8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book Giveaway

I have this book, it’s great!

From my experience:

Never blame anyone else.

This means that you recognize that if you were in someone else’s shoes, YOU’D DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

Once you recognize that, you stop blaming people, and you start to understand their actions. This makes it so they can’t resent you, they have nothing to resent you for, and you can RELATE to them which is the foundation of a RELATIONSHIP.

Find out what the other person’s N.U.T.s are, even if they themselves don’t yet know.

I think every person has got N.U.T.s, even women (I once dated a girl with big ones). But sometimes a person will go about their lives not realizing what they are, and how they can affect the decisions that person makes. By helping someone discover what they are, you help them to better deal with all their relationships, including (especially) the one they have with you.

Discriminate in whom you develop relationships with. You can’t and shouldn’t be everyone’s buddy. Pick the people who mean the most to you and focus on them.

The best thing I learned about being a man is confidence in who I am. It’s essentially the same as N.U.T.s. If you’re confident in who you are men and women will respect you.

I used to be the wimpy, shrinking violet type. That’s not what a man is. Once I found my confidence everything else started to fall into place.

Armed with that I have been able to comfortably act in all sorts of situations that I would not normally be at home in like haute parties.

The key is to not confuse it with being cocky or pompous – Just simple quite, strong confidence.

It pretty much comes down to a few very simple statements:

1) Take responsibility for your actions.
2) Listen to the opinions of other people.
3) Everyone is different, and you have to learn that that’s not bad.

I have to partially disagree with Tim. You should ficus on the people who mean the most, but do not go to the point that everyone else does not deserve respect. If one does not treat everyone with respect, that person needs to read further into this site.

For my advice I will stick with the relationship with a spouse. Find a sport or hobby you can participate in regularly with your wife or significant other and do it often. For my wife and I it is fencing. If you can both enjoy yourself and one is not doing it just to humor the other, it can draw you closer. Use tool #7 to find her true interests.

Silence is golden sometimes; don’t argue endlessly because most of the time you end up saying something you regret and that sucks

This is one I’ve learned recently: you have to stop trying to make her happy, stop trying to make the relationship work.

Do what makes you happy, do what you want to do, and only good things will follow. If what you want to do is love her, take care of her, etc… then your relationship just follows right along.

You can’t MAKE her happy… but you can be happy, and hope that she likes what she’s getting.

Doubt your doubts; believe your beliefs.

The thing about what I see this book being is just a reminder for things we already know. I doubt any man things communication is a bad thing, or listening is bad, or that arguing is really the best route (this one is debatable.)

In my mind, a better reminder is first establishing open communication so that when something does arise, as the article says, feelings are able to be communicated. The thing that men REALLY need to realize is that they need to be a little more introspective when they are criticized. If the honey is mad at me, it is probably something I did! Like you were told when you were a child in a time out, men need to have a sit down with themselves to realize this is probably partially, if not mostly my fault, and then try to be analytical about it without justifying it.

Never give up.
That’s all there is to it. No matter how hard things get, how rough the road is, how bleak the outlook, as long as you never let that break your spirit, and you make sure your eye is on the prize at hand, then there isn’t anything you can’t do. Just make sure you never give up.

It’s really important for me to lay down the bases right.

Whenever I go into a relationship, I’m 100% that my partner is worth it. That’s why I don’t shy away from telling her, in a tactful manner, that I want to be as sincere with her as possible, and that I expect the same from her.

I think it’s important to follow my words and immediately start to broaden the scope of emotions I speak to her about. Doing that and being the rock at the same time is not as tricky as it may sound.

Whilst my father was not exactly the perfect example to follow – one thing that always stuck in my head was his fearlessness of possible failure. Being it starting a long demanding house project or as it happened – starting a new life when the old one wasn’t cutting it, he never doubted his eventual ‘success’. While it was always a thin line between manliness and plain stubborness – my father’s capacity to go for the long haul without fear is obviously a neccesary manly trait which affecting my growing into a man myself.

Five 3 word sentences worth their weight in gold.
You were right.
I was wrong.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.

One of the most important things to do in a relationship is to communicate.

Communication in a relation is the canary in a coal mine… If the canary’s dead, in other words if you stopped communicating with your partner, you’ll be darned sure your relationship with your partner is going downhill and broke.

If you want to have a good gauge of your relationship, this is it.

Never play the blame game-it kills relationships and breaks confidence.The other person can never feel safe if they’re constantly blamed and criticized.If a person can’t feel safe,they’ll shut down in all aspects of the relationship.

Man, do I NEED this book!
Everyone’s already put some great comments, I don’t know what to add. Arguing is the worst thing for a relationship! If we can just learn to swallow our pride and control our tongue, even when we know we are right, is one of the most important(and the hardest) things to do!

“Integrity first, Service before self, Excelence in all we do.”
these are my adopted core values, and at the heart of them is the strength to develop a good set of N.U.T.s and more. There is no greater sense of manliness than the belief that one is doing the right thing and putting the necessary effort and energy into a thing, thus search yourselves and develop your own N.UT.s.

Believe it or N.U.T maturity in relationships is a long way from anger self expression is important but a man with rock hard N.U.TS will know times when silence is most expressive and believe me when you are most in urge to speak it is then more GOLDEN……Cheers (to all art of manliness subscribers may our N.U.TS BECOME GOLDEN)

If you can’t remember how the argument started, you need to end it.

wow, these are all great comments so far. very impressive guys. nathaniel, like you, i am in serious need of this book. one bit of advice that i might offer is to always be impeccable with your word. that goes for all types of relationships new and old. i’ve gotten into trouble with past girlfriends by refusing to speak what’s really on my mind. vague language can get you only so far and the end result is that someone usually gets hurt. i’m looking forward to working the n.u.t.s. philosophy into my daily life. thanks everyone for the great tips

The biggest thing is to first get into a relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t be a man and start one (that means asking the lady out, instead of just hooking up and hanging out).

When in a relationship, don’t try and fix her problems. When she has a problem and comes to you, she really just wants you to listen and be sympathetic. When she knows you can do that, her problems will have a tendancy to evaporate.

To stay in the relationship, above all you must communicate. Make it a point to talk every day. Doing this can keep little things from becoming big problems.

Clarification to communication: yelling is not communication. Arguments will crop up occaisonally, no matter how good your comunication is. The first one to raise their voice loses the argument.

Great advice. One I’d add is don’t expect her to change the way you want. If you’re not happy with anything about her, don’t think you can change it. Accept her for what she is. My wife’s a materials engineer and we were joking around one day when I asked her why, if (I was being difficult about something) I’m so hard to live with did she marry me?

Her response: “I thought your were malleable, turns out you’re elastomeric.”

We had a good laugh and moved on.
Al

After 15 Years of marriage the best advice is Learn to Listen, women want a man not only to hear them but to listen. Pay attention to the way your partner talks to their friends on the phone when then friend calls for advice or with a problem, you will only hear one side of the conversation. This will give you insght in how to properly response to her when she needs you to be a friend.

I have learned not to try to fix every problem, but to just listen and be supportive. Usually when my wife is upset about something and vents to me about it, she is only looking for support. I will try to fix every little thing (that, of course I cannot) and this just usually makes things worse.

Best piece(s) of advice —

* Equanimity
* and Intensity

Listen to her without trying to fix anything, tell her she’s beautiful, occasionally do the housework, stay in shape, be honest, make sure your bedroom skills are up to par and laugh with her as much as you can.

I believe #5 Be the Rock is very important especially for women who come from unstable backgrounds or have never had consistency in their lives. For their man to be that for them is very encouraging and protecting for women.

You really have to have a good sense of yourself before you even get into a relationship. You need not be perfect, but as much major baggage as possible should be cleared away, freeing you to be the man you need to be for her.

I’ve found that being a man in a relationship means not feeling sorry for yourself and not making excuses, but taking responsibility and playing the hand that you’re dealt.

When you make a mistake, take the blame! And don’t include a “but” statement in the apology. That is just another way of shifting the blame or trying to reduce culpability.

Don’t compromise personal happiness to keep a relationship going.

One of the most important things I’ve learned about authentic manhood is the essential requirement of both service and sacrifice. A man cannot stand alone-his life and the lives of those whom he loves will be far richer with the cultivation of genuine, loving relationships (this includes his relationship with his wife, his children, his other family, and his neighbors and community). These hallmarks of manhood, service and sacrifice, permit meaningful relationships, increase self-respect, and magnify a man’s ability to see his circumstances for what they are. As for community, I encourage everyone to serve (up to and including military service on behalf of their country). Ultimately, in all of our relationships, we should remember these words, “E pluribus unum.” One out of many. We are never important, individually, as the whole. If we refuse to serve and sacrifice on behalf of the greater good, we weaken ourselves and leave our relationships with little substantial foundation.

I like to think of love as a one way street, where I only concern myself with giving love not worrying about receiving it. That can mean giving physical affection, sweet words, encouragement, listening, and many other things, without thinking about wanting those things in return. It is very freeing and allows me to love other people at a much more intense level. Not only that, but when you do get something in return (and you will) it means so much more to you because you didn’t expect or need it in return. It also allows you to live in the moment because you aren’t thinking about what you will get, or what you didn’t get in the past; all you are thinking about is how much you are enjoying this present moment with this person that you love. It can change everything.

To make a relationship work also requires making sure you get into a relationship with someone who is good for you and cares about you. So many times I’ve seen my friends get into relationships where the girl is a slug, who just takes everything a guy will give her but gives nothing back.

So my advice is to make sure the giving and taking in a relationship is reciprocal. Because if she doesn’t add anything to your life besides sex and somebody to hang out with, then she’s not worth it.

Don’t date a slug!

Alway be in control. Not controlling. Do not fly off the handle. No matter what the situation, remain calm, deal with the issue, and your woman will appreciate your composure. Too many guys (not men) flip out at the first sign of trouble. If things don’t go as planned, change the plan.

1. always remind your partner it is just an opinion and you are not trying to argue, just offering alternatives ( being the devils advocate)

2. If your girlfriend exercises on a regular basis like mine and she ask you ” should I go swim or finish this work ?” Always have her swim ( exercise) . It shows that her personal time outside of work is valuable to you also.

3. 10 minutes of making chicken stir fry makes up for a bad week. Women, like men, like to be cared for. Dinner and washing the dishes goes a long way.

Listening is important, but I know I often miss the point.

More often then not, the person you are listening to does not want your advice, at least not until they feel heard and are ready to receive it/ask for it. I am good at listening, but am very quick to give them the solution to their problems.
They often already know what needs to be done they just want to know that someone cares about the emotions they are going through.

It’s not the size of the nuts but how and why you use them. A fairly simple statement only complicated by real life. Thanks to AOM, we are not alone.

Excellent advise. Especially #1.

I appreciate this blog more and more everyday. A unique perspective from MEN not boys who are ruining our women and our society. If this blog were compulsory then just maybe there might be a few more kids out there with dads and women with good men. Not the little boys that are currently roaming the world.

Best advice I can give is drop the ego.

“Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—
don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her love for granted!
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore?
for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger? ”

This non-negotiable, unalterable term has helped me over 16 year with my wife. These are great words from King Solomon. He was considered one of the wisest ( not to mention wealthiest and most powerful) kings of his time.

In all human relationships personal responsibility is crucial. Stephen Covey in the 7 habits of highly effective people breaks down the word responsible into response-able. True responsibility; he argues means recognizing our ability to choose our behaviors regardless of our circumstances. We often can’t choose what happens to us; how others behave, but we can always choose how we respond. The responsible man says “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, I CAN choose otherwise”.

The biggest killer of all relationships is lack of responsibility. Even if it seems like the other individual is to blame in a particular situation there is almost always something a proactive individual could have done or could do in the future to avert an argument, fight or other relationship disaster. For example an irresponsible man would simply justify infidelity by claiming “She doesn’t give me the love I need anymore”, he paints himself as the hapless victim of venomous fate, a refugee in the arms of another from his cold unloving partner.

The responsible man on the other hand recognizes the lack of intimacy in the relationship. He values the relationship and realizes that the real problem is a lack of closeness or intimacy within the relationship. Rather than weak ego-centric thinking he considers his role as a man. He makes the choice to invest himself in the relationship, maybe he organizes a date night, maybe he makes lots of little investments like helping around the house.
What a responsible man would do really depends on the situation but the paradigm is the same. He sees a problem and recognizes his ability to choose his response. He asks himself how am I responsible for the situation and what can I do to improve things. He considers what is important and then acts from a place of wisdom and maturity.

“The wise man will be the master of his mind. A fool will be its slave.”
– Publilius Syrus

There are a few comments on here which I disagree with. There seems to be this nostalgia for the way men used to be. Now I’m not saying that the character traits we point to and admire in our fathers and grandfathers weren’t good but these men were often brutally intolerant, closed minded, misogynistic among many other things I wouldn’t want to include in true masculinity. I think we have to think critically about what it means to be a man. I think that makes us more men than blindly accepting tradition and culture. “Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul” – Mark Twain.
I think the quest for true manliness is so crucial because there is so little of it in the world. Let’s not wax rhapsodic about the way things used to be, if lessons can be garnered from the past we should be wise not to discard them, but lets think about what we consider true masculinity and why. As we figure out how to live let’s be like a good carpenter and do it right the first time. Measure twice cut once.

Good luck gentlemen

Dave

This article was good and the comments are just as good! The only thing I want to add, although many of you said already, is communication is the key to all relationships. From your wife,kids,siblings,parents,friends and even casual acquaintances. Be honest and upfront and they may be mad at you for pointing out something that hurts them, but they will eventually see that your intentions were honorable. We men of today need to have integrity in everthing that we put our selves into, from relationships to business. Integrity is not flashy, it does not win elections, it does not make headlines, it is not an easy path to follow, but it is right and in the end it will produce more men of integrity because you have blazed a path to follow. Men (and women) love following men that are true leaders.

I had an epiphany in a few years back when my best friend was going through a terrible divorce. I was in my early 20′s, him in his early 30′s. I had always looked up to him because of this unshakable calm and confidence. Him and I were talking one night and I told him how much I admired that about him and how hard I tried to strive towards that. He told that despite that image he spent every day conscious of feelings of past failures and insecurities, even in the best of times, but he was determined never to let them get to him. He knew he wasn’t unique, he knew everyone was the same, and coped with the same feelings. His way of dealing with the feelings were to accepted them, and accept that everyone was the same. By doing this he never let his problems subversively influence others, which allowed him to form deeper relationships with people, which in turn gave him confidence.

Just one more,

I’ve found in my own experience, a relationship without argument is a short term means for understanding and closeness, but in the long term breeds quite a discontent and mistrust.

Couples that don’t’ argue are out of balance, for there cannot be light without dark, peace without war, and love without conflict. When I finally stopped trying to keep everything nice and just have it out with my last girlfriend, we got a lot closer.

Sure, you may disagree, and one person may end up ‘losing’ but I find it helpful to not see arguing as loss or gain. it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about expression. If you are strong enough to show your partner that you really feel strongly about somethings, that breeds a very deep inner trust.

Believe me, I am not endorsing violence, but if it is recommended that you listen and let your woman emote and just accept where she is at, and what is giong through her head, with two grounded feet on the floor, then she needs to do the same for you.

I think a little arguing is healthy. Maintain a balance, and the love will flow.

One of the easiest ways to have a healthy relationship is to not start with a sick one. Guys, lets be honest, if you’ve been seeing a gal for one month and she’s already whining and nagging you to death, crying like a baby to get her way, talking down to your family, demanding you work longer or get a second job to make her the queen of the trailer park… what do you think she’ll be like after ten years of marriage. Get real!!! Send her packin’ and try again because all the tricks in the world will not help your situation. Instead look for someone who already has healthy relationships and you’ll have a much richer and more fulfilled relationship with her as well. Secondly, I agree with establishing your n.u.t.s early because if you don’t she’ll have them in her back pocket and try to run you for all your worth.

Honestly, the best advice I could give is to grow up in a house full of women. Keep a bunch of women around long enough and you start to see the subtle things that make them tick. I am by no means perfect around the ladies but because I’ve spent time around women in a casual setting I understand them so much better.

More practically, I guess it means observe+accept them. Chicks aren’t dudes — they’re chicks. Some are cooler, some are cattier, some vain, some not. Get to a point in your life where they aren’t a mystery.

My wife is trying to beat it into my head that romance starts in the morning. If I want to really turn her on at night, I’ve got to get up with the kids in the morning…or something to that effect.
Or to quote Jeff Foxworthy, “Men are like bottle rockets in sex…women are like diesel engines, it takes a bit of work to get them warmed up.”