{"id":49287,"date":"2015-07-27T18:22:52","date_gmt":"2015-07-27T23:22:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=49287"},"modified":"2021-09-25T20:01:01","modified_gmt":"2021-09-26T01:01:01","slug":"the-3-families-every-young-man-needs-to-grow-up-well","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/family\/the-3-families-every-young-man-needs-to-grow-up-well\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Families Every Young Man Needs to Grow Up Well"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Vintage
\nHumans are social beings. For most of history, we lived together in small tribes made up of extended families. Within the tribe, a boy had parents, relatives, and elders of all kinds who shepherded him into adulthood. Through rites of passage<\/a>, he learned what his community expected from him as a man, and he gradually began to take on those responsibilities and their attendant privileges.<\/p>\n

Today we live a far more atomized and isolated lifestyle. Extended family no longer lives near each other for the most part, and parents typically don\u2019t stay in an area (or even neighborhood) long enough to establish roots and deep-seated friendships. It\u2019s every man, and boy, for himself, and young men often don\u2019t get much guidance on how to grow into mature manhood.<\/p>\n

This disintegration of social connections can have particularly severe consequences for boys and men. Masculinity is essentially an energy created by testosterone<\/a> — a drive to compete, take risks, and be aggressive. Without a group to belong to — without bonds that channel and direct this energy towards positive ends — a young man will often end up feeling lost. If he doesn\u2019t get the recognition he craves, the training he needs, or the opportunity to prove himself he so desires, he may either act out his impulses in destructive ways or be plagued with a sense of restlessness that develops into a paralyzing malaise<\/a> or persistent depression<\/a>.<\/p>\n

In The Wonder of Boys<\/em><\/a>, Dr. Michael Gurian argues that boys can avoid these pitfalls if adults are willing to step up and take a more proactive role in creating a supportive tribe for them. This tribe is ideally composed of three different \u201cfamilies\u201d that together raise a boy into mature, well-adjusted manhood. It should be noted that girls absolutely benefit from being enmeshed in these three families, too. Gurian would just argue that because of the general tendency for boys (thanks to testosterone<\/a>) to disengage and be drawn to potentially destructive pursuits, boys and young men have more to lose if they don\u2019t receive this kind of support (see: the gender make-up of mass shooters, the prison population, the suicide rate, the college graduation rate<\/a>, etc.). Though you shouldn\u2019t think of the three families as a way to prevent your son from becoming a dropout or criminal either; even if he\u2019s a good kid, growing up within a tribe will help him become his best possible self.<\/p>\n

Today we\u2019ll take a look at who makes up each of the three families, and offer some ideas to parents, extended family members, and young men themselves on how to build, strengthen, and make the most of them.<\/p>\n

The 3 Families Every Young Man Needs<\/u><\/h3>\n

First Family<\/h3>\n

\"Vintage<\/p>\n

A boy\u2019s First Family is his nuclear family. The First Family consists of birth or adoptive parents or even grandparents who have taken on the role of raising kids full-time.<\/p>\n

A boy spends most of his time with his First Family, and it thus serves as the foundation for his development. Within the home, a child is taught the values of his tribe on a continual, everyday basis. Ideally, it is here he learns how to cooperate with others, to love and be loved<\/a>, and the importance of contributing to the household economy (through chores<\/a> or otherwise) and the well-being of his family. What\u2019s more, it is within the First Family that a child receives an education in the skills necessary to survive and thrive on his own.<\/p>\n

Study after study has shown<\/a> that children who are raised in a home where both a mother and father are present fare better than children raised by single parents. They do better in school, they\u2019re less likely to do drugs, they’re less likely to become teenage parents, and they\u2019re more likely to go to college. What\u2019s more, children raised by both parents in the home are healthier physically and emotionally than those raised by single parents. And all of these benefits are particularly pronounced for boys.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t to say that if you\u2019re raising your kiddo as a single parent, that he\u2019s doomed to a drug-filled life of juvenile delinquency. As we\u2019ll see below, the support of the other two families can help fill gaps that are lacking in your First Family. But the two-parent home is the ideal and a worthy aim for all. If it doesn\u2019t work out after we\u2019ve given it everything, then we can adjust and work with the situation we have.<\/p>\n

How to Help Give Young Men a Stronger First Family<\/h3>\n

Advice for Fathers in Intact Families<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Always work on your marriage.<\/strong> The relationship between you and your wife forms the foundation for your family; as the saying goes: \u201cthe best way to love your children is to love their mother.\u201d Kids can sense when things aren\u2019t right between mom and dad, and it adversely affects them, sapping their sense of security and depriving them of a good example of marriage. The way you and your wife live out your relationship will shape the way your kids will live out theirs. Make sure you\u2019re modeling a positive partnership. Be sure to check out our marriage category<\/a> for inspiration and skills to keep your marriage on the right track.<\/p>\n

Create a positive family culture.<\/strong> You\u2019ve probably met those families that seem to have it all together. The parents were happy. The kids were all well-adjusted and did the right thing. Everyone in the family seemed to genuinely love, respect, and care for each other. These sorts of families don\u2019t just happen — the parents were extremely intentional <\/em>about creating and fostering a positive family culture<\/a>. As the father, take the lead in guiding and directing yours. The tips below offer direction on just how to do that.<\/p>\n

Work with your family on developing a mission.<\/strong> What principles do you want your kids to learn in your home? What\u2019s the purpose of your family? You may feel that family members know these things implicitly, but it\u2019s vitally important to make them explicit.<\/p>\n

One of the best ways of doing that is by crafting a family mission statement; here\u2019s how you do it<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Have regular family meetings.<\/strong> While a family mission statement can provide the big-picture vision for your family, regular family meetings<\/a> are how you take that vision and turn it into action. It\u2019s where the rubber meets the road. During weekly family meetings, you ensure that everyone\u2019s calendars are synced and solve problems that the family may be experiencing. More importantly, it\u2019s a chance to reinforce your family\u2019s culture and values with planned lessons and discussion.<\/p>\n

Establish family traditions.<\/strong> Family traditions<\/a> help strengthen the family bond, teach important values, and provide a much-needed source of identity for your children. If you haven\u2019t yet, start instituting memorable, bond-building traditions into your family life. Need ideas? Check out this list of 60+.<\/a><\/p>\n

Family meals. <\/strong>There\u2019s nothing magical about gathering the family for regular meals; it\u2019s what you do with them that matters<\/a>. Use mealtimes (it doesn\u2019t have to be dinner) as a chance for your family to slow down, get together face-to-face, talk without distractions, cement your values, create a feeling of support, and build loving bonds.<\/p>\n

Advice for Fathers in Divorced Families<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Do what you can to work with the other parent in raising your son.<\/strong> Some research shows that it isn\u2019t the divorce itself that causes much of its ill effect on children, but the conflict and bickering that continues to go on between their parents after the split. So prioritize civilly working with the mother of your children to raise them. I know that in many cases this is easier said than done — but do what you can. Strive to play an active role in your child\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a mother who\u2019s divorced from your children\u2019s father, make their spending time with dad a top priority. You\u2019re helping your kids be the best they can be.<\/p>\n

There are a lot of resources out there for respectful collaborative parenting between divorced parents; I recently heard an interview with the author of this book<\/a> on the subject, and it seems like a good one.<\/p>\n

Respect step-parents, but still acknowledge your role as your son\u2019s father.<\/strong> In divorced families, new spouses — and therefore step-parents — often enter the picture. This can lead to anger, jealousy, and competitiveness. Just as your kids will pick up on tension between you and their mom, they\u2019ll pick up on it between you and a new spouse as well. These are admittedly tough situations, but be sure you respect the step-parent, especially when talking about them in front of your kids. Acknowledge that the new man has a role to play in raising them, but also assert yourself as the father as much as you can. You can still establish important and memorable traditions and rites of passage — even if that means only on a bi-weekly or monthly basis.<\/p>\n

Advice for Young Men<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Prioritize spending time with your family and do your part to encourage a positive family culture.<\/strong> As you enter adolescence, you\u2019re naturally going to want to pull away from your parents and siblings some. That\u2019s a healthy part of becoming an independent adult. But continue to make time for your First Family as well. Ungrudgingly attend your family meetings (and if your parents have fallen down on the job, encourage everyone to do it!); try not to skip out on family dinners to hang out with friends or do other activities; spend time with your brothers and sisters. Encouraging a positive family culture is something not just for your parents to do; you have a big role to play as well.<\/p>\n

Be on the lookout for positive First Family traits you admire. <\/strong>Nobody comes from a perfect family, and by the time you\u2019re ready to head off on your own, you\u2019ll probably have some idea of how you might want to live differently than you were raised. In your high school and early college years, take note of what you admire about your friends\u2019 parents and the family cultures they\u2019ve created. Depending on how your own family life was, you might take a lot from other families, or you might just take small bits and pieces. Either way, thinking intentionally about what you want your future to look like and observing the families around you will be a boon to your maturity and family.<\/p>\n

Second Family<\/h3>\n

\"Vintage<\/p>\n

While a young man\u2019s First Family should offer a solid foundation for his development, it isn\u2019t enough. As mentioned at the start, for most of human history nuclear families were deeply enmeshed within a community that included close relatives and friends who lived nearby. A boy wasn\u2019t just raised by his mom and dad, but his grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends of the family as well.<\/p>\n

Gurian calls this close group of intimates the Second Family. The Second Family reinforces the values and skills taught within the home, and also helps give young men a sense of identity and belonging. This extended family is doubly important for boys raised in single parent households.<\/p>\n

Due to cultural and sociological changes in the 20th century, today\u2019s children don\u2019t have the kind of regular contact with grandparents or extended family that was common in centuries past. Increasing mobility has also prevented parents from forming close friendships with other adults who can act as godparents or non-blood uncles and aunts to their children. Consequently, children miss out on the nurturing and insights these individuals can provide, and parents are left carrying the entire burden of raising their children alone.<\/p>\n

Author Kurt Vonnegut astutely noted that this lack of supporting relatives and close friends is likely a contributor to marriages and families coming apart:<\/p>\n

\u201cUntil recent times, human beings usually had a permanent community of relatives. They had dozens of homes to go to. So when a married couple had a fight, one or the other could go to a house three doors down and stay with a close relative until he or she was feeling tender again. Or if the kids got so fed up with their parents that they couldn\u2019t stand it, they could march over to their uncle\u2019s for a while. Now this is rarely possible. Each family is locked into its little box. The neighbors aren\u2019t relatives. There aren\u2019t other houses where people can go and be cared for. When we ponder \u201cwhat\u2019s happening to America\u2014\u201d \u201cWhere have all the values gone?\u201d and all that\u2014the answer is perfectly simple. We\u2019re lonesome. We don\u2019t have enough friends or relatives any more. And we would if we lived in real communities.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Raising a human being is a tough job. And it wasn\u2019t meant to be done alone or even with just two people. It\u2019s become clich\u00e9 by now, but it really does take a village to raise a child.<\/p>\n

How to Help Give Young Men a Stronger Second Family<\/h3>\n

Advice for Fathers <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Stay near your parents and your relatives.<\/strong> When Kate and I were newly married and without kids, we were pretty set on leaving Oklahoma and settling down in Vermont. We loved the Green Mountain State and all the opportunities for outdoor adventure it provided. But when we had our first child we quickly decided that keeping our roots in Oklahoma would be the best thing for him and us.<\/p>\n

Gus and Scout love hanging out with Kate\u2019s parents, who actually live just down the street from us. And I love that my kids get to see their grandparents on a regular basis. Nana and Jaju (phonetic Polish for grandfather) have more time and patience for doing crafts, games, and projects with the kids, and Gus and Scout are learning things from them they might not otherwise learn with us. My wife\u2019s sister and her family also live close by, allowing our kids to get to hang out with their cousin several times a week. On Sundays, we all get together at my in-laws\u2019 house for a big dinner. We eat, tell stories<\/a>, get in some generally good-natured arguments, and then Jaju takes the kids upstairs to do some gymnastics on a ramp built from couch cushions.<\/p>\n

Plus, my parents and brother live just 90 miles from us in Oklahoma City. They often come up here and we make regular trips down there to see them. My folks of course love seeing the kids, and Gus and Scout find the trips a real treat.<\/p>\n

It makes Kate and me really happy that our kids can see their relatives regularly, and it seems incredibly enriching for them.<\/p>\n

Now I know economic necessity might not make staying near your family a possibility. Sometimes you\u2019ll have to take a job halfway across the country in order to support your family. I also understand that maybe the reason you keep away from your parents and siblings is because their influence is toxic rather than positive. But do what you can to stay near your parents when it\u2019s a viable option, and consider making it a priority as you plan your life. You\u2019ll be amazed at how much it benefits you, your children, and even your marriage (easier date nights and child-free vacations!).<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t\/can\u2019t live near relatives, be intentional about creating opportunities for them to connect. <\/strong>If you\u2019re already at a point in life where you have kids are separated from family, do your best to communicate regularly via email, phone, and Skype\/FaceTime. Invite family to come stay with you, spend the time\/money to visit them, plan vacations together — you get the idea. Your ability to do all this obviously depends on your unique means and circumstances, but even if you don\u2019t personally love visits from your parents or the in-laws, your kids surely will, and they\u2019ll benefit greatly from it.<\/p>\n

Find mentors for your sons.<\/strong> In addition to relatives, you\u2019ll also want close non-blood friends to be a part of your son\u2019s Second Family. Maybe you have a best bud who still lives near you that can fill that role. If you don\u2019t, look for people in your neighborhood, church, or even workplace. Growing up, I had several adults who served as close mentors to me, most of whom were men from my church who were involved with the youth program. One of them was an older man named Andrew Lester. He was an artist and sculptor who I visited each week to help with chores around the house and in his studio. During that time, he\u2019d share stories from his life and ask me about what was going on in mine. Another mentor from church lived down the street from me. Together we\u2019d go visit families in our congregation once a month to see how they were doing and provide service for them. I learned a lot about servant leadership from watching his example.<\/p>\n

Look in your network to see if you can find any adults who could be a part of your son\u2019s Second Family. Don\u2019t foist the mentorship on your friend or the mentor on your son — he\u2019ll just resent it. The relationship needs to grow naturally. My friendship with Andrew began when I was asked by my church to go help him pave his walkway with some new bricks. From there, he asked me to come over every other week or so to help him move busts around in his studio. Over time, we became friends. Find a way to introduce your son to these non-kin Second Family members in a like manner.<\/p>\n

Know who your son\u2019s friends are (and treat them like family).<\/strong> Though Gurian\u2019s definition of the Second Family includes only the parent\u2019s relatives and friends, I think a boy\u2019s own friends should be included as well. During adolescence, a young man\u2019s friends can have much more influence on him than his kin.<\/p>\n

So as a father, get to know who your son\u2019s friends are, and treat them like your own. Make your home a place where he and his buddies will want to hang out. I was always grateful that I had other \u201cfamilies\u201d to hang out with when I was growing up. And it was always nice to see that my friends were able to cut it up with my folks and feel right at home with my family.<\/p>\n

What do you do when your son befriends kids who probably aren\u2019t a good influence on him? That\u2019s definitely a tough one, and something I have yet to experience. The experts say you don\u2019t want to outright forbid friendships because that can spark a \u201cRomeo-and-Juliet effect\u201d in which you just increase the allure of the friendship by making it forbidden. Instead, let your kid hang out with who he wants, but set limits — like he can only hang out with them at your house or something like that. Of course, you can\u2019t know what your son is doing and who he\u2019s seeing all the time. Sometimes you just have to keep reinforcing your family\u2019s values and let him make his own choices.<\/p>\n

Become friends with parents of your son\u2019s friends.<\/strong> Another source of non-kin members of your son\u2019s Second Family are the parents of your son\u2019s friends. Your son will likely be spending time at his friends\u2019 houses, so he\u2019ll be spending time with his friends\u2019 parents. Get to know those parents. It doesn\u2019t mean you need to be best chums, but you should at least know who they are and have an idea of their values and parenting system. When appropriate, work together in helping raise each other\u2019s kids.<\/p>\n

Growing up, I was a fortunate enough to live on a street with four families that had boys the same age as me. We were in and out of each other\u2019s homes all the time, and the moms and dads became the moms and dads of all the boys on the street.<\/p>\n

As I got older and made friends with other kids outside of my neighborhood, my parents somehow connected with the parents of my friends. My mom simply reached out to other moms, talked about their crazy boys and craft fairs, and a friendship developed between them. It seemed like each pair of parents gave the others tacit permission to set their respective son straight if they caught them doing something dumb. You begrudge it as a teenager, but you\u2019re grateful for it when you\u2019re a grown man.<\/p>\n

Advice for Relatives<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a grandfather, stay connected with your grandkids.<\/strong> If you don\u2019t live within driving distance of your grandchildren, do your best to stay connected with them. Email or write them a letter once a month. Share stories with them from your childhood. Ask about what\u2019s going on in their life. Skype often. When possible, get out to see them in person. Don\u2019t underestimate the positive influence you can have on your grandkids.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re an uncle, be the best uncle you possibly can be.<\/strong> Uncles have a unique and important role to play in families. They\u2019re older than their nieces and nephews, and so can be positive male mentors. But they\u2019re younger than Gramps, and can be up for goofy fun. They also provide nieces and nephews a look at life through the eyes of someone who branched off the same family tree, but may have a very different lifestyle than their parents. Whether he was married or single, most of us can remember that cool uncle in our lives that we looked up to. As you get older, and your siblings have kids, it\u2019s time to become that cool uncle yourself. It doesn\u2019t take much: be involved in their lives, babysit, write them a letter, visit when you\u2019re in town, learn the tricks of the trade<\/a>, etc. For more tips on being an awesome uncle, check out our definitive guide.<\/a>
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Sign up to be a mentor.<\/strong> Many boys and young men don\u2019t have anyone who can be a part of their Second Family for whatever reason. But you can fill that role by signing up to be a mentor. Big Brothers is always looking for new male mentors. You can even check with your church to see if there\u2019s a young man in need of a mentor<\/a>. Just make sure you\u2019re ready for the commitment. This isn\u2019t some nice thing you do whenever it\u2019s convenient for you. You\u2019re there to fill an almost family-like role for that boy, and you need to be prepared for the work that it\u2019ll take.<\/p>\n

Advice for Young Men<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Choose your friends wisely.<\/strong> In looking at folks I knew from high school, I\u2019m struck by the way in which the friends they chose greatly altered their path in life — for better and for worse. And I\u2019ve seen multiple families in which one of the children turns out great, and the other goes off the deep end — with one of the only differences between the siblings being the kind of people they hung out with in high school. The influence of your friends on your life cannot be overestimated.<\/p>\n

Unhappy and uncomfortable with the group of buddies you have now and want to make better-caliber friends? Join activities that tend to attract disciplined, smart, straight-arrow kids like student council and the cross-country team.<\/p>\n

Third Family<\/h3>\n

\"Vintage<\/p>\n

The Third Family consists of organizations (like your child\u2019s school), the larger community, the media, and your son\u2019s peers.<\/p>\n

This is the family a father has the least personal control over; you can\u2019t usually choose your child\u2019s teacher, classmates, etc. So you may teach your child one thing within the home, but they\u2019ll hear something completely different from the wider culture. For this reason, Dr. Gurian notes, often \u201cthe values of this Third Family run counter to the values of the boy\u2019s first family \u2014 our values.\u201d<\/p>\n

While you have less influence on the Third Family, it doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t have any influence on it.<\/p>\n

It will take initiative on your part to ensure that the values and culture you\u2019re trying to inculcate within your home are reinforced by your son\u2019s Third Family. When it\u2019s not possible to influence this outer ring of social ties, you\u2019ll simply need to be more intentional about bolstering your own family\u2019s culture.<\/p>\n

How to Help Give Young Men a Stronger Third Family<\/h3>\n

Advice for Fathers<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Get involved in your children\u2019s school.<\/strong> Don\u2019t just treat you son\u2019s school as a babysitter. They\u2019ll be spending most of their childhood and teenage years within the walls of a classroom \u2014 you should want to know what they\u2019re learning and doing there. Go to PTA meetings and voice your concerns. But don\u2019t just carp. Show your good faith by volunteering to help with projects and events within the school. Many schools now have \u201cFantastic Father Fridays\u201d or something like that for dads to come to the classroom, eat donuts with the kids, and talk to the teachers. The job of educating your child isn\u2019t just the school\u2019s job. Parents have a role to play too.<\/p>\n

Consider private school or home schooling.<\/strong> If you\u2019re not happy with how your local public schools are going about educating your children, do something about it. For example, consider a private school. Most private schools offer scholarships that make it affordable for average families.<\/p>\n

If private school isn\u2019t economically feasible, you might consider homeschooling. I\u2019ve run into more and more parents \u2014 both liberal and conservative \u2014 who are starting to homeschool their children because they\u2019re not happy with the bureaucracy of public schools.<\/p>\n

Be warned, of course, that home schooling is a huge time and energy commitment for parents. Getting your kids to do their chores is hard enough. Coming up with lesson plans and making sure your kids do their assignments is even harder. Luckily, the internet has made it far easier to access curriculum resources and to connect with other families to create a homeschooling co-op.<\/p>\n

Get the Second Family involved in school.<\/strong> Don\u2019t just make school a thing for the nuclear family. Get grandma and grandpa involved as well as extended family. Invite them to plays and recitals, and share what the kids are doing in the classroom. That way when the kids are spending time with their Second Family, they can reinforce the things the child is learning in school.<\/p>\n

Encourage your son to join a sports team.<\/strong> A sports team can play an important role in your child\u2019s Third Family. Research shows that children who play team sports grow up to have better people and leadership skills than adults who didn\u2019t play team sports as children. Athletics are where children can learn firsthand the values of cooperation, friendly competition, losing with dignity<\/a>, fair play, and hard work. You might even consider coaching a team yourself!<\/a><\/p>\n

Get involved in your church or community organization.<\/strong> Churches and community organizations are great places to build and strengthen a Third Family. They reinforce the values and principles you teach within your home, and can also be the source of Second Family mentors.<\/p>\n

Be intentional about the media that you and your family consume.<\/strong> We don\u2019t have any control over the content the media creates, but we can control the content that comes into our homes. Limiting screen time for your kids is a good place to start — encourage them to actually do stuff.<\/p>\n

When the kids are in front of the TV or on the iPad, make sure they only see things that are appropriate for their age and aligned with your family\u2019s values. Use internet filters<\/a> and parental controls, but more importantly, talk to your kids about what they\u2019re watching and explain how it can shape who they are.<\/p>\n

Advice for Young Men<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Carefully consider what you consume.<\/strong> Having your parents control your media is a drag, and you and I both know it\u2019s not possible for them to filter out everything. Now\u2019s the time to take charge of your own media consumption habits, and be proactive about what you want to take in.<\/p>\n

While it may seem cheesy or old fashioned to believe that what you watch and listen to will affect you, it\u2019s just a psychological reality that what gets into your head influences your thoughts, and your thoughts influence everything about who you are. Carefully curating your media consumption isn\u2019t just about stuff like avoiding porn<\/a> either; take it from a guy like Thoreau<\/a>, even letting the time-consuming trivialities of clickbait media lumber your mind will sap its ability to contemplate the true wonder and beauty of the world.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h3>\n

It really does take a village to raise a child. Proactively building and strengthening these three families will provide your son with the love, support, guidance, and examples he needs to develop into his best self and mature into an honorable manhood. If one of these families will always be a weak plank in your lives for reasons you can\u2019t control, work on strengthening the other two even more. The big takeaway from the article should be this: The more you surround your kids — sons and daughters alike — in a community of loving bonds where they are known, recognized, cared for, admonished, and encouraged, the better chances they\u2019ll have of becoming happy, well-adjusted adults.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Humans are social beings. For most of history, we lived together in small tribes made up of extended families. Within the tribe, a boy had parents, relatives, and elders of all kinds who shepherded him into adulthood. 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