A few months ago, psychologist Jean Twenge released 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World. Twenge has spent decades studying generational shifts in behavior (check out the podcast we did with her about differences between generations), and her message with this book is simple: today’s kids are growing up in a world of constant connection — smartphones, social media, gaming — and it’s not going well for them. For nearly a decade, she’s been sounding the alarm about what increased time on screens is doing to kids. Depression, anxiety, and sleep issues have all climbed, while dating, hanging out with friends, and even driving have decreased as screen time has gone up.
Her book offers a practical roadmap for parents on how to raise kids in today’s digital environment. What I like about her advice is that it’s realistic. She doesn’t pretend that we can go back to 1988 when kids just had access to a television and a landline. She shows parents how they can help their kids use technology without it using them.
Below are rules inspired by Twenge’s book, along with how Kate and I have tried to apply them in our own home.
1. You’re in Charge
Twenge’s first rule is the foundation for all the others: parents — not kids, not peers, not tech companies — set the terms for how technology enters the home. Don’t default to giving your kid a screen just because everyone else is.
Our kids have been using iPads since they were little, but we’ve always set clear boundaries and rules regarding what apps they could use, how long they could be on the devices, etc. We didn’t just hand them a screen and say, “Have at it!” From day one, we’ve made it clear that using a device is a privilege, not a right. When you start from that assumption, the rest follows naturally.
2. Delay Smartphones and Social Media
If Twenge had her way, no kid would get a smartphone before mid-high school. Her research shows that the later a child gets one, the better their mental health tends to be.
Our son Gus is a high school freshman and still doesn’t have a smartphone. It hasn’t been a big issue. We tell him, “You’ll get one when we can see a demonstrable need for it.” So far, we haven’t. When he starts driving, that’ll probably change. Until then, he can message friends on his iPad (which stays at home), and if he needs to call us, there are still these things called landline phones at school.
We also delay social media. Our 12-year-old daughter Scout doesn’t have any accounts, and Gus just has a teen account on Instagram.
For more advice on when to give your kid a smartphone, check out our article where we asked tech experts for their take on the right age to take this step.
3. Create Tech-Free Zones and Times
According to Twenge, boundaries aren’t just about how much tech your kids use but where and when they use it. Bedrooms, mealtimes, and family gatherings should be screen-free.
We’ve stuck to that pretty closely. No devices in bedrooms. No devices at the dinner table. One screen at a time — no using your iPad while you’re also watching television by yourself or we’re watching a movie as a family. Devices live in shared spaces, and can only be used in designated time windows. Once those windows expire, that’s it. Predictability kills potential arguments.
4. Use Parental Controls and Clear Rules
Twenge argues that monitoring your kids’ tech use isn’t snooping. It’s appropriate oversight.
We use Apple’s Family Sharing tools, which let us approve app downloads, set screen time limits, and view activity reports. My kids can only iMessage approved contacts. When they want to add someone else to their contacts, we have a conversation: “Tell me about this kid. How do you know her? What’s she like?”
But as I discussed on the podcast with family tech expert Emily Cherkin, you can’t rely solely on a device’s built-in parental control apps to keep your kids safe. There are things you can do to get around those, and they’re not fail-proof. That’s why we do random check-ins with our kids where we sit with them and look through their iPad to see what they’ve been doing online — the sites they’ve been visiting, the YouTube channels they’ve been watching, the kids they’ve been messaging.
If we see something that breaks our family’s rules about what’s an appropriate use of the iPad, the consequence is straightforward: use of the device is rescinded for a period. No yelling, no debate.
Once our kids get their own smartphones, we’ll continue to know their passwords. We’ll tell them, “We won’t ever read your texts — unless your behavior gives us a reason to.”
5. Encourage Real-World Freedom and Independence
One of Twenge’s key points is that real-world play builds confidence in ways digital life never can. So while you’re telling your kids to get off the iPad, encourage them to get out into the real world, touch grass, and be independent.
We’ve been doing that with Gus and Scout during the summers. We’ll occasionally just kick them out of the house and say, “Don’t come back inside for a few hours.” What do they do? They go on long treks through suburbia, maybe walking to Maverick to get a snack, then to PetSmart to look at hamsters. They’ve learned to handle themselves by being by themselves.
6. Talk About Online Behavior, Risk, and Self-Control
Twenge urges parents to talk about the internet the way previous generations talked about cars. Like cars, the internet is useful and fun, but dangerous if misused.
We’ve had countless conversations with our kids about digital self-control. “Don’t text anything you wouldn’t want someone to screenshot.” “Don’t assume messages disappear.”
When we see stories about scams or sextortion, we talk about them with our kids. I’ll show them an article about a teen caught in a phishing scheme or a news clip about a social media challenge gone wrong. I’m not trying to scare them; I’m just trying to make the risks of being online concrete.
7. Model Good Tech Habits
Kids learn tech behavior from their parents. If you’re glued to your phone, they’ll be glued to theirs.
This rule . . . I’m not always very good at this rule. My job lives online, which makes this tricky. I’m constantly checking my email for work. So I’ve had to set non-negotiable rules for myself: no phone at dinner; no scrolling during family time; no sneaking peeks at my phone while my kids are trying to talk to me. Gus and Scout know I struggle with it, and that’s actually helpful. They’ll call me out when I’m sliding, and they can see how dopey you look when you’re staring at a black rectangle.
8. Recognize That Time Is Limited
Twenge’s research shows that screen time doesn’t just eat hours — it replaces them. Every hour online is an hour not spent sleeping, reading, playing, or developing real-world skills.
The solution isn’t simply to take screens away; it’s to fill that space with something better — sports, reading, hobbies, music — anything that creates real memories. Twenge asks a good question: What will your kid remember doing? They won’t remember scrolling YouTube, but they will remember hitting a game-winning shot, building a fort, or laughing with friends until they couldn’t breathe.
Make sure, as you reduce screen time in your kid’s life, that you encourage them to fill it with something positive.
9. Be Consistent and Clear About Consequences
Rules are only as good as their follow-through.
Our kids know the tech rules and what happens when they break them. There’s no negotiation and no “just this once.” Parent like a video game.
10. Stay Flexible but Firm
Twenge ends with balance. Rules are important, but rigidity backfires.
We loosen up on things like long drives — screens are fine in moderation. But even then, they have to oscillate between spending an hour on screens and then two hours off. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s balance. When your daughter is home sick from school? Well, she can play Roblox more than usual.
There’s no escaping the digital world our kids inhabit. But we can shape how they move through it. What I like about Twenge’s 10 Rules is that it’s not an anti-tech manifesto. It’s a reasonable and realistic guide to helping your kids thrive in this digital world.
