Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa Claus here. With just a week to go until the Big Dance, things are hopping here at the North Pole. While the elves make their final preparations, I’m busy preparing myself physically and mentally for my grueling 24-hour work shift delivering toys to boys and girls around the world.
Yes, I do have magic to help me, but magic only gets you so far. You need to be in pretty good physical condition to do my job.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. Santa? In good physical condition?
Yes, it appears I have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. It’s part of my personal brand. But thanks to elf magic, I’m able to maintain my rotund physique, while simultaneously being a specimen of peak physical health and conditioning. Suck on that, mortals!
Anyways, I thought I’d share with you the HIIT (high intensity interval training) routine I use to get in shape for my Christmas Eve flight. It works for me, maybe it will work for you.
Maybe. Only if you’re good.
Perform each exercise back-to-back with no rest. After you complete a circuit, rest for thirty seconds. Complete the circuit 10 times, 5 times if you’re a mortal man. If you can’t do one set, you’re on the Needs-to-Get-Their-Lazy-Butt-in-Shape List. Expect to receive a lump of broccoli in your stocking this year.
Snapping the Reins
I spend an entire night driving a sleigh of unruly reindeer. To prepare my arms for all that rein snapping, I perform a 30-second round of intense double arm waves with a battle rope. Practice your reindeer roll call while doing it.
Toy Sack Lift
To prepare for the loading and unloading of my toy sack from the sleigh, I perform 10 reps of the Toy Sack Lift with my sandbag. You can make your own sandbag for less than $25 following the instructions here.
Make sure to perform the hoists over each shoulder.
Chimney Squat Jumps
While Christmas magic helps me get up chimneys after I’ve broken into homes and put presents under the tree, I need to use a bit of my own physical effort to get things started. When I jump up chimneys, I use a basic squat jump technique. So to prepare for a night of jumping up billions of chimneys, I perform a round of 2o squat jumps.
Be sure to practice putting your finger on the side of your nose. That’s what initiates the magic that carries you up the rest of the way.
To prepare my body for the decreased oxygen during my high-altitude sleigh flights, I typically train with an Elevation Training Mask. It restricts breathing, thus simulating breathing in high-altitudes. I don’t wear that mask around the elves though; they think I’m Bane from Batman and run in terror.
Off the record: I’ve occasionally done blood transfusions to increase red blood cell counts, but don’t tell the Federation of Magical Beings that.
After every workout, I replenish my muscles with a post-workout meal consisting of, what else? Four Tri-O-Plex protein cookies and bottle of Muscle Milk. I don’t do Paleo. I tried it back in ’02 (when it was called the Atkins Diet). Made me cranky and less of a jolly old elf, so Mrs. Claus put me back on the carbs.
Well, there you have it. That’s how, I, Santa Claus, get in shape.
Here’s wishing you and yours a very Merry and Manly Christmas!
Ho! Ho! Ho!