Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Ahhh… that’s how I asked my wife – I knew she’d say yes, I asked her parents for their permission. Almost like it was laid out above – I was good friends with her family for quite some time, so they knew me well.

Of course, not everyone is so fortunate when they’re asking for a father’s daughter’s hand in marriage…

I think it’s just as fair to ask both parents, not just the dad. After all they both did raise the girl. I do agree though, this is unfortunately a slowly dying act even though it is one that shows a lot of class and respect by the guy. Interesting question: What if you’re in a same-sex relationship?

This is how I handled things when my wife and I were ready to tie the knot and I am glad that I did. While I was already friends with all of her brothers (all older) and well acquainted with her parents, I was still nervous. Afterwards I wondered why I was so anxious. It ended up going smoothly and my father-in-law was expecting “the talk” anyway (we dated for a long time).

I’ve seen this tradition repeated by a number of my peers and it encourages me. The whole act seems very gentlemanly and respectable.

The hardest thing for me was knowing how to address my in-laws after we were married. I had always called them Bishop (he’s a man of the cloth) and Mrs. Smith but that seemed weird later on. But I kept addressing them that way until they told me otherwise. Now I call them by their first names, although I think my father-in-law would like it if I called him “dad.” That tradition, however, always seemed very odd to me.

I have to object to this one. I agree that this concept is anti-feminist, but I also believe that it is unmanly to rely on (or pretend to rely on, even worse) another man’s opinion or blessing in this way and to this degree.

I personally like the tradition, but I’d definitely talk to your girlfriend about her wishes first. I do know some women who are horrified by the very thought, so do make sure that she wants you to talk to her father/mother first!

Permission…hrm, that’s a bit dodgy. But, I think it might be nice to ask for their ‘blessing’ or ‘approval’ rather than permission.

I am glad to see that this topic made the site!

I asked my fiancee’s father for his blessing after a couple hours wrenching on a motorcycle. He was really appreciative that I went about things the traditional way and I felt better as well.

Great article.

Been married for 14 years, but didn’t ask my future father-in-law because he’s a tool. It would have been nice to marry into a family where this kind of civility is the norm (like mine – my brother-in-law asked my father for permission to marry my sister and that was very nice).

But it’s a happy marriage. He’s still a tool, though, and if he were allowed in my house, I wouldn’t ask him to pass the salt, let alone for something as important as permission to marry the woman I love! :-)

I am so glad to have a father who would punch a man in the face for treating me this way, and a loving boyfriend who would never think to do such a thing.

For my case there was a slight twist. First I asked my wife to be and she said yes. Then she told her parents and they said ok. (We have met before at Festival gatherings and such). Then my eldest brother and sister in law made a visit asking for her hand.

This is a ceremony that we have to follow. We call it the “minang” ceremony.

Having said this, I would like my daughters’ future husbands to follow your stated procedures. After that they have to do the minang ceremony.

I have to object to this one as well. I understand where this is coming from, but personally, I would be horrified and angry if my boyfriend did this. Does the woman ask the man’s family for permission or a blessing? No, of course not. So don’t we have to ask ourselves, why not? What is it about being a woman that means you need a father’s (or anyone else’s) permission? While I can understand the idea of asking for a BLESSING (which is different from permission) from BOTH families, and certainly, there is bonding that needs to take place, I think you have really missed the mark on this one.

@ Sam- I agree that the father’s input can help you analyze how to approach your relationship with your future bride.

@ Nate- Good luck!

@Granata- I hear you on the confusion on how to address your in-laws. When we first started dating, I referred to them as Mr. and Mrs. Surwilo until they told me to knock if off and call them by their first names. I think my mother-in-law is still hoping that I’ll start calling them mom and dad, but like you I just find it odd.

@Julian- I didn’t look at it as role playing at all. I saw it as a respectful thing to do. Again, it’s not so much permission, but rather a blessing and support that I was after. I’d want to know if my future in-laws were for or against my marriage to their daughter.

@coop- It’s not just any man’s opinion, it’s her father’s opinion. You know. The person that has been the man in her life since she was a baby. And if you think following traditional values is unmanly, well, you’re at the wrong site.

@ Jen- I think it’s a good suggestion to ask your future bride what she wants.

@ Schaefer- I agree. Part of being a man means we respect the role of a woman’s father in her life.

@ Marshall- Interesting point about the bride’s parents paying for it. Maybe by asking for a father’s blessing is a way to gauge whether or not you and your bride will have to foot the wedding bill yourself.

@ Matt- Glad to see other men keeping this tradition up. Most fathers I know appreciate the gesture. What a manly way to do it, too. While working on a bike.

@ Brian- I agree it’s a case by case basis in determining whether to ask the dad, the mom, or both parents. Good luck on this rite of passage.

@MacLeod- Totally understandable. If the woman’s father is a prick, there’s no use in asking. Again, this should always be done with discretion. P.S. You’re use of the word “tool” gave me a chuckle. I don’t know why that word can be so funny.

@ Bradly- Agree on the parents meeting before the wedding. We did that with our parents. All we did was went out to eat. It was a very enjoyable experience.

I don’t know why people are so hung up on the word “permission.” It’s not in the post. You’re not asking for permission, you’re asking for a father’s blessing and support. It doesn’t mean that if he says no, you cannot move forward with the wedding (although you may need to look deeper into why he would withhold his support). You’re asking that if you do move forward with the wedding, will he be on board.

Some of these comments that hold the -”Why should I bother? It’s our decision alone” idea-reflect how individualistic our society has become. You’re about to change the life of a woman who has been raised for 2 decades by her parents, and you don’t think they should be given a heads up? You’re marrying just the woman, but you’re marrying into a whole new family as well. When you ask for her hand you’re saying “Hey dad, I’m going to be around for every holiday, along for every family vacation, posing in family photos, and a part of your family’s life for the rest of your life. Are you cool with that?”

As far as it being sexist…I suppose those who object to it, object to taking their husbands’ name as well. Which is another case of feminism run amok. Get over it. Just because a tradition may have been born of sexism, doesn’t mean you cannot carry on that tradition without being sexist yourself. Christmas started out pagan, but I don’t have any problem celebrating it without being one myself.

The complaint that a man shouldn’t be asked to do it if the woman doesn’t do something similar showcases in a nutshell why we started this site. Can’t a guy have any kind of separate role? Can’t there be any kind of traditions that are just for men?

Don’t make the mistake I did. My wife was already back at home for the summer (in Idaho, 6 hours away), and I was getting a ride up there with her parents.

I asked them about two hours into the 6 hour drive. They said yes, but it certainly left things kind of funny in the card for the next four hours. :-)

Ah well, it all worked out in the end.

If you really want a blessing, it should be requested of both parents. Asking for the blessing from just the father is plainly sexist.

I don’t see anything wrong with asking a girls’ parents (both of them, not just the father) for their blessing except that it would kind of take the fun of telling my family aways from me. The problem with the whole situation is that it makes the man the sole actor in the narrative. I’m excited about it too and they’re my damn family. Why can’t I just tell them myself? Or better yet, why can’t we as a couple tell them?

In the majority of marriages today, either both sets of parents, or the woman’s are going to be footing the bill for the wedding. You owe it to them financially, if for no other reason.

Although it can have a sexist angle to it, I think the act of asking her father is still very important. When I did it, asked both of her parents at the same time. Also, I made sure I worded it correctly so that I asked for their blessing, not for her father to give her to me as property!

“Amanda on May 16th, 2008 6:37 am

“I am so glad to have a father who would punch a man in the face for treating me this way, and a loving boyfriend who would never think to do such a thing.”

I couldn’t agree more. My ex would have clocked me had I asked her dad for anything, permission, blessing, hand, you name it. And he was a decent, okay guy. I honestly can’t envision any of the women I’ve dated putting up with this one. And my women friends and especially lesbian friends would kill me.

Ugh!

This is harder than proposing to your girl because the dad will look you straight in the eye and there will be a moment of silent awkwardness before he tells you what he has to say. I agree it should be done, because any real man should have the balls to stand up to her daddy.

Nice to a site promoting some male tradition. It is a good thing.

There is nothing sexist about this. Its about establishing a relationship with the most important male in your woman’s life. It’s between you and him, not you and her and him. If you do it right, and he understands it’s between you and him, you’ll gain not only a friend and father, but an opportunity to get some great insight into your future wife and why she became the woman she did as his daughter.

If he’s an ***hole, you say your piece, let him say his, say you respectfully disagree, and go get married anyway. After all, you love the girl, right? You don’t have to marry him, but he likely still has a strong influence over her life. Manning up and asking in the face of criticism just makes you a better man for doing the right thing despite the circumstances.

Don’t let your woman pick your friends for you, or tell you how to be a man. But do listen, she probably knows you better than you think.

This is good advice. Also, for boys under age who want to have sex with underage women, I think it is a good idea to ask the parent as well. In addition to being a manly thing to do, the ability to do so seems like the boy is really man enough to take that kind of action, and will prevent him from getting in as much statutory trouble should the parents turn out to not approve and possibly be the kinds who would charge him with statutory rape were he to proceed.

A friend of mine has a 15 year old boy and this is their rule for him. In their eyes it protects him.

@ Kat- See ya!

I took the plunge and asked my wife’s father for her hand in marriage and it was the best possible way that I could have started our marriage. As for the sexist remarks, this is an honorable act that will show your future wife and her family that you have real values and a respect for the sanctitiy of marriage. Only MEN need apply for this one!

@Marshall, Apollonian, Will-Excellent comments all. Much appreciated.

My wife had actually approached me about this when we were married. I wasn’t raised in a “typical” family, both my mom and my stepfather are very modern, logical, and non-traditional people, so the act of asking my then-girlfriend’s father for permission was downright absurd. I thought, why should it matter what he thinks? I’m in love with you, I want to marry you, I’m not marrying your dad. You’re an adult, and your father doesn’t own you.. we don’t need his permission! The feminists would have my head for doing this.

My wife tried to explain that this was an act of respect towards her parents, and that I was not asking permission, I was asking for his support. A man should GIVE his daughter to her husband, the husband should not “steal” the daughter.. that equates to cowardice.

I didn’t agree. But, I begrudgingly approached my father-in-law-to-be and sat down and spoke with him. I discussed my plans for his daughter and I and where we want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. I told him I had intentions to propose to his daughter and would like his blessing and support. He said that he appreciated the fact I took the initiative to sit down and talk to him and that he feels a certain way about life and family that he knew I didn’t agree with. He knew this was hard for me, as I was not a traditional man. He gave me his blessings on the condition that I call him “dad” from this point onward (which he knew was another very difficult thing for me, as I called NO-ONE “dad”).

It wasn’t until years later and the birth of my own daughter that everything my father-in-law said made perfect sense. The more and more time I spend with my father-in-law, I realize how a “conservative” or “traditional” family isn’t the backwoods, fearful, ignorant, behind-the-times type of family I had originally thought. There was merit to things like tradition, respect, family dinners, etc. as well as the modern “independence” of the non-traditional families. It is my hope that my wife and I can combine the two very opposite-extreme family values.

So, from a former nay-sayer of this tradition, I tell all the other nay-sayers “just wait until you have a daughter.. you will see how much your world-view will change”.

@ Russ- Thanks for sharing that. It’s funny how kids can change your perspective on life.

@ MissPrisim- My wife wanted me to do it, and most women where I’m from also support the tradition. Of course, you’ll probably look down on these women with smug contempt as not being an enlightened woman like you.

No, I don’t look down on those women at all, but I think they and you are wrong about this. It’s clearly a sexist tradition. If we want to preserve it at all, and many of us might, we should take the sexism away and let everyone benefit from it.

I’ll certainly ask my chap’s mum, if he ever tries to ask my dad.

To all of the women arguning against this tradition: I would assume you disagree with, or atleast see no problem with reversing, the tradition of the man asking the woman for her hand in marriage? You would call this a sexist tradition also?

Most of the young (i’m 23) women I know would never ask their boyfriends’ parents for their blessing and then get down on one knee. i would assume almost every girl has had dreams since they were little about the day a man gets down on his knee to ask for her hand. And in most cases her father has been a part of shaping those dreams.

I guess you see yourselves as new age and modern because you don’t follow tradition?

Just curious where your bitterness stems from?

Of course a woman would never ask her boyfriend’s parents for his hand. It’s assumed that by the time he is that age, he’s independent, and he makes those decisions, not his parents. As a grown and independent adult, it would be insulting for the man if his girlfriend asked his parents or even if he had to ask for their approval… like being back in high school when you had to ask your parents if you could do anything. As a woman, I know that my boyfriend will make the choice to marry me himself–not his parents for him.

With that in mind, I think that some women find the tradition sexist, not because it’s socially accepted as something that only men do for women, but because if the situation is considered in reverse, it implies that the person whose parents are being asked lacks her own willpower and independence.

Contrary to this, though, I do not think that asking for the blessing of the parents is the same as insulting a women’s position as an independent individual. Every guy wants to get along with his in-laws and be liked by them, so if he’s at the point where he feels comfortable having an honest talk with them about his future with their daughter and his wishes that they will support the both of them, I think both he and the girl can appreciate that.

If the man, however, values the support of the parents more than the consent of the woman, that is another thing. If the parents aren’t supportive of the union when asked, even though the girl is, and the guy chooses not to go through with it because of the parents’ feelings, he is clearly insulting the independence and wishes of the woman. If he’s a real man, then he’ll marry the girl because he and she both want it, hopefully with the support of all parents involved, but even without.

i think there is no other way handle this situation other than case-by case. my father would consider it very strange if he were asked for my hand, it would make him worry that i was entering into a controlling relationship. in more conservative families it would be necessary sign of respect. if the groom-to-be doesn’t respect the situation one way or another than that is itself a sign of a problem in the relationship. marriage is a situation where large and small cultural differences are pitted against each other, even if it is just the culture within the families themselves. hopefully all parties go into this with their eyes open and full communication, the rest is all just niceties and gestures.

as far as if the tradition is inherently sexist, of course it is. but its pretty benign as far as sexism goes so long as it doesn’t make the particular bride uncomfortable.

Michael-

I think it’s a big leap from a guy asking for a woman’s hand in marriage to- “She has no ability, or right, to interact with God or society on her own- her covenants are with and her ruler is the patriarchal figure in her life.” The former, along with the other “sexist” marriage traditions Brett mentioned, do not bother me in the least. For while I know that they are rooted in sexism, they are no longer imbued with that meaning. The meaning of traditions can change over time, as people take a new kind of ownership of them. Today, the word “permission” is inappropriate to use with the tradition of asking the father for your girlfriend’s hand, because that is no longer the idea brought to the tradtion. While I agree that the name implies such, still, I think almost all men approach the tradtion with the idea of seeking support and a blessing. I don’t think men even say the words, “I’d like your daughter’s hand” when having the conversation. They say, “I’d like your blessing.”

Now the latter, the stuff about a woman having her relationship to God mediated through a man, I do find enormously offensive. Unlike the other traditions, which are secular traditions, and which the couple are free to define in their own way, such things are rooted in religion and are still connected with current religious teachings. When it comes to things like the vows or covenants, traditions that imply the inferiority of women should cease. Which is why vows that used to include the woman saying that she will “love honor and OBEY” her husband have largely been dropped. And I would certainly support any other religious tradtion which still clings to such wording to cease doing so.

I asked my wife’s father for permission before we got married and I’m glad I did. My wife appreciated it to. Her father’s approval was important to her. I think it got things off on the right foot between us all. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and I’m thankful for it. I believe this was just one small gesture that helped build rapport in our relationship. We are now going on 17 years of marriage! It helps when you have so much support.

Clearly Doug, women being property was a far better situation than what we have now. And of course, in those days there was no sex outside of marriage, no children with nearly absent fathers, and no societal problems at all.
Wait… I think it is very important we recognize today’s societal problems and seek to address them. Many abandoned traditions would be good to revisit. However, I think a false romantization of the past is rarely healthy.

Katie,
I don’t think it’s much of a leap at all because that situation is not only where the tradition of “asking for her hand” began (with either a bride price and ownership or a dowry and paternalism) but that we still use the same language. In asking a woman’s father for her hand you are asking a woman’s father for a portion of her body that he does not own, nor have right to grant. Even if you feel that when man and woman become married they then have co-ownership of one another- it is not the parents of either individual that can grant that or give that- which is why I am still extremely uncomfortable with that specific language.
I think the tradition of meeting with parents (either father, mother, or both) is, in fact, a very good one and has positive elements. It is something I may very well do one day in the future. But, I can’t be comfortable with asking for the hand (or any other body part) of someone’s daughter. Doing so inherently denotes at minimum requesting permission. I will, however, tell her parents of my intentions as it seems the noble and courteous thing to do. I will ask for her parent’s blessing as it is something I hope to have that only they can grant.

Oh, and I agree with Russ as well that if parents refused to give their blessing I would certainly reconsider my proposal. However, if I still both believed and felt that it was right I would not in any sense presume to honor the wishes of the person I loved less than the wishes of her parents.

@ Anthony- Good riddance. We don’t want d-bags who read sites called “Fast Seduction” reading AoM. Later.

Any man worth a damn will show respect to the people who helped fashion his bride-to-be into the wonderful person she is by asking for their blessing. I was actually surprised to hear this tradition had gone by the wayside so much…so what do these guys do then? Just one day show up with a bill for the wedding?

Poulette, I completely agree with you on the importance of asking for the blessing of the parents and/or father specifically.
But, I do think that is different from asking permission from the father of the bride to be, and I understand why so many equate “asking for her hand” with asking permission.

And still no one has. Wow… Maybe logic should be added to your list of lost arts. I’m on to some place where discourse can happen rather than just the predictable calls of bitterness and pathetic yearning for days of yore which were nowhere near as perfect as you people seem to think.

The trick is asking a lawyer for some woman’s hand in marriage first.

I agree with Maria- my husband was instructed to NOT ask my father. The way I see it, I am a grown woman with the right and privilege of choosing whom to marry and when. I am close to my dad, he and my mom are still married and he has always been there for me. But it would be fake to pretend that I was going to abide by his “decision.” In my opinion, the two people doing the marrying are the ONLY ones who should be involved in this very important decision. Also my parents walked my down the aisle but they certainly didn’t “give me away.” I am not theirs to give.

Just my opinion- I know a lot of women would disagree.

This sounds like tips for an interview.

Geeee… I was trying to decide if I should do this and so searched on here and found this blog – Annie, (my girlfriend) and I live in the UK and her perents in New Zealand so I have to do it over the phone. Annie has expressed that I should do this and after reading the blog I’ve decided it’s a goer.. I’m proposing tomorrow (she knows I will very soon but she doesent know exactly when) and have just tried calling but cant get through for some reason??? ARRRRRRGH!!!

I’ve dialed the number like 7 times and no luck, everyone’s bound to think I copped out lol.

I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.

With regards to my opinion on it – yes I suppose the tradition does have a sexist stigma however I do not feel that by observing a tradition you are making any kind of statment about being sexist. I would not consider myself sexist in te least but I will always hold a door open for a lady etc.

I really like the notion of someone above mentioning the 5/15/20 year plan… I think I’ll include that when I finaly get through lol.

Good luck everyone with this!!

Yeah, right. I’ll maintain that lucirous tradition only in exchange for an equally antiquated tradition – when the father offers me a dowry.

If the woman says yes and the father says no – will you REALLY respect his wishes? If not, why bother asking?

@Brett McKay – I entirely agree!

When my ex and I decided to get married, he did talk to my guardians at the time, expressing his wishes to marry me. He had already met them, and been around the family, so every one could sort of tell which way we were headed. I also talked to my ‘mom’ about it before hand. I knew he was going to propose, just not when.

It absolutely did not offend me in any way, and I did not feel like I was being reduced to any sort of chattel.

I believe, as in so many other situations, this is a matter of personal choice. If the principals involved feel it is something they want, they go for it. If not, then don’t.

just my.02

I’m really glad I found this post! I have a few questions. I bought the ring already and I’m really excited about the proposal. My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time and we’ve always had the talks but she is not expecting this at all! I would like to ask her dad for his blessing. Keep in mind her parents have been divorced, and her dad got re-married.

Questions:

1. Should I ask the dad out to lunch or dinner alone, or should I visit them both (him and her step-mom) at their place.

2. Do I bring the ring with me to give them a peek, or absolutely not?

3. I think I’d like to also tell her mom. I know she will be super excited. Do I need to be very official about this (again, a dinner?) or can I just do it at her house? Also, same question about showing the ring to her.

Thanks.

I think this is a great tradition and I hate that so many people downplay the importance of the future family. It is so important to obtain the blessing of the father especially if he has a strong influence in his daughters life. It was mentioned earlier that if the father-in-law is paying for the wedding how much of a jerk are you to just throw him the bill with no heads up or respect what-so-ever.

I think all of those who said “we don’t need the family’s blessing” just goes to show who you have on your mind…you’re own pride. Get rid of it, if you don’t care about anyone elses respect then how can you expect respect from others.

I must object strenuously to this one. Marriage is my own damned decision, not my father’s, no matter how much I love my dad. It is absolutely and positively chauvinist, insensitive, and inappropriate.

And even leaving the inappropriateness of encouraging my parents to make my decisions for me aside, it’s still like holding a door open for a woman, and then being surprised or offended when she does the same for you. One-sided courtesy is still sexism, courtesy or no.

Also shaping my opinion is the fact that I’m in the queer community, surrounded by people who have been rejected or even disowned by their families for the crime of being lesbian, or gay, or transsexual. So I don’t really see leaning on the advice of parents as such a universally good idea.

So I understand the idea of respect, but I don’t think this is a gentlemanly or respectful thing to do in any way, shape, or form. Sorry.

Im about to ask the girl of my dreams within the year her family is old fashoned unlike mine within driving distance when should I ask the fathers permission months weeks I have no idea

btw chris i would ask before you bought the ring (if whether or not you ask her will make u wait or not. even if u do wait u could still buy the ring though)

if not then i would ask around a week before u ask, or when you start plannin how you will ask

take it or leave it :)

My girlfriend and I have yet to introduce one another to our families, but we are planning to do so before I get out of college. I would like for us to meet with both families a few times before we tell them of our desire to get married. I highly doubt my family will approve, but in time they will accept my decision, whether they agree with it or not.

Her family, however, is some what more accepting of things, and may actually give some approval. I plan to speak first with her mother, mainly because her father spends most of his time away from home on business, but I will speak with both together and ask for their acceptance of our decision and express that we would like to be on good terms with the family. While we would like to have both families blessings, we won’t hinge our future on their decision to give or withhold them.

Our biggest hang up is that we are both female. Now, before the religious begin the “Marriage is for a man and a woman” speech, we do not plan to have our little ceremony in a church. While I think same-sex couples should have the right to marry, I believe that it should be up to each church/temple/synagogue to decide if they will hold the ceremonies or not.

If anyone has any constructive advice on how I should approach talking to her family, I would greatly appreciate it. Unless something better comes to light, I will go with the traditional route listed above.