Seems to me that the answer to many questions, including this one, is “it depends.” So a big first step is to understand the woman and her relationships with her family.

If the dad is an abusive jerk, then his blessing is not needed, and certainly not his permission. If dad or daughter gives reason to not specifically ask for a blessing, it may be appropriately respectful (and manly) to state your intentions, or at least to show up and participate in a respectful, manly way with your bride-to-be in announcing the engagement.

In my case, dad was somewhat traditional and husband-to-be was respectful of that, which I found reassuring and delightful — my husband-to-be was willing to endure discomfort out of respect for my dad, and my dad responded with respect, which was indeed a blessing to both our marriage and my husband-to-be. Mom wasn’t part of the conversation, which was appropriate in THIS situation because it fits her somewhat traditional perspectives, too, and because she trusts my dad and loves that the two of them had a man-to-man talk.

Mom asked me later what I would have done if dad hadn’t given his blessing — would we still have gotten married? It was a good question, and here’s my response — he wasn’t asking permission, but was asking for my dad’s blessing. I know my dad, and know he would not withhold that blessing lightly, so if he’d not given it, then I would have wanted to know why, and we would have pursued that question respectfully. I might still get married, but certainly wouldn’t do it without first being quite certain that I understood my dad’s concerns.

But again, it depends a lot on the relationships and perspectives of the various people involved.

8. Listen to your future father-in-law’s response.

When I did this, 90% of the talking was done by my father-in-law. They probably would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice.

First, women (or men) should never be treated as property. Equality means more than simply each having voting rights – our society in general as stereotypes and systems in place that treat some groups with a sense that they are either incapable of achieving what other groups are or that they are somehow lesser humans (often, these groups being degraded are women, racial minorities and/or non-heterosexuals).

That being said, the vast majority of men and women in our Western world have some basic, non-biological differences. Maybe they are merely social constructs, maybe they go into our DNA, but regardless they are real and often important. That is no excuse to deny anyone their right to live as an equal, however.

All this being said, because there are legitimate differences between men and women, it does seem logical and fair for a man to ask a father for his blessing (I would also argue a man should ask any important men in the woman’s life). But in the interest of fairness and equality, which is seems many are hung up on here, the woman has a responsibility to ask for or earn the same type of acceptance from the important women (likely the mother or sisters) of her man.

Men (though not all) do tend to be more direct. Asking face to face is something that, though it can be intimidating, many men relish because of the sense of self-satisfaction that comes from dealing directly with someone. Women (again, not all) tend to be more relational and less directly confrontational. I would want any potential fiancee of mine to be able to show to my mother that she would make me a great wife, just as I want to one day show a potential father-in-law that I can be a great husband to his daughter. It is not about women being property, it is about connecting to the important people in someone’s life, dealing with them in the ways we typically do, illustrating a maturity that will be necessary in marriage and giving the respect that is due to your future (legal) family members.

Sure, there are situations that this can’t or shouldn’t happen in, but in most cases I think that both the man and woman have an inherent responsibility to connect to the families that raised their eventual spouses before proposing.

-soon-to-be , bride-to-be?