Crazy Stuff Your Dad Has Said: The $#*! My Dad Says Sweepstakes

by Brett on September 23, 2010 · 281 comments

in Contest

While we might wish our dad was like Ward Cleaver, most dads are far from perfect. Maybe your dad is more like Archie Bunker or Fred G. Sanford. They loved their families and would do anything for them, but when dispensing fatherly advice they usually ended up saying some crazy, albeit super hilarious stuff. They also had a tendency to blurt out embarrassing stories and opinions at inopportune times, like when a girlfriend came over to meet the family for the first time. Television fathers like Bunker and Sanford have had a lasting impression on pop culture primarily because many people see a bit of their own dad in those characters.

There’s a new show premiering tonight that carries on the tradition of the gruff, yet lovable dad who says the darnedest things. CBS’ $#*! My Dad Says starring William Shatner follows the life of a young 20-something who lives with his cranky 70 year old dad, a man who says exactly what’s on his mind. And what’s usually on his mind isn’t polite.

The show is based on a Twitter account started by Justin Halpern, a real-life 29 year old living with his 70 year old dad. One day, Justin started tweeting all the crazy stuff his dad says. Word of warning: Justin’s dad has a mouth that would make the saltiest of sailors blush. Don’t read the Twitter stream if you’re offended by strong, adult language. Justin’s dad drops more F-bombs than the entire cast did in Reservoir Dogs. You’ve been warned.

The rest is internet history. The Twitter account was turned into a best-selling book and now it’s a show on TV starring William Shatner. Crazy. With the show’s premiere tonight, we’ve got more than a dozen of the best-selling book Sh*t My Dad Says to award some AoM readers. Here’s how to enter for your chance to win one.

The Sweepstakes

To enter, just leave a comment below sharing the craziest, most embarrassing thing your dad has said. Deadline to enter is Thursday, Sept. 30, 2010 at 10PM CST. 15 entrants will be chosen at random to win a copy of the book. I’m looking forward to reading your entries.

Update: I should also mention that we are moderating comments, so it might not show up right when you post. We’ want to hear your crazy stories, but clean it up as much as you can without it losing its impact. Thanks.

Read the official rules for the sweepstakes.

1 Regino Flores September 23, 2010 at 2:43 am

My dad once told me that if I were to ever get a girlfriend……I should have multiple of them….

2 Anthony Pomerleau September 23, 2010 at 2:47 am

I have a fondness for “your mom…” jokes. Somewhere along the line my dad started responding to my jokes with an appropriate witty phrase. such as: -burp- “nice thats attracttive” Dad “your moms attractive!” Me “no my moms kinda dusty and frail now.” hes said some really good ones and now its kinda like a game for he and I.FYI: My Grandmother died when i was 4 and my dad and I have pretty dark senses of humor.

3 Mark Lewis September 23, 2010 at 2:54 am

Two years ago I was home for the summer. My mother left to help my sister and her husband prepare for their first child. One night, after we had both enjoyed a nightcap and an old episode of The Rockford Files, my father fell asleep in front of his computer. I nudged him awake and told him to go sleep in his bed. He groggily answered that he would go to bed when my mother does. I replied, “Dad, she’s in Fort Worth.” To this day I still remember his response. My father, (an established calculus teacher and the most read man I’ve ever met) cocked his head to the side, raised an eyebrow, slipped into a heavily drawled cajun accent, and said: “Boy, whatchoo talkin’ ’bout?” Fantastic!

4 Collin September 23, 2010 at 3:31 am

“Son-never inhale.”
My father never said crazy things, just useful things.

5 Stefan September 23, 2010 at 3:37 am

at family dinner (my girlfriend included).

my Dad: son you should put more time into figuring out what profession you want to have then what girl you want to live with. In the end you will spend far more time at work then with your family.

6 Jonathan Wyant September 23, 2010 at 3:41 am

Once when I was six, my dad and I were in the backyard when I happened upon two bugs…I forget which kind…beetles of some sort…I think…doesn’t matter.
Two attached bugs.
Attached at the ass end.
Sure that I’d made the scientific find of the century, I picked them up and promptly brought them to my father. Proudly displaying my prize I exclaimed, “Look, Dad! SIAMESE BUGS!!!”
Whereupon my father looked at me with an odd mixture of bemusement, disdain, and the constant look of befuddlement that often occupies the visages of fathers of six year old boys, the same look which I’m sure that I’ve given my own six year old son, and bestowed upon me the words of wisdom which I shall never forget…
“Son, put that sh** down. That’s two bugs f***ing”.

7 james September 23, 2010 at 4:21 am

So the funniest thing my dad said to me was on the night of my senior prom in high school. He looked and me and said… “son, I know I’m supposed to tell you to be telling you about you should behave yourself tonight, but I just can’t do it. Go out get messed up and have a hell of a time. And remember, I’m your lawyer so don’t say a word to anyone if you get in trouble.”

8 Chris September 23, 2010 at 4:54 am

I have the fewest of these of probably anyone. My dad doesn’t say anything that’s really out of line, so I just have to say what we say when we’re imitating him.


That’s what he says when you ask him a question, because his hearing is a little off. It’s what he says when he’s excited about something…as in, “We’re having your favorite dinner tonight, Dad.” “WHAT!?”

It’s also what he says when he is expressing displeasure. As in, “Dad, you need to see a doctor about your aching feet.” “WHAT?! I ain’t takin’ no pills, son.”

9 David Buck September 23, 2010 at 4:55 am

When I used to work for my Dad in his engineering company, I would build the prototype electronic circuits and he would test them. On one particular high voltage circuit I had unfortunately introduced a short circuit, so as he switched it on, the circuit shot of the bench with a loud bang, and left a big black burn mark on the wood below. His comment….

More bang for the Bucks.

He is Mr Buck senior, and I am Mr Buck junior !

10 Jon Martin September 23, 2010 at 4:55 am

My dad held one job for his entire career, has never jogged a single mile, and is the default toastmaster in several social circles as he takes his dirty jokes seriously. Some of the words of wisdom he has passed on to me are:

“Don’t f*** up a good hobby by becoming a professional”. This rings in my head daily as I am becoming more adept at my fiddling with a camera. Pros have to take jobs they don’t like to pay the rent or work on bad days, both destroying the pleasure of the activity if it is solely based on lust.

“Sit still, stay healthy” – in response to anyone who has sustained an injury from exercising.

“Spend it wisely, get brown liquor for all of it” – when doling out money, especially to kids.

11 Patrik Dehnavi September 23, 2010 at 5:32 am

Imagine this scene:

5 year old kid (me) hears the blaring of the ice-cream truck and runs to his dad to ask for ice cream. Dad replies (dead serious):
-When you hear that tune that means the ice cream truck is out of ice cream. There’s no use going…

I believed it and never asked any more until I was 8 years old when me friend told the truth. That was just pure evil genius :D

12 William Alexander September 23, 2010 at 5:36 am

At 29 years of age I’ve heard all kinds of craziness from my father. Tidbits of wisdom ranging from “Flys carry disease, keep yours closed”. To “What? You’ve deployed to Afghanistan? Iraq? You think thats crazy? How about your mother she’s Korean!?!” My favorite has been the ongoing ways he’s found to get me “smoked” (being exercised to the point of pain and or exhaustion) by my chain of command since I joined the Army. When I was a young private in Ranger Battalion he’d call my company and ALWAYS using his rank of Lieutenant Colonel back then (he retired as a “full bird” Colonel in March of ’08) he’d proceed to speak to my 1SG or Company Commander, usually both and tell them stories of “way back when” after requesting to speak “my son PFC Alexander ASAP” after getting down to where they were on the phone with my dear old Dad, I’d immediately start getting smoked by the closest NCO as my father would ask after my well being, tell them to “exercise will make him strong” and to ensure that I spoke to my mother regularly. (His favorite thing was to get one of them on the phone and then when I was allowed to get up and speak to him, put my mother on so I’d have to stand there speaking to Mom as she asked me all those wonderfully embarrassing questions one’s mother always asks all whilst my Commander and 1SG would stand there making all kinds of insinuations about the imminent loss of life and limb I would soon experience (all through excellent sign and body language) once my conversation was finished. I loved Afghanistan and Iraq consequently because they couldn’t call me when I was deployed and bombs and bullets were a small price to pay for peace of mind AND body. Now that I’m stationed in Korea and he’s retired but running the Division museum he enjoys regaling all the incoming personnel who are mandated to “visit” the museum about tales of discipline and how he “squared away his Ranger son”. Good times!

13 Dee Long September 23, 2010 at 5:59 am

Whenever my Dad came across someone spouting something stupid or moronic as truth, he would say, “You sound like a man with a paper asshole and a handful of matches.”

14 Mark September 23, 2010 at 6:26 am

I was about 13 and both my brother and I had a tendency to get the family in an uproar when we had to do homework. So one evening we had both my mom and my dad going and they sat us both down and my dad started going sky high. There was some back and forth and then out of the blue my dad says very seriously “that’s it, there will be no more homework in this house”. My brother and I both looked at each other got up and quickly went to our rooms. Later this statement was retracted.

15 Daniel September 23, 2010 at 6:35 am

(To me when I was 17) “I think you might be retarded,” offending my mother, who is/was a special needs educator.

16 John Kovach September 23, 2010 at 6:54 am

My Dad seems to work the phrase “Crazy as a S**t house Bat” into conversation each and every get together now … I find myself waiting for it…

17 Raja Keluskar September 23, 2010 at 7:02 am

My dad once said, “Son, the first girl you screw isn’t the one you are going to marry.”

18 april rhea September 23, 2010 at 7:11 am

When presented with something he found absolutely useless, my father was fond of the expression: “I wouldn’t have that in my ass if I had room for a sawmill!”

19 John Kovach September 23, 2010 at 7:25 am

my father also loves to refer to good looking women as “built like a brick shit-house”… makes me think that there was plenty of shit-house conversation back in the day!

20 Marshall Middle September 23, 2010 at 7:27 am

My dad would break into nonsensible language rather than swearing and make up words often. We were trying to fix something on the car and he was under the hood of our old van and became extremely frustrated after dropping a wrench. He let out a stream of unintelligible content for about three minutes.

21 James Murla September 23, 2010 at 7:34 am

Once my girlfriend and I invited a few friends over for dinner, as well as my parents. One of the friends in attendance was an old friend of mine. Years ago, we had been on a date that turned notoriously sour and since then, it has become somewhat of a legend among our circle of friends. My girlfriend, being fairly new to the group, asked, “Is this the girl you went on that date with?” My dad interjected, “Who HASN’T he been on a date with!?” I was thoughouly embarrassed – he hasn’t been invited over for dinners since then.

22 Sean Graham September 23, 2010 at 7:43 am

Setting: Backyard during of the summer
Father: What’s that on your chest?
Me: It’s just a birth mark
Father: (smiles) Heh, your mother has one in that exact spot
me: *shudders*

23 Dave Tholen September 23, 2010 at 7:47 am

I remember dad saying to me one time during a heated argument; “Son, if I hit you, you are dead and if I miss you’ll die of pneumonia.” That has stayed with me a long time.

24 K. M. Jones September 23, 2010 at 7:48 am

My father had a narrow field of education. He was an accountant, watched a lot of TV and liked sports, and that was about it. He almost never read books, or had any other hobbies that I can recall. I remember asking my dad questions as a kid and his response was almost always “I don’t know, I must have been absent the day they taught that.” Dad though he was being funny, but my brother and I grew up thinking dad must be an idiot, or just skipped school way too much.

25 Caleb Land September 23, 2010 at 7:56 am

My Dad is not vulgar…usually. But when he has to do something embarrassing he gets more vulgar to, I don’t know, break the ice in a Michael Scott fashion. I remember one car ride when my mom had forced him to talk about sex with me. Dad, in Will Ferrell “San Diego” fashion spent half the time describing how “Puntang” was a city in Vietnam. Awesome.

26 Bryan Maslowski September 23, 2010 at 7:57 am

My dad has never been much of a talker, so I don’t know if this counts, but the one of the funniest/most embarissing thing I recall is that one year for Christmas he three bottles of KY in my mothers Chirstmas Stocking. We were all sitting around opening stuff up, and my mother starts pulling these bottles out. My brother and I , and his new wife were shocked to see that as a chirstmas gift durign the family gift opening time, my mother got very red in the face, and my father just started laughing at all of us.

27 dk September 23, 2010 at 8:01 am

My old man had dozens of gems each day, from which I’ve chosen a random sampling:

“when the weather is hot and sticky is not the time to dip your dicky, but when the frost is on the pumpkin – that’s the time for dicky dunkin’” This wasn’t the only sex advice he gave, either, I recall vividly receiving the talk which consisted of “so you insert tab A is slot B. Repeat if necessary” which made him kind of a local hero once word got around.

When he was found dancing in his bathrobe one morning – “For an old man I’ve got moves” which he punctuated with “you’re kind of a horse’s ass”

My father often proclaimed, sometimes to no one in particular, that he did not snore. Once he defied us to prove he snored so we recorded it and played it back to him. As the tape was played the next day, and a cacophony of snoring was heard, he said “you could have taped anyone! This is ridiculous!” immediately afterward he hears himself clearly on the tape saying “tell it to the judge, Nixon” in his sleep. He ended the conversation with “well, f*** you”

28 Dave Lowe September 23, 2010 at 8:05 am

In the winter of 1979, when I was twelve, my (divorced) dad came to Tennessee to visit us boys. He took us walking around Gatlinburg, TN at the shops around the touristy parts of town. We wandered around looking in the windows, snow on the ground, cold hands and cheeks, and our breath clearly visible.

We happened across a store that sold candy, and there was a stainless steel taffy pulling machine in the window that had attracted a small crowd outside. My brother, then six, scurried up to the front while my hipster dad and I stayed back behind the group.

Always snapping a lewd comment, despite my not having a clue what he meant at the time, my dad snickered and said in a stage whisper, “Looks like elephant cum!”

My brother, whom Dad assumed was too far away and engrossed in candy making, suddenly burst out, parroting, “ELEPHANT CUM? WHAT DOES **THAT** MEAN??”

We made a hasty retreat from the candy shop under the glare of the Bible Belters.

29 Ryan September 23, 2010 at 8:11 am

My family went out to an Italian restaurant a few years ago with a friend who had just married a girl from Mexico. While ordering, my dad ordered “puto loco” instead of “pollo loco”. When we told him he’d just ordered a crazy man-whore he covered his face with his menu and was as embarassed as I’ve ever seen him!

30 Bruce Williamson September 23, 2010 at 8:11 am

Once when I was trying to pull a little scam (it was crawling into a bottle but not INSIDE one) that I had learned, I said “I bet your a dollar that I can crawl into a bottle.” My dad replied “I bet you twenty I can kick you into one.”

31 Jeff Pile September 23, 2010 at 8:18 am

My dad always said “It’s better to be silent and thought a fool then to speak and remove all doubt.”

32 Matthew Schmeer September 23, 2010 at 8:22 am

How about this gem from my dad:

“Of course it’s about the size of the wand! Have you ever seen a magician with a three inch wand? Hell no—the bigger the wand, the more the magician can distract her while he works his magic! They don’t call it prestidigitation for no good reason.”

33 Paul H. September 23, 2010 at 8:38 am

My Dad is a mechanic who focuses on farm equipment. We periodically enter antique tractor pull competitions. On one such occasion 4 years ago we were getting ready to depart his shop with my new girlfriend (now my fiance), when he explained to her that she should follow me as I drove the 1949 Farmall H through town to the site of the pull. While doing so, he mentioned the SMV triangle on the back of the tractor stating that other drivers get annoyed by the placard. I was a bit slow on the pickup and asked what the heck that sign meant as I had seem them all of my life, why would other drivers be annoyed? Hid reply was, “Well P.J., it’s not Rocket Scientry, Slow Moving Vehicle.” Yeah, Rocket Scientry.

34 James Halcomb September 23, 2010 at 8:40 am

My Dad’s sex advice: “Son, don’t let your dick make a fool out of you.” Most true piece of advice he ever gave.

35 Peter September 23, 2010 at 8:41 am

My dad once told me, after I got caught by the police, “The next time the police show up – you RUN!”

Another favorit is when I was thinking about buying an apartment that was pretty expensive. I told my dad that i really liked the apartment. He replied “Screw feelings, we’re talking about money here!”

36 Todd September 23, 2010 at 8:41 am

Allowance? Yeah you can have an allowance. I allow you to live in my house, eat my food and wear clothes I buy. Now go cut the grass.

37 Pete Zefo September 23, 2010 at 8:47 am

My dad passed away when I was 15, but the greatest piece of advice he left me was “@#$% always rolls downhill.”

I was then raised by my grandfather who had difficulty pronouncing certain words without a bit of West Virginia Hillbilly twang. Therefore, we avoided going to Mexican restaurants with him because he would inevitably order “fajitas”, but pronounced them “fa-JIE-tas” which sounded too much like female anatomy.

38 Bob Bakker September 23, 2010 at 8:50 am

Coming from a family of do-it-yourselfers, we spent more time under my dad’s car than in it. When things came together on a project it was never “the bee’s knees” or the “cat’s whiskers”, dad would always say it was “slicker than deer guts on a door knob!”

39 Alex September 23, 2010 at 8:50 am

I was telling my dad once on the phone about how the chicken pot pie I was going to have for dinner was about ready to come out of the oven, and I mused about how I was pretty sure eating them on a regular basis wasn’t too good for you, at least according to nutritionists.

My dad: “Nutritionists? Oh, s***, those are just jobs that someone made up so somebody else could have a job. Eat whatever you want, you’ll be fine.”

40 Brandon September 23, 2010 at 8:53 am

“I’ve two-stepped twice in towns you’ve never been too.”

41 Jason Garter September 23, 2010 at 8:53 am

My little brother had a celebration with his cheerleader girlfriend after his football team’s first home win this season . My wife and I were over for dinner with the rest of the family when lil bro decided to break the news to everyone that his girlfriend just found out she’s pregnant.

Mom: WHAT?! How often have you been doing this with your girlfriend!?
Bro: It was just the one time.
Mom: And she’s pregnant?
Dad: *buff’s nails, smiles* Good seed.
Mom: *Hit’s dad with a dinner roll*

42 Ryan Bias September 23, 2010 at 9:02 am

My craziest quote from Dad was actually a sort of tag-team from my father and a fellow scout’s father at a weekend encampment. All the fathers are reminiscing about time spent at that very camp as we’re sitting around a table under our shelter, which causes the following exchange:

Friend’s Dad: Son, no matter what happens, don’t ever, ever light a fart on a bare butt.
My Dad: Or maybe you should, all you boys are as hairy as apes compared to us at that age. Then you guys could maybe get a girlfriend.

43 Gregor September 23, 2010 at 9:13 am

This is one of the many jewels my dad has said:

Me: “Dad, I’m getting married.”
Dad: “You don’t have to marry her just because you knocked her up.”
Me: “Dad, she’s not pregnant.”
Dad: “Then why get married?”

44 Micaiah Paddock September 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

My father, whom is retired military, so the language was always on the bad side. Anytime we were working on a project, be it building or mowing, if I ever so much as suggested what he was doing was wrong or that there might be a better means of doing the task, he would always immediately respond with “Who’s f***ing this dog here, me or you?” The conversation usually went something like this:

Me: “Umm pop I think you are about to cut your finger off with the band saw”
Dad: “Who’s f***ing this dog? Me or you?”
Me: “Ahhhhhhhhhh you!” (Usually eyebrow raised while saying this)
Dad: “That’s what I thought!”

Which to this day I still do not quit understand where or how he came up with that line, but to this day it is still very funny to hear him say it, mostly because of the mental image that it provides and usually is followed by hysterical laughing, by me not him!!!

45 Kretsch September 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

My dad was the biggest gentlemen I knew and was never known for anything “crazy” or saying anything crazy (that I was aware of atleast). He was calm, collected, and stern but not strict, always. Something most wouldnt really expect from a guy who served 23 years in the Navy (RET Chief). His only foul words id ever hear him say were, “Christ all mighty” and “shit.” Which were also few and far between.

We shared many great times together, but some of my favorite times were the wrestling and just general “strength” tests we’d do with each other. He and I used to play this grip game where we’d start out as a handshake, and then squeeze until someone said “ouch!” or “OK! OK!” Naturally, id always lose and he’d say, “What? That didnt hurt me?” That losing streak went on for many years until I got in to my higher teens and eventually got stronger than him and finally beat him. In the midst of my joy, he looked me in the eyes and let out a low toned, “shit” and then smiled.

Unfortunately, he passed 5 years ago at the young age of 49. R.I.P. Dad.

46 Robert Thompson September 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

So my dad sees this pretty girl at a gas station buying a six pack, and what does he say?

“Wow, you’re just like a sailor’s dream aren’t you?”

47 Sean September 23, 2010 at 9:23 am

“You need to F*&% as many girls as you can before you are married becuase then thats it, your done” this was told to me when I was 14.

48 Jeremiah Ellis September 23, 2010 at 9:26 am

Anytime I was hurt and had a scratch when I was a little kid, and even one time after I got 7 stitches from being spiked during a baseball game in high school, my Dad would always respond, “That’s not that bad, I have had worse scratches on my eye!”

49 Chris C September 23, 2010 at 9:27 am

“Go get a flashlight and come with me”

50 Shane September 23, 2010 at 9:28 am

The only thing I remember my dad repeating to us, my sister and I, repeatedly was “Quit dicking around”.

51 Fabiyan September 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

I have three for you. I will do them in order of how old I was…

5 years old
In reference to politics.
“Never agree with anything I have to say.”

8 years old
When I asked him why I never saw him reading.
“When you are successful as me you don’t have to read books.”

20 years old
My younger brother came back from the city and told everyone at dinner (grandma, grandpa, Mom, Aunt, & Uncle) that he was offered drugs by a guy on the street. When asked what he did, he answered “I said no.”
Dad: “Good job. You should never buy drugs from someone you don’t know. Only buy from your friends”

52 Brian September 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

In 2006 my two brothers and I took our father to a St. Louis Cardinal’s game on Fathers Day. It was the first time for any of us in the new Busch Stadium and the first time all three of us boys had gotten to go to a game with Dad at the same time. We have joked with our then 71-year-old Dad for years that his hearing is going.

We were in the middle of a discussion about the new stadium and its features during a rain delay. I held out my hand to catch the rain and said to my father, “Dad, do you think maybe they should have built a dome?”.

He replied with a puzzled look, “You need to call home?”, and held out his cell phone.

My brother gently pushed the phone back to Dad and said in loud and deliberate syllables “Bel-tone”.

Dad never did figure out what we were all laughing about.

53 Josh September 23, 2010 at 9:34 am

On the phone with a friend, talking about recent surgery. It’s Thanksgiving, so the rest of the family is milling about the room as we hear him say (loudly, for our benefit):

“Doctor says I can’t lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, so I’ve got to have Pam hold my pecker when I pee.”

54 T. Madden September 23, 2010 at 9:37 am

We used to have Franks n’ Beans every Friday night for dinner. My dad once told me, when I was 7 or 8 that “eating the potato that comes in the beans was ‘good luck’”. Of course the “potato” is really a chunk of fat. I continued to eat “the potato” until I was roughly 15 or 16 years old and often ran to the pot to eat it out before anyone else would “get it”. He finally let me in on the joke after seeing me eating it for a good 8 years or so. I guess I was too trusting.

55 josh barkey September 23, 2010 at 9:38 am

My dad nicknamed himself “Cho-cho” for my son Mateo (his first grandson) and then helped me teach Mateo to say “Cho-Cho likes cocaine” – which is funny because my dad is a career missionary who does drug-testing for missionary pilots.

56 T Braker September 23, 2010 at 9:40 am

One saying I could always count on my dad to say was, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!”

57 George Scroat September 23, 2010 at 9:43 am

When my parents came to my city for a visit, we were playing trivial pursuit with a bunch of my friends at their place. All told, outside of me and the ‘rents, there were 5 or 6 of my friends there, and we had paired off into teams. My dad was getting frustrated because he wasn’t having good luck with the questions. Finally, he got one he knew and lit up with excitement. After rolling again and moving the piece, everyone commented it was good he finally got one. My dad, glee as can be, said “I’ve been waiting for one I knew. I got so excited it made my sphincter twitch!”.
Everyone there: *erupts in laughter*
Me: *facepalm*

58 Buddy September 23, 2010 at 9:44 am

Two chestnuts from my youth…
Cut your toenails and your socks ‘ill last longer.

Don’t quit your job until you have another one.

59 Will September 23, 2010 at 9:45 am

I remember the first time I put on cologne, hoping to impress a girl. I took the bottle of English Leather, poured a bunch into my hand, and slapped it on, just like on the commercials.

When I walked downstairs, and was on my way out, my dad said “You smell like a French whore.”

Gosh, thanks, Dad! (He was right, of course.)

60 Matthew September 23, 2010 at 9:48 am

“I found these condoms in my drawer, do you want them? It’s not like I’m ever going to use them again.”

61 Daniel September 23, 2010 at 9:51 am

My father-in-law said:

“I vacuum the basement ceiling once a year whether it needs it or not!”

62 Bill September 23, 2010 at 9:52 am

Around the mid to late 1960′s My Truck Driving, Oklahoma born, Country Western loving, Hippy hating dad said to me one time about my appearance. “Damn bell bottoms, long hair, beads, and sandals….next thing you know you’ll be squatting to piss!!

63 M September 23, 2010 at 9:52 am

My dad retired 2 and a half weeks ago (at 55). Leading up to his retirement, he would tease my mom & tell her all the things he was going to spend his buyout money on – like a new harley, a boat, and new camper. He told that that he didn’t want to to have the kitchen, bathroom, hallway, and living room redone in the last few years, that was all her, and now it was his turn to spend some money on the stupid things.

64 Mitch September 23, 2010 at 9:57 am

“Go play in Traffic.”

65 Jackson September 23, 2010 at 9:59 am

While teaching my young nephew how to shoot a rifle, my dad shot a target from a rocking chair and claimed, “I’m a damn good shot for a liberal.”

66 Geoff September 23, 2010 at 9:59 am

Supposedly passed down from his old-man:
Don’t ever get married.
If you do, don’t have kids.
If you do, raise them to be orphans.

67 Chris DeRusseau September 23, 2010 at 9:59 am

My dad (just after Forrest Gump came out) always told me “Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, life is like a sh** sandwich. The more bread you have, the less sh** you have to eat.” Still true to this day.

Keep up the good AoM work.

68 Knut September 23, 2010 at 10:02 am

It seems like every time my family sits down, be it dinner, scripture study, or just playing games, my dad says something ridiculous. Whether it be him calling my brother and I retarded for watching Arrested Development (a show he’s never seen), or that I should be a male model, he’s always got something interesting popping out of his mouth. However, the most memorable was when we were having a discussion about math before one of our family scripture studies.

Dad: (Something about how wonderful math is).
Me: “You know, I don’t really like math. I mean, I’m good at it, but I don’t think it’s fun.”
Dad: “I suppose you don’t like girls either.”

69 Troy September 23, 2010 at 10:02 am

The weirdest, strangest, thing my dad ever told me was in a conversation about an old style US Air Force cover that he had from goodness knows where. I think they called them Garrison caps but I always thought it looked like a crazy hot dog vendors hat. I asked my dad why in the world someone in the Air Force would wear such a goofy looking hat. His response??
“The Air Force people that are astronauts wear these hats while in space to keep their hair from coming out”
I don’t remember how old I was but it was young enough to believe him, so just a little un ya know? To this day he DENIES that he ever told me that!!!! BULL!

70 Adam Christiansen September 23, 2010 at 10:03 am

“You keep thinkin Butch, it’s what your good at.” — Dad’s favorite quote.

71 Scott Wertel September 23, 2010 at 10:06 am

My friend’s dad regarding curfews: “Remember you have a home.”

My dad regarding the sex talk: “I’m to young to be a grandfather.”

Fatherly advice:
In regards to taking chances: “Don’t be scared to shoot from the hip.”
In regards to conflict: “When you’re in one, realize there is no such thing as a fair fight.”

72 Keaton Taylor September 23, 2010 at 10:10 am

A tiny bit of background for this story: My dad left for prison when I was around 8 and I’ve seen him twice since then, so the amount of things I remember his saying are few and far between, but he did leave me with this gem in a phone conversation in 2006. I asked my father why he was in prison again and I swear this is true, I couldn’t possibly make this up, His answer:

“Well son, I’d been hurting so bad – I hurt my back a while ago – and no one had any aspirin in this house I was staying at… so I smoked a little crack…”

Very crazy, mostly insane because he REALLY believed it was fine. The punchline is that it’s impossible to smoke a “little” crack… it’s crack. Not the most uplifting or funny story but bat sh*t insane for sure, haha. My wife almost cried when I told her that story, in hindsight it’s hilarious because it’s so outlandish that someone could think that’s ok.

73 Brad September 23, 2010 at 10:10 am

I asked for some fatherly advice when I went off the college. . . . “don’t eat yellow snow” and “don’t take any wooden nickels” . . . needless to say, I’ve followed his advice.

74 Scott Wertel September 23, 2010 at 10:12 am

OK, one more because it just came to me. Everyone has heard it, but it deserves to be repeated here.

“Measure twice, cut once.”

It applies on so many levels, not just renovating your kitchen or bath.

75 Zack Wilson September 23, 2010 at 10:16 am

We live in Florida and ,as children, spent most of our summers nearly nude. Once, when my brother and I were complaining of the mosquitoes, my dad sang us a little ditty. It went something like this:
“There’s a skeeter on your peter, whack it off.”
We couldn’t stop laughing and soon forgot all about the horde of irritating bugs devouring our blood.

His other favorite saying, usually accompanying some mistake we had just made; was, “Smooth move, Exlax!” For years I had no clue who Exlax was or why my mistakes were smooth. It wasn’t until junior high that I found out Exlax was a brand of laxative.

He had a lot more of them like, “Son, never bullshit a bullshitter.” ,but these are the few that really stuck with me all my life.

76 Cameron T. September 23, 2010 at 10:26 am

This is actually a story about my Dad and his Dad. Not sure if that’s within the bounds of the sweepstakes, but it’s still funny.

My Dad graduated High School on a Friday and started college (in the summer) the following Monday. His father drove him the 9 hours to college. Not a word was said between the two of them the entire drive.

They got to campus and got the dorm room set up. Still in virtual silence. Afterwards, my grandfather asked my Dad to take him to the airport (he was leaving the car with my Dad).

So he drove my Grandfather to the airport. He stopped at the tiny terminal and helped his Dad get the bags out of the car.

The plane arrived and it was time for granddad to go. He turned to my Dad and said, “Boy? Do you know what a rubber is?”

My Dad, very much an introverted, shy teenager still, nervously replied. “Well. Yes sir, I do.”

“Good. Use one.”

And with that, my Grandded got on the plane and left. Those were his prophetic words of wisdom for college. No “I’m proud of you son.” No “I love you.” Just “Use a rubber, kid.”

My Dad has told this story for years. His father was a treasure trove of things like this. When Dad would go home for holidays, he would open the door to his father, who would say “Good to see you! When are you leaving?”

And then there is the perennial favorite, told to a friend of my Dad’s who was visiting: “Boy, do you know what I had when I married my wife? A Hard on!”

My Grandfather died when I was 6. I wish he had lived longer and I could have gotten to know him better. I think we would have gotten along very well.

77 Aaron September 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

My pops loved (loves) him some beer, so I think it’s fitting that my most memorable thing combines beer and sports.

“Golf and Fishing are the two greatest sports in the world for two reasons. You can do both until you die, and both allow you to crack your first beer at 6:30 in the morning”

Truer words were never spoken.

78 David Stith September 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

I’m taking my Dad to a Carolina Panthers football game this Sunday and there is a chance of rain so he sent me a text message on wanting to know where he could acquire some good ponchos that said:
“Seriously, I want a cheap poncho that doesn’t make me look like Walmart sliced turkey breast in a Zip lock bag”

Here’s a screenshot for added effect:

79 M. Karkari September 23, 2010 at 10:31 am

I’ll always remember when my Mom nudged my Dad with an embarrassed whisper that it was time for ‘The Talk,’ to which he looked bewildered, then profoundly uncomfortable, when my Mom whispered he needed to explain something particular to me. I was unceremoniously shuffled into a room, wondering what I did wrong, as my father paced back and forth for what seemed like an eternity. Back and forth. Back and forth. Then he stopped, looked at me dead serious, and said, “Son, sex is bad for your back.” He sprinted from the room, and my eavesdropping Mom was spurred to go out and buy a 24-volume comprehensive encyclopedia on Human Sexuality (which I virtually memorized). It resulted in my correctly teaching all the other ten-year-olds, my classmates, family members, and yes, even my parents, about all matters sexual. It ruined things for my high school sex-ed teachers, who just gave up and let me teach their classes, after their flustered, repeatedly-erroneous attempts were met with derision. Ah, Dad, I did learn that sex is not so bad for you back, after all, at least, not so bad as office chairs and heavy groceries. And wrestling kids. Thanks, Dad.

80 john kovach September 23, 2010 at 10:33 am

though not something he says, as much as how he says it… when my father hears something he believes should not have been said… and this is often, he looks at you as though peering over the top of reading glasses and says “SHUT… (long pause … UP” ! – my brother Jeff and I absolutely love this.

81 john kovach September 23, 2010 at 10:38 am

Though not anything he say’s… it’s important to note that in many stories of the past my father went by the name “Snake” … and in many of these tales he is accompanied by friends with names such as “Taco Bob” and “Chumpah” !

82 Ben Cave September 23, 2010 at 10:40 am

Unfortunately, this isn’t something my dad told me, but when I was visiting a friend and his dad (who’s dad is almost like a second father to me), his mom came into the room, and asked to speak to her husband. They left the room, but we could hear them down the hall. Apparently she found a box of condoms when she was cleaning out the glove box of her son’s car (as a “courtesy”).

Friend’s Mom: “Look what I found in our son’s car.” *shows box of condoms*
Friend’s Dad: “And?”
Friend’s Mom: “You need to talk to him about this!”
Friend’s Dad: “What do you want me to do? Tell him NOT to use them?”

She stormed out of the house, and his dad came back in, sat in his big recliner, put his feet up and said, “Your mother found your condoms and wanted me to talk to you about it.” We were silent. “Thank god you’re wrapping the damn soldier.” We went back to watching football and that was the last that he ever heard about it.

83 Rocco September 23, 2010 at 10:43 am

My dad’s greatest quote:

If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his a$$ everytime he jumped.

That was his answer to any of my “I wish” or “I didn’t know” or “I don’t know” responses

84 Chris W September 23, 2010 at 10:45 am

My dad’s thing is making terrible puns all the time, but what I always remember is how we measure how well a home improvement project is going (or any project for that matter) by how soon and how many times the word c*cksucker has been thrown out. Generally speaking it’s a lot.

My father in law gave me some good ones too when I married his daughter. “Don’t poke the bear” and “no sense getting your ass kicked everyday”

85 Michael L. September 23, 2010 at 10:47 am

My dad isn’t a big fan of babies, at least until they’re old enough to play sports. Upon the birth of my son, we were staring through the nursery window at the hospital, looking at all of the newborns. Dad looks at a few and says “Whoever said all babies are cute hasn’t seen ALL babies.” Nice dad. Real nice.

86 Aeryk Pierson September 23, 2010 at 10:59 am

My father’s verbal threat before physical “discipline” was, “Boy, I’ll stomp your nuts.”

87 KDD September 23, 2010 at 10:59 am

Years ago, I was living in San Francisco’s Mission District. My Dad, Mom and Aunt were coming to pick me up to go sightseeing with them. Mom & Aunt came into the apartment and Dad waited on the street. He was the kind of guy who would absent-mindedly jingle the change in his pocket while he passed the time. I watched from my window as a young Latino walked up to him and asked him something. There was a pause and then I saw my Dad answer, at which point the kid looked at him like, ‘Screw you too, gringo!’ and then stomped away.

Later, I asked Dad what happened. He said that the kid has asked him for spare change. I then asked, what did YOU say, and he says he told him, “I don’t speak English.” — in a very plain, Americanized, mid-western english-speaking accent. I was just glad the kid didn’t take my Dad’s momentary brain-cramp (meaning to say, “I don’t speak Spanish.”) as an insult. Either way, we all had a good laugh about it that day and even now, years after Dad’s passing, the encounter of ANY generalized misunderstanding is often met with the rejoinder, “I don’t speak English.”

88 Mark September 23, 2010 at 11:02 am

My father always raised me to treat girls with the upmost respect. If he ever overheard me making dirty jokes with friends or making inappropriate comments about a girl, he would say something to me about being a gentleman.

So when I introduced my parents to a girl I dated back in college for the first time, he had this to say to me:
“Just remember, put it on before you put it in.”

As they say, father knows best.

89 Tim R. September 23, 2010 at 11:03 am

My freshman year in college- let’s just say I wasn’t doing as well as I could have been doing. So he came up to visit one day and brought some promotional pamphlet for the marines and a toy trash truck and put them on my desk. He said “you’re choice if you don’t straighten up your act”. I straightened my act up real fast.

90 Lyons September 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

I’ve got two classics…

1.) Me (at 8 years old): Dad, why do people speak different languages?
Dad: Back in the day, some $%*^heads got together and decided to build a building to heaven. So God says, ‘I don’t think so, you guys go f*#@ yourselves, you all speak different languages now.’

It didn’t occur to me until much later that he was paraphrasing the Tower of Babel story from the Bible.

2.) When teaching me how to pee standing up…
“Son, no matter how you wiggle, or how you dance, that last $*&%ing drop is going to land in your pants.”

91 Travis L September 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

“Once society collapses, the only 3 commodities will be guns, booze, and women. And he who has the guns and booze will get the women.”

92 Rob September 23, 2010 at 11:13 am

At the Dinner Table

Mom: So, Brian, how was learning to drive stick with Dad?
Brian (glaring at Dad): Fine.
Dad: What!? I was really nice today!
Brian: I believe your exact words were:”You are starting to act retarded.”

93 bj September 23, 2010 at 11:38 am

Referring to a straight-laced friend of my, my Dad said, “That kid wouldn’t say s#!+ if he had a mouth full.”

94 Walter September 23, 2010 at 11:39 am

My father never washed his hands after using the bathroom, telling people, “The army taught me not to piss on my hands.”

95 Daniel Curry September 23, 2010 at 11:47 am

Here’s two:

Figures don’t lie, but liars sure can figure.
Always protect your health and your integrity. Once they’re gone, you can’t get them back.

96 Dan September 23, 2010 at 11:49 am

Just after graduating highschool my dad met my girlfriend for the first time. We were packing my car for the beach and I introduced them right as he got home from work. My dad wanted to talk to me and sent her to finish packing with a tap on the ass. He put his arm around my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “oh shes beautiful but im going to give you some advice my dad gave me once; you cant get her pregnant with spit.” Its been a few years but its still been the most sincere advice he’s ever given me.

97 Jon September 23, 2010 at 11:52 am

My Dad on relationship advice:
I’m driving home after taking my Dad out for Mexican food on his birthday. My phone rings, and it’s him:
Me: Hey Dad, what’s up?
Dad: Hey Jon. I know you’ve been havin’ some trouble with your girl (it’s true, I was), but I’ve got a few years of livin’ on you. Now I want you to do somethin’ for me.
Me: Ok, what’s that?
Dad: Now, you know my favorite band.
Me: …Lynyrd Skynrd?
Dad: When you get home, I want you put on that album that I bought you, and listen to two songs, Simple Man and Free Bird, all the way through.
Me: Are you serious?
Dad: Jon, you are just a simple man and a bird she cannot change!
Me: Is that really the best advice that you can give me?
Dad: ‘s all I got, son.
Me: Thanks Dad, happy birthday.
Dad: You’re welcome, drive safe now.

98 Ryan September 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm

A few years back my father came into my room looking for a belt and found me in bed with a lady friend of mine in our birthday suits. Later that day he stops me and tells me, ” You can be a cocksman(lady’s man) all you want, just not under my roof.” Well that was the first time I heard that term, and I just nodded my head.

99 Doug September 23, 2010 at 12:10 pm

When I was little, my parents had a standing rule that you held one of their hands when crossing the street, walking in a parking lot, etc.. It came to be known as the “assphalt rule”.
One day, I was in a parking lot without holding a hand. My father extended his hand to be held and I ignored it. He explained that, “you better have a hand when you’re on asphalt or I’m going to put my hand on your ass and it will be your fault”.
Thus, the “assphalt rule”.

100 Salvador Curiel September 23, 2010 at 12:15 pm

When I was in elementary school my dad told me: “You can say “s***”, all it means is poop.” It got me in trouble from teachers when I blurted that word out.

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