to protect her from traffic mishaps. Things we don’t do I think are interesting like put our coat down on water puddle that doesn’t seem at all practical, unless it’s an extremely black tie event like dinner with the president standing up when a woman leaves the table creates more commotion that its worth. However, when guests join the table after all are seated I do stand up and greet them to welcome them and it makes them feel welcome, also I do pull the chair out and push it in as she sits for my special lady as well, also for an elderly sitting near me at the same table. Table manners would be a good article, such as no elbows on table a personal grip if mine or chewing with their mouth open. You can really see someone’s etiquette when watching them eat.
When or even if a man should open a door for a woman depends on the relationship he wants to establish with that woman. Is it your mom? Your grandmother? Want her to think you’re a gentleman? Open the door. Is this someone you want to have sex with? Then the LAST thing you should want her thinking is that you’re a gentleman. Every act of courtesy will take you in the OPPOSITE direction of your goal. Remember women are crazy. The nicer you are to them the more they will treat you like the hired help. The more you treat them like they’re nothing the more they will want you. Forget what your mom told you. Women don’t want gentlemen. They want bad boys. Jerks get laid. Gentlemen go home with a nice warm feeling about how they held the door. And before anyone starts fussing at me just remember – I didn’t make this rule. I don’t even like the rule. I’m just telling you what the rule is. It was women who decided the rule. Nice guys really do finish last.
I think you should make the last sentence about saying thank you bold and something like twice as big so everybody will see it as there are sadly too many people with bad courting shall we say to know that.
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