How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship

by Brett & Kate McKay on May 15, 2013 · 35 comments

in Dating, Marriage, Relationships & Family

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As we’ve discussed before, many men these days have trouble being assertive. One of the things these “Nice Guys” struggle with is communicating their needs to others. Because they shy away from conflict, and don’t want to trouble or inconvenience others, they constantly let other people’s needs supersede their own, and they find it difficult to articulate their personal goals and desires. Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing their partners should intuitively know what they need without them having to say anything. If the Nice Guy’s partner isn’t skilled in telepathy, he becomes resentful and begins ascribing negative qualities like selfishness to her, even though he’s never actually given her a fair chance to meet his needs.

Relying on mind-reading to get your needs fulfilled creates feelings of chronic anger and contempt towards your partner, conditions which will almost invariably lead to the demise of your relationship. To keep your relationship strong and happy, it’s up to you to make your needs clearly known. As the authors of Couple Skills, Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP), put it, nobody is in a better position to understand your needs than you are:

“You have a right to ask for the things you need in a relationship. In fact, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to be clear about your needs. You are the expert on yourself. No one else, not even your partner, can read your mind and know what you need in the way of support, intimate contact, time alone, domestic order, independence, sex, love, financial security, and so on.”

So if articulating your needs isn’t something you’ve felt comfortable doing, how do you start going about it? And how do you do it in a way that doesn’t create defensiveness and anger, and offers the best chance of your partner being willing to listen and fulfill that need?

MFP offer a really helpful “needs script” to follow when initiating this kind of sensitive conversation. Obviously, it’s not a word-for-word script – what you say will vary greatly according to your relationship and personal situation. Instead, it offers a very simple template for communicating your needs in a healthy and productive way. However, if expressing your needs is something you really struggle with, you may actually find it helpful to write out your “script” beforehand. You don’t need to read it to your partner, but putting down your thoughts on paper can help you prepare. That way, in the heat of the moment, you don’t fall into old traps of passiveness or aggressiveness and can instead navigate the healthy middle path of assertiveness.

The Needs Script

Situation (specific, objective description of facts). Start off the conversation by offering a straightforward description of the situation you want to address. Leave out analysis, interpretation, and inflammatory or accusatory language – try to make it as specific, impersonal, and objective as possible.

  • Our relationship has really sucked lately. We’ve been fighting a lot more than usual these last few weeks.
  • Our bedroom looks like a bomb went off. There are a lot of clothes on our bedroom floor.
  • Your spending is out of control. We’re $300 over our budget this month.
  • I’m going crazy in this sexless marriage. We haven’t had sex in two months.
  • I’m always stuck at home and never get to see my friends anymore. I haven’t been out with my friends since the baby came.

Feelings (non-blaming “I” statements). When you tell your partner what you’re feeling, you need to be careful to not vent or explode in a vague, accusatory way (“I’m angry/stressed/upset and you’re to blame!”) which may feel cathartic, but isn’t actually productive. In order to keep the conversation as a problem-solving discussion rather than a heated argument, you want to accurately convey the nature, intensity, and cause of your feelings. So before you begin the conversation, you’ll want to have honed in as much as possible to the specifics of what you’ve been feeling. Once you’ve identified the broad feeling that first comes to mind (angry, upset, hurt, etc.), MFP suggests narrowing down its nature and focus with these modifiers:

  1. Definition. First, make your broad feeling more specific by adding some synonyms. When you say angry, do you mean angry and stressed, or angry and irritated? Or are you really more confused or disappointed than mad? When you say you’re upset, are you upset and disappointed, or upset and depressed? The more specific descriptors you can use to describe how you’re feeling, the better.
  2. Intensity. Add modifiers that accurately convey the intensity of your feelings. Have you been feeling a little resentful or a lot? Slightly discouraged or majorly depressed? Be honest here.
  3. Duration. How long have you been feeling this way? Have you been stressed since you lost your job or ever since you got married? Have you felt irritated for weeks or for days?
  4. Cause and Context. You want to avoid naming your partner as the cause of your feelings, no matter how tempting, and even if their actions really have been the catalyst. Blame begets defensiveness, not communication. What will result is a fight that doesn’t end up addressing the real problem whatsoever. Instead, try to communicate the cause of your feelings in the form of their impersonal context, and describe your own feelings rather than those of the other person. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations.
  • Your clinginess is making me feel suffocated. I miss seeing my friends.
  • Your nagging is driving me crazy. Getting numerous reminders about doing something makes me feel patronized.
  • You’re such a slob. I feel frustrated when there are things all over the floor.
  • You’ve really been bringing me down. I have been feeling depressed and unhappy lately.
  • Getting this overdraft notice makes me feel like you’re not competent enough to handle our finances. I get really worried about our finances when I see an overdraft notice arrive in the mail.

Request (for behavior change). MFP spell this part of the script out well: “Ask for a change in behavior only. This is a very important rule. Don’t expect your partner to change his or her values, attitudes, desires, motivations, or feelings. These characteristics are very hard to change. It’s like asking someone to be taller or more intelligent. People feel personally threatened if you ask them to change intangibles that are seen as part of their very nature and beyond their conscious control. For example, what does it mean to ask someone to be ‘more loving’ or ‘less critical’ or ‘neater’? These kinds of requests are heard as attacks, and little real change is likely to result.”

MFP counsels that instead of going after someone’s “core” attributes, and having them react defensively, stick with making a request that they modify a specific, observable behavior.

  • I want you to be neater. I would really like it if you could put your dirty dishes away in the dishwasher and close the cabinets after you take stuff out of them.
  • I want you to be less critical of me. I would appreciate it if you didn’t make jokes about me being out of work in front of your parents.
  • I want you to be more loving. It would mean a lot to me if you gave me a kiss when I came home from work and asked me how my day was.
  • I wish you were up for sex more often. I know we’re both crazy busy, but I’d like us to commit to trying to have sex at least once a week, even if that means scheduling it.
  • You need to be less clingy. I want to hang out with my friends at least once a month.

When you make your request, only tackle one situation and 1 or 2 observable behavior changes at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm your partner – she’ll just shut down. Pick small changes that will make her feel like, “Okay, that’s reasonable. I can do that.” See if your partner follows through on those changes. If she does, then bring up something else to work on down the line.

Here’s a full example of how the “needs script” might go:

Situation. Ever since the baby came, we’ve both really had our hands full. We haven’t gone out together alone in months.

Feelings. I feel like we’ve become more platonic roommates than lovers. I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you.

Request. I know you’re worried about leaving the baby with a babysitter, but I’d like to try it once, just for a couple of hours, to see how it goes.

Other Things to Keep in Mind

Keep your tone as calm and level as possible. Don’t let anger or annoyance creep into your voice – using even a slightly heated, annoyed, accusatory, or patronizing tone can escalate things into an unproductive argument.

Pick a time when your partner can give you their full attention. Don’t start the conversation while your wife is holding a crying baby or your girlfriend is about to find out whodunit at the end of Law & Order. You don’t want their annoyance about the circumstances to color how they receive your request. Select a time when they’re in a good mood and ready to listen.

Start out by expressing a small need, rather than a large, contentious one, especially if your relationship has been struggling. Once you start meeting each other’s needs successfully, you’ll be in a better position to tackle more polarizing problems.

Don’t feel like having to ask for something makes it less valuable. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your partner should know what you need without you having to say anything – that if they really loved you and knew you, or weren’t so selfish, they would just naturally do it. You might then feel that a change in their behavior is somehow less “real” or valuable if you had to ask for it. “You’re just doing it because I told you I liked that, not because you really want to.”

But people, even those in the closest of relationships, think and see the world differently. Something may seem obvious to you, but simply not occur to them – not because of some character defect or lack of love — but because they are simply a different person with a different brain than you. Instead of seeing their inability to anticipate your needs on their own as a flaw, accept your differences. And instead of seeing behavior changes you directly asked for as less valuable, appreciate the way they’re willing to meet that need, even if it doesn’t come naturally. It’s just as worthy as a gesture of love and commitment, if not more so.

Communicating needs is not a one-way street. Hopefully this is obvious, but asking someone to meet your needs is not a unilateral process. Encourage your partner to make her needs known as well, and do your best to listen to, understand, and try to meet those needs when you can. In a healthy relationship, both partners are eager to try to do what they can to make the other person happy.

If you’re on the receiving end of a needs request, one of the most important things to do is to try to accept the other person’s “quirks.” You may not understand why she likes things done in a certain way, or how something that can seem so trivial to you can be so important to her, but you have quirks, too, that she finds equally hard to grasp. The more you can compromise and accommodate each other’s unique, but not-so-onerous needs, even without necessarily understanding them, the happier you’ll be.

You have a right to ask, but that doesn’t mean your needs will always be met. Your partner and kids have needs too, and their needs may conflict with yours. Making your needs known is not about issuing an ultimatum, but about open communication, compromise, and cooperation. Maybe your stay-at-home wife doesn’t feel like she can clean the house more consistently, but is willing to stop going out to eat on the weekends and use the saved money to hire a housekeeper. Maybe she isn’t up for all of your sexual fantasies, but is willing to try a few new things. Maybe she isn’t willing to give up her Wednesday night running club so you can go to a shooting class with your buddy, but is willing to watch the kids all Saturday afternoon so you can play golf with him. Even if you don’t come up with the exact solution you had hoped for, being open about your needs will make you a happier, less angry husband or boyfriend.

If your partner is unwilling to compromise or cooperate with you in any way, you have a choice in how to proceed. You can:

  • Try to put this one refusal in perspective with all the good things she does offer and bring to the relationship. Is the issue such a big deal in the big picture? If not, you express your disappointment and work to understand why you can’t meet on this issue, but ultimately accept her position. Ask if you can re-open the discussion at another time.
  • Utilize a self-care alternative. MFP suggests having a “self-care alternative” in mind when possible in case your partner can’t or won’t meet your needs. For example, if you want to pursue more independent interests, but your partner doesn’t give any ground, you might pay for and enroll in a weekly class you want to take anyway. The self-care alternative is your “or else,” but it’s not meant to be a punitive ultimatum, simply “your plan for solving a problem if you can’t get your partner’s help in a preferred solution.” Because while it doesn’t hurt to ask, in the end, it’s not other people who are ultimately responsible for meeting your needs.
  • If an issue is too important to you to simply accept a “No,” and/or if this refusal to meet your needs is a consistent pattern, in which you’re always being walked over while giving a lot in return, you may need to end the relationship.

 

________________________

Source:

Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. 

{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stuart Schwenke May 15, 2013 at 6:05 pm

Good article…real men admit to relational difficulties.

Another resource: “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved. (www.loveandrespect.com)

I like this resource because it presents a paradigm that I can use at church, at home, with the relatives, my neighbors, and at work.

2 Nick P. May 15, 2013 at 8:02 pm

Brett, this was a great article! I found it full of good practical advice to make small changes that can yield great results. I think this is something guys should review periodically to make sure we are doing our part to improve our relationships.

3 Thomas May 15, 2013 at 10:33 pm

As usual, another great and helpful article. This is a topic near and dear to me, as it’s something I personally struggle with. One of my biggest regrets from my last relationship, and certainly one of the major contributing factors to its dissolution, was my passive-aggressiveness and resentfulness brought on by not communicating my needs well. As men (and people in general) we need to remember that while being needy is bad, having needs is not, and is in fact an integral part of being human. Unfortunately, a failure to realize this often does lead to those needs regressing into neediness.

4 Jon May 15, 2013 at 10:41 pm

Great article! It reminded me of discussions in my interpersonal relationship course at my university. Very well written, keep up the good work!

5 Rebecca May 15, 2013 at 11:38 pm

I learned an important lesson today: Strikethrough font doesn’t come through on readers. Great article once I clicked through and could see the incorrect forms of communication crossed out!

6 Nusy May 15, 2013 at 11:40 pm

Honestly, I may be the minority in this, but as a woman, I would feel worse if my husband would talk to me like this, especially with those requests starting with “I would appreciate/want/like you to.” Somehow I just cannot see anything starting with those phrases to come out of honest intentions – only as a sarcastic remark with even more of a bitter edge.

Of course, don’t throw around unfounded accusations and expletives, or question basic personal and moral qualities (unless warranted)… but don’t talk to me like I’m a time bomb or something. If the house looks like a mess, SAY SO. Don’t tell me you hate to see clothes on the floor – unless you want me to tell you to pick them up, then. Tell me that the house is messy, and ask how we (WE… not you, not I. WE.) should remedy this. If the finances are upside down, tell me so. Don’t tell me I’m incompetent in accounting; but also don’t tell me getting an overdraft notice “worries you” – no s***, Sherlock. Let us just sit down, look through the expenses and incomes, and make the cuts together. And tell ya what – if I’m not the one overspending, guess whose leisure expenses will be the first to suffer.

I-statements are good, for the most part… just be VERY careful on your phrasing and tone, or you WILL come off as a self-centered jerk.

7 Eaton Fowler May 16, 2013 at 1:28 am

I just checked out the MFP book from my library on the basis of your mention of it in this article.

It’s quite a helpful little book.

Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

8 Ayan Roy May 16, 2013 at 2:31 am

Brett and Kate, this is an excellent piece, a gem of an article! I have more or less similar thoughts when it comes to relationships. Clarity of needs and constant, polite, calm, communication is critical for a good, healthy relationship.

I hate it when people “assume” something or “implicitly expect” something without articulating it clearly, leading to pent up frustrations and misunderstandings.
I have recommended this to my wife, friends and family.

Keep up the good work!

9 Dr Boatman May 16, 2013 at 2:43 am

Fantastic article, guys. Well written and thoughtful as always, and a great resource at any point in a relationship.

Another thing I’ve found helpful with the “pick an appropriate time” thing is to agree to talk about it later: “Hey, I’d like to talk to you about something. Would it be okay to sit down and chat in an hour or so?”

Also, make the time to talk as far away from bedtime as possible. When people are tired they tend to get irrational and not listen as much as might be constructive.

Props once again!

10 Andrew May 16, 2013 at 2:45 am

Wow. I just had a very unpleasant elevated conversation about this topic last night. Great advice. I’ve been in counseling long enough now to realize how much ignoring constant quality communication hurts everyone. I’ll probably print this article to be able to keep it on me. It sums up a lot of what I have learned ( or not ! ) in the past year.

11 Paul May 16, 2013 at 4:43 am

Try reading Men’s Relationship Toolbox.

Also, I don’t think you should confuse the choice to not engage in conflict as unassertive… Especially with one’s partner.

And taking your lady and the mother of your children out on date night once every couple of weeks is a sound idea. (just don’t take them to the same places) (jk). Remaining a couple amidst the mayhem of family parenting will reward you with a strong marriage.

12 Elmer May 16, 2013 at 6:02 am

Thanks for the share! I know every relationship is different but those tips above apply to everybody.

13 Jerry May 16, 2013 at 7:48 am

good article.
this is something that I have always struggled with as well.. not just with ex-girlfriends but with my buddies and even my immediate family. it always seemed like we did things that they wanted to do and not what I wanted to do. honestly, I think a lot of it began when my folks got divorced and i had to move and go to a new school.
anyways.. if theres guys out there that struggle with their assertiveness and ensuring that you needs are met (not just in relationships but in your own personal life as well) I have a couple suggestions on books that you can read which should really help you out and change your perspective a little.
Man’s Search for Meaning. By Victor Frankl
Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting go of Unhealthy Relationships. By Frank Minirth
When I say no I Feel Guilty. By Manuel J. Smith
Find Your Path: A Short Guide For Living with Purpose and Being Your Own Man. By Bruce Bryans
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. By Stephen Covey

14 Matt Lane May 16, 2013 at 8:31 am

Great article! The Needs Script is definitely something that I will try to implement when I’m having trouble communicating with my spouse. Thanks for this.

15 MB May 16, 2013 at 9:20 am

Brett, a very strong article. Well-researched and helpful. Thank you.

16 Brett McKay May 16, 2013 at 10:30 am

@Nusy-

I think you largely missed the idea here. These aren’t situations where both people are “to blame”–ie., both people created the mess or overspent. Those are not so sensitive conversations — and yes, both people can simply pitch in to fix it. Instead, what is being addressed here are situations where one person’s behavior has upset the other. One person keeps making a mess or overspending. (Or situations where one person’s need isn’t related to the behavior of the other person, but simply that they might need the other person’s assistance in fulfilling that need — “I would like to spend more alone time.”) How do you tell the other person you’re upset in a way that doesn’t cause defensiveness? While people may say they just want the other person to tell it like it is, there is often a huge gap between what people say they want and how they actually react when someone else voices their displeasure with their behavior. Our brains naturally react to a perceived “threat” with defensiveness. You don’t have to treat someone like a time bomb, but if you are upset with them about something, it greatly pays to heed our psychological nature and phrase things in a way that is most likely to lead to productive dialogue rather than anger and defensiveness.

17 Jerry May 16, 2013 at 11:05 am

Another great book that can help people who struggle with this type of stuff is: Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box. By Arbinger Institue
this book helps us understand why we tend to blame our own personal flaws or shortcommings on other people. good read.

18 Johno May 16, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Great article! When times are tough at home I like to remind myself that my wife married me because she loves me and that is still in there. I assume she has the best of intentions and I take what she says in that light rather than take offense where none was intended.
Also, love is a choice, not a feeling. During an argument I make the choice in my mind to love my wife no matter how I feel. I desire the best for her own sake and that usually calms me down and helps us to communicate more clearly.

19 Abby May 16, 2013 at 1:46 pm

@Rebecca, I had the same problem with the strike-through not showing up in my feed reader. I clicked through to see if any other commenters thought it was a bad idea to tell a S.O. “Our relationship has really sucked lately.” Then I scrolled through the article and realized what happened. Good article once I realized that!

20 Germano Tomassetti May 16, 2013 at 4:32 pm

Great stuff!

21 lady brett May 17, 2013 at 9:50 am

really good. also the timing is eerie.

i would just add a fourth bullet under “If your partner is unwilling to compromise or cooperate”:

are there underlying problems? some things are much more complicated than they look. we had some relationship problems which were entirely my fault, but we had not been able to change in five years (can i just say how awful it feels to know what’s wrong and not be able to do anything about it, even though you want to and are trying?).
i finally took a big step back and realized that most of those things were symptoms, not individual problems. we are working on addressing my substantial anxiety issues, and suddenly the other things are sort of falling into place. it seems obvious in retrospect, but it’s so easy to get caught up in individual actions/trespasses and a mindset of “if you would just try harder” that it is remarkably easy to miss the bigger picture.

22 Nusy May 18, 2013 at 4:44 am

Brett,

Thank you for getting back to me. I think getting defensive around your significant other already means that your relationship may not be on as firm a ground as you like to think. I much prefer if my husband treats me like an equal, mature person, and tells me what he wants in a straightforward way. As I said – if it’s my fault, tell me openly. I find that statements starting with “I wish you would…” or “I would appreciate if…” have a far greater tendency to end up being extremely passive-aggressive. As for me, I’m far more likely to engage in a constructive conversation if it starts with something like “I think you do X too much, and it honestly bothers me. Do you think we could figure something out?” than if it’s along the lines of “I wish you would do less X, because it bothers me.”

I think this sort of “assertiveness” is bordering on being dishonest to your spouse/SO, and fosters resentment and being passive-aggressive, rather than conciliation, compromise, and open discussion.

I mentioned I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority with this… but I think there are a lot of us, younger Millennials in our mid-twenties (or even younger) who feel similarly.

23 Michele May 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

Jerry’s comment above about his parents divorce struck home with me. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and both remarried. Both homes consisted of step-siblings, and the resulting family dynamics were incredibly stressful. I felt sorry for my parents and thus tried to be as “low-maintenance” as possible. I didn’t want to add stress to the household so I went along with what everyone wanted; I made it “easy” to be around me. This meant I never learned to appreciate my needs as being valid and important to my well-being. I carried those same non-assertive behaviors into my adult relationships. Those relationships were frustrating since my partners didn’t understand why I was always seething. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t SEE what in my mind were my obvious needs. Learning to give voice to my needs has resulted in a much healthier relationship. And the biggest part of that learning was that just because I voice a need and it isn’t met, doesn’t mean it’s not a valid need. It means I need to find a different approach to have it met.
Great article!

24 Nicholas May 19, 2013 at 9:44 pm

Excellent article, very helpful and well considered. This is a real grey area, and it is really beneficial at times to have some guidance on communicating in your relationship. I believe that effective communication is the single most imporant aspect of any serious relationship. Very interesting!

25 Andrew May 20, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Seems like decent advice to me. My problem lay more with starting a relationship in the first place, so can’t say that I’ve ever been in a situation like the ones in the article. But when/if I find a willing victim…er, lucky lady…I’ll keep this in mind.

26 Paul May 27, 2013 at 1:13 am

This was a really good read this morning. Thanks for a post I can implement right away.

27 Weston May 27, 2013 at 9:05 am

I like the content. However I’m just wondering if the authors of the book acknowledge that they are essentially just restating the formula that Dr. Marshall Rosenberg invented when he created Non Violent Communication over a quarter of a century ago.

Since that time dozens of therapists, teachers, trainers etc have trained tens of thousands of people of people in essentially the same formula.

If the book’s authors do acknowledge that they are just restating and applying Rosenberg’s seminal work than they deserve kudo’s for spreading the word. However, if they are holding out this formula as something they themselves created than I have no intentions of spending any money on it.

28 Brian Sloan August 3, 2013 at 12:22 am

The “not relying on mind reading” thing is a big one for our marriage right now. Well, I will be honest and say that it is a big one for me. I expect things out her and have expectations that I don’t communicate to her. Finding that balance between assertive and not being pushy is tough as well. Wow, a lot to think about in this post.

29 Luong Hai August 28, 2013 at 8:50 pm

This article is great not only because it is very well written and easy to read for foreigners having trouble with English but is also very informative.

Can anyone share successful stories about finding a middle ground and mutual understanding with their other half in a relationship that was very rough and tense to begin with? I would really like to hear some more personal experience on this matter as I am having a very hard time myself and I would like to find the right approach. Thank you!

30 Lily October 14, 2013 at 7:18 am

I’m coming to this verrrrry verrrrrry late, but I wanted to ask questions from a woman’s perspective regarding assertiveness with a pretty domineering man. My boyfriend and I live together in a house which was initially his. He has a child from a previous marriage, and a good relationship–perhaps too close–with his ex. They work together, and communicate daily via email, phone, and text about work (they work in the same department) and their child. I know they’re not getting back together and the separation is nearly a decade old. However, their closeness bothers me at times; I feel that there need to be clearer boundaries regarding the professional and personal. I’ve communicated this as neutrally as possible (using many of the helpful techniques outlined above) and his response is always that I must “deal with it” and “stop being so insecure.” We’ve been together three and a half years, and I feel as though I’m in a relationship with someone completely unwilling to compromise after I’ve communicated my needs clearly. Thoughts? Suggestions?

31 grace48 October 30, 2013 at 4:12 pm

What stands out to me Lily is not that he is so domineering but that you’re very passive. I think he has told you and shown you exactly who he is and he has made it clear that he is not willing to change. You have to decide if you can “just deal with it” or if you’re willing to seek better. I bet if you had that type of r/ship with your ex he would not tolerate it for even a minute.

32 janet January 1, 2014 at 6:52 pm

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33 ololade January 22, 2014 at 9:09 am

This is a nice article…I digested it well.
My relationship has being majorly tupsy turvey and anytime I tell my fiance how depressed I’ve being feeling he just finds a way to change the topic.
He is in the UK and I’m in Nigeria but for one reason or the other in our 3+ years of being together we have never seen.
I like to think this is the major issue,but his work schedules too are alarming and much more time demanding that we sometimes loose good communication in a month,he believe his 2minutes call in 5days is something. We hardly communicate anymore.the last time I summoned courage to tell him how I feel exactly,he slept off on me.I’m not that kind of person that likes to trouble others with my problems so I don’t find it interesting talking about it to anybody,and finding out that he isn’t listening to me hurts more.
I love him so much but I don’t feel US anymore pls I need help.

34 John February 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

Thank you soooo much for writing this Brett. It is tremendously refreshing to know that other men face similar difficulties and self doubts in relationships and that it is okay to ask for help from your partner.

35 Girls February 18, 2014 at 1:26 pm

Thank you soooo a lot of for penning this Brett. it’s hugely refreshing to grasp that different men face similar difficulties and self doubts in relationships which it’s okay to elicit facilitate from your partner.

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