![\"Shy](\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2014\/11\/shyguyheader.jpg\")
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For the last couple of weeks we\u2019ve been exploring the subject of shyness. In our first post, we talked about the nature of shyness and its symptoms<\/a>. In last week\u2019s article, we outlined the faulty thinking that leads to self-consciousness and anxiety<\/a>, which in turn fuels shy feelings and the desire to avoid socializing.<\/p>\n Today we\u2019re going to take the points we\u2019ve made so far, and connect them with action steps grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep in mind that it took years for you to develop your faulty thinking about socializing, so it\u2019s going to take awhile to transform that habitual, familiar mindset. Don\u2019t expect overnight success. As you implement these tips into your life, slowly but surely you\u2019ll find yourself becoming less and less shy.<\/p>\n Self-consciousness drives shyness, and the easiest way to start mitigating that self-consciousness is by practicing good hygiene<\/a> and dressing well \u2013 no cognitive re-framing required. Shy folks have enough to feel anxious about without worrying if people are looking at their acne or a stain on their shirt. It\u2019s easy to dismiss such things as unimportant or superficial, but you\u2019ll truly be surprised by how much more confident you\u2019ll be when you feel like you look good. You\u2019ll carry yourself differently in your interactions and be more inclined to strike up conversations with those you meet. Check out our extensive style section<\/a> to start feeling more confident in how you dress.<\/p>\n Another indirect way to decrease your social anxiety is to build your confidence through your mastery of some subject or skill<\/a>. Oftentimes shyness arises from a sense of not having anything of value to offer people. Being an expert in some area helps quiet this insecurity and makes you feel more sure of yourself.<\/p>\n Shy people are unresilient in the face of a perceived social threat. Awkward social interactions can really shake them and torpedo their confidence.<\/p>\n Strengthening your overall resilience will give you the mental toolbox you need to bounce back more quickly from setbacks \u2013 whether social or otherwise. We wrote an in-depth series several years ago on becoming more resilient. If you\u2019d like all the content in one place, check out our ebook version.<\/a> You\u2019ll find tactics on how to stop catastrophizing and avoid the \u201cme\/always\/everything\u201d mindset<\/a> that reinforces the faulty idea that socializing is stressful and threatening.<\/p>\n One of the things that makes overcoming shyness seem so hard is that shy people often assume it\u2019s a problem that only a few others experience. This makes them apt to think that there\u2019s something fundamentally wrong with them. The reality is that most people will experience shyness from time to time throughout their lives. Even many public figures are shy, but they\u2019ve learned to manage it successfully. If they can do it, you can too. By understanding that shyness is common and more importantly, commonly overcome, the problem begins to seem far less debilitating.<\/p>\n Social anxiety has deep roots; in our primordial past, belonging to a group was essential to survival. Social anxiety is nature\u2019s way of ensuring that we do what we have to do to stay with the pack. Even though today we live in a pretty safe environment and don\u2019t have to worry about dying if we\u2019re not part of a social group, our brains continue to gin up massive amounts of stress and anxiety at the specter of being rejected.<\/p>\n How do you overcome this primal instinct that\u2019s out of sync with our modern environment?<\/p>\n A clue can be found in looking at another of our brain\u2019s overly protective impulses. Researchers have found that when we exercise, our brain says we are exhausted even when our bodies actually have more to give<\/a>; it does so because its primitive side is anxious about our survival and holding onto our physiological fuel. The pain from a hard workout isn\u2019t \u201creal\u201d in the sense of it indicating that you can\u2019t actually go on; you\u2019ve simply triggered a primordial shut-off valve that can be pushed through. Studies have found<\/a> that this survival tendency that holds us back from further exertion can be overcome by talking to ourselves as we exercise \u2013 constantly repeating mantras like \u201cI\u2019m feeling good.\u201d<\/p>\n The same principle applies to addressing the problem of your brain overreacting to the threat of social rejection. The anxiety isn\u2019t \u201creal\u201d in the sense that you\u2019re actually in danger of something life-threatening befalling you. It\u2019s a feeling being generated by a bunch of neurons. That is all.<\/p>\n If you make a bad first impression<\/a> with a group of guys, what\u2019s the worst that could happen? Sure, they might think you\u2019re weird or some kind of flake, but so what? Are you going to die because of it? Unless you\u2019re in a Mexican prison, probably not. If a woman rejects your date offer, what\u2019s the worst that could happen? Are you doomed to be a genetic dead end? There are plenty of other women you can ask out and with whom you can possibly begin a happy and fulfilling relationship. You\u2019re no worse off than you were before, other than what you allow yourself to feel<\/em> about the encounter.<\/p>\n So if you feel stressed before, during, or after a social interaction, continually remind yourself that these awkward moments aren\u2019t <\/em>survival threats. When you start feeling those anxious, shy feelings, keep repeating to yourself: \u201cEverything\u2019s fine. My brain thinks it\u2019s 10,000 BC and is overreacting. I\u2019m not in danger of dying on the savanna. I\u2019m not in danger of dying on the savanna.\u201d<\/p>\n Part of the anxiety and self-consciousness that arises from socializing springs from the fact that we want everyone to like us. If someone doesn\u2019t seem to dig our vibe, it can be crushing, or at least irksome. \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t he think I\u2019m cool?!\u201d You start to feel there\u2019s something intrinsically wrong with you. But no one is universally liked; even very popular \u201cnice guy\u201d celebrities like Jimmy Fallon or Tom Hanks have their haters. And that\u2019s okay! Everyone\u2019s personality jibes with different people. Your personality just isn\u2019t going to align with some folks. Remember, there are people you<\/em> don\u2019t like too! And you probably don\u2019t generate terrible thoughts about them either, but simply think, \u201cThat\u2019s just not my type of person.\u201d So don\u2019t take it personally if others don\u2019t seem to get you.<\/p>\n A common approach shy individuals will take to overcome their anxiousness is take on some big social challenge like going to a single\u2019s mixer or walking up to a model-esque woman and striking up a conversation. The problem with this approach is that if you fail to smoothly socialize, you just reinforce the narrative in your head that you\u2019re shy and awkward, that you can\u2019t change, that socializing is threatening, and that the only way to get rid of those threatening feelings is to avoid socializing altogether.<\/p>\n Success breeds success when overcoming shyness. The more you see yourself successfully managing your anxiety, the more your story about yourself will change. So put yourself in a position to have as much success as early as possible. Instead of setting big goals, set small ones that seem less threatening.<\/p>\n First, simply work on making more eye contact with people<\/a>. When the cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, look her in the eye when you say yes.<\/p>\n Then, work on asking a single question to people you engage with in passing interactions. When you get your daily coffee, ask your barista how her day is going. If you need help finding something at a store, ask a clerk to help you. After a college class, ask your professor to expand on something he touched on in the lecture.<\/p>\n Next, try to engage people with some back and forth questions and get a short conversation going.<\/p>\n Treat your small, everyday social interactions like little experiments. See what happens when you engage people socially instead of simply avoiding them. You may be surprised to learn that socializing isn\u2019t that scary after all and won\u2019t lead to existential annihilation.<\/p>\n What if you can\u2019t even bring yourself to make eye contact with people? Well, you know it\u2019s not a matter of physical capability \u2013 you can <\/em>do it, you just can\u2019t make <\/em>yourself do it. Thus, the problem runs deeper than shyness. It\u2019s an issue of courage \u2013 your will\u2019s ability to overcome fear needs to be developed.<\/p>\n To strengthen one\u2019s will<\/a>, I would actually recommend starting with physical challenges rather than social ones. I believe that physical courage bolsters one\u2019s emotional courage, more than the reverse. Our physical needs have always been the most fundamental to our survival; as such, they represent the seat of our strongest drives and our greatest fears. If you can tame your tendency to run from physical pain, you can then work your way up the hierarchy of needs and conquer your fear of emotional pain.<\/p>\n So if you have severe shyness, and can\u2019t even begin to look people in the eye, my somewhat unorthodox advice would be to first make strenuous physical feats a regular part of your life. Do HIIT workouts at least a couple times a week. Take cold showers<\/a> a few times a week. Take up long-distance running<\/a>. Becoming comfortable will physical discomfort won\u2019t automatically make you comfortable with socializing, but it will build your confidence and create a foundation for the belief that your will is capable of bossing your fearful mind.<\/p>\n But what if you can\u2019t bring yourself to step into a cold shower either? There\u2019s no easy answer. As Yoda wisely put it, \u201cDo or do not. There is no try.\u201d You have to reach a point where you simply take a big breath and jump in. Nearly every good thing in life, from our physical health to our social prowess, is predicated on the ability to put aside immediate fear and discomfort for a long-term reward. Strengthening your will<\/a> is the prerequisite for all other progress.<\/p>\n In our digital age, it\u2019s easy to get out of practice with making small talk<\/a> with strangers. We can do many of our transactions online, and stick to only talking with our familiar friends or our spouse.<\/p>\n But then, when we have to or want to socialize with new people, and we really want to make a good impression on someone special, we fail, and flagellate ourselves for screwing up what could have been something great.<\/p>\n This is definitely the wrong approach! Even if you\u2019ve been mentally rehearsing how to act for weeks, if you haven\u2019t been regularly practicing in the real world, it\u2019s going to come out all rusty and creaky and awkward.<\/p>\n Social skills, like all skills, are highly perishable. You can\u2019t expect to be smooth if you haven\u2019t been exercising them on a daily basis. So don\u2019t wait to try out your social skills until you\u2019re in situations where the outcome is important to you. Instead, practice as much as possible where there aren\u2019t any stakes at all \u2013 where you\u2019re not going to see the person again and\/or it doesn\u2019t matter if you impress them or not. Keep practicing your patter with the guy who checks you in at the gym and the waiter at your favorite restaurant.<\/p>\n Then, when you do interact with someone that you hope to impress, the transition will be much smoother, and there will be a much greater chance of your succeeding!<\/p>\n One of the reasons folks get anxious about social encounters is that they\u2019re unsure of what they\u2019re supposed to say or how they\u2019re supposed to act in certain situations. It\u2019s the feeling of uncertainty that makes them the most anxious.<\/p>\n Shyness researchers have found that people forget themselves and their anxiety more easily if they\u2019re involved in activities that are helpful to others and give them a pre-determined role or job. For example, many self-described shy people don\u2019t have any problem talking to strangers<\/a> if it\u2019s part of their job.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re looking to get over your social shyness so that you can make new friends, consider volunteering your services for organizations that align with your interests and values. Political man? Volunteer to work a table or booth for your respective party or interest group. Religious? Volunteer to bring and serve refreshments at the next singles event. Charity-minded? Ask to work the soup line or be a cashier at a big non-profit garage sale.<\/p>\n As we\u2019ve shown throughout this series, self-consciousness is the fuel that keeps shyness going and is the obstacle that gets in the way of successfully socializing.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re looking for one tip that will help you feel less shy, this is it: quit thinking about yourself.<\/strong><\/p>\n When you start feeling those symptoms of anxiety like clammy hands or butterflies in the stomach, don\u2019t concentrate on them. Recognize those feelings for what they are (a reaction to a perceived threat), remind yourself there really isn\u2019t a threat, and double down your focus on the person you\u2019re with. Really listen to what they\u2019re saying, ask follow up questions, and be genuinely curious about the person.<\/p>\n If you find yourself slipping back into self-conscious thoughts, remind yourself that no one is likely noticing how nervous you feel. Heck, other people probably aren\u2019t thinking very much about you because they\u2019re so wrapped up in their own thoughts or in what they\u2019re about to say.<\/p>\n Again, people probably aren\u2019t thinking about or judging you.<\/p>\n One thing that helps me stop thinking about myself whenever I have those occasional bouts of anxiety about socializing is finding ways I can serve the people I\u2019m with at the moment. If you\u2019re at a party and you start feeling a bit anxious and self-conscious, think of a way to compliment the other person, or how you can make them feel more at ease. Ask if they need a drink or something to eat. You\u2019ll likely reduce their self-consciousness, while decreasing yours at the same time. It\u2019s win-win.<\/p>\n You\u2019d be surprised how many opportunities you\u2019ll have during the day to perform such social graces. The more you seek to help others, the less you focus on yourself and your worries, and the less shy you\u2019ll feel.<\/p>\n In general, I feel that the admonition to \u201cbe yourself\u201d is truly terrible advice. That sounds stupidly contrarian, but here\u2019s the question people never ask themselves: what is the \u201cself\u201d? If temperament and personality is 50% inherited, is your self your genetics? Is it the other 50% — the particular way you happened by chance to be raised? Is it an amalgamation of the millions of commercials you\u2019ve seen on TV and online that has influenced your perspective in ways you\u2019re not consciously aware of? And more importantly, what if your self would like to sit at home in a sweat suit 24\/7, playing video games, and eating Twinkies? Should you still be \u201ctrue to yourself\u201d?<\/p>\n Rather than being yourself, I think you should decide who you want to be, find an ideal, and act in accordance with it. Take whatever you think is inherent to your personality and marshal it towards excellence.<\/p>\n The caveat to this is that when you\u2019re first working on overcoming your shyness, it really is best to be yourself, and do whatever comes naturally (try to put on something other than a sweat suit, though). Someday you can work on making your voice more manly<\/a> and attractive, conveying warmth<\/a>, and projecting power<\/a>, but for now just work on making eye contact and asking questions without mumbling. You\u2019ve got enough to think about without trying to be charming while you\u2019re doing it; overthinking things will just trip you up. As you get more comfortable, you can work on slowly integrating behaviors that convey winning charisma<\/a> and make you come off as an even better version of \u201cyourself.\u201d<\/p>\n Even if you act like yourself, it’s good to try to act like a non-nervous version of yourself. We\u2019ve often espoused the principle of \u201cacting to become,\u201d<\/a> and it\u2019s highly relevant to overcoming shyness. By acting like you\u2019re not shy, you\u2019ll go a long way to actually getting rid of those shy feelings. This is an especially good tip for those who have less severe shyness or who used to not be shy, but have found themselves struggling with it for a period.<\/p>\n Implementation is simple: when you reach a point where you get tired of your shyness, say to yourself \u201cF it! This is dumb! I\u2019m just going to start acting confident.\u201d And then you do so; act loose and relaxed, look people in the eye, and start talking to them. Works like a charm.<\/p>\n Negative post-mortems after social exchanges<\/a> only reinforce your faulty beliefs about socializing. Next time you find yourself remunerating on all the ways you were socially awkward, challenge those negative thoughts.<\/p>\n For example, if you find yourself thinking, \u201cMan, Grace must have thought I was boring. She left our conversation to go talk to some other people,\u201d immediately ask yourself, \u201cDid she leave because I was boring or could there have been another explanation for why she left?\u201d Be honest with yourself if all the evidence is pointing a certain way, but leave room for alternative explanations when such evidence is lacking.<\/p>\n An even more effective way to squash negative post-mortems is to challenge your faulty thinking in writing:<\/p>\n The anxiety that comes with shyness begins with the negative beliefs, assumptions, and biases you have about socializing. Thanks to this faulty thinking, you have a narrative in your head that you are and will always be a shy guy and that anytime you engage socially, you\u2019re bound to mess things up and be awkward. You need to edit that story<\/a>.<\/p>\n In his book Redirect<\/em><\/a>, University of Virginia psychology professor Tim Wilson highlights research that shows how writing about an area of your life that\u2019s troubling you can have a profound effect on changing your beliefs about it. Because writing is such a deliberate and rational exercise, it forces us to analyze our emotions with our more logical, hard-nosed pre-frontal cortex. Writing seems to make us more objective about our anxieties, and helps us put things in perspective.<\/p>\n You can use this writing effect to edit your negative shyness narrative by doing the following writing exercise in your journal:<\/p>\n Set aside 20 minutes and think about the last social encounter you had where you felt shy or anxious. Answer the following questions in as much detail as you can. Really let go and explore the thoughts and emotions you had:<\/p>\n Do this exercise every other day or so. You\u2019ll be surprised how much it can change how you feel about yourself and your shyness after just a few sessions.<\/p>\n It is possible to change. You don\u2019t have to let shyness get in the way of life. You can become what shyness expert Bernardo J. Carducci calls \u201csuccessfully shy.\u201d But change takes time. Don\u2019t expect to be a fearless social butterfly in a matter of days or even weeks. It could very likely take months and even years to manage your shyness successfully. But little by little, you\u2019ll gradually find yourself feeling less and less anxious or awkward about socializing.<\/p>\n Treat every social interaction like a learning experience.<\/strong> When it goes less smoothly than you wanted it to, don\u2019t beat yourself up. Separate what was out of your control from what was, and dispassionately think about how you can improve the latter. Metaphorically and\/or literally shrug, and then move on and try to do better next time.<\/p>\n Well there you go. How to quit being a shy guy. I hope you found this series helpful. I\u2019d love to hear about your progress on overcoming your shyness. Drop us a line in the comments. And if you have any other tips that have helped you overcome your shyness, I\u2019d love to read those as well.<\/p>\n Read the Entire Series<\/strong><\/p>\n Part 1: Understand the Nature of Your Shyness<\/a> __________________________________<\/p>\n Sources:<\/em><\/p>\n Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness<\/a> by Gillian Butler<\/em><\/p>\nBuild the Foundation<\/span><\/h3>\n
Start with the easy stuff: hygiene and dressing well.<\/h3>\n
Build authentic confidence through mastery.<\/h3>\n
Boost your resilience.<\/h3>\n
Develop the Right Mindset <\/span><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nUnderstand that shyness is normal.<\/h3>\n
Repeat after me: socially awkward moments aren\u2019t survival threats.<\/h3>\n
Decide that it\u2019s okay if some people don\u2019t like you (you don\u2019t like some people, after all!).<\/h3>\n
Field-Test Your Skills<\/span><\/h3>\n
Start small.<\/h3>\n
Can\u2019t even start small? Try a\u2026cold shower?<\/h3>\n
Practice every day in non-threatening situations.<\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nGet involved in activities that provide a predetermined social role.<\/h3>\n
Quit thinking about yourself (because other people aren\u2019t!).<\/h3>\n
Be yourself, at least for now.<\/h3>\n
Fake it \u2018til you make it.<\/h3>\n
Review, Troubleshoot, and Improve<\/span><\/h3>\n
Challenge and avoid negative social post-mortems.<\/h3>\n
Edit your negative beliefs, assumptions, and biases through journaling.<\/h3>\n
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Be patient and take it easy on yourself.<\/h3>\n
\nPart 2: Identify the Faulty Thinking That Leads to Your Social Awkwardness<\/a><\/p>\n