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And relationships? Well, working through marriages can be difficult, so “experts” have stepped in to hand you a Kleenex and pat your back as they tell you, “You deserve to be with someone who adores you for you, don’t feel bad about ending things and moving on to someone new who will better meet your needs.”
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Sometimes this is perfectly good advice. More and more I see people who just have no business being together. They have few or no shared interests, no real affection and it’s plainly obvious that they don’t enjoy each other’s company and are only hanging on so that they don’t have to be alone. I think telling these people that they should just suck it up and make the best of it because that’s what real men do is leading them astray from true happiness.

Other than that, great article, and a sorely needed one!

When I was learning to drive, my first instructor was of the opinion that all young people learning to drive needed to be humiliated in order to internalize that driving is a work of great responsability, that you could kill someone if you take it too lightly, and that no, you don’t drive as well as you think you do. I’m sure this worked great for the average 18-20 year old. But for me it was paralyzing. I am already too much aware that I do not drive well and that a mistake could be fatal. The result: I got so nervous that I failed 2 driving exams. After the second failed exam, I switched for a second instructor, a firm but encouraging one. You know, the type that gives you one or two select encouragements when you finally overcome some barrier you had. (keep saying that I am special and I deserve it and I’ll dismiss you as a blubbering idiot. And I’m a woman. I want words with meaning. One meant encouragement means more that 100 stupid feel-good things). He finally said to me on the day before my last exam: “I have seen you drive better than many people who have passed exams. You are not a good driver, and you will not be without years of practice. And you know it. But you are good enough and responsible enough to get a license, more so than many others”. I did pass the third exam, with no mistakes.

This is the thing: pressure makes diamonds, but pressure breaks diamonds too. You have to know who you’re dealing with.

It wasn’t enough for one of the guys to get ripped… for the film to work, they ALL had to achieve the goal. Honestly I’m not a huge fan of Twight… but obviously what he did worked. He did what you see all military, and especially elite military units do: break down the individual and raise him up as a team player. This can be done through name calling, shame, humiliation… but you don’t break down guys, and find out who really wants to be there by simply handing out positive reinforcement. While positive reinforcement can be good, as Cam stated, for these men, it was earned… through extremely hard work.

Bottom line: I wouldn’t want Mark Twight to raise my daughter (if I had one)… but if you want to get a bunch of dudes together and get them ripped… what he does works.

I would meet in the middle on the proper way to use discipline (whether it be coaching, parenting, etc). Different people respond well to different methods. Personally, I loved it when a coach would ride my tail to get me to work harder and I responded to that well. I still ride myself when I train. But I can see how that method would discourage many people, ultimately leading to quitting. It’s a challenge for coaches and parents to recognize the method to which the athlete or child best responds. The reality is that a one-size-fits-all answer is the easy way out. Maybe the harder approach works here, too.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. If I may respond back….

One major problem that complicates any discussion of the United States (and which confronts us with a complex future) is that America has gone from a country that could be described as a bell curve to a country that is a double bell curve. That is, we have one part of the population that is doing very well, is very ambitious, hardworking, creative, educated, assertive, etc. The young people that I have met in this group strike me as extraordinary and they give me great hope for the future.

On the other hand, we have another significant portion of the population that is extremely dysfunctional and manifest many of the social ills that we are concened about. I think that the group in the middle is diminishing which is why we may need to clarify which “America” we are speaking about.

The impulsivity that you speak of has many origins — poverty is one of them.

I am glad that you agree that meaning comes first and that hard work serves meaning.

The shame and humiliation issue…

First of all, where are children told that they are special? I feel like this is some kind of urban legend. Having raised two children (20 and 17), been involved in youth sports, and being married to an educator, I have never seen this. Even if you did try it, the kids would not believe it anyway — they have a very keen sense of the pecking order.

A healthy self-love, which comes, in part, from the experience of being loved, is a great gift that can help see us through the dark times and give us the ability to persevere in the face of opposition. Narcissism is a pathological condition that is a defense or overcompensation against terrible feelings of defectiveness and self-criticism. That is why celebrities have so many problems — they do not have a healthy core filled with a positive sense of self.

Hopefully, Twight is just giving a “tough guy” narrative. In Baumrind’s work on parenting, she found that Authoritative, not Authoritarian, parents were the best. These parents were loving and affirming while also providing clear limits — they were not cruel and arbitrary and they were not laissez-faire.

In terms of actors who have often trained for years, in the face of adversity and poverty, to get where they are, Twight probably had an ideal group to work with – not weak-willed men with no backbone.

So, I believe in the power of hard work, but context is everything.