Do you ever get the feeling you’re living a life you never wanted? That you’re just doing what other people think you should do?
Maybe you’re stuck in a job you hate because you thought it was something you should do. You’re not really sure who told you that you should pursue that career, but you were certain you had to do it because it was well-respected and well-paid.
Perhaps you’re in college working on a business degree. You really wanted to become a barber and own your own shop, but you thought you should go to college instead because everyone says college is essential.
Or maybe you’ve accepted a request to work as a volunteer leader at a church or a civic organization. You knew your schedule was already packed with work and family, but you felt like you should accept. Now you’re burnt out and falling behind with the responsibilities of your job and your volunteer position, not to mention neglecting your family.
If you’ve ever felt like this, then you know exactly what it means to should all over yourself. It’s not fun and it sure ain’t pretty.
Should-ing Ourselves Silly
Should-ing on one’s self comes in two forms. First, it could mean doing what you think others expect you to do, doing the “right” thing despite what your hopes, your conscience, and your gut are telling you. This first type of should-ing is rooted in a sense of guilt or in a hope of gaining approval from others. The second form of should-ing on yourself involves re-living past mistakes over and over again, saying, “I should have done this” or “I should have done that.”
I know lots of men who struggle with the first kind of should-ing (me included! more on that in a bit) and today I’ll be focusing on this part of the equation, sharing my personal story in the hopes that others can learn from my mistakes.
We’re conditioned since grade school to follow a certain pattern in order to become a mature man. You know the drill. You’re probably living it right now:
Take out massive loans and go to college —> Get a 9-5 job with a decent salary and benefits —> Get married —> Have kids —> Take on a mortgage —> Work 30 years in something you’re not terribly passionate about —>Retire, buy jogging suit, play golf, and hold up lines at the post office —> Die.
This is what most American men think they’re expected to do and for the most part they follow along. Consequently, we end up living, as Thoreau said, “lives of quiet desperation.”
Boys Do as They Should, Men Do as They Choose
When you’re a boy, your life is pretty much laid out for you. You have a bit of autonomy, but for the most part you simply do what you’re told to do. And you know what? There’s something secure and comforting about that. Doing what you should do relieves you of the burden of making your own choices and being held accountable for those choices.
Being a man means taking control of your life and being responsible for yourself. A man does as he chooses, while a boy does as he should. However, some men never make this leap; they struggle with carving out their own path in life.
So they flounder. Because they’ve never actually figured out what they really want in life, they end up picking life goals they think they should have simply because everyone around them–/society/television/family/religion–tells them they should have those goals. In short, they should on themselves.
When you do things simply to please others or gain their approval, when you act purely from a sense of guilt, you give up a bit of your personal power. And you head down a path that invariably leads to feelings of resentment, anger, and depression.
My Struggle with Should-ing on Myself
For most of my life I’ve been a people pleaser. As a boy, I loved getting the adulation of adults by following the rules and doing what I was “supposed” to do. I was the buzz-kill friend in high school who’d say, “Guys, maybe we shouldn’t be doing this,” when we were about to partake in some mostly harmless teenage hi-jinks. My friends, God bless them, put up with me, but they gave me an endearing nickname: Mama Brett.
To give you an idea how entrenched my thirst for approval was, here’s a journal entry from when I was 12 years old:
Today some friends brought some information about going paintballing. I thought it might be fun so I got some too.
My mom thought it was a bad idea to be going around shooting people. My dad thought so, too. He told me that when he trains for his job, he learns to shoot to protect people and himself. He also said shooting someone isn’t supposed to be fun, you only shoot someone if you have to.
I’m glad my parents aren’t letting me go. It shows me that they care about me and love me.
Face palm. My wife burst out laughing when she read this. What sort of 12 year old boy is happy and grateful that he can’t go paintballing?
I continued my quest for approval throughout high school. Growing up people always told me I’d be a good lawyer. Law seemed like a good career. It was prestigious, it paid really well (or so I naively thought), and I enjoyed Law and Order, so I figured why not? I’ll become a lawyer.
But ever since I was a wee lad, I’ve had a passion for teaching. I’ve always enjoyed helping people widen their personal and intellectual horizons. I love mentoring other people and helping them reach their potential. And I love the opportunities that teaching provides for me to learn new things myself. My senior year in high school I remember thinking that it would be really cool to be a high school history teacher and coach football. It felt right in my gut.
Then I went and “shoulded” all over myself.
Being a teacher wasn’t as “prestigious” and didn’t pay as well as being a lawyer. I couldn’t shake the feeling that what I should want was to fulfill the American Dream of being better off financially than my parents had been. I felt like I should want the “good life,” and to achieve it, I needed to be a high powered attorney, not some podunk high school teacher.
So I compromised. I told myself that I’d be an attorney for a decade or two, stockpile some cash, buy a house, retire, and then start a second career as a high school American history teacher who coached offensive linemen in the fall.
I went to college and got my undergrad degree in Classics and Letters because all the counselors said it was a good degree to prepare you for law school. I really enjoyed my classes. I got to discuss philosophy, literature, and history all day.
During college I took a break from school to serve a two year mission for my church in Mexico. While I was there I rediscovered my passion for teaching. It seemed life was trying to nudge me back to becoming a teacher.
When I got back from Mexico, I went back to college and proposed to Kate. She knew about my goal of becoming an attorney, and she was mildly supportive of it. One night we were having a talk about our future life together, and I told her of my dream of becoming a high school teacher and coaching football. I laid out my plan of practicing law for a few years, making lots of money, and then pursuing a teaching career.
Kate just looked at me blankly and asked: “Why are you putting off what you really want to do for twenty or thirty years?”
I hemmed and hawed. “Well, everyone has always said I’d be a good lawyer and I’d enjoy practicing law… It’s, um, prestigious… It would certainly make my parents proud…And I want to make enough money so we’re financially well off. I mean, I don’t want to buy fancy cars or have a giant house, I just don’t want to have to worry about money. I mean, shouldn’t a man want that for his family?”
Kate continued the blank stare. “Those are some really dumb reasons to pursue a career.”
That’s my wife. Always telling it like it is.
But she was right. I really had no interest in the law, nor did I know much about it as a career. I just made it a goal because I thought it was something I should do.
That night I started making a new career plan: to become a high school teacher. Kate and I were both excited and felt really good about it. Yeah, money would be tight, but with Kate teaching as well, we’d make it work. I started scheduling the classes I needed and researching the teaching certification requirements in Oklahoma.
And then it happened.
I shoulded a should load all over myself. The Should Monster paid me another visit:
“Brett, look at all your friends! They’re becoming doctors and lawyers and investment bankers. You should go for a prestigious, well paying job too!”
“Come on, Brett, you should want to take your family on nice vacations and buy them a nice house in a nice neighborhood.”
I caved. I told my wife that I was going to follow-through with my original goal of becoming an attorney. Teaching could wait. She was disappointed, but she supported my decision. I promised myself and her that if I was going to do this law thing, I would give it my all. I also promised I would try to avoid as much debt as possible to earn my JD.
For the next five years, I hustled my ass off. I graduated with my undergraduate degree a year early by taking summer school, doing classes over Christmas break, and overloading my schedule in the spring and fall semesters. In my spare time I prepped for the LSAT. I was spending close to 30 hours a week studying for that dumb test. It paid off, though. With the score I earned on the exam, combined with my GPA, I was able to get a near full ride scholarship to law school.
At the beginning of law school, I quickly learned the “shoulds” of young law students: graduate in the top 10% of your class, get on law review, and land a big firm summer clerkship that paid mega bucks. Being the consummate shoulder that I am, I made those shoulds my goals.
And I achieved them. First semester of law school, I was first in my class. My second year of law school I earned a spot on the law review. The summer between my second and third years, I landed high paying summer positions at two of the most prestigious firms in town.
Despite achieving these goals, I was miserable. But I kept on trucking.
My internships during the summer were my first real experience with the practice of law. And I quickly discovered law wasn’t for me. 60-70 hour work weeks. Billable hours. Work that didn’t interest me. However, I feigned excitement so I could convince the hiring partners to bring me on full-time because I thought I should want to work at a big firm. I explored government work and small law thinking maybe it was just the big law firm atmosphere I didn’t enjoy. But I got the same results. It was official: I had no interest in the law. Sure, I was good at law, but it just bored me to death.
My third year of law school I decided that I was going to do everything I could not to practice law. I would try to find another career that would put my law degree to use, pay off my debt, and cut my losses. It was then that I had a moment of agnorasis. I realized I had spent the past three years of my life working for something I didn’t really want simply because I thought “they” (whoever they are) said I should want it.
Let me tell you–it’s a sucky feeling to realize your unhappiness stems from the fact that you tried to conform your life to someone else’s expectations rather than following your own inner compass. I was angry at myself for not having the spine to go after what I really wanted. I felt guilty for having made Kate a law school widow for three years without a definitive purpose.
During law school, I started blogging as a creative and mental release. What was interesting was that my articles naturally gravitated towards content geared towards helping people. Blogging provided me a chance to learn new things and then share what I learned with others. Basically, blogging let me be a teacher in a less traditional mold.
My first blog was called The Frugal Law Student. I started it in 2006 and had some mild success with it. Then in 2008, my second year of law school, I started The Art of Manliness. (If you want to see why I started the site, read the about page). In just a few short months it was receiving large amounts of traffic, getting great publicity, and growing a small, but passionate community. I was spending around 20 hours a week on The Art of Manliness back then, with even more hours spent on writing our first book. This was on top of law classes, law review, and a part-time job. But I didn’t care. I loved working on the site.
By the time I graduated in 2009, The Art of Manliness was enough of a success that doing it full-time was a viable option. I was now putting at least 40 hours a week into the blog and so was Kate, who I had brought on to help me share a work load that had become far too big for one person. We would be barely scraping by, but would have enough money for a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. And most importantly, I’d be working in my vocation. I’d be happy with my work. So I decided to throw myself into building up AoM.
And then I dropped a big should on myself. Enter stage left–the Should Monster:
“Brett, you really should put that law degree to use. It’d be a waste of three years if you didn’t.”
“You should take the bar exam even though you don’t want to practice. You know. Just in case.”
“You should get a “real” job. You can’t be a blogger for a living. That’s just silly.”
“Health insurance! You’re going to start a family soon. You should get a job that has good health insurance!”
And once again, I caved.
In June 2009 I started applying for a position with a legal publishing company that I worked for as a law student. The position was actually a really sweet gig. It paid an awesome salary, it involved teaching, and my hours were flexible. Still, I knew it would be tricky. Complicating things was the fact that Kate was pregnant. Could we both work on the blog and take care of the baby while I worked a second job? But I convinced myself that I could do it all. I justified the choice by telling myself that blogging wasn’t a “real job” and that I needed a back-up plan…but really I was once again just doing what I thought I should be doing.
I got turned down every time I applied for the corporate gig for about a year, and in the meantime I kept plugging away at AoM. We even published a book during that time. Our income from the site was starting to provide us a comfortable living, but it still felt like a hobby despite the fact I was working on it full-time, seven days a week. So I kept applying for that legal publishing position.
I finally landed a job here in Tulsa. I was pumped. I had achieved another goal I had set for myself. I had a “real” job. This the spring of 2010. By this time, AoM was growing faster than ever and keeping me increasingly busy. New opportunities were showing up. We got a second a book deal. I was getting some speaking gigs. Everything was awesome.
But then Gus arrived. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, and comforting a crying newborn was a lot more work than I thought it was going to be. I kept soldiering on, but I was hitting a wall–physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was working 40 hours a week at my day job and putting in another 40 with the Art of Manliness. There was no way I could keep this up for very much longer. After five years of putting in 70-80 hour work weeks my body and mind had had enough.
Things came to a head over the winter break. I realized that I couldn’t do both things well. I had to decide: keep going with the respectable, well-paying corporate gig or take a risk with something that I was really passionate about, doing what I actually wanted to do. It was a choice between should-ing and choosing.
After 28 years of doing what I thought I should do, I finally decided to follow my heart and my inner compass.
But it was still a tough choice. I don’t like to quit things because a man shouldn’t quit things he starts. I also felt guilty for leaving my boss after only 7 months on the job. The man is an amazing manager, and I learned a lot while working for him, so leaving was hard. It took me three weeks to work up the nerve to tell him the news. I kept vacillating between should-ing and choosing. But I stuck with my choice. My boss was completely magnanimous. He congratulated me and wished me well and was genuinely excited for me.
My last day with my corporate job was this past week. I’m now devoting myself 100% to The Art of Manliness, and I’ve never been happier. It feels good to do what you want and not just what you think you should.
Stop Should-ing on Yourself
Learning to stop doing things out of guilt or the need for approval was a long, hard process for me. And it’s still ongoing. But here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
Find out what you want really want. If you’ve never sat down to figure out what you want out of life, do it today. If you’re a young man just embarking on life’s journey, do some soul searching to see if you’re in the right career or major. Ask yourself “Am I doing this because I want to or am I doing this because I think I should?”
If you’re a man who’s years into his career or life choices, and you feel like you’re not living the life you want, figure out what you’d like your life to be and start hatching plans to make it a reality. It might be hard to navigate family obligations and your dreams, but it’s possible.
Just say no. Start saying “no” to requests of your time and energy. I think most men who should on themselves automatically say yes to most requests because they want approval from everyone around them or they operate out of guilt. Don’t fall into that trap. You don’t have to be a jerk when you say no. Just politely and firmly say, “No thanks!” and walk away.
Replace “I should” with “I choose.” You’re a man. A man does what he chooses, a boy does what he should. Instead of saying “I should,” say “I choose.” “I choose to go to college.” “I choose not to volunteer this weekend at the company BBQ.” It’s amazing how much more powerful and in control of your life you’ll feel when you start choosing instead of should-ing.
Balancing Responsibility with Your Personal Autonomy
Now let me be clear. I’m not suggesting you become a selfish jagweed in your quest to quit should-ing on yourself. Sometimes doing what you should means doing the honorable thing. We all have duties and responsibilities we have to fulfill even when we don’t feel like it. It will take some judgment and wisdom on your part to balance doing what you should and doing what you choose.
For example, you really should be faithful to your wife. That’s a no brainer. But should you stay at a corporate job you hate out of guilt that they need you even though you have a better opportunity somewhere else? A corporation that wouldn’t bat an eye before downsizing you? Probably not.
The difference between mere “shoulds” and real responsibilities is sometimes easy to discern and sometimes very difficult. It’s something we get better at as we mature, consult with trusted friends and family, and learn to become attuned and responsive to our own inner compass.
Alright, what do you guys think? Have you had a problem with should-ing on yourself? Any suggestions for men who do?
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An important and well written article. Thank you.
Great post, and great story.
Love it. I also reached the conclusion over my winter break, to leave my current job. It’s my first post college 9-5 job with all the great respect, prestige, and pay….but bores me to death. I’m now in the what now stage, and the AOM has been great advice.
Thanks
Great article. I am a college student that struggles with “shoulding.” I’m a nutrition major, nutrition majors “should” do a year-long dietetics internship (read: unpaid, more tuition) and then take a licensure exam. Without an RD after my name, I would have to be creative with my career because there aren’t many careers for non-registered nutritionists that command any sort of salary. Thing is, I don’t agree with many beliefs held by the ADA. Also, jobs in hospitals or for government agencies are so rigid with protocol and regulations; I don’t see myself enjoying them.
First off, great article. Many people (men as well as women) go through this “should” state in life. Some, like you, manage to dig their way out and do what they really want to do. I always tell my students that the two hardest things to do in life are: One – to find out what you’re really good at and love to do. And two – to get paid to do it. Some, like my dad, find out early in life and enjoy their lives doing what they love. Others never find it. When I was at a crossroads in my life as to what to do with my life, my wife, mom and brother said to me ” you love martial arts and you love teaching, why not do both?” and so I did. I’ve been a martial arts instructor for 10 years now and I love my job. It takes a lot of courage to step out of the “shoulds” and follow your dreams and passion. I commend you on having the courage to follow your passion. And never doubt for a momnet that you are making a difference in peoples lives with this website. It makes a big inpact in people, men and women alike.
Fine words indeed. Best of luck with the blog and your life in the future Brett.
This article comes at a perfect time for me. At the moment I’m taking the semester off from University to go travel the world for a few months, and unfortunately my travel partners have abandoned our plan because of things they feel they SHOULD do, like buckle down for the next 5-6 years, get a steady job and THEN make holiday time, which is essentially what they’ve told me. Now that I’m here without a plan, I’m constantly being told that I really ought to get THAT CAREER going as well, whatever career that is. This article was just the nudge I needed to convince me to go with my gut and continue with my soul-searching travel plan. I’m very glad to hear of your personal triumph over the ever-present Should, best of luck Brett, sounds like you’ve made the right choice!
Cogent and hitting close to home. Thanks for your thoughts.
Great article and advice. I recently left my “should” job of Senior Editor at a national TV network. I’m now scraping by opening up my own production and post production company! I’m scared, and excited, but I’m doing what I choose to do for the first time in a long time, and it feels phenomenal! Thanks for the encouragement; and by the way, if you need any help with video or motion graphics, or anything of that nature, I’d be happpy to help.
Great Post!
Good to hear you’re working on AoM full time.
It can be real hard to do what you want sometimes, esp when there’s so many shoulds around you, so tremendous respect goes to you.
What’s the next step for AoM I wonder…
Great post and congratulations for the decision!
This article really spoke to me as I’m in the midst of making some big life changes. I was looking for a job in urban planning because that’s what my degrees were in and I felt like I should use them, even though I realized I wasn’t enjoying the field and was never that interested in what they taught in school. I just did it because I thought I should do something related to art and development which I was interested in since being a kid. But it wasn’t the right field for me. So I up and quit it. I dawdled for awhile before making some conscious choices of what I WANTED to do. I want to be my own boss, choose how much money I make and have the freedom to pursue other hobbies. I left my nowhere job, packed up and currently am in Thailand doing muay Thai while finding myself.
People told me I SHOULD get my career in line and I SHOULD save my finances. But I’ve planned this well and when I return I will be working full time as a realtor (where the amount I make is based off how much I hustle, I was doing this part time in 2010) while starting some side businesses in my interests. My dream is to help design and build large developments, to have a say in the artistic approach of building design. I may have to get a degree in architecture, but I’m going to focus on getting started with experience first and see if I can do this myself. Thanks for the article, Brett!
P.S. I’m reading lots of books here, some recommended by this site. Just finished the Rise of Theodore Roosevelt. A hefty read, but so inspiring!
To everyone who doesn’t do what they love Lee Iaccoca said something like if you don’t love it, get out of it you’ll be terrible at it. It will also effect everyone you know. Your family and friends will have to put up with your misery too.
I feel your pain Brett. A little anyway. I took an introductory manufacturing course because I didn’t have the confidence to tell people I want to be a naturopathic doctor. A nature what they say? I have wasted several years I can’t get back, and have worked at mind numbing jobs during that time. Almost nothing animates, or excites me
natural medicine.
Brett, I thought you deserved an award when I found out you were running AoM instead of practicing law. America is too litigious. You can use the best aspects of your law education– researching manliness, and making the world a little better in turn. Seriously your doing more good with AoM than you ever would have with corporate law.
Besides David O. McKay said teaching is the noblest profession. Some might think he was biased since he was a teacher, but I agree.
You also might want to read, Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome by James L. Wilson, N.D.,D.C., Ph.D.
Check out mercola.com and westonaprice.org, maybe you don’t have adrenal exhaustion, but you could get it if you keep working excessively. Not just at you job, but in other areas too. Doing what you love won’t wear you out as quickly as boring work.
“Find a calling you love and you will never work a day in your life.” –Confucius
@Dave. You might want to look into Naturopathic medical schools or Chiropractic schools. The Association of Accredited Naturopathic Medical Colleges (aanmc.org) has some good information. Especially if you realize how far off the ADA is.
I have a friend who is a second year ND student, and he says it’s gross (anatomy), but is might not be as gross as MD school.
Still expensive, but you could make more money than a nutritionist.
Man this article was like the voice of God to me this morning! I am getting ready to make some decisions (this week) that will change the course of my life and career path. I have always been a person who follows his gut, but recently I find myself in a rut (that rhymes with gut) and I feel miserable. So I made the chose to take the bull by the horns and make some changes. Thanks for your timely words.
God Bless
John+
Thanks for that article.
Like a lot of others i hopped on the should train a few years back and wasted a lot of time trying to get my college career started. Because without college you are not going to get paid well, right? At least thats what i thought back then. 2-3 years later, after switching academic training twice i realised it wasn’t really the topics of the education i didn’t like, it was the way it was teached.
Now i am studying pretty much the same i was before but on different terms and i love it. When you struggle to find your real calling for years life gets pretty colorless, but on the way to happiness you add colors every day again.
@ andy: i was thinking about going to thailand too to do some muay thai training and soul searching – holiday. Can you recommend a place?
This is such a great article that every man AND woman should take to heart.
It couldn’t have come at a better time either since I stopped should-ing myself as well this morning, and quit the corporate job that’s been making me miserable for the past year, and the accounting course that I was told I “should” take to go into a field that will pay big bucks, even though I have no interest in it whatsoever.
Here’s to CHOOSING our destiny.
Much love and appreciation.
Really great!
That’s a big example of a brave attitude!!!
Thank you for share this with the rest of the world. Making it a better place to live!
I’m going through this exact situation now, after a terrible year losing a career which I wasn’t very happy with, anyhow. It was something I thought I “should” do and it ended up getting in the way of what I really wanted. During this past year, mostly spent unemployed, I’ve spent my spare time doing what I enjoy, which is both writing itself and writing music, because I didn’t have anything better to do, frankly. Somehow, I kept getting doors slammed in my face and I’d always end up burying myself in my guitar or documenting my miseries in a journal. I never had time for it before and now, thanks to a year of nothing but time to myself, I suddenly have a chance to get paid to do some writing, as well as plans in motion for my musical aspirations. No, the writing gig doesn’t exactly pay very much, but it’s a start and it’s one of two things I enjoy that don’t really feel like “work” to me. I could do both of these all day! It’s as though by slamming all those doors in my face, someone was saying to me, “NO! You’re wasting your time knocking on those doors. THIS is what you enjoy. It’s now or never! Don’t you get it yet? How many more jobs do you need to lose?” Well, now I DO get it and one by one, the ducks are all lining up. It’s funny to have run across this topic and the concept of ANAGNORISIS in an “article”, much like the ones I’ll be paid to write. Life is a really funny thing, sometimes…
I do agree with the article but there is nothing wrong with pursuing career goals. Right now I’m trying to to decide to keep in entertainment and media or to go do a PhD program. The difficulty is that everyone wants me to do the degree but I really want to hurry up and get my fashion line going and keeping going with my reasonably successful company with my friends that I actually like doing for a change. I’ve spent my whole life getting a degree in and working in a field that I hate (political science) and taking the academic path because I can do it not because I want to. I feel like I’m finally choosing what I want to do but there is a lack of support. Rarely do people support what you actually want to do.
This article couldn’t have come at a better time. Well, actually that’s debatable. If I’d seen it a year ago, maybe I would’ve been too in the dumps to give it much attention. Now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, this article has given me the much needed “boost” I need to see it through. Incidently, I just got approved for the writing gig I mentioned above this morning, in an email. So to log onto Facebook right now and trip across the post with this very article on it today, of all days, was just what I needed.
Much thanks are in order for a truly life-changing article that needed to be read by many of us. Thanks for sharing your experience with us, Brett! I don’t think I’ll ever forget reading this today.
Hi Brett – congratulations on taking the step off the congested freeway of should onto the road less travelled of could. I try to live by the maxim “Ask not what the world needs, ask what makes your heart come alive. Go and do that, for what the world needs is more people who have come alive”. It has cost me, but it is the only way you will really live. Am excited for you about where the intesified focus and energy will take AOM.
Approximately seven years ago I realized how ‘shoulds’ are engrained in our lives.
Physically – How we ‘should’ look and dress.
Mentally – How and what we ‘should’ think (influenced by family, friends and culture).
Emotionally – How we ‘should’ feel and how we ‘should’ express our feelings.
Vocationally – The work we ‘should’ do. Even how much we ‘should’ be working. (Anyone ever wonder about a mandatory 40 hour week?)
Relationally – The types of friends we ‘should’ spend time with.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Seven years ago my wife and I agreed to do our best to eliminate the word ‘should’ from our relationship.
Depending on the situation, ‘should’ can be replaced with:
- I think you’d enjoy…
- I think it would be good for you…
- I think it would be helpful to…
- I think [insert person's name here] would appreciate it if you…
- I would like it if you…
- Could you…
- Would you help me….
The goal, as I see it, is to take more and more responsibility for the choices I make in life and to make them as consciously as possible.
I read the following quote from Seneca’s moral essays just this weekend and it is certainly applicable here:
Why do we complain of Nature? She has shown herself kindly; life, if you know how to use it, is long. But one man is possessed by greed that is insatiable, another by a toilsome devotion to tasks that are useless; one man is besotted with wine, another is paralyzed by sloth; one man is exhausted by an ambition that always hangs upon the decision of others, another, driven on by the greed of the trader, is led over all lands and all seas by the hope of gain; some are tormented by a passion for war and are always either bent upon inflicting danger upon others or concerned about their own; some there are who are worn out by voluntary servitude in a thankless attendance upon the great; many are kept busy either in the pursuit of other men’s fortune or in complaining of their own; many, following no fixed aim, shifting and inconstant and dissatisfied, are plunged by their fickleness into plans that are ever new; some have no fixed principle by which to direct their course, but Fate takes them unawares while they loll and yawn—so surely does it happen that I cannot doubt the truth of that utterance which the greatest of poets delivered with all the seeming of an oracle: “The part of life we really live is small.” For all the rest of existence is not life, but merely time.
- Seneca (Roman Philosopher)
Great post Brett!! And even more important a great decision, sadly I spent many many years off Mission. It is a huge life transition to move from being off Mission to being On Mission. I have both built a successful business and lost another and been faced squarely with the fact that you Must do what you love IF you are going to find happiness and success. The very best to you and yours Brett and huge congrats on your decision. I have loved your blog for a long time now.
Wayne
Generally I’ve always chosen throughout life. There have been costs: being labelled ‘antisocial’, ‘nerd’, ‘strange’ and even having my sexuality questioned simply for not dressing like everyone else or going to al my acquaintances’ social functions. But the cost is tiny compared tongue freedom gained from being who you truly want to be. You will meet good people who respect your authenticity though.
However, I have at times been shouded. I shouded myself into dating and getting a girlfriend when I knew I wasn’t interested in the girl enough and too busy with other commitments to devote time and energy to the relationship. My failure to choose caused some heartbreak which I regret and I endevour now to choose a relationship when I know the timing is appropriate.
Thank you Brett!
This is great timing, a real booster. I find that I can continue in WHATEVER path I CHOOSE. Sure I may not always see the traditional rewards, but I was never really interested in the Traditional Rewards.
Don’t fall into the Shoulda-Couldas!
This post is brilliant. I’ve been shoulding on myself for the last 22 years. Just a month ago I decided that’s enough. I took the first step and resigned from my job! Although things are getting tight, it is so good to know I chose to do that and am not should on myself for the sake of everyone else! Welldone Brett!
Um.. ok. .odd side note. what is agnorasis ? Tried to look it up on the Dictionary site and it had no finds in it’s search.
Otherwise.. I had no idea that amount of time you two have put into this site. I find myself reading this constantly. I think my best friend is starting to think I am obsessed.
Good Guidance , Council , however , comes from Experience.. I am glad you shared Yours.
Good story and good for you.
Two things:
1: It’s anagnorisis, not agnorasis. Sorry to be the spelling guy!
2: At my school there were actually several teachers who had worked prestigious well-paying jobs for years before pursuing their dream of becoming a teacher. They were always the best teachers and they were also the ones who seemed happiest in their jobs. Well-paying job -> teacher seems a better way to go than just jumping into teaching straight away.
Right on, brother. I’ve been playing the corporate journalism game for 15 years and am just about fed up with it. Being a cubicle-dwelling, on-deadline drone has just about cost me my marriage and health, not to mention the many missed holidays, disfunctional work relationships, and so on. I’ve decided to beging moving toward what I always wanted to do … write my own stories instead of teling others to suit some jaundiced producer, editor, etc. Thanks for posting this! You have put some steel in my iron resolve!
Brett, I am very glad you have decided to follow your passion. AoM has been an inspiration in my life and I hope to see it grow and flourish to help an even wider range of men out there looking for the lost art. There are great things in your future. God bless.
That was truly inspiring. I had similar luck with my undergraduate aspirations to enter higher education administration. I wish I had someone there to allow me to make sense of my passions.
Following the seeds planted in you seem to always lead to success and happiness! (two thumbs up)
Inspiring post. Totally agree with you, society/family has been molding us into this ‘should’ culture. I think the value of a man is when he stands up and do something that’s meaningful for him.
Again, thank you for the inspiring post. :)
Thanks for sharing your story! A great encouragement to stop shoulding and start living.
First off, thanks for posting. A great piece, matched with a memorable story. When I got married, the should-ing stopped. Not that I had a major problem with it prior to marriage, but I definitely think being married has empowered me to make more choices and less shoulds.
Brett,
Congratulations on pursuing what you’re passionate about!
Every time there’s a new post in A Man’s Life, it really kicks me in the butt, gets me to take a step back and look at my own life more objectively. I can honestly say that AoM has played a huge part in making me a better man over the last few years.
So, kudos, thank you, and keep it up!!
Super great post!
I’m a Swedish guy in the University, studying a course in political science.
I took the course because I had been without a job for almost 5 months and I had some trouble with finding motivation for almost anything in my life. Well, I still do hence why I am not sure if I really want to do this course.
Mostly I took it because it was a fun subject in earlier school and because I should not just sit at home being bored. To be honest I still do, but that’s because I lack some social life with friends etc.
I’m not really a study guy either, I just feel this pressure that I should do this because you can’t be at home all alone all day.
I don’t know, it’s my answer to every question.
I’m in a situation where I don’t trust myself or know what to do both now or later. Things are just so confusing, should I try talk with someone at the University? Could that help me anything?
Awesome post man. And it’s more extraordinary just because I’m right in that phase myself. I digged my soul and mind with a shovel for some months now and I discovered that medicine isn’t for me. Just last week I took a decision – to quit. I commited to it for a week but then I decided to continue. I, too, would continue working on my passions – helping people psychologically, sports, nutrition – while just finishing college for ‘diploma’ and social reasons.
The big difference here is that I choose to do that. So, even if nothing really changed, my mindset drastically changed and I was able to see what I really want to do with my life and why I’m doing all of this – college, medicine, my true passions, etcetera.
Congrats, man! I’m really happy for you. You’re a great example and an inspiration. You’ve taken the next step towards living a free life and towards being a real man.
Brett,
Impressive, inspiring, and vulnerable. I enjoy your willingness to put into words what many of us think and feel but either do not know how to put into words or are to concerned about what others would think, so we don’t articluate it or even admit it.
I have followed your blog for a long time and I look forward to how this decision plays out both professionally and personally.
Great article!
I’ll agree with the earlier posts regarding teachers that have had other jobs first, vs. the ones that jump into it straight away. the ones that come out of college and right into teaching, get into the rut of whining about their pay (sorry, guys – you knew what you were getting into), rather than being passionate about teaching.
The “retired” professionals that turn to teaching later in life, always have both a better attitude and mroe experiences to share with students.
A great post and a great decision. I grew up with a dominating father figure in the family who meant well, but really wanted to run everything. Consequently, whenever I hear the word “should” flags pop up in my brain and I almost instinctively want to do the opposite. Good luck!
A very courageous and honest story that will hit home for a lot of men. Thank you.
I’m not a man, but I wanna say that women have this problem too, and your advice works just as well for us. Thank you very much! I can say, for myself, that I’ve gone the other way: by focusing so much on trying not to do what others say I should (in terms of career and vocation, I mean), I never really sat down and thought about what I really want to do. Being a stay-home wife & mom is giving me that opportunity now, and I’m grateful for it. I’m also glad that looking back, I see I have been given the tools to be able to do it. Just have to hone myself now for when the call comes.
I hope I’m being as supportive of my husband as Kate has been, and still is of you. I see how my husband is caught between “should” and “choose.” I know what he wants to be, what he is truly gifted to be, but we have both pursued it and felt exploited. Yes, we were provided for, but I saw it eating him, making him feel he wasn’t being responsible in taking care of his family (regardless of how I say he doesn’t, because he really didn’t neglect us at all!). I am glad that he is having fun in his job now, but I still sense his longing for what he really wants to do. And I don’t know how to help him get there other than pray, because he rejected the idea that I work so he can go after it…*sigh*
Great article, Brett. I commend you for being completely open with, quite literaly, the world.
I write with great happiness for you; having attended law school together, and knowing the accompanying back-story, it was clear to me that your passion was AoM at an early stage. Nothing wrong with that, even if others did not understand. My personal regret is that I was one of the voices saying “you should take the bar exam; why waste three years of law school?”
You (and others) shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for past “shoulds.” I firmly believe that those life experiences, aka “shoulds,” prepped you for your current role. Without traversing law school and accompanying rites of passage, would you ever have had your moment of agnorasis? Perhaps the “shoulds” were merely a chapter in your life journey that enabled your success today.
My heartiest congratulations, Brett. I am so happy for you.
Brett,
Thankfully I stumbled on to your blog and love to read your articles on Art of Manliness. I am nearing my 50th. B-Day and am lucky enough to choose what I like. Thank you for this wonderful blog.
Michael
This is such a timely article! I am a 20 year-old going on 21. I am currently waiting to start college in August and in the meantime, find a holiday job. As with any job, I am stuck between finding one that pays decently for someone with my qualifications or opt for something related with me interest in writing and theatre (stuff that never pays well).
In the end, I decided to stick to what I believe in and had a rather bad time going through applications after applications to various jobs that were related to my interests. As of now, I have not landed a job after 3 months of job searching but I managed to secure an interview in the middle of Feb.. So fingers crossed!!
Incidently, I wrote about my experience in my blog just a few hours before this article came out! A big thank you to Brett for this encouraging article!
The blog entry can be found here:
http://pre-lude.blogspot.com/2011/01/job-search-dilemma.html
Keep up the good job!
Isaac
Singapore
I do know this feeling. I think we have to evaluate what our impediments are. For example, if we get the corporate job and then buy a lifestyle that we need that job to support (e.g. mortgage payments, car payments), it becomes more difficult to abandon it to pursue the lifestyle we truly want (especially when the house prices dropped).
I would recommend to anybody to hold off on buying a house for a few years after college to ensure that you want that lifestyle. If you decide that the job/income is right for you, then you can go and start living that lifestyle by buying a house/condo, income-based-car, etc.
Enjoyed the post Brett. Best of luck to you and AOM.
When we take the time to stop and look around at where we are in our lives and can’t remember how we got here or can’t recall having any say in the direction we’ve gone, we’ve been “shoulded”.
@Brett – Congratulations on choosing to drop the career you “should” have and moving into a career you love. It’s a very liberating feeling to be able to devote yourself full-time to something that you’re passionate about. Your goal here at AoM is a very noble one, and I admire the courage it has taken you to choose to step out of the mold and do something different. One day I’m going to drive out to Tulsa and buy you a steak!
~Nathan~
Awesome and timely article for me. I’m stuck between what I want to do and what I should do myself. It comes down to there not being enough hours in the day for me. I’m in grad school part time while working a full time job. I know I “should” keep going with school, and it’s not that I dislike it or it isn’t valulable, but there are other things I would rather be doing sometimes. There are other things I would like to study on my own, and there’s a blog I was thinking of starting.
I think I’ll start doing some research on starting my blog, get ready to hit it hard when the semester is over. Inspiring post Bret.
Brilliant post Brett and Kate!
I’ve certainly been a victim of ‘shoulding’ all over myself. I was a people pleaser, and because of that I figured that if i got my phD in psychology, everyone would finally be off my case about never finishing anything. I was president of the psychology society, had done internships with every prestigious professor and somehow managed to have graduate advisors arguing over who would get to work with me. Everyone was so proud, but I was completely miserable. I had sacrificed my health, my friends, my family, and i never did any of the things i loved anymore. The year before i graduated I decided that this was no way to live. There would never be a moment where i would be ‘less busy’, where things would calm down. I had to either deal with the reality that if i continued on this path, I would have to always sacrifice, or i would have to let everyone down and just do what i loved. I am so happy that i chose the latter option. It feels more right than anything i’ve ever done. The best part though is the satisfaction i felt from making my OWN decision about something and then living with that decision. It is so much more satisfying than having someone else set the bar for you. Who’s to say that someone else’s expectations of you are any more valid than your own?
I feel that us as a community have an obligation to one another to help each other in any way we can; spread the love, share the wealth and offer wisdom. In my search for my dream life, I’ve found a few very helpful bits of information:
#1: Steve Job’s speech at Stanford University’s commencement about how he started Apple Inc.- He says it’s all about connecting the dots, finding those things you love to do and putting them all together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc
#2: Book: Career Renegade- How to make a great living doing what you love. By Jonathan Fields
This book is full of resources as well as wonderful advice on ways to generate income from the things you are passionate about. It gives you ideas for a number of different paths you can take, based on what your passions are.
#3-Book: Now, Discover your strengths by Buckingham and Clifton. Their message is simple. When people use their strengths, they are more productive and satisfied than when they are using precious hours doing damage control on their weaknesses. The logic is: when you’re good at something, it’s because you’ve spent tonnes of time doing that particular something. And you spent so much time on it, because you enjoyed it. These become your talents , and when you find out what those talents are and put them to work, you will be unstoppable! This book also includes a code for an online test they developed that will analyze what your greatest strengths are, and we’re not just talking ‘ great people skills or organization’. These skills are much more in-depth and intricate.
Check them out and let me know if it helps!
Be unstoppable, gentlemen!
Congratulations, I envy and am inspired by you. And never forget about the people we all associate with success, Gates, Dell, Branson, Sinatra, and many more, they all at one point made a similar decision, to drop out of college for some stupid computer thing, to drop out of high school to sing for cigarettes, all because they wanted to. Who Knows…
Thank you, Brett, for another inspired article.
Just yesterday I was thinking on this subject, and how I’ve been hampering my life with too many “Shoulds” and not enough consideration to what I really want. I was even searching the web for articles on the subject, hoping to find some spiritual guidance on the subject.
Yet, only a day later, up pops this article. Sometimes life preps you with the questions in anticipation of upcoming answers.
What perfect timing for another perfect article. Thank you Brett! This took a very personal spin, but being able to see your own hesitations and the series of emotions you went through, helped me to equate it to my own life. At this very moment I find myself stuck in the same situation between should-ing and choosing. The only problem is, I’m not sure which is which.
On another note, I do hope you are confident in your choosing, because what would our world be without AoM! Your lessons and tidbits are insightful and invaluable. You’re doing more than teaching history to students who could give a damn. You’re reaching out to the whole world!
I must re-read this one again, maybe a few times! I must find my choosing in one months time! Wish me luck! Cheers to being faithful to your wife!
Bret,
Your journey is an inspiration to many struggling to find out what it means to be a MAN, not just a male human.
Many years ago, I asked a life-changing pair of questions to a Master Sergeant that I knew and respected. The first was “What would you say the most important thing to have in your life is?”
His answer was immediate: “Discipline.”
So, of course I asked him “What does ‘discipline’ mean?” I knew I’d learned it during Boot Camp, but I’d never really been able to put a finger on a true definition.
The answer he gave is *still* profound, 16 years later. “Discipline is doing the right thing at the right time, whether you want to do it or not.”
Thanks, MSgt Brenneke. And thanks, Brett for sharing with us as we also walk down our roads!
Brett,
This may be one of the most important and eye opening articles you have posted or that has been posted on your site. This cuts to the core in all men, to the men who can be honest with themselves and to the ones who mislead themselves daily. The fear that comes with making this leap of faith is not to be taken lightly and is highly admirable and extremely manly. All the best.
Wonderful post, Brett!!
Thanks for the great article! As several have noted, it is good for both women and men. I wish this would have been available as I was taking sociology courses, as it would have been a great article for discussion.
I recently quit a job with good pay and benefits, instead taking one with significantly less pay (partially due to reduced hours). It was an extremely difficult decision to make, but it was also very easy to make. I worried about having enough money (as my husband doesn’t work), but my husband I talked it out, and decided it would be the best choice. At times, I regret the lost income, but I am much happier, and I have had more time to spend with my family and pursue other interests. I guess my main point is that throwing off the shackles of shoulding can be very freeing, but sometimes there is a difficult cost involved, too.
Outstanding article.
I am 47, and it really spoke to me. Nothing as dramatic as quitting my job. But every day things. How I choose to spend time. What activities I do.
I am taking “should” out of my vocabulary.
Great article. I am presently looking for work after 30 years in a sales career. I am shoulding myself to get back into sales but it just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I got into sales as my father needed a sales person at his company and I needed a job. Made a bunch of money in my career but was rarely happy, let things bother me that shouldn’t have.
Great article, deserves to be bookmarked!
Brett,
Awesome post! I particulary love the descriptions of your wife’s responses to your reasons for practicing law. I totally see myself saying the exact same things. :)
Congratulations on choosing what you love, and thank you for the inspiration from one should-er to another. :)
Thanks for everything you do! This article was fantastic and written from the heart. I really enjoyed it. Again, thank you!
Brett,
Great read! This speaks volumes to me and (obviously) many others. It is a tough rut to get out of – status, money, expectations, etc. but, one all men need to exit. Whether it is getting out of an exsisting job and moving on, or just simply having a new mindset and attitude about your present situation, every man SHOULD have control over their own lives and decisions.
Writing has recently been my new “freedom” while I sit at a job I am not too happy about. But, as my writing improves and my blog gains traffic, I can, some day soon, make the transition into my freedom.
I love reading all of the interesting personal stories of those who have left comments. Those too are incredibly inspiring!
Again, great post and looking forward for more to come.
-Brad
You’d be in my shoes if you hadn’t made the choice you’ve just made. I’m a 41 year old underwriting attorney for a title insurance company. The pay is good and I only work 40 hours per week, but I feel like those 40 hours are wasted because the work is so unfulfilling. I shoulded my way right here. I’ve shouded for so long I’ve forgotten how to choose.
Time for some soul searching.
Hey Brett
I have to thank you for writing up this post. I’ve been contemplating that same thought for months now and have gotten nowhere. Here’s my story:
Like you, I had a legion of people telling me I should go to college and become a doctor or a professor. Unfortunately there were nearly equal numbers of people calling for me to become one or the other.
So I took all the pre-med junk AND all of the grad school prep junk. I ended up taking seven classes a semester, along with classes over the Christmas and summer vacations. When it came time to start applying and graduating, I didn’t end up choosing so much as there was a preponderance of people who felt that physicians led the superior life.
Here’s where it gets rough: medical school applications take a long time and cost a lot of money. I was given bad advice and sadly I took it – I joined a PhD program while I was waiting to hear the results of my medical applications. The logic was: I would have a stipend and enhance my education (studying topics I couldn’t care less about) and then leave when I got into a medical school.
Sadly now the joke is on me. No medical school will take me because I matriculated into a PhD program. So I left the program and got a Master’s instead – studying the same junk as before. I applied to medical school again – I received another round of rejections. This time the reason being “you left a PhD program… what’s to say you won’t leave us? You can’t commit to things…”
It’s a long story but hopefully the point is clear: letting other people give you advice is fine, but betraying what you truly want/feel in favor of what another person tells you is best will only lead to trouble. I’ve spent years being at the top of my classes, with no clue what I want from my life. Now I can’t even get a job at a bookstore. Today my plan is to start a journal and continue job hunting. I’ll use the journal as a compass to decipher what I really desire. It’s great to make yourself and others happy or proud, but always consider if it’s worth the opportunity cost.
This is a great article…it really spoke to me.. i hope that everything works out for you.
Then how do you figure out what you want to do if you’ve only done what you should’ve?
Another outstanding post. I have to commend you on what I think is remarkable courage to write what you did. It couldn’t have been easy to state that you put your dreams aside to make what looked like the “right” decision.
As I sit in my cube today and continue to perform work that has absolutely no connection to who I am, I feel a twinge of jealousy and remorse. But I feel great happiness for you that you are “living the dream”.
This post gives all of us older guys hope that it’s never too late to do what you want. Thanks again for the personal details you provide here, and for AoM’s superior content. We’re all glad you made this decision.
Excellent and timely post!
I found myself in a similar predicament, though not by choice. Downsized from an engineering company where I was for 19 years, in a career I followed more than 25 years. Since my work is heavily tied into construction and housing, the outlook in that field didn’t look that promising. But I pressed on, sending out dozens of resumes to e-mail addresses that never responded.
I got plenty of advice from people, saying I “should” accept any crappy offer that came along, or I “should” go back to school to go into teaching. In my case, I know I’m not cut out to be a teacher, so despite the claims of good pay and benefits and a secure, in demand position, I wasn’t “should-ed” in that direction. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that while I loved the actual engineering part of my job, I hated the piles of regulations constantly thrown at us, I hated the politics we had to deal with on even the smallest projects, and I hated the clients bitching at us for the regulations and the politics and the resulting higher bills we had to pass on to them. I wasn’t missing any of that.
I began looking into going into business for myself through franchising. I finally decided on a business that’s a total 180 from what I’ve been doing my entire adult life. Even that took me a long time to decide, because the “shoulds” kept coming back. But eventually, I got to a point where I knew I had to devote myself fully to going in one direction or the other. Working halfheartedly at both was getting me nowhere.
When you make a sharp change in career direction as a middle-aged guy, many people think you’re suffering a mid-life crisis, or that you’re being immature and “should” get back to reality and what you “should” be doing. There’s also the noise in the media saying I “should” take even a part-time minimum wage job, because I’m personally responsible for blowing the deficit sky-high by collecting unemployment. If I had made this decision while still employed, people would have thought I was crazy. Even I probably wouldn’t have considered making the change for myself.
So I’m on my way to becoming a business owner. I can’t say that all that has happened are signs that I’m going to be successful. But I can say that it all came together to provide me a new and different opportunity I’m going to run with for all it’s worth.
.
Thank you for this article; it comes at a very poignant time for me. I’m going through a lot of self-discovery right now, and figuring out that most of my life has been dictated by feelings of guilt that compel me to let others make my decisions for me. It’s getting better, but it’s difficult to unravel a lifetime of conditioning.
Also, thank you for this blog in general! Even though I don’t happen to possess a Y chromosome, I find your advice extremely relevant for living an honorable life as a genuinely decent, responsible person in general.
Congratulations too on following your dream! Best of luck.
Brett,
Thank you so much for sharing this. You speak to the masses of men (and people) who are caught in this immense internal conflict. I really appreciate you sharing your story, the very personal insights about where you were in your life, your doubts, and your courage.
I have definitely been there, and still am. I have often thought of myself as a rebel for ‘choosing’ to do things rather than staying caught up in something I ‘should’ do. I’ve learned to be more calculated as a result of trial and error. Through it all, I have become much more clear on who I am, and what I will and will not accept.
What you have shared shows me that I am not crazy or radical. I just ‘choose’ to make the hard and necessary choices, whereas many people are afraid to. I will definitely follow your advice to gain more clarity on where I want to go, and what I want to do with my life.
This post is immensely inspirational.
Thank you.
This philosophy works fine if you are single or don’t have any children who are dependent on you. But let me give you another perspective. I grew with a father who lived this exact lifestyle, he didn’t want to be burdened with “just a job” he wanted to “choose” his life. He was well educated in the scientific fields and mathematics but he would never hold a job long enough to make any significant income and this translated into a very unstable, poor childhood. Money was always “the” issue, there was never any around. I will never forget the feeling of relief I had when I started the profession I’m in now and I realized I had a steady income and I though I might “want” for more I would never “need” for anything. I have children now and I am very happy that I know I can adequately provide for them not just what they need but some extras for what they want. I’m trying to make sure they aren’t denied sports, trips, outings or other extracurricular activities because Dad is broke from trying to live by “choosing” only what HE wants. So yes, I live a “should” life in a career that I’m OK with but I’m definitely not “passionate” about it. I counterbalance that with a life that I define more by my hobbies and other interests that I do my work. People know me more for my hobbies and interests than my job and I’m OK with that. I don’t have an axe to grind with people who “go for it” and try to live their life as they “choose” but I do if they are depriving their dependents a decent upbringing or life because they are overly concerned with their “passion”.
Hey Brett,
I have been a long time reader of AoM and this is one of my favorite articles. Mostly because it applies SO directly to my life. I am a senior in college and will be getting my degree in environmental studies and marine science. I was a should-boy my entire life up until college. I graduated high school second in my class and went to a university ranked in the top ten in the nation so that i could be a doctor, just like everyone wanted me to.
Since college i have learned to be a little more of a chooser and I have chosen more as I have gotten old, i guess it comes with the territory of growing up, but i am currently struggling with my last big SHOULD.
I SHOULD go to graduate school for a doctorate in environmental science, but i, much like yourself, love to teach. I should get a career that pays well, like working for a big corporation with my degree. But i dont want to do that, and I dont think that anyone in my family understands.
Brett, Kate,
Thank you both for your incredible contributions and very timely articles! Although I didn’t know it before my wife arrived in my life, I am most definitely a should’er and have been kicking myself for a long time about past decisions. I’m currently in Grad school trying to finish a degree that I failed to do 7 years ago and it’s killing me to do so but I agree whole-heartedly about the responsibilities aspect of all of this. It’s hard to swallow but I have a family that needs me and this career for at least the short-term future and then when I get into my job/career I can focus on different avenues, try them out on my own time, and perhaps move into them when I’m ready.
What I enjoy most is that all of your articles can be used my men of all seasons and that is a gift. Thank you Brett for inspiring so many and thank you Kate for keeping it real for Brett and for us!
A truly inspiring post. I find that I am in a similar situation battling the ‘shoulds’ of my life. The battle is a tough one that does drain you. I applaud your resolve and endurance and am glad you have taken the leap to do what you want, despite the possibility of manliness. In fact, this seems to embody the very essence of this site. To stop being the man people think you should be and be the man you need to be. Congratulations and good luck.
On a side note, I think it would be a good idea to start an ‘ethics’ series to help people bolster their idea of right and wrong.
Hahaha. Correction to previous post: ‘despite the possibility of failure’.
Brett,
This is a great article and very similar to my own position in life at this moment. I’ve been a reader of this website for quite some time now ( two years) and all I can say is that there is nothing quite like it! I cherish many of your written thoughts and this site has definitely been a huge factor in my own personal transformation to becoming a better man! Thank you for sharing this great lesson from your own personal journey. Your words have inspired me to keep following my own “inner compass” when at times it was very convincing to give up altogether and settle for the “shoulds” while neglecting my heart. I’ve often refer back to a part in scripture when I wrestle with making the best choices on important issues: “”WHAT WILL IT PROFIT A MAN IF HE GAINS THE WHOLE WORLD BUT LOSES HIS OWN SOUL?” -Jesus
Thank you for your timely words of encouragement!!!!
-Nikko
Thanks Brett!!!!!!
The grandest and best wishes to your endeavor, and a sincere thanks for writing this article. I’m 35 and I am IN the should-ing position as we speak with heavy loads of work from multiple places and burning out fast. It’s nice to know that there are others out there that suffer from these same problems, for the same core reasons.
I’ve been a traveler of this site and blog for just over a year now, and it has been a great influence and source of knowledge and inspiration. Keep up all your good work, and never say die laddie!
-Johnny
Wonderful, timely post. I’m 27 and almost 5 years out of college. I work at the Library of the college that I attended and love my job. I also want to be a writer and am working on that.
I’ve had numerous people, including my Dad, tell me that I “should” go back to school and get a Master’s degree, because if I ever want any chance of advancing in the Library I supposedly must have one.
But I’m happy where I am, and can see myself working in that position for many years. If I go back to school, that’s just more time I’ll have to spend on schoolwork rather than my own writing. Why should I waste two years of my life for a degree that I have no desire to get?
Fantastic article! I’ve definitely “shoulded” my way through life. Similar to Miss Moni – I’m a 4th year Psych PhD student that’s been burned out for some time now. I’ve done fine with classes, but I can’t bring myself to do the research – my heart’s just not in it. Thus, I’m still finishing my thesis despite being only a semester shy of internship (I’m about 2 years behind schedule regarding research). Truth be told, I’ve learned to love auto mechanic work – I’ve been doing it on the side for the last 5 years or so. I frequently consider the possibility of opening a repair shop one day… Thanks for making me think and for the wonderful posts!
I am in the habit of screening AOM for my husband’s benefit. Thanks for all the hard work you have done here. This is a great article! I was glad to see you address the issue of responsibility at the end, because yes, there are some things that men (actually, people) SHOULD do.
One thing you should do, as an obviously educated person, is remember that “alright” is never one word. :) All right?
Thanks for being here.
Amazing article Brett. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us, as it mirrors almost identically many others’, including my own. Thank you for the hope and guidance, and good luck with your choice!
Awesome post and truly awesome comments. Anyone who doubts the pressures men face to be “successful” based on the definitions of family, peers and society needs to read this post.
“Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to. “
I can relate to your story so well, for most of my life I did the same thing, what I “should” have done, or at least what I THOUGHT that other people wanted me to do. It’s been just recently that I decided I wasn’t happy, and struck out on my own. Thanks for sharing this wisdom, I’m sure it will help a lot of people to think about what they’re doing with their lives and maybe make some changes for the better.
Wise choice. Whether it’s Law or Medicine or anything else, if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t start. If you’ve started and don’t want to do it, quit. You had the wisdom and courage to do so. BUT I’m sure you realize that the mental discipline of having studied law, will help you in all of your business endeavors. Stay too long at Law, and it can easily crush any of your emotional ones. Been practicing for almost 30 years, and it was what I was born to do. You are doing what you were born to do now, and more power to you–Love the blog.
Great post! I was also the kid who talked his friends out of doing the really fun stuff. Been reading for over a year and just now realize we work (or rather worked) for the same company. Good luck!
Wow, Brett. You’re story sounds like my life exactly. I am 22 years old, went to college, am in debt, currently have a decent-paying full-time job, am considering law school (and not really sure why, but I keep telling myself it’s the right thing to do), and have a secret desire to become a teacher. The similarities are really remarkable. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that I really want to do, but thanks for sharing your story. Seriously, this post may have altered the course of my life.
I’ve been reading for a long time, now, and I really enjoy your blog, by the way.
Congratulations Brett on your decision! I think its always a hard choice to choose what you do for a living. I believe that over time, if all men were to choose what they did instead of following some cookie cutter recipe for life like lemmings, they’d find that the choice is actually the should; one in the same. I do believe that it takes maturity, and few (or more) hard nocks before a man learns how to say no. I’m still learning it myself in fact. However, I have become a bit more hard boiled in my resolutions, and I’m confident that I’ll soon acquire the gumption to take the first step just as you have. Again, congrats!
What a great article!!!!! Makes me even gladder that I blew off law school (University of Oklahoma) and did something that I loved, which is information technology. As an interesting side note, I worked for a major law firm in Tulsa for 8 years as their Director of Technology. Many of those people disliked their work but stuck with it because of the money.
You and I should have lunch sometime and chat.
I just quit my comfetable corperate job to go after my dream job. It is scarry for both my gf whom i live with and myself, however as i finish up my last week of my old job to start working twords what i want to be doing i am feeling very good about my desicion. It is my first time not shoulding on my self and going for what i want and i am very excited and proud of myself for taking the leap. Thank you for the article. your blog rocks!
This one really hits home for me. I’m about to turn 50 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
From outside appearances people think I have it made – I have a Masters Degree, a very good paying job in the IT industry, and I work from home.
So what’s the problem? I hate my job. Yeah, I know there are people who would kill for my job, but maybe if they had it for a while, they would feel differently.
This is not what I wanted to do with my life. I kind of wound up here through a series of – for lack of a better term – accidents. I started college late in life while I was in the military, then when I got out got a job with an IT company. After a few years I realized that was not what I wanted to do, but then they offered to send me to grad school so I went. After getting my Masters, the company was bought by a bigger company, so I left for a better-paying job at another company, my present job.
I guess I’m where I am because I didn’t have any real goals and kept taking the path of least resistance and doing what I “should” instead of what I wanted. So now I’m in a job that I hate, and making too much money to quit. If I keep working and saving the way I am, I will probably be able to retire in 10 years (maybe not with the way the economy is going) but then what?
The thing with setting goals for me is, I never get past the idea phase. A few times I actually sat down and tried to make a plan for a career change, but something – kids, death in the family, other crises usually came up and put my plans on hold. Then it was back to work and back to the routine.
I grew up during the height of the Space Program, “if we can put a man on the moon, we can do anything” and was always told that I was capable of accomplishing anything I put my mind to. So every career choice I ever thought of was looked at as beneath me (at least that was how I felt) and everything I think I want to do, I always feel like I should be doing something else.
I had no real goals for what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want – to spend my life working in a job I hated just because it payed well. But that’s what I’m doing now.
Good article. Maybe it will help me get off my ass and do something with my life before I’m too old to do anything.
Brett, I’m a senior in college and this article has reaffirmed my decision to go into teaching next year rather than law school, as I had originally intended. Thanks.
It seems that the lesson of should versus choose is one that is learned the hard way. My own experience has helped me in becoming more driven. I graduated from high school in 2002 in a small town in central Georgia. I was a decent enough student and began taking classes at the small college in my hometown. Being idiotic I screwed up academically and the college requested that I take a semester off. At this same time my father, who was and still is a blue collar man, had a mild heart attack. I thus began working with him in our family business while taking classes part time. This pattern continued for several years until the say I realized I was miserable. I hadn’t finish earning an associates while many of my friends had their bachelors and were either in grad school or in nice jobs. The local economy had slowed down the business so much that more often than not we sat idly by waiting for the phone to ring just to cover expenses. I then decided to stop dicking around and take my education seriously so that I wouldn’t be stuck where I was. It took me a year before I had my gpa up to where I could apply to my dream school. Leaving home for school was the best thing I could do. My father got a job as a deputy sheriff that he enjoys. I have adapted well to my new location. I should graduate this May with a B.S. in Psychology. Additionally I am in the best shape of my life, having dropped from 300lbs to 225lbs ( I’m six and a half feet tall by the way). This whole ordeal to me has given me an almost intolerable desire to continue to better myself. I chose to continue my education. I chose to improve my life and I will choose to help anyone else who needs my help.
Great article. This topic is right up the alley of what I’ve been thinking about in my own life. Not just with work but with relationships. I’m 29 and I feel that since I’ve graduated high school many of my decisions where out of the “should” feeling and an unecessary guilt that comes along with it if you think about not doing it. Thinking for myself and “following my heart” so to speak, strangely, seems a little scary but also refreshing at the same time.
Brett, awesome article! I’ve always wondered what your “day job” is. Congratulations on giving it up and purusing what you really want in life. You’re an excellent writer and an inspiration to many of us. Thanks for all you do.
congrats. BRETT, as T.R. would say BULLY FOR YOU! sounds like you have a great wiife for your support. love your a.o.m. website.stay strong my friend and carry on.i have a life changeing experience myself, stage 4 bone cancer! things change in a heart beat and dont EVER GIVE UP! take care and good luck old-hippy
Amen.
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