Bingo, M.J.

Married for 29 years to my best friend. And the sex is still great.

If there is trust, sincerity, and maturity in a relationship, having opposite-sex friends should NOT be an issue. I completely disagree with anybody who says anything bad about men and women being friends.

Anyways, given all that, I am in a similar situation as the guy who sent in the question. I have been with my gf for a bit over two years, and for a while I was hoping this would bloom into a potential marriage situation, but about half a year ago I realized that I am not satisfied enough in this relationship to want to commit to it for life. The problem is, my feelings for her haven’t changed. I still care for her immensely, but I just do not want to spend my life with her.

Problem 2: I’m fairly certain she does want to marry me. This is why I know I need to end things with her. Because it is not fair for her to think this will end in marriage when i’m fairly certain it won’t.

Problem 3: She has been unemployed the entirety of our relationship. When I initially realized I didn’t want to marry her, she had just finished her schooling and was in her job search, constantly insecure about her own abilities and interviews. I really do feel like she would go downhill fast if I broke up with her. And that is based on my knowing her, not because she is a woman. She finally got a job in December, but it was with a 3 month probation period. Since she was struggling through her new job, coming home frustrated or crying from work situations, I found it yet again very difficult to break it off with her. This march, the probation period was over. I planned to break it off once I knew she was going to be OK professionally and financially…however this march (after probation period ended) she was fired from her job. So now she is unemployed again. Insecure, and desparately trying to find a job again.

I think she is a little bit recovered from the shock of being fired, so I will likely be ending things with her soon. But it is very sad. We have a very beautiful relationship. It’s the type of relationship most people probably dream of. But to me, I just don’t know if this is what I want. We don’t have really any hobbies or interests in common (so we are often bored together). She only really has one friend. And honestly I don’t have much faith in her abilities to become part of the professional world and provide for herself in the long run.

Her personality is great, and she is very loving and caring. I would love to have her as a friend, and continue to interact with each other. I think she would like it too, but I know it will likely take her alot of time to be able to cope with a break up. In the end it will be up to her. I am 100% sure I can maintain a friendship without poblems from my end.

For reference we are in our mid 20s. I have never supported her financially, and she will likely need to move back in with her parents soon.

I thought Wayne’s questions were to the point. The issue isn’t whether men and women can be friends, the issue for the letter writer is why he values this woman enough to call her his “best friend,” (and is also apparently attracted to her given their romantic relationship), and yet considers her not to be “marriage material.” “Best friend,” someone who truly “gets me” is pretty high praise when it comes to describing people. Some would say you can’t get much higher than that intimacy-wise, as lots of people are married to people they don’t consider their best friend. So, as Wayne said, there’s something that this man is not identifying about the relationship or is unwilling to address with the woman; he could also have some type of ideal in mind that he’s measuring her against.

I think the basic orientation of the letter is rather self-focused. The woman in question only comes into play in terms of what the letter writer wants from her or in terms of how he feels about her. There didn’t seem to be much consideration given to what’s in her best interest or what she might think about friendship post-breakup. He wants to know how he can go about breaking things off while retaining her as his best friend, but he doesn’t seem inclined to simply talk to her about his thoughts or to learn from her whether friendship is something *she* would even be interested in. He should think less on how to keep her as his best friend and think about what it would look like for him to be a friend to her. That would undoubtedly include straightforward honesty as well as respecting her boundaries and possible desire for distance.

By all accounts, one would describe me as a feminist who adores men. I have worked in male dominated fields and have had relationships and friendships with a number of amazing men. So I “get” that men and women should be able to be friends without all of that other romantic stuff getting in the way, but here’s my experience:

Almost every single one of my “he’s my best buddy, no sex involved relationships” have been great, but the tone and tenor of every one of those relationships has shifted dramatically whenever my “best guy buddy” got seriously romantically involved with another woman. No more “Hey, I’m just calling to check in and see how you’re doing” phone calls, or “I’m stranded, can you come and get me,” or I’m not doing anything on Friday, want to go to the game?”

So, after years of being friends and hanging out, what I’ve been left with is “Sarah and I are going to the game, maybe we’ll see you there?”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. I think it’s entirely appropriate that a man in a committed relationship set boundaries regarding his interactions with other women, but this is not a shift he need make with his male buddies. I think there are very few women, myself included, who would have the intestinal fortitude to sit home while their boyfriend or husband went out with his “girl buddy” to the game. To add in the complication of being in a friend relationship with someone you previously dated would make the scenario even more fraught with difficulty, I would think.

In considering Wayne’s comments, I think it’s natural to want to stay in touch with someone with whom you’ve developed a history and with whom you get along well, but I think it’s important that any relationship that is created should be one that can be sustained over the long-term.

I’ve remained on friendly terms with several former boyfriends. We publicly post to one another’s FB pages and we’ve double-dated with our “new” partners, and on occasion, I’ve called on one or the other for advice on professional matters, but our friendships have never strayed much beyond that. And when he – best buddy with whom I may or may not have once had a sexual relationship – needs a shoulder to lean on because things aren’t going well with the new girlfriend, I am not available because I don’t want to be “that woman”: who knows too much and is resented and eyed with suspicion by his girlfriend when they inevitably make up.

Too often, male-female friendships tend to serve an intermediary role for both parties “until” they meet that special person. Taking Wayne’s comments into account, from my perspective, rather than putting time and energy into an intermediary relationship, it makes more sense to develop relationships that will persevere and that will complement your life, regardless of the stage that you are passing through – single, dating, married, divorced, widowed.

For my part, I still have male friends, but they don’t hold the same place in my life as my female friends, and whenever I’ve been in the position of downshifting from a relationship with someone to a friendship, I try to establish a sustainable framework from the outset that will allow that friendship to exist and flourish, no matter who else may come into my life, so that “new relationship shift” never need take place.

Just my two cents.

There is a new era of relationships happening in the western world and it is expanding out of the typical Nuclear Family definitions. People are deciding not to have children in favor of fulfilling careers, which brings into question the need for a life-long partner. People are putting more value on rich life experiences. People are having homosexual relationships, both as a nuclear family and within the drive to have fulfilling careers. This doesn’t mean they don’t desire to still have the energy of opposite genders in their lives. Friendships are more appropriately based from a place of love and companionship than sexual “in-love” attraction.

Marriage seems to be more like a partnership, where people decide to throw in together and build something, a family unit, a business, a solid foundation. There are other ways to have those things, too, like domestic partnerships.
Sometimes people are compatible in many things in life, such as differing value systems placed on love of cooking, traveling, making music, making art, having new experiences, having spiritual journeys or life-enriching adventures and work. They can develop a deep bond that may not include sexual compatibility, sharing a living situation, ultimate life-path direction, encouragement to live daily the way of our desires. This does not make that deep bond any less important, just different. Every person in our lives fulfills different aspects of our social needs, and no one person can possibly fill all of them.

For those of you who are cutting out the enrichment of friendships and bonds with those in past relationships or opposite genders, you’re missing out on a lot of beauty and love and lessons in this world. I understand that sometimes intimate relationships end badly, with emotions and insecurities spiraling and triggered by such ends. That may be difficult to befriend, and sometimes it’s good to let those remain lessons and catalysts.

But who here even stopped putting their own faces on the situation and asked this young man what his Ladyfriend might like as they transition from one kind of relationships to another, hopefully one better suited to their needs, desires and expectations of each other? It’s all about redefining boundaries as we change and our life-desires change. If there is love there, they can work through the insecurities and personal challenges to still celebrate that love in the ways that feels right for both of them. If there is only pain, hindrance and clouded messages, celebrating what once was might be better done quietly, with respect, by giving it the space it needs to breathe.

Having a good relationship is about being true to both self and the other’s boundaries and remembering to come into it from a place of love, care and compassion for all involved.

I agree with the commenters who argue that female friends are just as good for a man as male friends – and regarding your sexual tension argument, what about us bisexuals?

That said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to be friends right after a break-up. Take some time apart, process it, then when both people are emotionally done working through it, see if being friends is still something both want.