{"id":55157,"date":"2016-03-21T14:52:42","date_gmt":"2016-03-21T19:52:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=55157"},"modified":"2022-02-24T20:08:33","modified_gmt":"2022-02-25T02:08:33","slug":"the-3-encounter-rule","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/relationships\/the-3-encounter-rule\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3-Encounter Rule"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"A<\/p>\n

Awhile back, a couple who Kate and I knew mostly in passing and moments of small talk at church, invited us over to their house for dinner. We gladly accepted the invitation, as we love when folks take the initiative in getting to know people (and we in turn love hosting people at our house).<\/p>\n

The dinner went\u2026okay. Decent conversation, a fine enough time. But I\u2019ve come to discover that, to a surprising degree, making friends in adulthood resembles romantic matchmaking and courtship, and one could say that no real \u201csparks\u201d flew between us that evening. We didn\u2019t experience a compelling connection with these folks.<\/p>\n

But we felt that, out of politeness, we ought to return the gesture and have them over for dinner at our place. While we dragged our feet for a couple months before offering the invitation, this second shared meal turned out a little better — the conversation was a bit deeper and more engaging; an easier rapport was beginning to be built.<\/p>\n

We made plans to go out to dinner together the next time our gym held a \u201cParents Night Out,\u201d and this third encounter was more enjoyable still.<\/p>\n

Today, we count this couple among our good friends, and we hang out regularly. It\u2019s a relationship that wouldn\u2019t have developed if we had insisted on \u201cfriendship at first sight\u201d and hadn\u2019t persisted in seeing how things might develop.<\/p>\n

The 3-Encounter Rule<\/h3>\n

We live in an age of instant gratification — if something or someone doesn\u2019t engage us right away online, we can immediately surf or swipe to the next thing. We\u2019re always on the hunt for that which will exactly meet our personality, interests, and expectations, and we think we\u2019ll know it when we see it. And actually, we do sometimes experience these instant connections with media or consumer products.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, we often subconsciously carry this consumer mindset into forming relationships with others, and it doesn\u2019t work so well with people.<\/p>\n

Sure, sometimes you connect with someone right off the bat, but frequently things can be a little stilted and awkward when you first meet someone, and it\u2019s possible to mistake this awkwardness for a lack of compatibility. People are guarded and typically terrible at small talk (they haven\u2019t read our guide!<\/a>), and this can obscure a potential connection with them. It often takes several encounters, as well as a change in the circumstances wherein you interact, for commonalities, connections, and deeper conversations to emerge.<\/p>\n

For example, you might have passing interactions with a co-worker day-in-and-day-out for months without ever thinking, \u201cThis guy could become a good friend.\u201d Then one day, you\u2019re asked to drive somewhere together, stumble onto a conversation topic where you both have a lot to say, discover you share a common hobby, and end up making plans to meet outside of work to pursue it together. A great friendship slowly builds from there.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen this phenomenon of friend-making play out several times in my own life, and from these experiences I\u2019ve formulated what I call the \u201c3-Encounter Rule.\u201d I\u2019ve found it takes on average about 3 encounters — and by that I mean intentional rather than passing interactions where you\u2019ve gotten together primarily to just hang out — to really see if there\u2019s potential for a relationship with someone.<\/p>\n

The rule pertains both to the realm of friendship and to romance. In fact, it may be even more key to remember when it comes to dating in the modern world.<\/p>\n

The 3-Encounter Rule and Dating in the Age of Tinder<\/h3>\n

In Modern Romance<\/a><\/em>, comedian-turned-courtship-researcher Aziz Ansari advocates for increasing the quality<\/em> of your dates; but he also argues for upping their quantity <\/em>as well.<\/p>\n

As a single guy in New York City, he observed that he and his friends \u201cwent on a lot of first dates but not as many third dates\u201d:<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were consistently choosing to meet as many people as possible instead of investing in a relationship. The goal was seemingly to meet someone who instantly swept us off our feet, but it just didn\u2019t seem to be happening. I felt like I was never meeting people I really<\/em>, really<\/em> liked.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Aziz was frustrated by these results and wasn\u2019t sure of what he was doing wrong — was it him, the people he was asking out, or his dating strategy in general?<\/p>\n

Aziz decided to try an experiment where instead of taking several different women on several first dates, he\u2019d take one woman on several dates.<\/p>\n

With Aziz\u2019s former strategy, if a date had only been a 6 overall, he wouldn\u2019t ask that woman out again, and would instead start texting other ladies who he hoped would give him an 8 or 9 result. Now, if a first date had at least been decent, he asked for a second one. The results of his experiment turned out to be quite amenable:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I found is that a first date that was a six was usually an eight on the second date. I knew the person better and we kept building a good rapport together. I discovered things about them that weren\u2019t initially apparent. We\u2019d develop more inside jokes and just generally get along better, because we were familiar.<\/p>\n

Just casually dating many people had rarely led to this kind of discovery. In the past I had probably been eliminating folks who could have possibly provided fruitful relationships, short- or long-term, if I\u2019d just given them more of a chance\u2026<\/p>\n

Instead of trying to date so many different people and getting stressed out with texting games and the like, I was really getting to know a few people and having a better time of it.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The strategy of investing more in one woman, rather than dating serially, pays off because the qualities that are most important to the success of a long-term relationship take time, and multiple encounters, in order to fully emerge and be discovered.<\/p>\n

Studies show<\/a> when people meet others for the first time, they largely reach a consensus about who is, and who isn\u2019t, desirable. That is, if you ask people to evaluate new acquaintances on traits like attractiveness, status, warmth, trustworthiness, and the ability to provide a satisfying romantic relationship, most people will offer around the same ratings for the same person.<\/p>\n

Yet, over time, as the folks get to know each other better, this consensus falls to almost zero. What people come to learn about each other colors and transforms their perceptions; one person will rate another as ranking high in these qualities, while another will rank the same individual as being low in them. Think about a group of your mixed-sex friends who\u2019ve all known each other for a long time; if you ask each person to evaluate each other\u2019s \u201cmate value,\u201d you\u2019d get a wide variety of responses.<\/p>\n

We all have unique, idiosyncratic rubrics for how we evaluate a potential mate\u2019s assets and shortcomings; what does it for one guy, doesn\u2019t do it for another. Within this rubric, the qualities all people lend the most importance in initial encounters (attractiveness in women; status in men<\/a>) wane in importance with time, while the importance of unique qualities that underlie compatibility and the long-term success of the relationship wax.<\/p>\n

Think about your freshman year at college; perhaps there was a girl who you were initially attracted to because of her looks, but who you became less attracted to as the year wore on, as you discovered she had an ugly and off-putting personality. Conversely, perhaps there was a gal who you didn\u2019t initially notice, but came to be more and more attracted to as you got to know her personality.<\/p>\n

The fact that our evaluations of people greatly shift over time, corresponds to the fact that most people begin a romantic relationship with someone they\u2019ve known for awhile in a non-romantic capacity. In fact, a survey of adolescents showed that only 6% hadn\u2019t known each other before becoming romantically involved; 53% had formerly been acquaintances, and 41% had been friends. Another study found that on average, the woman a single guy is pursuing at any given time, is someone he\u2019s known for over a year.<\/p>\n

The majority of romantic relationships thus begin between two friends or acquaintances who\u2019ve known each other awhile, who understand, and appreciate, each other\u2019s idiosyncrasies, and who suddenly get hit with a spark that causes them to shift their perception and see each other in a new way. \u201cOh, hey, I like <\/em>this person.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yet in the Age of Tinder, with the hypothetical ability to go on as many first dates as you\u2019ve got time, guys expect to go from 0 to 60 with a stranger on the first date. They think sparks will instantly fly from the moment they meet a girl they\u2019ve only seen on their phone. It could happen, but it might not, and if it doesn\u2019t, that doesn\u2019t automatically mean there\u2019s no chance of the relationship going somewhere.<\/p>\n

We can be terrible judges when it comes to gauging relationship potential with someone we\u2019ve just met — especially on a first date when people can be stiff, nervous, and awkward. Sure, much of physical attraction is instinctive, but the qualities that might make you uniquely compatible with someone will end up being more important, and don\u2019t always emerge right off the bat; you may need more than one date to figure out if they\u2019re there, or not.<\/p>\n

Intentionally Invest in People — They Might Surprise You<\/h3>\n

There are times when you meet someone and know they\u2019re going to be your future best friend or soul mate right from the get-go. But there are also instances when it takes some time and a series of shared experiences for you to see them in a new way and for a connection to emerge.<\/p>\n

The \u201c3\u201d part of the 3-Encounter Rule obviously isn\u2019t set in stone; sometimes you truly know after just one outing that a person isn\u2019t right for you in any way, and sometimes it takes more than 3 encounters for a connection to make itself known. In the case of the former, you don\u2019t have to waste your time and\/or money pursuing what is clearly a dead end. What the rule simply means is that if you\u2019re on the fence about someone — there\u2019s a chance there\u2019s something between you, but you\u2019re not sure — then pursue it a little further, until you fall to one side of the fence or the other.<\/p>\n

Instead of instantly swiping potential friends and lovers away, invest a little in them, and you just might discover the richest relationships of your life.<\/p>\n

Make sure to check out our podcast about how long it takes to make friends<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Awhile back, a couple who Kate and I knew mostly in passing and moments of small talk at church, invited us over to their house for dinner. We gladly accepted the invitation, as we love when folks take the initiative in getting to know people (and we in turn love hosting people at our house). 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