Crazy Stuff Your Dad Has Said: The $#*! My Dad Says Sweepstakes

by Brett on September 23, 2010 · 281 comments

in Contest

While we might wish our dad was like Ward Cleaver, most dads are far from perfect. Maybe your dad is more like Archie Bunker or Fred G. Sanford. They loved their families and would do anything for them, but when dispensing fatherly advice they usually ended up saying some crazy, albeit super hilarious stuff. They also had a tendency to blurt out embarrassing stories and opinions at inopportune times, like when a girlfriend came over to meet the family for the first time. Television fathers like Bunker and Sanford have had a lasting impression on pop culture primarily because many people see a bit of their own dad in those characters.

There’s a new show premiering tonight that carries on the tradition of the gruff, yet lovable dad who says the darnedest things. CBS’ $#*! My Dad Says starring William Shatner follows the life of a young 20-something who lives with his cranky 70 year old dad, a man who says exactly what’s on his mind. And what’s usually on his mind isn’t polite.

The show is based on a Twitter account started by Justin Halpern, a real-life 29 year old living with his 70 year old dad. One day, Justin started tweeting all the crazy stuff his dad says. Word of warning: Justin’s dad has a mouth that would make the saltiest of sailors blush. Don’t read the Twitter stream if you’re offended by strong, adult language. Justin’s dad drops more F-bombs than the entire cast did in Reservoir Dogs. You’ve been warned.

The rest is internet history. The Twitter account was turned into a best-selling book and now it’s a show on TV starring William Shatner. Crazy. With the show’s premiere tonight, we’ve got more than a dozen of the best-selling book Sh*t My Dad Says to award some AoM readers. Here’s how to enter for your chance to win one.

The Sweepstakes

To enter, just leave a comment below sharing the craziest, most embarrassing thing your dad has said. Deadline to enter is Thursday, Sept. 30, 2010 at 10PM CST. 15 entrants will be chosen at random to win a copy of the book. I’m looking forward to reading your entries.

Update: I should also mention that we are moderating comments, so it might not show up right when you post. We’ want to hear your crazy stories, but clean it up as much as you can without it losing its impact. Thanks.

Read the official rules for the sweepstakes.

101 Phil Haney September 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm

My dad left when I was nine (I’m 51 now), but I do remember him telling me once, “Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You can never ask too many questions.” About a month later I asked him something and his reply was, “You ask too many questions.” The only other thing I remember him telling me was, “Don’t call me Daddy. You can call me Pop, Paul, or Dad. But don’t call me Daddy. that’s for girls and sissies.”

102 AD September 23, 2010 at 12:19 pm

When my family ran a restaurant, some kid of perhaps 5 or 6 years came in and wanted to use the restroom. My approached the kid and said “Yes, you can use it. That will be 5 dollars please!” and he put out his hand expecting the cash. Poor kid was surprised and turned around to ask his mother for the money. Everyone in the restaurant had a good laugh at it. My dad loved teasing the kids and I was no exception when I was younger.

I was about 8 at the time when he first showed the thumb dismembering trick. You know that trick where you’re really hiding one thumb and replaced it with the other and pull it apart from the hand. Well… being the dumb kid I was, I fell for it and was amazed by it. He asked me if I wanted to learn how to do it, too. Again the being the dumb kid I was, I said that I did. Then he went into the kitchen and pulled out a chef’s knife and told me that I must first cut off my thumb. I did not agree to that idea and ran aways while he followed me throughout the house with the 10″ knife

103 Rick September 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm

So I bring home my eventual wife to meet the family for the first time for Christmas. My wife is a native German. My pop starts telling this story about how he was in a bar and this guy was mouthing off about jewish people. Then he looks at my wife and says
“I told him to shut the hell up because I dont know if you know this or not but Rick has an ancestor that died in a concentration camp during the Holocaust…….son of a bitch fell out of the guard tower hahahaahha”. This was met with shocked silence from the extended family, to which he replied “what? Im just trying to make her feel welcome”

104 Jimmy L September 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

So here’s the deal, son: I screwed up teaching you soccer. But, when you have a son, we’ll train him to be the next Beckham.

105 John R. September 23, 2010 at 12:43 pm

My dad has had a few gems over the years. In fact when we were growing up we suggested that he open his own driving school since he already had a vocabulary book for it. We also did boy scouts and on campouts he would tell us that the scout law included “a scout is hungry” and “always pee downwind.”

Just last week though, I casually mentioned I had finished reading a book on the war in Afghanistan and completely serious, he responded with “What’s this waterboarding I keep hearing about?”

106 Gabriel September 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm

My father loudly passes gas and regularly proclaims to the household in a loud voice, “Buck snort!”

107 Bill September 23, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Three things that my dad said are always with me.

1) When he wanted to say that he did not believe what someone was saying he would say, “Your ass is sucking canal water.”
2) When people (usually mom) asked him to do multiple things at the same time he would say, “Why don’t I stick a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I’m at it?”
3) As I was leaving to go to my high school Prom he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, a stiff dick has no conscience.”

My brothers (and some of my sisters) and I still use sayings #1 and #2.
My dad died in October 1985. I miss him every day.

108 J D Armstrong September 23, 2010 at 12:54 pm

My dad teaching me to ski in a time before ski helmets:
“If you don’t fall, you’re not trying hard enough!”

109 Tim B. September 23, 2010 at 1:00 pm

“remember son; more than three shakes is a w*nk.”

I defy you to forget this one.

110 mike September 23, 2010 at 1:01 pm

I had been single for a little while, Dad says,
“why don’t you go to church to meet some girls?”
Me, an Athiest replied “What?! I don’t want Christian Girl!”
“Well,” says Dad, ” You just gotta find one that doesn’t follow the rules.”

Funny enough, I did go to church to meet a girl that didn’t follow the rules, didn’t meet a girl but I ended up getting converted. Now I’m on my way to become a pastor. I preach 1-3 times every couple of weeks! :)

111 Brian September 23, 2010 at 1:04 pm

The only time I’ve ever heard my dad cuss was when he knocked himself out with a pair of titanium numchucks he’d fashioned himself at his machine shop. I don’t know how long he was out but I saw him wake up and say “sh!% that was F&$#ing crazy”

112 Rey September 23, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I accidentally shot an old lady neighbor in the back in Jr High.

Dad got home so pissed he yelled, “Boy, you’re so damn dumb you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot!”

113 Scott Wertel September 23, 2010 at 1:16 pm

All of these other quotes are reminding me of more. Seems our fathers all read from the same playbook.

“House guests are like fish. After 3 days, they start to stink.”

114 Mike Heller September 23, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Best advice ever.

I was 19, and had my first serious girlfriend. My dad, knowing her and I were not exactly chaste, took his opportunity to get his point about safe sex across. While driving In the car with my mom and my two sisters he suddenly turned to me and said, “Oh, by the way. Cindy’s dad called. She’s pregnant. Way to go, asshole.” My mom burst into tears, my sisters’ jaws hit the floor, and my stomach hit the floor as my heart jumped into my mouth. He then slowly stopped the car, looked hard into my eyes, and said, “Remember how you feel right now, Michael. Always be careful.” It took us about full ten seconds to realize that her dad didn’t really call, she wasn’t pregnant, but believe you me–I was always careful after that.

115 jeremy September 23, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Pops was always fond of expanding on Mom’s blanket rule, “never embarrass me in public”, with “Sure the temper-tantrum in the store puts me in an awkward situation, but know those people are not there at home. Once you step foot in that door your ass is mine!”. Needless to say my sisters and I kept our store fusses to a minimum – even to this day.

116 Adam Shipp September 23, 2010 at 1:48 pm

My dad was trying to make some profound point when speaking to me one time. He said,
“If you shoot in the dark with an unloaded gun you won’t hit much”.

To this day he still maintains it makes perfect sense.

117 Tom September 23, 2010 at 2:02 pm

“What you heard was bullets. Don’t tell your mother.”

118 Michael Hughes September 23, 2010 at 2:09 pm

“You are about as useless as teets on a bull”

119 john September 23, 2010 at 2:32 pm

My wife and I and our two little kids are about to jump into the van we plan to drive across country in, finally all packed and ready to go. My father walks up to me, grabs my hand to shake it and says:

Remember son, you can take a jackass and box it up in Boston, drive it clear across country, and you know what you have when you open that box up in San Francisco? A jackass.

Gee, thanks, Dad. I think.

120 M. Russell September 23, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Upon seeing a woman in the grocery with a horrible, horrible wedgie:

“You know, if she’d feed that thing every once in a while, it wouldn’t eat her pants like that.”

121 Pete September 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Once, when talking about providing for family, my dad said “No work is too dirty”

122 Chris Maurer September 23, 2010 at 3:01 pm

To gross me out (especially when I was already nauseous and on the verge of throwing up anyway), he would say things like “Hungry? How ’bout a scab sandwich and a glass of pus?”

123 Hector September 23, 2010 at 3:04 pm

“Remember Hector, no bitches after 12″.

124 Rick September 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm

A few weeks ago I was interviewing many different married couples about their thoughts on marriage to gather information for the sermon in a wedding I was officiating. When I sat down with my parents and asked them how their ideas about marriage have changed, my dad kicked things off by saying, “Rick, I’ve been married 30 years. I don’t even look both ways when I cross the street anymore.”

Needless to say, I didn’t quote him in my sermon.

125 Kevin September 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

My Dad has always said that: “if you are going to do something, don’t do it half assed.”

126 Curtis September 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

It’s a damn shame that this contest isn’t “$#*! My Mom Says” or I would be the winner and the next 4 runner up.

127 B Shelton September 23, 2010 at 3:47 pm

My dad was an over the road truck driver and as a result his hearing was was pretty bad. One day while watching the local news the teaser before the commercial was something like, ” A new problem in metro school’s head lice, well be right back ” Well dad gets real mad and yells at the TV. Damm right they ought to bust them sons a bitches out with a hammer!! I said what are you talking about he said, You know people that wont dim there headlights, I hate that.

128 Phillip September 23, 2010 at 3:53 pm

“Son, some times you just have to put your Di*k shoes on”

129 Tim September 23, 2010 at 3:55 pm

My dad once told me, “She’s realy purty all right, but , no matter what son, don’t let your little head take control from your big one.”

He was also fond of saying (because he was a plumber and later a plumbing inspector), “Only two things to remember about being a plumber; s*** don’t run uphill and payday is Friday. You won’t believe how many men I seen louse up the first one and still expect the second.”

130 John F. September 23, 2010 at 4:17 pm

My dad would always say, especially when I was doing something dumb as kids are wont to do: “Hey, you’re a real fart smella. -I mean, smart fella!”

131 WD Hutchins September 23, 2010 at 4:32 pm

In highschool I was laying around for weeks depressed over a breakup with a girlfriend. He was tired of me laying around, and offered this advice about young relationships, “You have to be like the Postman son…lick em, stick em, and send them on their way”. This was not really his philosophy but it got me off the couch.

132 Evan September 23, 2010 at 4:46 pm

I got a tattoo of something my dad said to me once that really stuck in my brain. This was his response when I showed and explained the tattoo to him:

Wow, I didn’t realize that you actually pay attention to what I say. So if I call you an idiot you believe me?

133 Jason September 23, 2010 at 5:09 pm

When I was in junior high school heading into to high school and the “just say no” campaign was gaining popularity, my old-man sat me down to explain drugs. He told me there are many drugs out there and people may offer them to me but I shouldn’t just say no but rather say “no thank you.” My old-man, once straight-laced (prior to the Vietnam War) was into experimenting upon his return….as you can see.

134 Mike Quici September 23, 2010 at 5:20 pm

“I don’t keep up with the Jones’, I am the Jones’”

135 SW September 23, 2010 at 5:42 pm

“It might not be very big around…but it’s short.”

136 ScLoHo (Scott Howard) September 23, 2010 at 5:43 pm

My dad when I was a teenager used to swear, but blame it on his dead mother.

He’d say: “As your grandmother used to say, F*** It!”

It wasn’t until after he passed away, and I was having a conversation with my mom about this, and she told me truth, that my grandmother never, ever used bad language, that she would wash your mouth out with soap if you even said “Darn” or Rats”.

137 Vince September 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Commenting on our neighbors birthday party for their dog:

“I’ll go to their dog’s birthday party after they come to my cat’s piano recital.”

138 David Guba September 23, 2010 at 6:07 pm

What a contest! I am a 20-something year old, and my Father is in his 70′s.

Upon meeting my wife: “You’re not as heavy as you look in photographs.”

Entering a restaurant- Dad: “Those Mexican guys in the parking lot made me uncomfortable, I think they’re up to no good”
Me: “Dad, that’s terrible!”
Dad: “You’re right, that’s not fair, they could be Guatemalan for all I know.”

In a note excusing a school absence when I was in the 3rd grade: “Please excuse David for missing school yesterday. He had a stomach ache because he is full of crap.”

Advice to me before joining the military – “If someone you work with is a stupid a$$hole, just wait, in 2 years one of you won’t work there anymore. There are no stupid a$$holes in heaven either, so you got that to look forward to.”

Homework – “I’m not helping you with algebra. You don’t need to know algebra to dig ditches.”

sports – “I watched some kid fall off a skateboard today. He asked me to call 911 for him. For what, I said, so the police can arrest you for being a stupid ass?”

139 Dave Lewis September 23, 2010 at 6:11 pm

I was about 12 and was trying to figure out why life was the way it was. I asked my Pennsylvania coal cracker dad some sort of deep philosophical question and he replied, “Son, if I told you everything I know, I’d go to bed stupid.” Somehow it made sense.

140 CCW September 23, 2010 at 6:24 pm

My dad comes from a long tradition of no-nonsense military and law enforcement men so he caught me off-guard when he comforted me when I was about 8 and told me “it’s okay to cry”, and I knew he meant it. He knew I was holding it in because I wanted to be just like him.

141 Steve R September 23, 2010 at 6:49 pm

“Don’t ever date a girl that has a thicker moustashe than you”

142 Robert September 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Once when I was a teenager and had a couple of friends over, we were looking through my parents’ yearbooks while waiting for dinner. As I looked through my dad’s I asked if he remembered any of the girls that were in the pictures with him. My dad is a quiet man who rarely talks when people are visiting so I was trying to get a conversation going. He responded “If you turn them over and spread their legs, they all look the same to me.” Conversation over.

143 Dave Huyg September 23, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Dad was a maintenance engineer for creameries all along the West Coast. Once we were old enough to get jobs he would put us to work helping out with “special projects” around the plant. These “Special Projects” always to crawl into the small spaces, doing something no one else wanted to do and/or clean out the mess that always seemed to collect there. Inevitably we would smash a finger, get a cramp or bash our heads. His standard response was “Feel better when the pain is gone” – That man is a genius on so many levels. I find myself regularly quoting him to this day to my own children and my coworkers.

144 Jeff P. September 23, 2010 at 8:18 pm

With regards to dating: “Date dumb, but marry smart, you’ll have more fun that way.”

145 rob September 23, 2010 at 8:51 pm

when i was preparing at my eagle scout ceremony with 2 of my other friends, i kept pacing around making sure everything was perfect. my dad, being the jokester he is, stuck his foot out and i promptly tripped over it. in front of my friends. he then quipped, ” pwned.” all 3 of us busted out laughing, and to this day, still joke about it.

146 Matt September 23, 2010 at 8:58 pm

When ever we would go into a restaurant and the waitress would ask my dad how he was doing, he’d reply:

“I am so good I can hardly stand myself. Now I know how you feel.”


“Terrible good” – and when she’d as what that means -”that’s so good that the bad’s even good.”

And if he’d order something and they didn’t have it:

“What???(emphatically) And you still have the lights on and the doors open, are you running an outhouse?”

147 Brian Cromeens September 23, 2010 at 9:10 pm

“Just cause you tell a man to go to hell, don’t mean he will go…”

148 Bram Swingle September 23, 2010 at 9:12 pm

The only advice my father ever gave me is as follows: Son, don’t stick your dick where you wouldn’t stick your hands.

149 Kevin September 23, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Oh no! The turtle is peeking! Something my Dad says just before running to the nearest bathroom.

150 Vance September 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm

“I didn’t know whether to s*** or go blind”

151 Dustin S. September 23, 2010 at 9:45 pm

My father-in-law is quite the character. He’s a “Deadhead” and like me we’ve been to many concerts and subsequent “Lots”, where hippies and freaks are selling everything under the sun, from “Phatty Veggie Burrito’s” to “15 Minutes with my girlfriend, Fifty bucks!, What the F*(K its only a buck”.

One night after a Rolling Stones show, we make our way back to the parking lot for a ride home from his wife when he stops and announces he’s got “Rocks and Ho’s” for sale, “One for $2, two for $5″.

152 sandy September 23, 2010 at 9:50 pm

my dad was just as crazy0 and used to tell me if I am horny get a vibrator

153 Rusty Woolfolk September 23, 2010 at 9:58 pm

My Dads advice on love: “its just as easy to love a rich girl as a poor girl. Marry money boy, marry money”.

On discipline: “Ol’ buddy, I’m gonna whup a knot upside your ugly head”

On parental respect: “I hear you sass your mother like than again, I will f**k you up worse than polio”

154 Chase September 23, 2010 at 10:17 pm

“That thing runs like a raped ape!”

155 John September 23, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Around 7th or 8th grade, not sure which but I do know that it was before high school, I heard a Led Zepplin song on the radio while driving with my mother. I remember acting like I just heard the new break out band of the century. I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my father about my discovery because I was certain he would like this “new” band I had just found. When I got home I raced inside and said “Dad! Have you ever heard of the band Led Zepplin?”

My father, a grown up Vietnam hippie and never one miss out on a laugh, fed right into it and said “No John. Tell me about them?” I think I went on for 15 minutes about their style, sound and concluded with “You should check them out, I think you’ll like them.” The whole time my father fought back the laughter and finally said “Yeah, I’ll have to check them out, they sound like something I would listen to.”

I know this doesn’t really qualify as $#!+ my dad says but this happened about 15 years ago and we still laugh to this day about it.

156 Zach September 23, 2010 at 10:34 pm

A few years ago while waiting in line at an auto parts store behind a thugish kid with a size xxl t-shirt and baggy pants on, my dad said to him “Hey, I hope you know your ass is hanging out of your pants. You ever hear of a belt?” My dad is 80 years old by the way.

157 Ryan H. September 23, 2010 at 11:06 pm

I haven’t lived a long life thus far so I have limited memories of my father saying anything profound, but there is one I will remember and pass down to my kids.

I had gotten into trouble at school for talking back to a teacher and using explicit language, related events. My parents were called in for a conference with the deans, principal, and the teacher.

I told my side of the story; saying that I lost my temper and was sorry, but that he (the teacher) had been insulting me publically so I was not sorry for my message to him (Treat your students with respect, and if you’re gonna talk $&#! to me I should be able to @#^%ing talk back.)

He told his which consisted of him lying about what he had said about me and saying that I just started cursing at him out of nowhere!

The school ruled in favor of the teacher.

This pissed off my father since he puts honesty and honor above most anything else. We spent hours in that conference room while my dad unveiled that the teacher has lyed and reduced my sentence to the minimum.

Afterwards he told me:

“I will always be there for you. I will never leave your side. Mind you, I can’t be there in person all the time because, let’s face it, you are going places. But know this…you are my son and I will do ANYTHING to ensure you never end up like him. Now get a haircut, if you’re going to be man you have to look the part too like it or not.”

Then there is one more piece I remember from him:

During my teens: “Don’t let those girls hold you back. There will always be time to find that one. Now is the time for you to bust your @$$ getting an education so that when you do find that one. You can spoil her like you want, have the peace-of-mind that comes with making a living, and teach your kids how to succeed from experience not regret.”

158 Carlo d. September 23, 2010 at 11:16 pm

“You better buy a rack full of condoms to protect yourself from all those ladies who are after you…and your wallet, full of MY money.” -Grandpa (My Dad passed away when I was one year old)

159 Alec Moore September 23, 2010 at 11:39 pm

My father is a master seargent in the police division of the airforce, and his father was a firefighter in the army. i come from a long line of hard, i mean what i say men. my father had a few sayings that still ring in my ears from my childhood. my favorite was, after having spanked me, and 4- 5 minutes of my crying he would shout, from down the hall ” if you dont knock that s–t off im going to come in there and give you something to cry about. fyi: we’re from the south where its still ok to spank your children

160 Mark September 23, 2010 at 11:55 pm

talking to inanimate objects- the bolt on the truck WILL NOT loosen- so my dad calls it names, tries to shame it into loosening. You dirty rotten son of a b of a thing! That*&^&$ won’t come off! I’ll be a s of a b that thing will not come off of there! Where the H^%$ ‘s the WD- 40!

161 Ted September 24, 2010 at 12:00 am

Dad said:
“Son, don’t let me catch you putting money in your mouth again. People put money in their a$$holes.”

Grandpa said, when you couldn’t find an opening (say during construction or repair):
“Put some hair on it, and you’ll find it.”

162 LP Beron September 24, 2010 at 12:18 am

“I’ve seen a lot of guys try what you’re doing; nobody’s made it yet. Now start getting home before the morning paper.”

163 JoshJuiceWelch September 24, 2010 at 12:37 am

My Dad flew out to visit a while back and while he was here we took a drive to visit my wife’s parents. During our drive we stopped at a place on hwy 88 that has always advertised Beer and Pie (and awesome combo in my book). I stayed with the car and waited for my Dad and wife to do their business. As they came out of the shop my wife was shaking her head and my Dad had a big grin on his face. I asked “What’s up?”. My dad says, “Boy you should see the t!#s on the lady in there! Man like big flesh pillows. Just leave me here and pick me up when you come back.”

Now when I drive past that place I think Giant Boobs instead of Beer and Pie. Thanks Dad.

164 Chris Paulene September 24, 2010 at 12:50 am

After meeting a woman at church that had six kids, my dad responded with: “Well, sugar, once you git that barn door open, it’s hell to shut!”

165 Cam Pearson September 24, 2010 at 1:16 am

I once introduced my parents to a friend of mine. His girlfriend was out of town so I invited him to come to my parent’s place for the weekend. Upon arrival, he felt instantly at home – discovering my dad’s crude sense of humor. We got to discussing about my apartment and I said;
“Next year i’ll need to move, I need a better view.”
My friend: “True”
Dad: “What do you need a view for? Your apartment is for eating in, sleeping in, and f**king all those pretty girls you take home after getting them pissed.”
My mum was beside herself and my friend didn’t know what to think!

166 Cam Pearson September 24, 2010 at 1:18 am

May your testicles turn into bike pedals and backpedal up your a*s

167 Steve Thomas September 24, 2010 at 1:31 am

Once when driving on a highway, we were stopped beside a young person driving in a brand new Mercedes. This person happened to be African-American. I said something along the lines of, “wow, lucky guy.” To which my dad responded, “With someone like that though you have to wonder where they got the money…”

I quickly darted a gaze towards my dad that exclaimed WTF. At this point he realized what he had said and immediately retracted it and apologized profusely. I wouldn’t say he’s overtly racist at all, but sometimes his age gets the best of him.

168 Zachary Arden September 24, 2010 at 2:44 am

Yelling randomly at the television like it can understand him. Cursing out various sports players, telling them what to do, insisting knowledge beyond his actual level. All the time.

169 Jack September 24, 2010 at 3:00 am

My dad once told me that my homecoming date had a face for radio. In front of her.

170 Dylan Dunne September 24, 2010 at 3:34 am

A few years before my father died, he published a book about the coastal erosion in Louisiana (where we’re from), he worked on it with a photographer that he knew. He was a nationally recognized environmental reporter, and he had a LOT to say on that subject, unfortunately the publisher wanted a lot of photography in it and it ended up being a kind of coffee table book (I’m still proud of him for it though). But after everything was all said and done, and they had produced this really nice book, he was kind of dissapointed about how little actual text he felt ended up in the actual book.

But when we got the books in, he was holding his first published book, obviously gleaming with pride and joy at his accomplishment, and he looked around the kitchen to the family, and said in the most sincere sounding voice, “You know guys, I feel like the lead singer in the instrumental band of the year”. And then he just smiled and waited for everyone to catch it.

He never told us how long he had waited to say that.

171 Travis September 24, 2010 at 6:14 am

We were watching the news one day and something came on about organized crime. My Dad, who was brought up on a farm, then proceeds to tell me about how he remembered reading in the news paper about the Mob in Chicago. He said, and I quote,”I’ll never forget it, I was about Gavin’s age (my oldest son, 9), and I was driving the hay truck because I was too small to lift the hay bales, and I read about these guys. Oh yeah, I was also smoking a cigar!”
So to summarize, my dad, at age 9, was simultaneously reading the news paper, driving a hay truck, and smoking a cigar!!! And the funniest thing about the whole story is that the smoking and all that other stuff was just secondary, “Oh by the way” type comments.

172 Drew September 24, 2010 at 7:58 am

While watching fear factor with my dad and a few high school friends I got up to answer the phone. The person wanted to talk to my old man, so I called to the next room “hey dad, pick up the phone”, I was ignored three times before I walked into the living room to deliver the message personally. “hey dad someone is on the phone for you” I told him as I settled back onto the couch, but still no acknowledgment. I reached over and tapped him on the shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his trance and said
“oh, sorry I was distracted by her fascinating breasts” pointing to a contestant in a red bikini.

173 Jack September 24, 2010 at 8:38 am

A favorite of my old man’s: “Touch that and you’ll pull back a bloody stump.”

174 PuterPrsn September 24, 2010 at 9:19 am

“I hate people. People are cr@p. I don’t like being around them. Even the yard guy irritates.”

175 Neele September 24, 2010 at 9:49 am

My dad once told me that if God intended man to play soccer, he would have put thumbs on our feet.

176 John September 24, 2010 at 10:01 am

My father had (has) a standard response to any complaint about having to mow the grass, clean up my room, haul hay, etc. He would always say “It builds character.”
It became a game with my brother and me to guess when that little phrase would pop out.

That statement is perfectly true, appropriate, and a timeless snippit of wisdom.

177 WD September 24, 2010 at 11:08 am

“I made you and I can make another one just like you.”

178 WD September 24, 2010 at 11:12 am

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

179 Scott Bridwell September 24, 2010 at 11:16 am

Deep Southern accent “now if I had that and you had a feather up your ass, we’d both be tickled”

180 Scott Bridwell September 24, 2010 at 11:19 am

Two more…

“I’ll jerk your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it” and “I’ll stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry”

181 Will Russell September 24, 2010 at 11:44 am

When I was sixteen my mom found a condom in my pocket when doing laundry on a Sunday morning. She was crying all morning about it. My dad decided to give me a talk on the way to church that morning. Here is the advice he gave me:

“Son, you can have fun with a girl without stickin’ it in her.”

182 Graham September 24, 2010 at 12:17 pm

My dad used to (and still does) walk up behind my mom and pinch her butt chanting, “Im pinching your mommy’s tushy, Im pinching your mommy’s tusshy” in a sing song voice.

183 Pete Miller September 24, 2010 at 12:31 pm

On my dad’s 47th birthday week this year, my dad and I were watching a marathon of “The Andy Griffith Show” that was in honor of 50 years of the show being on the air while passing the bong back and forth maybe a little too much, when he looks at me and says, “That means I was -3 years old when the Andy Griffith Show came on the air.”

184 Josh Calkin September 24, 2010 at 12:40 pm

My father, on giving fatherly advice:

“Son, the reason I’m telling you all this now is because I have to do it before you start dating; once you get your d**k wet, you won’t care about anything I have to say from then on.”

185 Nic Persinger September 24, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I’m skipping a generation to my Grandpa Sonny. Sorry, Dad.

When I was a kid we were having a family dinner with everyone over, which is a very, very rare occasion. Sitting next to papaw and preparing for the feast, I realized her had a tattoo of a topless woman on his forearm. After staring at and excited about the fact that anything related to boobs was close to me, my curious mind of 9 years old decide to ask Papaw about it. “Oh this? I’ve had it for years and years, I can even make her jiggle ‘em for ya!” Half way through my personal jiggle show, the veteran and retired coal miner, decided to laugh and say “Damn, I wish your grandma still looked that good topless!”

Obviously, I passed on dinner. Thanks Papaw, you’re the man.

186 Matt Robb September 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm

This is comment made to me by my father-in-law the first time we were introduced.

During the early months of our courtship my wife invited me to dinner with her family to celebrate her birthday. This would be the first time meeting her father. Upon arrival at the restaurant we were informed the Derek (my father-in-law to be) was finishing up a golf tournament an would be running late. After waiting an hour we went ahead and ordered without him. Derek arrived about 20 minutes later. To put it lightly an afternoon of golf and drinking in sun had not been kind to him. Derek shook my hand looked me right in the eye and said “It’s nice to meet you. There are three thing you should know about me. I’m a hunter, I used to live in a very isolated area way up north and if you ever hurt my daughter I know where to make a body disappear.”

Good thing we got married. We joke about it know but I’m pretty sure the promise still stands.

187 Myles September 24, 2010 at 1:28 pm

My dad once said to me “Never trust a man who wears a hat”, i’m still trying to figure out what it means but it seems like sage advice.

188 JonM September 24, 2010 at 1:32 pm

When in highschool i drove an old stationwagon my dad sold me. I was at a basketball game and left early to give a girl a ride home. When I got home my dad was waiting for me. Seems my kid sister saw me leave early with a girl. Dad asks ” your not porking that little blonde girl in the back of that stationwagon are you?” I truthfully said “Nope”. Dad says ” Well why the hell not?!?”

when ever I would ask for advice- “roll with the punches”

After the garbage man backed his truck into our fishing boat and then leaving, my dad called the trash company and the truck driver came over mad as could be to deny it was him. The guy was stroming away after a heated arguement with my old man. Dad says I don’t like being lied to. Trashman: did you just call me a F*@%ing liar? Dad: No i called you just a regular liar. The dude was twice the size of my dad and had serious anger issues.

189 Tim September 24, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Just before I left for my first year of college my dad said: “Remember son, you can’t get a girl pregnant with your finger.” Yes, I was a bit embarrassed especially since he said it in front of my buddies. We all remember it to this day.

190 Sean O'Brien September 24, 2010 at 1:55 pm

After having my father walk in on me and my girl friend, He was semi forced into giving me the talk and heres how it went. ” Sean I don’t care as long as you wear a rain coat.” Heres another quote from the same talk that freaked me out. “Your mother and I where doing the same thing at your age.”

191 Art September 24, 2010 at 1:55 pm

My Dad always had “words of wisdom” for me, but his most memorable (and the one I still use) was (as he held out both hands, palms up) “son, want in one hand and sh** in the other and see which fills up first.”

192 Michael September 24, 2010 at 2:09 pm

My father was always a soft spoken man. While going through college and my early 20′s he was always curious to know how many of my friends were doing with their life, and when he heard about ones that weren’t falling off the tracks so to speak, he would just say, “what a waste of a brain”. Now, it doesn’t seem much, but I have always taken this to heart and it forced me to think far more about things.

193 Joe P. September 24, 2010 at 2:28 pm

My father before I would leave the house:

“Get your head out yer a$$ and remember dead is forever.”

194 Brett September 24, 2010 at 3:13 pm

When asked about the best way to save money in order to buy a car:
“Boy, you can’t save up money to buy a car. . . It’s like having a baby, you just do it!”

195 Matthew September 24, 2010 at 3:52 pm

“It’s always better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.”

196 John Wishart September 24, 2010 at 4:10 pm

My dad was a strong, tough guy. Funny. Honest. Kind. Never sick a day in his life.
My mother was and still is “on deaths door steps”.
This really bugged him, not that she did not have some reasons, but that it seemed her ailments were the reason for her to exist.
One day I remember him clearly stating “Goddam. I bet you a $100 bucks that women will outlive me son” He passed away 23 years ago, she is still going strong albeit with her many ailments. I never wanted to collect the money nor can I.

197 Taylor September 24, 2010 at 4:11 pm

My dad’s advice on marriage, finance, and choosing the right girl:

“Beauty fades, ugly stays…Go for the money.”

198 Harrison Canon September 24, 2010 at 4:12 pm

When I was younger, my father used to always drive me up to Boy Scout Camp. So one day on the way up we were having a discussion about all different kinds of music. Well at that age I was more into rap, my father was into the whole 1980′s Ronnie James Dio metal stuff. Which I insisted was crap. Well this incited a spiteful lecture about how none of these “Gang-bangers” and “Hood-rats” could sing, or even write a song that isn’t about women, sex, money, or cars. I strongly disagreed; he suddendly decks me in the side of my face, making my head slam against the side window, hearing this sound Dad then proceeds to slam on the brakes, causing my forehead to slam against the dashboard. When I finally came to, he was still driving, looked over at me, and said, “Sh** son, told you rap sucks.”

199 Bryan September 24, 2010 at 5:21 pm

My dad and I used to have long drawn out discussions about politics. He was a lifelong Republican. In my twenties I was a Republican but in my thirties I switched to the Libertarian Party. When I told him of this, he was apoplectic. He told me I was wasting my vote and that I was just trying to piss off the Democrats. His advice to me was to “Go take a sh** in a liberal’s yard and then switch back to the Republican Party.”

200 Steve September 24, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Several years ago when I was in my early teens I asked to go to a concert using the adolescent logic that all my friend’s were going. My smart-ass brother quipped “If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too?”

To this my dad replied “Only if it were a chocolate bridge.” I believe that if I ever figure out what this means, I will gain ultimate enlightenment.

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