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In a famous study<\/a> done a couple of decades ago, researchers wanted to see whether the \u201cproximity and salience of a food\u201d influenced how much of it was consumed. Jars were filled with candy and placed in an office. Some of them were put directly on workers\u2019 desks; others were placed six feet away from them. Some of the containers were opaque; others were transparent. When the study\u2019s results were tallied, it was found that people reached into the jars more often when the candy was visible, and especially when the jars were close at hand.<\/p>\n It seems as though the more often you\u2019re presented with an option, the more you think about it, and the more you think about an option, the more likely you are to exercise it.<\/p>\n This dynamic likely extends beyond food consumption. Maybe even to marriage.<\/p>\n When the sociologist Brad Wilcox came on the podcast<\/a> to talk about the extensive research he\u2019s done on marriage, he discussed some of the habits and qualities shared by the happiest and most thriving couples. One of them, he said, is a strong commitment that manifests itself in \u201cnot putting the D word in a conversation when you\u2019re having an argument or there\u2019s some problem in your marriage.\u201d Thriving couples don\u2019t think of divorce as an option.<\/p>\n In his book Get Married<\/a><\/em>, Wilcox notes that \u201cIn the State of Our Unions Survey, husbands and wives who reported that \u2018marriage is for life\u2014unless there is abuse or adultery\u2019 were more likely to say that they were significantly satisfied (\u2018very happy\u2019) in their marriages, compared to those husbands and wives who said that \u2018Marriage is for as long as you feel fulfilled.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Wilcox notes that these results may be correlative rather than causal, \u201cgiven that men and women in happier marriages may be more likely to embrace an ethic of martial permanence due to the higher quality of their marriages.\u201d But he cites other research that has found similar results when couples are not only asked about the state of their marriage at the moment but are tracked over time.<\/p>\n When a couple\u2019s expectation is that marriage is forever, it influences how they interact, especially when inevitable tensions arise. As Wilcox noted on the podcast, \u201cMost couples have problems at some point in their marriage, and I think couples who just keep divorce out of the picture are more readily able to handle those challenges and overcome them.\u201d<\/p>\n The more often the option of divorce is raised during arguments, the more salient it becomes, increasing the likelihood that the option may one day be exercised. And raising the specter of divorce simply makes the interaction more fraught. It prompts questions like: \u201cAre we incompatible?\u201d \u201cIs this unraveling?\u201d \u201cCan we go on?\u201d If there\u2019s an escape hatch lurking in the background, a feeling that this whole thing could potentially be temporary, then there\u2019s less of an impulse to dig in and solve the problem at hand.<\/p>\n If, on the other hand, a couple never puts the divorce option on the table, while their arguments may get heated, there are no stakes; the couple may grapple in intense ways, but the fight doesn\u2019t feel existentially threatening. Because each spouse knows that they\u2019re committed to making the marriage last, it creates a sense of security and prompts the partners towards a problem-solving approach. They think, \u201cOk, this is hard, but we\u2019re going to have to figure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n Couples sometimes say that their irreconcilable differences made divorce the only option. But their differences may have become irreconcilable because divorce was made an option.<\/p>\n There isn\u2019t something magical or superstitious in making divorce \u201cthe thing that shall not be named,\u201d as in the idiom, “Speak of the wolf and he is at your door.” Not raising divorce as an option won\u2019t guarantee an enduring and happy marriage. But when the practice is indicative of one\u2019s underlying stance towards the relationship, a rock-solid commitment to making your marriage last, it\u2019s something that helps give you the best possible shot at doing just that.<\/p>\n For more insights on the qualities of thriving marriages, listen to this podcast episode with Brad Wilcox<\/a>:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n