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My wife Jane and I are celebrating our 15th anniversary this month. Hooray for us! It really feels like I\u2019ve hit the jackpot, because my wife and I enjoy each other\u2019s company more and more with every passing year. I don\u2019t think there\u2019s some big secret that has kept us blissfully happy this long \u2014 I tend to think that we genuinely just really like each other. <\/p>\n
A funny thing happens though after you\u2019ve been married for 10 (or 15) years and you still seem happy: you\u2019ll start to get folks asking for relationship tips or advice every once in a while. Honestly, I usually feel wholly unqualified to answer; people seem to want advice for the hard parts, but our marriage has not had many trials, and we don\u2019t fight very often. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve often wondered why I don\u2019t find marriage difficult, when the messaging around long-term relationships often says otherwise. Is there something we\u2019re actually doing differently? Are our easy-going personalities suited to a higher baseline level of contentment? Are we just too passive and Midwestern to bring up problems and somehow it works for us? (There\u2019s probably some truth to all of those!) <\/p>\n
A few years ago, however, I was forced to think through these questions a bit more when I was asked to officiate a dear friend\u2019s wedding ceremony. Beyond just guiding the couple through exchanging vows, I wanted to give some solid advice! After thinking about it for a while, I realized there was indeed a specific framework that has helped my wife and I avoid the fights that seem more common among folks we know and even amongst couples in pop culture depictions of marriage. I don\u2019t remember if we came by this idea naturally or encountered it somewhere else, but it\u2019s really worked for us and might help you as well. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s all too easy for any argument in a marriage \u2014 whether about work, kids, family, money, personality differences, whatever \u2014 to turn into a battle of you<\/i> versus them<\/i>. In this typical fight, there is a winner and loser, though it\u2019s usually the case that you both lose to some degree and the original problem may or may not be resolved. <\/p>\n
Our culture and even our biology have wired us to approach conflict as an adversarial contest. When we encounter threats, even small ones, we interpret them as being a danger to our happiness and way of life. We get defensive, put on our armor, and prepare for battle. <\/p>\n
In this scenario, you and your partner are like two knights, fighting over a prized jewel. Only one of you can get it, so you duke it out until someone decisively wins or one of you simply becomes too tired to keep going. For some couples, this won\u2019t look like actual fighting, but will be a war of silent looks and disdainful thoughts \u2014 which can be just as dangerous. <\/p>\n
I want to propose a different paradigm. <\/p>\n
Rather than framing your argument or issue as you<\/i> versus them<\/i>, think about it as you and your partner<\/i> versus the problem<\/i>. <\/p>\n
The baby is crying in the middle of the night and you\u2019re mad at each other because you can\u2019t agree on who should get up, which leads to an argument about who\u2019s doing more diaper changes, what your overall sleep strategy should be, etc. Naturally, your exhaustion exacerbates the problem. Instead, what if you thought of it as you and your partner versus the fussy baby? It\u2019s a funny image, I know, but it truly worked for us when our children were tiny \u2014 the silliness of the idea can work in your favor. How can you work together to solve this problem \u2014 to (metaphorically!) slay this baby dragon that\u2019s standing in the way of the prized jewel of good sleep and happy parents? <\/p>\n
It works even when the problem doesn\u2019t have a face. If your budget just isn\u2019t coming together and the bank account seems a little low, it can easily turn couples against each other. Why are you<\/i> spending so much? Why aren\u2019t you<\/i> working harder to get a promotion? Instead, think of it as you and your spouse versus that stupid bank account. How can you team up to save more money? How can one of you support the other for a season of putting in more hours on the job? <\/p>\n
Of course there are some issues that this framework can\u2019t resolve. You and your spouse versus an affair won\u2019t work the same. But for the recurring arguments that aren\u2019t on an existential level, it can go a long way. <\/p>\n
You and your partner can create an almost playful mindset along the lines of, \u201cThe world is conspiring against us and trying to tear us apart; we have to figure out how to beat back the darkness, together.\u201d<\/p>\n
Stop thinking of problem areas in your relationship as you against your spouse, and start thinking: It’s us against the world<\/i>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My wife Jane and I are celebrating our 15th anniversary this month. Hooray for us! It really feels like I\u2019ve hit the jackpot, because my wife and I enjoy each other\u2019s company more and more with every passing year. I don\u2019t think there\u2019s some big secret that has kept us blissfully happy this long \u2014 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":194386,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[42398,42379],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-194381","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","category-social"],"featured_image_urls":{"aom":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2026\/08\/marriage-1-372x230.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2026\/08\/marriage-1-320x167.jpg"},"yoast_head":"\n