Crazy Stuff Your Dad Has Said: The $#*! My Dad Says Sweepstakes

by Brett on September 23, 2010 · 281 comments

in Contest

While we might wish our dad was like Ward Cleaver, most dads are far from perfect. Maybe your dad is more like Archie Bunker or Fred G. Sanford. They loved their families and would do anything for them, but when dispensing fatherly advice they usually ended up saying some crazy, albeit super hilarious stuff. They also had a tendency to blurt out embarrassing stories and opinions at inopportune times, like when a girlfriend came over to meet the family for the first time. Television fathers like Bunker and Sanford have had a lasting impression on pop culture primarily because many people see a bit of their own dad in those characters.

There’s a new show premiering tonight that carries on the tradition of the gruff, yet lovable dad who says the darnedest things. CBS’ $#*! My Dad Says starring William Shatner follows the life of a young 20-something who lives with his cranky 70 year old dad, a man who says exactly what’s on his mind. And what’s usually on his mind isn’t polite.

The show is based on a Twitter account started by Justin Halpern, a real-life 29 year old living with his 70 year old dad. One day, Justin started tweeting all the crazy stuff his dad says. Word of warning: Justin’s dad has a mouth that would make the saltiest of sailors blush. Don’t read the Twitter stream if you’re offended by strong, adult language. Justin’s dad drops more F-bombs than the entire cast did in Reservoir Dogs. You’ve been warned.

The rest is internet history. The Twitter account was turned into a best-selling book and now it’s a show on TV starring William Shatner. Crazy. With the show’s premiere tonight, we’ve got more than a dozen of the best-selling book Sh*t My Dad Says to award some AoM readers. Here’s how to enter for your chance to win one.

The Sweepstakes

To enter, just leave a comment below sharing the craziest, most embarrassing thing your dad has said. Deadline to enter is Thursday, Sept. 30, 2010 at 10PM CST. 15 entrants will be chosen at random to win a copy of the book. I’m looking forward to reading your entries.

Update: I should also mention that we are moderating comments, so it might not show up right when you post. We’ want to hear your crazy stories, but clean it up as much as you can without it losing its impact. Thanks.

Read the official rules for the sweepstakes.

201 Zach September 24, 2010 at 7:28 pm

My Dad: Each year a new Baby New Year is born. He takes care of the year and grows up to be Father Time for Christmas. Then, there is a new Baby New Year.
My Sister [age four]: Where does Father Time go?
My Dad: They take him out back, stand him up against a brick wall and shoot him.

Several months later…

My Sister [still four years old]: What happened to Jesus then?
My Dad: He stayed inside for a whole week. Then he came out of his cave and saw his shadow. He was so scared that he went right back in and it was winter for six more weeks.

202 Brent Dotson September 24, 2010 at 8:00 pm

I really would have liked to win this book, but since my father was a child abuser to the max (and I have the physical and emotional scars to prove it), I don’t have any witty sayings or whatever.

On the other hand, I can remember my grandfather saying (when somebody denied passing gas), “A jackass never smells his own farts”

203 Harrison Allen September 24, 2010 at 8:17 pm

“I’ve done some crazy things too. I once went a week without shaving in the Navy.”

204 Joey September 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm

I remember my dad saying “Son, I think the older you get the dumber you get.”

205 Brooks Deisher September 25, 2010 at 12:00 am

Where to begin. My dad has said a lot of golden things in my life. I could easily start a blog about it that would probably be worth the time. But I think the best advice my dad ever gave me was

“Brooks. Be nice to your sister…. you are probably going to need an alibi some day.”

206 Robert Black September 25, 2010 at 12:21 am

Boy, I’ll turn you every way but loose. (Usually said when we were horsing around and wrestling) Also as I got older and would begin to win the impromptu matches I might hear, “Stop it! You’re hurting my fat!”

207 Zachary S. September 25, 2010 at 12:35 am

My dad once told me: “If we wanted you to read the Bible, we would have made you Baptist.”

208 Pete September 25, 2010 at 1:05 am

“Everything you need to know in life you can learn from Star Trek…and the Bible…in that order.”

209 Phil September 25, 2010 at 3:02 am

My Dads favorite saying was “Its time to sh** or get off the pot”

210 Casey Cable September 25, 2010 at 3:11 am

I brought a girlfriend home from College who was Samoan and introduced her to my dad. The first thing he said is, “Samoan huh, so you must be related to some of those pirates that I have been hearing about who are hijacking ships in the indian ocean?” (he was referring to the SOMALIAN Pirates… not samoan)

211 Chuck September 25, 2010 at 3:54 am

The day we brought my oldest son home from the hospital, my Dad handed me a small gift wrapped box. The box contained a set of plastic baby keys. My Dad looked over at me and said – “I just hope I can be there when he asks you for the keys to the car!”

212 Nick September 25, 2010 at 4:21 am

While visiting my grandfather in the nursing home, my father and I were told he was in the “celebration room” with the class of 4th graders from the local Lutheran school that had come to visit the residents. Upon entering the room, my father looks around, and the first words out of his mouth (in front of the elderly and the kids) were: “What kind of celebration room is this? There aren’t even any strippers!”

To which my grandfather responded “I knew we were missin’ something!”

213 Jonathan Manor September 25, 2010 at 7:12 am

Sounds appetizing. I love old people who say offensive stuff, a lot funner than old people who need to get their diapers changed every hour.

214 Matthew R. Jones September 25, 2010 at 8:03 am

“If sh** was worth anything the poor man would be born without an asshole.” – Dad

215 Survivor September 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm

While repairing a lawnmower my Father asked my brother to hold the wire away from the spark plug and see if there was a spark when he pulled the starter cord. My brother held the wire about a foot away and Dad said,

“Your’e holding it too far away. the spark won’t come blazing out of there like a lightning bolt. It won’t be any bigger than a nit on a gnat’s nut”.

216 Jeremy Pirtle September 25, 2010 at 12:40 pm

This from my granddaddy…”it’s all pink on the inside”…He’s right.

217 Adam Johnson September 25, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Picture this… I’m a young kid (5-6 I guess) going to my first funeral. So naturally I’m nervous about seeing my first dead body and I voice my concerns to my father. His response was words of wisdom that I didn’t quite understand for some time, but always remembered. He said, “Son. You will go to a lot of funerals in your life, but its the last one that’s a real kicker”. He then laughed as my mom hit him for saying something so disrespectful.

218 Clent September 25, 2010 at 2:43 pm

“Hope you don’t have any girls. When you have a boy, you only have to worry about one dick in town…when you have a girl you have to worry about every dick in town.”

“Don’t marry a woman for looks…marry a woman who can cook. Looks fade but cooking only gets better with time…and when you get to my age it is really the only thing that matters.”

“Stay away from skinny girls. Look for a girl who will be good for birthing you some children.”

My dad once told me that my girlfriend had nice “assets” much to my mother’s surprise. She asked him why he was looking at my girlfriend to which he replied…”He is my son, I have to make sure he is making the right choices, and son…I am proud of you!”

I love my dad!

219 Frank September 25, 2010 at 4:56 pm

“Fat girls have the best p^ssy”

220 Nick September 25, 2010 at 5:00 pm

When I was 15 I asked out my first girlfriend to prom. When we got to the high school, my dad, in front of the building and everyone at the prom, handed me two condoms and said “Here son, I don’t want these to make it back home and they BETTER not go to waste.” I wanted to die right then and there.

221 Chris from Carver September 25, 2010 at 6:15 pm

When I moved into college, my parents were with me. My roommate extended his hand to my hand, but my dad didn’t shake it. He then said, “I’ll be talking to you later.” The only problem, he never spoke to him again. Whenever he asked my roommate asked me about it, I just had to shake my head.

222 Rick G September 25, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Absorbine Jr. was my Dad’s answer to anything that ails you. Sore muscle -Absorbine Jr. , bug bite – Absorbine Jr., athletes foot – Absorbine Jr. You should have seen the look on our Dr.’s face when I told him I had been putting it on my broken hand.

223 Dan Price September 25, 2010 at 7:31 pm

One day my mother was trimming my fingernails since I hadn’t mastered using my left hand to trim the nails on my right hand at the age of 6. My father saw this and said, “You know son, if you work hard enough with your hands, you should never have to trim your fingernails.” You know to this day I still don’t know what he meant.

224 Pete H September 25, 2010 at 11:11 pm

My dad didn’t really have funny sayings that he said all the time, just a predictable sense of humor. He did, however, give some good advice. My favorite is this:

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

I didn’t realize how true that was until I moved out and joined the Navy. It’s still fresh in my mind and driving me everyday to make everything I’m involved in at least a little bit better.

225 Danielle September 26, 2010 at 12:00 am

My dad is terribly uninteresting. All he ever says is “dont go away mad just go away”.

226 Frank Kerner September 26, 2010 at 1:00 am

The most embarassing thing my dad has said is when I was about 11 or 12. We went to the store before we both went swimming at a relative’s house. We go up to the lady in the swimwear sections and he says, “Excuse me, but do you have any thongs that would fit him?” Neither I or the lady knew he meant swimming shoes! SO EMBARASSING!

227 Col. Mike Sacher September 26, 2010 at 1:34 am

Dad would say “Never kiss a speeding train” and “Never tell a State Trooper , ‘Make me”‘.

228 Tom Bogart, Jr. September 26, 2010 at 5:38 am

I swore in front of my family one time when I was about 12. My dad turned to me and said, “Watch your fucking mouth!”

229 Amanda S September 26, 2010 at 9:17 am

My dad, a learned “cook,” had decided to give me advice about preparing canned beans:
“Make sure to give ‘em a real good rinse… you’ve gotta wash all the fart off ‘em!”
Thanks Dad, but how will I have Blazing Saddles-esque farting competitions around the campfire with my friends otherwise???

230 Jorn N September 26, 2010 at 11:17 am

When running out of arguments in a discussion my dad will end it by saying some crazy $#*!. I.e.:

“Go $#*! in the ocean!”

“Go knock your head against the wall!”

“Go flush your head in the toilet!”

“Go play on the highway!”

231 Mario September 26, 2010 at 12:00 pm

Once my dad decided he was going to “run away” after having a small stroke (less sad then it sounds). He called me while on the run for 24 hours to tell me he was running away to live in the mountains with John Wayne.

When I asked him what to do with his dog he told me to send the dog to him.

When I asked where my father was he caught on to my plan and responded:

“Oh screw the dog he is a god damn communist anyways” and he hung up.

232 Jared L. September 26, 2010 at 1:09 pm

So, me and my family go out to dinner one night, at a fairly nice steakhouse, and we order appetizers. This place was known for large portions, and indeed, they were quite large. What must be understood is my father talks pretty loud; part of his job is over-seeing factories, so he can’t help it that much. Not great for the public, though, and it has lead to some greatly embarrassing moments, like the one I’m telling you. So we get the food, and my dad, being the funny man he is, makes a completely irreverent statement: “Man, this could feed an entire Korean family for years!” I thought it was pretty funny, till I saw the Korean family sitting directly across from us. Of course my dad was on a roll, and he kept going with his awful (but admittedly hilarious) jokes till we could stop him and point out the group of angry faces glaring at us. Just another reason why I love my Pa so much.

233 Derek September 26, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Me(as an 11 year old boy): So why does uncle Jim date her if he never wants to marry her?

Dad: Uh, eh, you will see when you get older.

234 Mack September 26, 2010 at 2:39 pm

I’m 12 yrs old:
Dad: I got an offer on a parrot today.
Me: Can it talk?
Dad: No, but if you blow up its ass, it’ll whistle.

235 John H Sylvania OH September 26, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Women are like ice cream! and Baskin Robins has 31 wonderful flavors. Try them all before you decide which one is your favorite

236 saeed September 26, 2010 at 5:45 pm

During an afternoon snack my father called me over and said, “So, you are going off to college next week? Ok. Sit down, let’s talk about this. While you are at school, I want you to focus on your studies. There is going to be a lot going on there but you need to remember that there are three NO’s:
No Drugs
No Smoking
and No Alcohol.”

I thought about it, “hmm…well what about having sex with multiple women that i don’t know?”

“…. Remember, there are 3 NO’s: No drugs, No smoking, and No alcohol.”

237 Tom September 26, 2010 at 8:18 pm

My Dad is a retired Italian cop from Camden, New Jersey. Many funny things have come out his mouth. If someone farted in the car, his favorite retort was, “Jesus Christ, that could knock a bulldog off a meat truck!”

Once, a gut cut him off in traffic and they argued until my Dad pulled his car over. The other guy got out and came at my Dad with a baseball bat. Dad calmly got out of his car, drew his .45 and said, “Swing at a few of these mother-fu@$er.” The guy promptly turned white, dropped the bat and sped away.

238 Aaron September 26, 2010 at 8:25 pm

My father isn’t a man of many words, but he has one saying that I found absolutely mortifying for most of my childhood. My father is a very large man, sports a beard, and doesn’t speak. He could probably pass as a double for Fidel Castro. Anytime he let out an audible fart or belch and someone gave him an odd look he would stare them down and basically grunt, “its natural – get over it.”

239 Kenneth September 26, 2010 at 8:38 pm

Whiskey Tango Rock and Roll!!

240 Denny Symes September 26, 2010 at 9:35 pm

My dad was an immigrant from Switzerland who grew up on a farm. He used to tell some funny stories, but one sticks out. He was telling about how a rooster they had on the farm was pretty aggressive one night. And that it made the mistake of attacking him when he was young. He said, “…so I grabbed that old banty by the hair of its head…” My mom and I both imagined a rooster having some elaborate hairstyle. We started laughing and couldn’t stop. He couldn’t understand why we were laughing at his serious story.

241 Denny Symes September 26, 2010 at 9:56 pm

My dad also once told me during a “Never talk to strangers” speech: “If it’s a man trying to touch you, kick him in the nuts and run. If it’s a woman, let her…”

242 Tom O. September 26, 2010 at 10:51 pm

At my Father’s birthday dinner, we were discussing the fact that my wife wanted to have a “Bahama Baby” during our trip in July. When my Father asked, “what is a Bahama Baby?” as if it were some sort of alcoholic drink, my sister-in-law chimes in and explains that meant we would conceive the baby in the Bahamas. A moment goes by and my Dad turns to me and says, “You were a ski trip baby.” Thanks, Dad. Happy Birthday.

243 elizabeth p September 26, 2010 at 11:34 pm

Every time my dad goes shopping and they ask him if he wants a bag he replies “No, I left her in the truck already”.

244 Erick R September 27, 2010 at 12:07 am

I was in the car with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my girlfriend. My dad is asking her all sorts of questions about school and she tells him to keep the questions coming. Then he says, “So what do you do when Erick is feeling frisky?” My mom yells out my dad’s name in shock while my brother laughs and my girlfriend gives a look of complete disbelief. Then my mom awkwardly says, “So, uh, do I turn left or, uh, right?”

245 Ronald Squire September 27, 2010 at 10:21 am

While on the phone with a girl in high school (before the cell phone explosion), my dad would get on the phone and say one of two things, “Hey Ronnie, you gotta get the plunger and come unclog the toilet” OR “Hey Ronnie, Mom’s ready to give you your bath, hurry up…she’s been waiting!”….always trying to embarrass me.

246 Mikey B September 27, 2010 at 10:58 am

My dad has a habbit of saying “Just let daddy do it” any time that I’m having a difficult time with something (working on the car, various projects that we worked on together)….this became a curse as I left for college and began bringing a few women home to meet the parents. There were many uber embarrasing times that he used this phrase in the company of one of these newer girlfriends that I was trying to impress. The climax was definitley when trying to trailer our boat on an extraordinarily windy day. He defaulted to his favorite phrase (“Just let daddy do it”) so before I did soemthing dumb like throwing him into the lake….her and I dissapeared on the lake for about four hours, leaving him at the boat ramp. I won.

247 Tarcas September 27, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Anyone who doesn’t speak clearly “Sounds like a manure salesman with a mouth full of samples.”
I also saw someone else who mentioned this, but my father used the phrase “smooth move, Exlax” as well. Like the other person who mentioned it, I had no idea what Exlax was for many years.

248 VrySnky September 27, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Weekend after graduating high school, at Outback in Athens, GA.
“Son, you’re out of school, it’s time to be a grown up, your mother and I would like grandchildren; you need to start F*<#ing something!"

249 Mitchell Grogg September 27, 2010 at 8:25 pm

As a young child I remember complaining pretty constantly about the number of rules I had to follow, most of which I thought to be stupid, unnecessary, and simply reiterations of common sense. He always would reply telling me, “Ninety-nine percent of the rules are made for the one percent of people who aren’t going to follow them.”

250 Kenneth September 27, 2010 at 9:16 pm

On my 23rd birthday which was 2 years ago my father called me at around 6AM to make sure I wasn’t sleeping in and to wish me a happy birthday. He said “If I was 23 again I believe I’d be gay and buy up a bunch of copper…” Why? I asked. “Gay so I wouldn’t have to deal with women and hell copper is going for 3 dollars and a quarter a pound!” he promptly responded.

251 Arlen Jay September 27, 2010 at 9:55 pm

One of my favorites actually came from my Grandfather who was a barber. I would occasionally spend the day with him in the barber shop. About mid-afternoon when things were slow, he would kick back a barber chair and say “wake me up if it starts to rain, I can’t sleep while it raining”. Took me a long time to figure that one out. Actually, I’m still not too sure about it.

252 kafkaBro September 28, 2010 at 2:03 am

My Dad has the ability to imagine the most bizarre bad outcomes. He tends to err on the side of caution, most likely because of the kafka-esque scenarios perpetually inhabiting his mind. I recently moved to another part of the country to start a job. I was looking for a room to rent and found a girl who runs a photography studio. I told this to him on the phone. He paused, exhaled heavily, and said “Aren’t you afraid that there’s going to be porn stars there?” It seemed so incredibly obvious to him.

253 Dan Bellor September 28, 2010 at 5:06 am

Dad: Looks like your losing some weight there son.
Me: Yeah dad, changed my diet around. Less carbs, more protein and all the fruits and vegetables I can eat.
Dad: I bet your sh*tting like an orangutan huh?
Me: ……sure, dad.


My dad’s advice on women: “there all the same when they’re doing a handstand.” Inspiring….

254 Cody September 28, 2010 at 10:43 am

My Dad say’s a lot of funny stuff but what has always stuck with me were his rules concerning women. He said:

“Now there are 3 rules for women. If you always follow them, you’ll always be good.
Rule number 1: Always be nice. Even be nice to the ugly ones, because the ugly ones have cute friends, and they all talk to eachother.
Rule number 2: Always listen. If you keep your ears open, you’ll know everything you need to know.
And then he said he’d have to tell me the 3rd rule when I was older. A couple years ago I found out what the third rule was…
Rule number 3: Be able to eat pu**y like a champ. If you can do that, you’ll always be popular with the ladies.

You’re awesome Dad.

255 kelly o September 28, 2010 at 1:42 pm

“once a skunk, always a skunk…”

256 Dave September 28, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Not really funny, but figured I would share, I have never heard my father swear (so far) in my life (I’m 25), and that has always impressed me.

257 Dustin Lewis September 28, 2010 at 4:45 pm

These are the exact words my dear old dad used to warn me and my 6 siblings about the threat of kidnappers at the traveling carnival:

“Stay close to me and your mother when we’re at the carnival, or some sick pervert will take and shove his pecker in your ear.”

Needless to say that put the fear of God in us and none of us were ever abducted.

258 Sergio September 28, 2010 at 5:14 pm

While cleaning out the garage with my dad once, I asked my father why a stack of newspapers was so heavy, to which he replied, “It’s not the paper…it’s the words.”


259 Joseph Page September 28, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Once I was helping my father paint the house. After I finish one side he came over to see how I was doing. After stepping back and inspecting the job I had done he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “son if you want to make a good living, DON’T BE A PAINTER!

260 Chris September 28, 2010 at 8:15 pm

My dad would put butter on EVERYTHING he ate. Including spaghetti. I mentioned that I had never seen anyone else ever do that one afternoon as we were preparing some leftover spaghetti. “Helps at the top end and the bottom end.” I stopped following his spaghetti example then and there.

261 Andrew September 29, 2010 at 12:00 am

“That man is so smart, if you put his brain in a chicken, he could pick up corn with his assh*le.”

262 dawn h September 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

when growing up my dad was relaxing in the lawnchair drinking a beer and watching us clean up the yard so he could mow it. I asked him why he wasn’t helping to pick up the branches and stuff he said he had six kids for a reason so he wouldnt have to do the menial sh** anymore.

263 George September 29, 2010 at 12:54 am

When I was seventeen I had job as a lifeguard at the YMCA Pool near our home. Anyway I was on break and decided to pry open a can with a fork after an unsuccessful attempt with a can opener. Sure enough I cut my index finger open and had to call my dad to come get me. My dad over the phone says, “Do you really need stitches.” My reply is I can see my tendon and bone from the cut. Dad’s response is, “You will probably just get one or two stitches.” He picks me up and we go to the ER. I come out with twelve stitches. So I ask him about his one or two stitch prediction and he looks over at me with a serious face and says, “The doctor was just being nice in giving you an extra ten stitches to help your pride out.” I look back at him blankly, when he pauses and then says “when having to explain to people what the f&^k you did with a fork and a can. Son I can say this, you are not going to follow in my footsteps as an engineer if you can’t use tools and leverage.”

Secondly, when he bailed me out of jail. “Son, you have to be my most expensive child, but I love you.”

264 Kari Follett September 29, 2010 at 6:26 am

My dad once said to me while I was cooking dinner “your butt is like crisco, fat in a can!” I DIED.

265 Summer September 29, 2010 at 2:31 pm

My apartment got broken into when I lived in college. My parents came to help me and my roomates get everything cleaned up and fixed. My mom was trying to put together a table that had been broken and she asked my dad for a screw. My dad said “not now, maybe later”. In front of my roomates!! How embarrassing.

266 Link September 29, 2010 at 2:37 pm

My dad has said a lot of things, and I doubt he’ll ever stop… Here are a few that I love and like to share.

When I was younger, a comedian said the best way to diffuse any situation with parents is to just yell at them, “Aren’t you getting enough sex!?” so my dad (He likes to try and push buttons for fun) was being a pain one night. I looked at him, dead face serious and went “Dad, don’t you think you’re getting enough sex?”. His facial expression changed to dead serious as well and then he goes “Why yes. Actually, I think tonight I’m going to have sex with my wife. How’s your hands by the way?”. I was speechless. I had no exit plan for that one.

While I was dating my ex, my dad said one day to get a look at her mother and older sisters. He told me to use them to gauge how she’d look when she got older and that I should use that to decide if she was worth marrying. He said it with a straight face too.

Last but not least, my dad told me that when I was older and more willing to talk to him about sex, he had a bunch of stories to share with me of some of his wild adventures. Again, he was serious. I have no clue why either

267 Ed Nemmers September 29, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Pull my finger. Seriously.

268 Gianna September 29, 2010 at 9:29 pm

My husband since he is a dad:
4 year old daughter: Dad, what are fish sticks made out of?
Dad: Mermaids
4 year old daughter: Ohhh, poor Ariel!

It took her years to figure that one out.

My dad is not the type to say things that are insane or embarrassing.
My mother on the other hand.. Let me know if you have a contest about $#*! my mom says contest LOL.

269 Ted K September 29, 2010 at 9:40 pm

When I got out of the Army, I was asked to go to a sorority/fraternity party with an old girlfriend from high school. The theme of the party was to come as your favorite tv character. My friend chose Kelly Bundy and i was Ritchie Cunningham. When I stopped by my parents house for a quick bathroom stop I introduced my friend to my parents. My friend stated she was a fan of Kelly Bundy. My dad responded, “In that case, son when you’re done with her, I should get a shot at that.”

270 MojoMark September 30, 2010 at 3:03 am

I was catcher on my little league team – Dad was one of the coaches. One game I took a foul tip to the nuts – no cup.

As I lay on the ground in pain, my Dad says “Don’t rub it.”

271 Harley September 30, 2010 at 3:47 pm

My first day of university:
Dad – “Son, find a real good looking girl fast. Or else you’ll have to drink them pretty”

272 Anthony September 30, 2010 at 7:15 pm

My Dad once (and has still) told me:

Do something, even if it’s wrong!

So simple, so true.

I’ll never forget it!

273 Jamie September 30, 2010 at 9:19 pm

My dad never went to college but did well for himself. He is a Jack if all trades. Cars, carpentry, plumbing, etc… He always resented the fact that I didn’t show an interest in these things (to my regret). However, he always excused it because I was a really good student and felt tht was important. However, anytime I asked him a “common sense” question and he would get annoyed that I didn’t know so he never missed an opportunity to say, ” You ate the dumbest smart person I know.”

Thanks Dad. “How ’bout them Cowboys!” (Our normal greeting inthe phone.)

274 Adam September 30, 2010 at 9:38 pm

I went to visit some friends in college recently and the only advice my dad gave me was to “lay on my side so I don’t choke on my own vomit.”

275 ShellieAndBrutus September 30, 2010 at 11:01 pm

After my husband asked for my hand in marriage infront of my parents, my Dad said, “Here’s $20. Go out and have a good time.” He thought a little, opens the fridge and pulls out a 6 pack of Miller beer and adds to my fiancee, “You’ll need this too.” in refernece to him getting me for a wife. To this day my husband tells people my dad paid him to take me off his hands.

276 Tim September 30, 2010 at 11:27 pm

My Dad tried to tell my gf at the time he’d taught me much of what I know. Not only false but also something I spent the rest of our relationship trying to get her to realize was false as he made a major jabroni of himself throughout our Christmas dinner.

277 Scott Hartmann October 1, 2010 at 2:54 am


“I always take new girls to the beach. You get to check out the goods and see what her face really looks like when the makeup washes off.”

278 Steve October 1, 2010 at 9:11 am

This one isn’t from my dad, but from my uncle.

He was known as a pretty gruff man, although with a soft heart underneath it all. At a family gathering celebrating his 40th anniversary with his wife, one of his daughter’s urged him to tell his wife that he loved her, as none of us had ever heard that before.

He looked at her and said, “I told you I loved you 40 years ago, and if anything changes, I’ll let you know.”

279 Tom October 1, 2010 at 4:18 pm

“Hurry up! We have places to go and people to see…”

“Hit the bricks”

Me wearing a baseball hat at the dinner table.
My Dad: “Take your hat off. We are not Jewish”. For years I wondered why Jewish kids were allowed to wear baseball hats at the table. It took me a while to figure that out.

280 Amyd October 2, 2010 at 11:35 am

My dad has always had diarrhea of the mouth…especially when I was a teenager and my friends were hanging out at my house. (picture the Skipper from Gilligan’s Isle crossed with Archie Bunker, btw).
Some gems:
“Never marry your first lay”, to my cheerleading squad, sophomore year in high school.
“You’ll get the Ebola”, in reference to Ecoli which despite his concern, wasn’t present at a fundraising barbecue.
Whenever he was mad at the news, he’d yell at Tom Brokaw…and more times than not the term “ape sh**” would come up…as in “I could throw ape sh**”.

281 jedediah burger October 3, 2010 at 1:02 am

I was at a car show with my dad when I was a kid and I caught him checking out a foxy car model. I asked him “what about mom”?

He said “Son, it doesn’t matter where you get the appetite as long as you go home to eat”.


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