If you’re interested in the subject of extended adolescence, but didn’t find the last article we linked to on the subject to your liking, be sure to check out this one in the upcoming NYT magazine. The author takes the time to lay out a thoughtful and pretty balanced look at both sides of what some psychologists are calling a new life stage: emerging adulthood. “Emerging adulthood” represents the putting off of the traditional milestones of adulthood like job, marriage, and children for a phase, typically in one’s 20s, marked by “identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between and….’a sense of possibilities.’” This stage of “emerging adulthood” led 60 percent of the 20-somethings in one study to say they “felt like both grown-ups and not-quite-grown-ups.”
This change in the expectations for the timetable of growing up brings up a host of very interesting questions:
“The more profound question behind the scholarly intrigue is the one that really captivates parents: whether the prolongation of this unsettled time of life is a good thing or a bad thing. With life spans stretching into the ninth decade, is it better for young people to experiment in their 20s before making choices they’ll have to live with for more than half a century? Or is adulthood now so malleable, with marriage and employment options constantly being reassessed, that young people would be better off just getting started on something, or else they’ll never catch up, consigned to remain always a few steps behind the early bloomers? Is emerging adulthood a rich and varied period for self-discovery, as Arnett says it is? Or is it just another term for self-indulgence?”
What do you think?
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Teenagers aren’t taught how to be adults anymore. They’re taught that college comes first, then a job, then marriage. Congratulations, now you’re an adult. Most high schools don’t have personal finance classes, so students don’t know how to balance a check book or make a budget. I know I didn’t. Students don’t know how to manage debt, or to spend within their means. More people declare bankruptcy each year than graduate college, and that’s even worse than it sounds when you consider more high school graduates are going to college now than at any other time in the past–the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that in October 2009 70.1% of high school graduates were enrolled in universities or colleges.
Does that mean more 18 year olds know what they want to do? No, it means more parents are pushing their children into college. Four–or five, or six–years later the student graduates with tens of thousands of dollars of student loan debt. At least they’ve got the degree, right? That means they know where they’re going, right? Not necessarily.
Not only are there more career options available today than there were fifty, or even ten years ago, but the prospects of finding a job are dim for graduating college students: unemployment is high, left and right companies are abandoning pensioners, and entire industries are collapsing. Approaching the job market today with limited experience and a BS is intimidating, and a lot of people don’t find work. Rather than add to the already impressive debt they’ve racked up just getting through college many graduates return home. Others settle for minimum wage jobs outside of their field of study so they can pay the bills.
It’s a tough, constantly changing world out there, and I submit that high school students aren’t being adequately prepared for it.
It’s pretty wonderful you posted this when you did, because this subject has been on my mind quite a bit recently.
I am a 23 year old man, and I have just moved out of my childhood home. Where I live, the sort of perpetual adolescence described in the article is especially prevalent. I would go so far as to say it is the norm. Here is some background first: My brother-in-law lived in his childhood home until the age of 28, all while being paid nearly six figures and working for an investment bank. His best friend is 30 years old, lives in his childhood home, works for the postal service and is getting married this year. The best friend’s brother is 33, also works for an investment bank, recently purchased a new Lexus, and has no plans for moving from the home in which he grew up. Directly across the street from me live two police officers, both brothers. One is 26 and the other is 29. They both still live at home. My sister is 27, works for an investment bank, and until getting married in June, lived at home, all while making nearly $90,000 per year. My high school friends are all my age, and none have plans for moving out. One is planning on purchasing a new truck, the other is studying to be a teacher, and the last is a police officer. Respectively, they are 23, 24, and 26 years old. They spend their Thursdays at the Jersey shore and their weekends in Atlantic City. My cousins, all girls, are either living at home or recently moved out after getting married. All are in their late 20′s or early 30′s and have well paying and generally secure jobs. Two are having trouble conceiving.
The vast majority come from ostensibly conservative, third generation immigrant families. Generally, the expectation is that they will go to college, graduate, and move back home for an indefinite and nebulous period of saving/partying.
Now for the counterpoint: My girlfriend’s cousins were given six months to live at home after graduating college. In that short time, they were expected to find a job and save some money. After that, they were expected to either leave, or start paying rent. They were treated as adults, and expected to struggle and get by on their own. One is working full time and is currently studying to become an aeronautical engineer. The other just graduated law school magna cum laude and secured a position with a prestigious law firm.
My experience is as follows. I graduated college two years ago, and was lucky enough to find a job and begin working within two months of returning home. Moving out was on my mind, but based upon my salary and significant student loans, it would have been an extremely risky proposition. Last January, I found a new job with a significant pay increase. For the last seven months, I have been furiously saving money and paying down my student loans. On August 14th, my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment together.
Our decision hasn’t come without serious drawbacks. Over the last two years, I haven’t seen my friends very often, and my nights have generally ended by 10pm. We haven’t taken any trips anywhere. We do not eat out. In essence, we have put off many of the newly traditional trappings of extended youth. But I have learned far more in the last two years than I have in the previous 21 combined. Most importantly, I have learned that the benefits of hustle and struggle far exceed the drawbacks. We have nearly $20,000 in the bank. I am buying an engagement ring this month. I have paid down nearly $15,000 of my student loans. We are planning a trip for the summer, and are launching a blog in September. We haven’t spent any time with the heaving, over tanned masses at the Jersey shore. We feel like adults.
We had time to act like children in middle school. We had time to act like adolescents and teenagers in high school. We had time to act like irresponsible young adults in college. But those times are over. Now is the time to act like an adult. Not a young adult. Not an emerging adult. A real adult. With real responsibilities and real struggles and real joys.
None of this is to say a person should not pursue his or her passions. People should take their time in selecting a career. They should backpack through Europe on the cheap. They should eat good meals and meet great people. At this point in life, we don’t truly bear the burdens of middle age. We don’t have to worry about the kids having health insurance, or whether Jimmy finished his homework. We don’t have to worry about watering the grass or fixing the boiler in the basement. We can and should go out of our way to take the chances we will not be able to take later in life.
But all too often, people my age use this time to binge drink. To gamble their money away in Atlantic City every weekend. To mooch an iPhone and data plan from mom and dad. To perpetually put off responsibility until marriage, and then get hit by a tidal wave of adulthood. To hurry up and conceive at age 30. To hurry up and grab the mortgage when rates are low and time is short. To hurry up and take that job, because, lets face it, no one else is going to pay for HBO On Demand but you.
I intend, perhaps naively, to avoid the tidal wave and just jump in now. Life is too awesome to wait for. Nothing is to be gained by pretending as if adulthood is always just a year away.
I’d like to enjoy my twenties. I’m strangely looking forward to scraping by on mediocre meals and no tv. You see, I want to be young enough to get married and wait a year or two before having kids. I’d like to be fit enough to coach their teams and have a catch. I’d like to see them off to college at some point before my mid seventies.
I never really intended this to become the opus that it has, but I’ve been meaning to get it out of my brain for a while. Keep up the good work with the blog. I can honestly say it’s made me a better man.
I’m 22, almost 23, years old, and the idea of emerging adulthood is totally valid. I just graduated from the University of Miami, and am now working a job that’s completely unrelated to my degrees in order to save up some money before trying to find some sort of entry-level job in the world of political science.
I’m loving this “in-between time” for better or for worse. Yes, each year that goes by without me establishing a steady career or settling down and making a family is a year lost, and both of those things are long-term goals for me. But a slowly-sinking job market and 16 years of school have left me wanting to explore and reassess myself and the world around me before resuming what I know I must eventually do.
It is during this time that I’m learning about personal finance and responsibility as well, so by the time I am ready to get a good career and a family, I’ll be ready. That being said, however, I should have probably learned this stuff years ago.
Alex,
I completely agree. And from a fellow political science major…how many times did you have to field the question: So are you going to become a political scientist?
I can’t tell you how many times people half mockingly asked me that. So frustrating.
I have heard too many college students declare in private and public alike and sentiments ranging from careless boasts to self-effacing cluelessness that they do not know what they want to do. I cannot believe that these kids ever find out what is important and what is not – and they certainly are not helped, because nothing is ever urgent for them. Except perhaps their whims. I have seen many of them commit themselves and adopt fanatical beliefs of the kind popular in college now – becoming activists, in short, and worrying publicly about very abstract propositions and problems on other continents than their own. This is not learning anything, it is merely fanatical belief and following the popular prejudices of their groups. I don’t know who could commend this or the education that leads here.
So can one not be considered truly an adult until you have kids? I’m 29, I have a good job (using the degree I studied, Illustration/Computer Animation) and I moved out of home when I was 17 (shortly after, my mom left the country and went to live in Canada) and never went back to the cushy life, despite a fair amount of pressure to do so from her at various times.
I support myself, pay my bills, and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved, by myself. But I’ve never wanted children, and I find it kind of galling to know that I won’t be classed as a “proper” adult until I have them.
Did Quest even read the article? I don’t want to have kids either, but I didn’t see any mention of that meaning you weren’t a proper adult. Instead, it says that while that was a traditional milestone, it isn’t more.
I’m in the camp of people who love the idea of emerging adulthood. If I’m going to live to be 100, why do I need to settle down now in my 20s? Why not take longer to explore the world and different things? It’s really a matter of defining what grown up means. If being grown up means having kids and mortgage, then yeah, I’m not an adult. But if it simply means being mature and independent then I think I qualify even though I haven’t settled down yet.
Brett,
Great link, and good commentary! I completely agree with most of the comments: They just don’t teach this stuff anymore. That’s one of the big reasons I started Primer, when I graduated college I was expected to be an adult, but didn’t feel like I had the necessary skills to perform like one. Personal finances? Saving for retirement? Knowing when to go to the doctor? Taking care of a home? None of these things are taught at any level.
I feel like I’m just leaving the “emerging adulthood” phase. It feels good!
This is a very similar concept to Ethan Watters’ book “Urban Tribes” back in ’03. My “tribe” was featured in USA Today at the time. http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2003-10-05-urban-tribes-usat_x.htm
Not sure how I feel about emerging adulthood. I like the idea of spending the time to learn more about yourself and pursuing things that make you happy. On the other hand, when is it time to just grow up?
I’m 23 years old, engaged, and recently started my first professional job, so it seems like I’m more on the traditional path than the new one. On the other hand I took some time to intern at non-profits and even travelled a bit.
It gives me a lot of satisfaction to know that my life is moving forward and upward.
I can’t help but feel that taking time off to write your novel or what have you is somewhat selfish and too self-indulgent for my tastes. In my mind, being self-sufficient and producing something for society (through work or otherwise), while still purusing personal/intellectual advancement are true measures of a man. Whether you do that by going to school, having kids, or blazing your own path is irrelivant.
Growing up, I always found myself in conversation with those who are two generations older than I. It has payed off very well but has left me empty in the friend department. At 21, I left the nest. By 24 I was married, owned my own house, and owned my own business. Now at 32 my business is thriving (bad economy be damned!), and I have a six-year-old.
What I don’t have is friends. I never have. I’d love to have at least one, but no one wants me in their life. Mentally, I converse well with those significantly older than me but older folks have made it clear that they really don’t want some “kid” hanging around. Guys my age and younger I simply don’t relate to. They are still stuck in high school/college. Regardless of how genuinely friendly I strive to be, guys my age (and slightly older) have also made it clear that they don’t want me around. So be it.
I’m a 23-year old and I’m guilty of still living at home. I’m not going to school, because for too long I was attending a local community college without any idea what direction I was going. I have a job, but I’m probably going to have to get a second one (uniquely American, right Bush?). I’m trying to get my life back together, but I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.
If you are over 18 and you embrace this notion, you are buying a load of dung. You are a man (or woman) in the eyes of the law & God. What you do counts, everyday. Whether it is flipping burgers or digging ditches or surgery. Don’t buy into the lie that it does not count & you have not “launched”. Nobody & no situation is “perfect” and the rest of your life will be filled with uncertainty, discovery & challenge. It is called “life”, not vacation. So put down the game console control pad, get out of your parents garage or basement, get a job, degree (if needed), home, wife and then family (preferably in that order).
I’m not saying one way or the other…but I am 28 years old, I own the home where my wife of three years, and 15-month old daughter live, I own two other houses that are rental properties. I volunteered to serve in the military and did my part defending the lazy 20-somethings right to be lazy. My primary income is from the federal Government that forces me to be away from home 60% of the time. I have a new truck, and my wife has a new car. My daughter has clothes on her back, and we both have blackberries. I don’t make a ton of money (see above I work for the feds). But I have made careful and PLANNED decisions about what WE want, and how to get them. And I have routinley worked a 10 hour day at the real job, then put in 5 hours cleaning and working on my rental properties, then pulled a trailer with my new truck to make a few extra bucks.
I don’t think this is poor teaching from parents, or self discovery. I think it’s sheer laziness and lack of self motivation. Sometimes it would just be easier to not do it, and by it I mean all the responsibilities of your life. Who wants to go pound the pavement for a job when you can watch TV. Who wants to be in the military and fight for something, while making a pay check, when you can fight for level increases playing Call of Duty? And why bust your ass for anything, when you have food in your fridge, a phone in your pocket, clothes on your back, gas in your car and never have to pay a dime.
As a side note ALL women I talk to about this say it is a huge turn off, and in your late twenties if you have to sneak your date past your mom’s room to have some “adult” fun….well make your own assumptions.
I have all that I want and need because i have worked for it, and I take better care of my things because I’ve paid for them. If finding a job was easy everyone would have one, just like if having a perfect body was easy everyone would have one.
I’m not saying that these people are wrong, to each their own. I just don’t like hearing a thousand different reasons why their life is so hard, and why they can’t do this or that, but refuse to work for anything.
*****and PS Benjamin, don’t feel bad I am the same way. I have long time friends, that I am not friendly with, and it’s hard to relate when you are doing better, not because you’re lucky because you work for it. People don’t like being around people who do well. And it’s easy for my “friends” to say, well he makes money because he owns rental properties, and he got lucky. He’s got this and that and this. They don’t like seeing the 20hr work days, and working two jobs, or running your self down to nothing to get what you want. It’s much easier just not to have you around so they can reclaim the thrown because they drank this many beers, or got gigantic rims, or bedded this hottie from the bar. But people like you and me, I don’t need to drink that many beers, I could by rims but I’d rather not and if i did i wouldnt understand why, and that hottie they bedded is a one time thing, where as i get to go to sleep with my ex playmate wife nightly.
keep it up and don’t let them drag you down.
just my two cents.
Ryan,
your cool
I’ve theorized about this for years. When I was in high school, my post-adolescent (is that a viable term?) father took off. I worked 6 part-time jobs and graduated high school, going from a prospective farmer to God-knows-what. Like many an aimless young man, I joined the Marine Corps.
I made it through active duty with a failed marriage under my belt, then I got my BA in Education and began teaching. I’m getting married this year, we have just bought a house, and even though I had to “rent a room” from my stepfather for a while, I finally feel like the man I knew I had to be all along. Not for my sake, but for the sake of our future children and grandchildren. My father tossed away everything he worked so hard to build, and it’s up to me to replace it.
I’m not the only one who feels this way. I know, and have had several beer-and-campfire conversations with, scores of men and women who feel that they’ve been shortchanged by their parents, who set piss-poor examples of how to be grown-ups.
In 2005, I became a Mason. Both my grandfathers are dead, so It gave me a way to connect with the few surviving WWII vets I know… the few who remember the Depression. At the age of 25, I finally began to learn how to be a man. I’m not advertising for the Masons… it’s just my venue.
My hope is that with all these “emerging” adults out there, their kids might be as fed up as me and my friends, causing a “second-best generation,” if not the greatest. Time to rally. It’s why I teach.
So you have my advice, young, ambitious men with initiative. Find an 80-year-old man, do a few favors for him, and then bask in the glory of real-world experience for two or three hours a month. It’s the only way you’ll learn how to live realistically.
Joe,
Not to be critical, but isn’t living with your girlfriend emerging adulthood? A man leaves with mother and father and he and his wife become one.
I am 23 and I’m guilty of living in this sort of limbo, but I truly feel powerless about it. I truly want to become a productive member of society- to work hard, save up, and start a family- but I don’t have the means to. I can’t get a job for the life of me, not even one burger-flipping, and it’s especially difficult since the job market almost demands degrees of some form, and my parents didn’t save a dime for college. I can’t get money to get into college so I can get a job to get money; it’s a terrible loop that I’m going to need to bury myself in debt to get out of, and having seen my brother build up a debt of tens of thousands, that’s something I’m very reluctant to do.
I can speak on behalf of 20-somethings without money like me; we are in a bad situation to become independent. Parents aren’t teaching to look ahead, schools aren’t teaching practical skills, the economy is horrid, industries are demanding college education, and colleges cost more than ever. Even if you have a direction in life, getting your foot in the door is difficult, to say the least.
The 20-somethings with money who are purposefully using this time on being indulgent- those are the ones you should direct your disdain at.
Geno:
I’m assuming you’re an American, and if you’re not, that there’s a similar program where you are.
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I punted and joined the Marine Corps. Through that, I signed up for the GI Bill. It was good then, and since the Iraq War, it’s even sweeter. Before my End of Active Service date, I scratched together 600 bucks and gave it to the GI Bill, which gave me an extra 150/month on top of the 1400/month the GI Bill entitled me to. You have to do is enroll in a degree program. It pays for eight semesters, so with the right focus, you can study through with minimal difficulty and a safety net of income when tuition isn’t due.
Only the Armed Services will equip a young man with an obscene enough income to go from rags to… slightly more expensive rags. Just don’t go out and buy a $40k car with your $2k/month. The last thing you want is to get out of the service with half the income and the same bills.
If the military isn’t for you, jobs ARE there, but you have to look really hard to find them, and know how to look. After working in collections for a few years, I was out at a bar one night and the two employees were really busy. I asked for a job and worked for cash. From there, I overheard a conversation about needing extra help on a farm, so I asked if I could help. I stayed there a year while I student-taught. I also built houses some. During my time in college, I made money tutoring and editing papers for poor writers. It sounds like bouncing around, but it was damage control. I HAD to get the degree, and the jobs were just a function of that.
Go-getters have always gotten by, but you have to have the right kind of eyes for the situation. Keep ‘em peeled, and good luck to you.
I’m astonished by the childishness of many ..including my son and his friends.so i’m not using my real name here,’nor my usual email address–While i’m not opposed to anyone ‘playing’ on facebook and myspace,i see wayyyy too many people in their mid 20′s wasting their time ,still actling like high school students.some even with the behaviour patterns of middle school students//.i’m disgusted by the numbers of 20 somethings that i see posting their pot leaf pictures, and drinking binges including but not limited pictures of people smoking their doobies, pictures takne of their gay friends(merely for some kind of shock value),each obviously drunk and budweisers in hand// this typical facebook,20 something content–these are not all college kids and frat parties..these are adults as old as 26 and older./this seems to be the norm and i believe fits exactly the catagory that this artricle is focused on regarding extended adolescence// ..i’m actually concerned that thee types of 20 somethings will remain where they are simply for the reason that there’s nothing to trigger them to grow up now until it’s too late and they’ll claim to be victims of society/.
i apologise for the typos in my last post..yikes.. a slew of them!!!
Most of the classes that would teach necessary skills seem to have been eliminated in the past twenty to thirty years. The one single, solitary class of direct use to day to day life I would say, is an economics class taken in high school or college. Part of the reason I an many of my friends hated math was nobody ever bothered to tell us or teach us how it was applicable to the real world (outside of ridiculous word problems). It seems to me that at either high school or college there should be a specific economics requirement.
The longer our human lifespan, the longer kids and adolescents will wait to take on the traditional responsibilities of adulthood.
It only makes sense. Modern life has given us the luxury of taking our time in life. For most citizens of the first world, no longer must we be in the fields by 13, working full-time in a local shop at 16, married at 22 and in the thick of a career, working for the bulk of our life and then passing away at 60 or earlier.
No doubt earlier generations that grew up fast and never had time to travel or date or try out different career paths would be incredibly envious of our generation’s luck.