Second: This is an excellent article.

Okay, here’s my comment: My husband and I are moving to France in August–a move that’s been almost four years in the making. Many of our arguments (aka, my extreme lectures) about our move have been about me feeling that I’m doing all the work/my husband isn’t doing anything/”How lucky you are to just get to relax on my visa”/[fill in the blank comment I'll resent later]. My husband, ever the gentleman, ever supportive of his wife’s professional development overseas, ever loving of an occasional monster of a wife, was patient with me and carefully chose the words he’d say back to me, avoiding the tit-for-tat argument and remembering always that he loved me and, frankly, that I was temporarily crazy and, in general, wasn’t a bad gal. It wasn’t until recently, as in three-months-ago recently, that I stopped the tit-for-tat arguments. They weren’t good for our relationship and, at the end of the day, my husband is a great guy and France has been our shared pipe dream since forever–what was I doing with the tit-for-tat traps?! By stopping the tit-for-tat arguments, telling my husband (in a logical, calm way) how stressed out I was with planning (visas, etc.), and giving him responsibilities based on his strengths we are able to accomplish a lot together than I ever could alone. We’re officially moving abroad in August and we couldn’t be happier about it. This article serves as a gentle reminder to husbands (and wives!) that tit-for-tat arguments are, essentially, traps.

& thank you, single mom and GWH-
single mothers are better mothers when they are getting their needs [outside of the relationship they have with their child] met.

I have no doubt that the book is very valuable for many men. And I recommend that everyone read it, if only to develop their own attitude about the Nice Guy phenomenon. But there is a type of man out there–and I am one of them–who is committed to a deeper quest for psychological wholeness. That work can happen only beyond the limits of the ego mind (and I use that term psychologically, not as in “egotistic”). The book deals only with ego-level solutions, that is to say, through thought and action training, not through the deep psychological exploration as, say, one might find in the book Magician, Warrior, Lover, King, Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Masculine.

For those who genuinely are Mr. Nice Guys as described in the book, then by all means, work with Dr. Glover’s techniques. But don’t be too quick to judge yourself so harshly. I certainly fit many of the characteristics of the Nice Guy, but I did not act out of a “give to get” mentality. So astounded was I that Dr. Glover described much of my personality that I assumed he understood my motivations as well. My motivations are unique to me. Some I’m proud of, others, not so much. But only after a long, deeply personal, symbolic quest to understand my unconscious motivations, my dreams, my moods, and my fears, have I been able to love myself and others unconditionally. That could not have come from any book, nor from any man other than myself.

As important as Dr. Glover’s book is, I encourage every man who reads it to push back a bit against the incredibly strong urge to swallow its diagnosis with one gulp. Chew a bit on it. The taste may grow sour after awhile.

You are right when you talk about wounded people attracting wounded people. The thing is generally, people are just NOT willing to go THERE with themselves. They will go there with there spouse, kids, parents and other family members, but never with themselves. I’ve had time to reflect and I’ve gone there with myself. I REALLY screwed this up unfortunately.

Fundamentally, the biggest mistake I made was my mindset in choosing my marriage partner. We were never a team. In our marriage there was this dynamic of me vs. her. That’s how the tit for tat or “scorekeeping” starts.

The mindset of that is SO wrong. We are a TEAM. When one of us loses we both lose. When one of us wins we both win. We men sometimes need to be held accountable and we need to be able to listen and go there with ourselves if need be. What are our goals as a couple? as a family? Do you know each others business? We are a team and there is no need for secrets. If one of us screws up, the other needs to listen, love and help. We are a team and no one enjoys pointless criticism. Don’t do it.

Anyway, good article and best wishes to all. I believe I WILL find the partner of my dreams when I am ready.