First, toward my father who eventually escaped, and then toward me as the oldest child. I was beaten with fists, sticks, toys, kitchen utensils, and belts. These beatings were followed by hours of verbal torture, mocking, and screaming.

Publicly, for church, school, social services, and whoever else would listen, she wore the mask of the single mother martyr. No one ever questioned the marks or the fear that I carried.

I would encourage Leif and other young men not to underestimate how much destruction that a woman can do in your life. I generally find that young men are far too optimistic about their own capabilities.

A woman can hit you, talk about you, spread lies about you, make complaints to the police about you, undermine your business and career, steal from you, take your home and children away from you, collect payments from you, and their is precious little you can do to defend yourself against a malicious woman.

If you have the opportunity to escape from such a woman (even if it is just a girlfriends mother), you take it.

Leif, I was in a *VERY* similar situation as yours while dating a gal who had a very overbearing and critical mother. After trying to “rescue” her by getting her to see the light, I eventually gave up on the matter. Your girlfriend’s mother seems to have overt dominion over your girlfriend’s life and, unfortunately, she is accustomed to that situation and way of parental interaction. Even worse, your relative position as “boyfriend” holds less water than, say, if you were her husband. *Thankfully*, you are not in that deep with this gal.

My recommendation to you is do what I did and cut this relationship off. If your girlfriend’s mother is this overbearing already, God forbid how she will act when she gets “promoted” to mother-in-law. You’re already having to walk on eggshells around “Mommy Dearest” now. Imagine this situation worsening tenfold, if not a hundredfold. Even worse, your girlfriend enables this very bad behavior on the part of her mother. Your gal may love you, but that love carries a very high price in the form of the family that will come along with her. In the end, you’re going to have to be very direct with your girlfriend: let momma run your life, and I will run off to preserve my sanity. You deserve happiness, not a future of servitude where you feel compelled to placate an onerous and controlling woman.

Leif, relationships are meant to share joy and life with one another — they should not be vehicles by which others shall control you and, thus, make you miserable. If you still check this site, I hope you see this message and heed what I have to say. I have since left my version of your situation behind and met another wonderful woman with a great mom who happens to really like and respect me for who I am. My gal has been my wife for the past 10 years and mother of my awesome son.

In short, there are other fish in the sea that come with far less mercury in their bloodstreams. You will find happiness, but it will not likely be with this gal. Move on — it’ll hurt for a while, but you’ll realize in time that this one is not worth the fight.

Best of luck to you, Leif.

In my second year of college at the age of 19, I have entered my first long-term relationship. She is one year younger than me. My girlfriend is everything I could ask for… she is considerate of others, kind, has established values that align with mine. She is beautiful, intelligent and (most of the time) reasonable.

The problem is her mother. Her mother is first-generation Puerto Rican and is very, very protective of her daughter. Upon visiting my girlfriend’s house for the first time, her father and brother immediately took to me, which she says has never happened to any other guy she has brought home in the past. I brought her mother flowers as a gift, and did my best to pay attention to each member of her family (as well as her) instead of shunning them for her. After I left, her father remarked on how respectful and well-groomed I am.

Each time I visited her house, her mother remained visibly skeptical of me. As she continued to confront me about how I “had better” respect her daughter “or else,” I assured her that I had only the best intentions towards her daughter. However, she kept finding ways to depict me as “disrespectful” and “unworthy” of her daughter. I understand her concern and attachment as her daughter leaves home for college and enters a relationship with a new guy, and I have done my best to reflect this understanding in my actions. I have been nothing but a gentleman, as I have been raised to be, cooking for the family, spending time talking to both parents and the younger brother, and introducing each to members of my own family.

However, her mother has become progressively more violent towards me. On a facebook comment of both of us, I stated that I strive to treat my girlfriend with the “utmost consideration for her personal development and endeavors as a strong, independent young woman.” She wrote multiple lengthy comments berating me by stating that “consideration” is not enough and “respect” is what I should truly show, and that I am not ready for a relationship if I can’t tell the difference. Then, she messaged me demanding to know why I didn’t “like” her comment.

My girlfriend’s mother does not pay for her college… my girlfriend pays her own tuition. Yet her mother continues to tell her that she is still a child and is nowhere near being an adult. My girlfriend grew up hiding the things she did from her mother, fearing confrontation. She apologized when it was convenient, believing it would just fix everything.

Two weeks ago, I went out with some friends to a hookah bar for the first time. She found out, told my girlfriend that my “carelessness” for my health (and indirectly, hers) was reckless and irresponsible. She sent my girlfriend articles about the dangers of hookah and said she expects this to never happen again.

A week ago, she posted three photos to my facebook wall which had text about treating women with respect. She wrote, “Maybe you didn’t understand, but this is how I expect you to treat my daughter.” I simply hid the link from my timeline.

A few days ago, my girlfriend and I were involved in a conversation in a college dorm room with some friends. During the conversation, somebody brought up loud sex and and someone said, “I don’t moan anymore! He covers my mouth!” Needless to say, the entire room was dying with laughter. I posted this quote on twitter, without tagging or referencing the individual who said this (who did happen to be my girlfriend). The next day, my girlfriend got a call from her very upset mother, who stated that my “vulgar” and “explicit” revelation of our “private lives” was inexcusable and that if I posted anything with a sexual reference to my twitter in the future, I would not be allowed back into her house. In order to avoid any further conflict, I set my twitter to private.

In hindsight, I can understand her mother’s concern over my tweet. If I had it to do over again, I would not post it (even if I don’t personally feel it was wrong), because I realize that it upsets a mother to believe that her innocent daughter could be involved in anything sexual (even though we are in college). Her mother has known that we sleep together, but the other day she scolded her daughter because she had not encouraged me to “ask permission.”

The day after I set my twitter to private, I received a very strongly-worded message from her mother on facebook explaining my role in our relationship. She stated that I am disrespectful and continually damage my girlfriend’s reputation, and that by setting my twitter to private I am showing “a great deal of immaturity,” and hiding behind privacy “like a coward.” She stated that my parents would be ashamed of me and that I owe her (her mother) an apology, because it is my “job to clarify everything posted on twitter.”

I did not get upset. I did not tell her she was out of line. I messaged her back listing the derogatory terms she applied to me and asked why she felt as if I was being disrespectful to her daughter when her daughter says nothing but positive things about me and our relationship. I told her that if she wished to involve my parents, I have nothing to hide.

The next day, I received an even stronger message from her mother. This time, she told me that I refuse to listen or consider what she is saying and that I will never understand. She told me that I need to “grow up” and that I can never threaten her with my parents. She said she doesn’t hate me, but “I don’t like you one little bit.” She continued, “My daughter is scorning me like no child should over a boy she met six months ago. Boy, that must make you feel good. It must boost your ego.”

After taking a day to consider the message, I decided that enough is enough. I visited one of my closest professors, who is an elderly lawyer who worked for the CIA, and asked his advice. He told me that she is used to controlling men in her life through intimidation, and to “tell her mother to go fuck herself.” I didn’t do that… that’s not how I personally deal with situations.

I messaged her mom, beginning by stating that although I am her daughter’s boyfriend, I am an also and adult and I expect to be treated as such. I told her that by continuing to attack me, insult my upbringing and my parents, she was out of line. I told her that she is not my mother, and she should not treat me as her child. How she raised her daughter is between them, but I do not believe it is right for her to talk to me in such a way.

I showed the messages to many of my friends, and they all said she was out of line and that my messages were concise yet not disrespectful considering the circumstances. Her mother did not reply for a few days, and then she messaged me saying that she is done with me, I will never be allowed in her house again and that her daughter is no longer to visit me on breaks. She called her daughter and told her not to come home for spring break.

The next day, my mom forwarded me an email from my girlfriend’s mother. Her mother told my mom that I was incredibly disrespectful and I am continually sacrificing my girlfriend’s health and well-being. My mom calmly replied that her allegations don’t fit my character and that there must be more to the story. After my mom first met my girlfriend’s mother, she told me that she doesn’t like how she seems to feel the need to dominate and intimidate everyone, so she already wasn’t too fond of her. However, she was upset that my girlfriend’s mother is doing this. I told her not to worry about it, that it isn’t her responsibility, and that I will deal with it.

The other day, I messaged her mom one last time to simply reiterate my good intentions. I told her that I understand her concern, that she doesn’t need to feel threatened by my presence in her daughter’s life, and that I love her daughter very much and want nothing but the best for her.

She messaged me back with a surprising change of tone, thanking me for my understanding. She then emailed my mom explaining what I said and telling her that she appreciates my sentiments.

Yesterday I walked in on my girlfriend on the phone with her mom, who was audibly angry. My girlfriend kept reiterating that she apologizes. I shook my head… she shouldn’t need to live in fear, controlled by the wrath and overbearing jealousy of her mother. At the end of the conversation, my girlfriend told me that I should apologize for how I talked to her mother and that it was wrong of me to tell her mom that she was out of line. She said we should just do what her mom wants until she is old enough to support herself. I told my girlfriend that it is against my moral values to apologize when I do not mean it, and that appeasing a bully only makes things worse. My girlfriend said that apologizing has worked for her in the past and that we need to do it for “just a little more.” When I told her that that philosophy will only result in people taking advantage of her, she asked me what is more important, my pride or my relationship?

I am not a very prideful person, but I have very strong ideas of right and wrong. I truly believe that what her mother did is wrong, and my conscience does not encourage me to apologize simply to appease her mother, because I know it will happen again. When I was younger, I learned how to stand up to my parents, to tell them when I believed they were being unfair or overbearing, and as a result we have a strong relationship in which each party respects the other.

However, at this point, as the issue with my girlfriend’s mother continues, I don’t quite know what to do and would appreciate any suggestions or comments.

Many single women unconsciusly like this because it ensures they won’t be left alone once their children grow, but this hurts them for life.

If you know a fatherless boy help him gain self trust and emotional independence.