Great article and while I’m not currently in a relationship with a woman, I learned a lot from it. I’ve made some of these mistakes, a few of them, but part of the reason I’m single is because I’ve always been my own man. Perhaps I’ll get lucky one day and find the right woman for me. Perhaps, but I won’t sweat over it.

Peace out gents

I personally try to find a compromise when sorting things out, but it usually ends up being the other person’s opinion anyway. Maybe I need to be a little more assertive…

I respectfully disagree. You seem to think it’s an either/or. As a woman, I am ABSOLUTELY looking for understanding and communication. And honesty and support, not blind agreement. If I had kids, I’d want my partner to contribute to their care and feeding (if I have to suffer diapers, you do too), and I DO insist that my partner contribute equally to the household. Fair is fair.

That said, my partner is a man, not a boy. He thinks deeply about his beliefs, respectfully tells me when he thinks I’m full of shit, takes action when action is needed and is not afraid to make a decision without my consultation, if the circumstances warrant it.

I guess the distinction is is, you should be masterful with your own life, but don’t try to be masterful with mine. Pull your own weight with chores and duties, care for me and mine as I care for you and yours (that’s what a relationship IS), but run your own life! I can just about handle mine, but I don’t want to handle yours at the same time – that way leads to resentment and an unfair balance of power, as well as being absolutely exhausting. I shouldn’t have to approve your playdate before you arrange beers with friends, I just ask you tell me about it before hand (or as is reasonably possible) so that I can make arrangements for my own time. Treat your partner with respect, but make your own decisions.

What many of us don’t get is that what a woman looks for in a man isn’t primarily understanding, communication and agreement. They are looking for a quality of consciousness which is stable and authentic. That only comes when a man knows what he wants and when he is not ashamed to claim it. For a man to do that is an act of love. For a BOY to do that can be dangerous (which is what the boy often fears – his own destructive potential), but for a man to do it is always healing for the world. That quality is what makes him a man.

A good woman wants that man. She doesn’t care about many of the things the PC establishment talks about – changing diapers, doing the laundry and all that superficial drivel we talk about because we have nothing better to do – as long as she feels fully loved, opened by his masculine consciousness, surrendered to his direction. Everything that happens is an expression of that.

Yeah, it takes work (I’m not there yet), but don’t diss it just because you’re too afraid to go for it. That is not honoring yourselves and your core essence.

Eivind

No, we shouldn’t be overly engaged in pleasing people, or overly concerned about pleasing your wife even. But what is the example the author gives us?

“You agreed to see your buddies less often back in the day. Why? To please her.”

Really? That’s the example? You gave up time spent indulging your self-consumption instead of time giving into your relationship with your wife – the most important relationship you have – and somehow this is a bad thing?

I agree that this comes a lot from the parents.
But it also comes from the Ancient Greeks, other Beauty==Virtue ancient societies, The 11th-12th century Medieval Chivalrists, The Victorians, and the 50′s.

Today, it also comes from our 15th-century Community Property laws, where a woman can marry a guy and take half of his stuff.

Otherwise: This behavior is hard to spot, and harder to kill.

One of the big keys is you’ve just got to Make yourself OK with pissing people off in the short run. (without purposely being a dick)
People are all different and they Will disagree. But you’ve still got to speak your mind & stick by your guns, no matter how much concensus you listen to and build.

*The trick is that if you do/say what would risk pissing people off in the short run, they end up Respecting you in the long run.

But as far as someone so far marginalized to any one side, in this case: pleaser, your thinking is probably Wildly unsophisticated and maybe even black-and-white when you first try to change, and at some point later you’ll probably have to ‘Cross the line’ about 5 times before you successfully find out where the line is.

That being said, feel free to at least once in your life say to an irrational girl, “Well if you’re that much against it, then fuck off and go hang out with someone else. The door is right there. {points]”