If you own a car, you know the importance of regular maintenance. Rather than waiting for your vehicle to break down and paying for costly repairs, you take it in for oil changes, tire rotations, and filter swaps. Sure, this upkeep requires time and money, but it keeps your car running smoothly, extends its lifespan, and helps you avoid breakdowns before they happen.
If we’re willing to maintain our cars, why not give the same kind of preventative attention to something even more important, like, say, our marriage?
A growing body of research shows that even happy couples benefit from proactive care, and clinical psychologist James Cordova has developed a once-a-year “Marriage Checkup” that helps couples stay connected and resilient. It’s been shown to improve marriage satisfaction, increasing intimacy, fostering emotional acceptance, and reducing relationship distress — with benefits lasting up to two years. Unlike traditional therapy where the focus is on fixing a broken marriage, the Marriage Checkup is designed to celebrate wins and look for ways to improve a marriage before it goes off the rails.
Cordova takes readers through this relationship review in his book The Marriage Checkup: A Scientific Program for Sustaining and Strengthening Marital Health. The book is aimed primarily at practitioners, but couples can get a lot out of it. I highly recommend picking up a copy. It contains a ton of good, actionable information and is one of the best marriage books I’ve read.
Here’s how to prepare for and carry out a Marriage Checkup inspired by Cordova’s recommendations.
The Check-In Before the Checkup
Schedule it and make it special. Choose a consistent month to do your marriage checkup. It could be on (or right before) your anniversary or every January. You might go someplace special for the checkup, like a bed and breakfast or a local hotel. If time or money are tight, simply block off two uninterrupted hours at home.
Agree on communication ground rules. To keep the checkup productive and positive, agree on some ground rules that you’ll uphold during your discussion. Only one person speaks at a time. No interrupting. Speak for yourself, and don’t assume or judge your spouse’s thoughts or intentions. If you’re the listener, just listen. Don’t argue or rebut. Ask clarifying questions if needed. Avoid John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the relational apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. If these interpersonal saboteurs make an appearance, agree ahead of time to take a two-minute break.
The Marriage Checkup
Cordova created a thorough, pages-long survey that he has couples fill out before they meet with him for the Marriage Checkup that he facilitates. I think a lot of couples might find this too clinical or customer-service-y to do, though.
For an average couple doing a Marriage Checkup on their own, I think you can get away with informally discussing the areas of the relationship that Cordova highlights in his detailed survey.
Below are conversation-starting questions, based on Cordova’s survey, that cover each area explored in his Marriage Checkup. You don’t have to ask all of them and feel free to come up with your own. It’s just about prompting a discussion about where you’re at and want to go relationally.
Big Picture
- How do you think our marriage is going overall?
- What were our biggest marriage successes this past year?
- What were our biggest challenges?
Communication
- Do we express our emotions in healthy ways with each other?
- How’s our fighting? Anything we can do to make disagreements more productive? Do we get defensive with each other?
- Do we feel comfortable bringing up things that are bothering each other?
- Do we feel like we listen and understand each other?
- Do we engage in enough chit-chat and conversation that’s not just about kids and running the house?
Time Together
- Are we spending enough time together where it’s just us and not the kids?
- Do we need to do more date nights? Husband and wife only vacations?
- What are the small rituals that help us feel connected? What’s stopping us from doing them more regularly?
- Do our screens/devices ever get in the way of being present with each other?
- Are we doing things together that feel fun, or mostly just things we have to do?
Money
- Are we on the same page financially?
- Are there any money-related topics we tend to avoid?
- What financial goals matter most to you right now?
- What’s stressing you out about money right now?
- Do we ever feel guilt or resentment about how we each spend money?
- Do you feel like we have equal say and responsibility when it comes to money?
Sex
- Are you happy with our sex life overall?
- Are you happy with the frequency of sex?
- Anything you’d change about our sex life?
Parenting
- How do you think we’re doing as parents lately? What are we doing well? Poorly?
- Are there things about being a dad/mom that you’re struggling with but haven’t brought up?
- Do we back each other up when one of us has had to enforce rules or boundaries?
- What kinds of character traits or values are we actively trying to pass on to our kids?
- Do you feel like we’re on the same team when it comes to parenting? Where do we align? Where do we clash?
- What’s one parenting practice we admire in others that we could try out?
Household Management
- Is there anything about how we divide chores or responsibilities that’s feeling unfair or unbalanced right now?
- How often do you feel like we’re reacting to chaos vs. planning proactively?
- Are there any systems or rhythms we’ve outgrown — and need to rethink?
- What’s one routine or habit in our house that’s become a stressor instead of a help?
- What’s one thing that would make our home life run more smoothly?
- Do you feel like we have a good system for staying on top of things — like bills, schedules, errands, etc.?
- What could we each do to show a little more appreciation for the respective efforts we put in to running our home?
Intimacy
- Do you feel like I know and understand you?
- Were there moments during the past year when you felt like I did a good job of trying to understand you? Any moments when you felt misunderstood?
- Do you feel like we’re still continuing to turn toward each other or are we slowly drifting into parallel lives?
- When we’re together, do you feel like I’m fully present with you — or often distracted or elsewhere?
- What’s something I used to do — like listening, affirming, noticing — that you miss?
- What are small things we could do to help us feel closer?
Spirituality
- What’s our telos as a family? What do you think we’re ultimately here for — and how can we help each other live that out?
- What kind of spiritual legacy do you want to leave for our kids or community?
- What does spirituality mean to you right now — and has that changed over the years?
- How do our beliefs show up (or not show up) in our everyday decisions — like parenting, money, or time?
- Do you think we live according to our values? What helps us stay aligned — and what throws us off?
- Are there any spiritual practices — like prayer, meditation, or Sabbath rest — that we could do together more regularly?
- What’s been hardest for you spiritually this past year?
- Is there anything you’re wrestling with that you wish we talked about more openly?
Friendship
- What’s something we’ve done together recently that made you laugh or feel joy?
- Are there hobbies or activities we used to enjoy that we’ve let go of?
- What’s one new thing we could try together just for fun?
- Do you feel like I take an interest in the things that matter to you — even if they’re not my thing?
- How good are we at cheering each other on when one of us has a win or a big day?
- What do you genuinely admire about me — not as a spouse, but just as a person?
- What’s one memory that makes you smile when you think about us as friends?
Make a Simple Action Plan
Hopefully, these questions prompted some productive conversation and drew you and your wife closer together.
Based on your conversation, list out the following as you wrap up your Marriage Checkup:
- 3 wins to keep doing. Celebrate your strengths.
- 3 things you’re going to do to improve a weak point. Come up with some concrete steps to take/habits to adopt.
Schedule a 30-day check-in to see if you’re following through on your plan. If you’re doing a weekly marriage meeting, this is something you can talk about then.
Consider establishing a yearly tradition where you revisit your checkup notes before your anniversary to see how you’ve grown.
We maintain the things we value. Our homes, our cars, our teeth. Why not our marriage? A yearly Marriage Checkup can be a tool for keeping your relationship strong and fixing vulnerabilities before they become big problems. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
